I'm not the man they think I am at home.

Do I want to make resolutions this year? It's pretty common for people to flake out on the resolutions before the first day of the year is even kaput. It might be a waste of my time to even make a boring list full of the same ol', same ol'.

I could say I'm going to eat better (but I have zero appetite which can't be good for the monster inside me), that I'm going to workout (but Tessa and I already have plans to join the rec in February to help her drop those last few lbs. and keep me fit during my preggoness), that I'm going to paint more (I was so flipping motivated and have a list a mile long and then SPLAT....nothing), that I'm going to get more money into savings (which actually WILL happen)...

...BUT THAT'S ALL BORING!

And to be honest, I don't know what I want to come out of 2011! I just know that I want 2010 to be over. Don't get me wrong, some great things happened: Olivia was born, Jimbo and Jess got hitched, EVERYONE under the sun that I love got engaged, we bought Castle Grayskull, Vincent (and our unborn) done got conceived.

But HORRIBLE things happened, too: friends lost loved ones (R.I.P. grandma), Brother Ed was diagnosed with cancer, other pals/family had medical issues, relationships ended, etc. There was good, for sure, but did the good outweigh the bad? I'm not sure.

Per usual, I'll try to make sure to make the best out of the year, no matter how backwards it might turn out. But as for specific resolutions...eh...I don't know. What I DO know is that for YEARS now, Carol High Hair and I have been waiting for years to end so the next one can get better. I could really use a year that is so great, I don't want it to end, ya know?

I bet you're with me.

Don't sound like Christmas at all.

Of course I'd be up by 5am on my vacation day from work. Ah, the joys of pregnancy. Oh, if you didn't already know, I've got a bun in the oven. But there's a bun-in-the-oven blog for that blather. I just wanted to make a point that the monster inside me likes me to rally early.

So why not blog from bed?

Christmas had it's moments but won't be going down in history as the best I've ever had. I was exhausted a majority of the time and things never seemed to go planned. Christmas morning was a success and that's what matters. All the hard work I did playing Santa paid off. Yeah, I'm good at that schtuff.

And I scored some nifty stuff. I like the getting as much as the giving, I'm not going to lie. A Finn hat, Adventure Time hoodie, Futurama season 5, Super Mario All-Stars for the Wii, and a pair of sweet DC boots I had my eye in. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Regardless, I'm glad it's over. I'm sure New Years will be low key, too. I just want to get 2010 out the door by any means necessary! I don't know anyone who would give this year high marks.

I guess I've summed up my holiday so maybe I'll try and shut my eyes again. Dr. Nightmare is laying on my belly purring away. Maybe she'll motor me into a coma!

Sweet dreams.

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Oh, I won't sleep tonight.

Aching all over. Chills. Pounding head. Stiff neck. Yep, I'm sick. Happy Holidays to moi. Illness makes me French. So I'm knee-deep in season 2 of Gilmore Girls, buried under a pile of blankets with my hood up and a serious case of ennui.

My X-Mas Eve outfit is laid out (and adorable) and I'm putting off gathering X-Mas day steaks until mañana (now I'm Spanish). So for the rest of the day/night, consider me a zombie.

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I'm beyond repair so give me back my broken parts.

RANT!

Let me kick this off by saying that I do NOT like the song "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson. I had heard it in some annoying commercial before but today was the first time I had ever heard it on the radio. I loved her jam "The Way I Am", also in a commercial, so I gave this one a shot.

Now I'll admit, it's upbeat, peppy, and can certainly make you dance in your seat or at least bob your head. It's catchy. It's sun-shiny and bright. AND IT'S SIMULTANEOUSLY TOTALLY DEPRESSING! The story behind the song is just plain sad...a women who just wants to be OK, just wants to feel something, and is made up of nothing but broken hearts. It's basically a "Will I or won't I kill myself today because there is absolutely nothing left in my life but misery?" tale. AND IT'S SO DAMN PEPPY.

It was confusing to me. Therefore, I must never hear it again.

Moving on...

I could listen to "Animal" by Neon Trees all day long. It's my new jam.

Moving on...again...

Christmas is right around the corner. My shopping is done and my wrapping is following closely behind. We've settled on steaks for our X-Mas day meal because hey, nothing says Christmas quite like grilling. Maybe we'll start a new tradition and go see a movie like Tom and Carol always do. Regardless, whatever we do, I think it'll be great...so long as I hear New Bomb Turks' version of "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)", "Christmas Is Coming" as performed by Miss Piggy and watch "Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas".

I have high hopes, despite feeling like the flu is coming on.

This kiss you give, it's never ever gonna fade away.

The weekend was jam-packed. Exhaustion is bossing me around.

Like I've said, I really am in the holiday spirit, and not just because I got a healthy bonus at the company Christmas party on Thursday. Friday night we had my aunts over and I was so darn pleased with myself...how festive the house looked, how the food turned out. It was a nice evening, but that was just the kick off.

The next night was X-Mas with my immediate family where I stuffed myself silly with chicken paprikash and got amazing gifts! I wasn't supposed to get anything since we were fronted some cash for our Disney vacation...but I ended up with 5 poison jars I LOVE, a Rachael Ray sautee pan I was dying for, and a microplane which I have ALWAYS wanted. Watch out lemons, I'm coming for you!

Closed out the weekend by being a cooking fool as I prepped a turkey feast for Todd's immedaite family X-Mas (which was at Castle Grayskull). Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and again, I felt pretty proud. But pride was quickly followed by mind-numbing exhaustion. I've been running on go for way too long and there's no rest in SIGHT!

On deck: PF Chang's for a holiday dinner with Todd and Sharon, X-Mas Eve at my Grandma's (R.I.P.), X-Mas day in our jammies stuffing our faces and watching movies, and a holiday get together with my cousins. Hopefully I can schedule some naps in there! Either way, I'm loving life right now, despite the chaos, and I hope you are, too.

I just wish I could see some of my friends. I miss y'all.

I know this post wasn't uber-exciting but this is how it is.

Don't go spreading those stories around. Those facts are still in doubt.

Uno: I started listening to the Drags album, 45 x 3, on my way to work this morning and forgot how totally AWESOME it is. "I Like To Die" and "Well Worth Talking About" are jams. It's always fun to be reintroduced to music. I was getting pretty tired of the contents of my Ipod. This does NOT mean you, Lady Gaga and They Might Be Giants.

Dos: I'm not sending out Christmas cards this year so please don't be offended if you don't get one. Next year I will for sure. I just don't have the time, the wit, or the stamps for that kind of project right now. But I DO appreciate every card we've gotten so far. We've got some rad pals and great family, for sure. They're all hanging on the back of our front door.

Tres: If you're following 1313 Mockingbird Lane, please don't think I've abandoned the project. The baby-making OR the blogging. The next 2 and a half weeks are going to be a little nutso with all the holiday festivities and that blog is important to me. I don't want to rush my thoughts and throw babble in your face (like I love to do here, suckers). So entries are being written and saved, and will be edited and posted after all the togetherness and chaos of the holidays is ka-put.

Feliz Navidad,  y'all!

Been down that rocky road but here we are, still around.

Yahoo! is trying to tell me that I DON'T want a mustache for my dog. Clearly, they've never met me because I'm pretty sure the ONLY thing I want is a mustache for my dog. A dog named Santo NEEDS a mustache. Am I right?

Managed to get a pretty raaaaaad Christmas gift for Todd. Something he wanted. Pumped about that. Pumped about the holidays in general, actually. I've got the spirit! The holiday spirit should not be confused with the "driving in the snow" spirit because that makes me want to go NINJA on strangers.

Todd watched "Eclipse". Never complained. Did make a fake snoring sound.

I can't stop thinking about dog mustaches so I'm useless this morning.

She is good. She is bad. No one understands.

Before 5:30 (yes, they have one of those in the MORNING), I managed to oversleep a.k.a. Todd totally muffed up setting the alarm, slip in the driveway and land smack on my tailbone, and forget my lunch.

But then I got to work and this was waiting for me:

Good morning. I hope ur am commute was a pleasant one and trouble free. Im wishing you a good day where everything goes your way.

Sure the morning has been everything BUT trouble-free, but that was super sweet. He's been really awesome thr past 2 weeks while I've been especially stressed out. Last night he was totally cool with my blowing off some steam with Sharon. And he's been driving my car to work and handling getting new tires, a new windshield, and an oil change so it's safe for winter. They're little things but they mean a lot.

If only my tailbone and legs would stop tingling. And my back and shoulders would relax. And lunch would magically appear.

New post over at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Gonna shake hands with the masses.

I'm working out the kinks with the blog templates so just sit tight. Every time I have a background I like, I muck it up some how. Anyway, it'll be worth it once I pick something and stick with it.

And let's get this out of the way: YES, I bought Eclipse the day it came out. And YES, I watched it that same day, by myself. And YES, it was just as awesome as when I saw it in the theater, by myself.

The weekend. What can I say?

I kicked it off with steak and a double order of mushrooms so how could it go bad? In all actuality, that dinner was a cheer-up meal with Todd after I got my feelings and feathers ruffled. He's good at stuff like that.

I woke up Friday morning determined not to let the previous day ruin my down time. I invested all of my energy into decorating for the holidays (with the help of MANY episodes of Conan...welcome back). When Todd got home, we went and picked up outdoor Christmas lights, won $44 playing Keno, and had our first fire in the fireplace at Castle Grayskull. Thumbs up, Friday.

We had a chillaxing visit with Becky on Saturday. I miss her painfully.

Me + a stack of Food Network magazines + ice cold Pepsi (THANKS BECKY) + bad movies in bed = Sunday. It also equals perfection. And Speaking of perfection, I made the best pasta of my life yesterday. Garlic, olive oil, zucchini, asparagus, broccoli, mushrooms, lemons, fontina, shaved parmesean, and a pasta I've never heard of before that sort of resembles a lily. Campanelle?

Hoping to plan/help plan/whatever a Girl's Night soon. Stay tuned.

Right now, I'll give life a 7 out of 10.

A new blog is posted on...the new blog: 1313 Mockingbird Lane

This remedy has got to me!

Holy dog shit!  I just became the owner of my very own soda machine! I didn't realize that this was a dream of mine until the possibility presented itself. It says Cold Drinks on it and it may, or may not, light up. It can be set to free, which is my favorite price, and can hold 6 different beverages. We've got a tiki bar, an enormous projection TV and a Wii. Just need a Ms. Pacman machine and a jukebox and life will be solid. I may never leave the Man Cave. You may have to buy me there.

Also in awesome news, today is Phoebe's 1 year wedding anniversary. The paper anniversay, as it were. I'm glad that 1 year ago today, I was able to use my standings as a reverend in the state of Ohio to join her in unholy matrimony to her mate-of-choice. It was truly an honor. Love you, Bizzle. Happy Paper Day.

And the awesomeness just keeps truckin' in in regards to our weekend. Tonight, it's me vs. tree and I have a goal to convince Todd that there's nothing Charlie Brown looking about it! Tomorrow is Todd vs. Castle Grayskull in the Great Christmas Light Project of 2010. We're doing serious lights his year. No messing around! We're even hosting 2 holiday event this month...my aunts are coming over one night and we're having Todd's extended family over for a turkey dinner another. Gotta get ready for the festivities! From Betty Paige to Betty Crocker (maybe a mix, I'm still saucy).

And the icing on my weekend cake? We're going to see the Queen B in Columbus!! I miss Becky so much and whenever I'm around her (especially on her turf), I just feel calm and good. And Todd was all about making the trip! Hopefully I don't have a cookie-tossing repeat from last weekend. Regardless, at this moment in time, things are solid.

Looks like I have the holiday spirit after all!

And there's a new blog (if you didn't know, Stalking My Life has been retired) all about 2 goons trying to put a bun in the oven. You do not need to be a Blogger member to follow: 1313 MOCKINGBIRD LANE

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart for times when my life seems so low.

Sex and the City 2 was the most embarrassing movie I've ever watched. More so than Boy In the Plastic Bubble with John Travolta. I watched it alone and was still humiliated. Those ladies are getting too old for their shenanigans. They were probably too old years ago. Man, who do I call to get those hours of my life back?

And while we're at it, I want my long weekend back, too.

Turkey Day was a great success since I met my goal of  eating too much gravy and feeling uber-slothlike. The move from chair to couch took almost all my effort. It was good to spend time with my extended family, but it never fails that I leave family functions feelings semi-lousy.

On Black Friday, after a very positive phone call from my doc, we packed up the car and took the kid and a pal to a resort in the Pennsylvania Mountains. There were a lot of issues there and they'll be getting a pretty strongly worded letter from us. But the kids didn't notice anything so in their eyes, it was a boatload of fun.

Not so fun? Having to pull over twice on the way home Saturday to toss my cookies at the Travel Plaza and Sheetz, respectively. Haven't gotten car sick in a while (Todd thinks I'm preggo but I'm not putting any money on that). It really wrecked Cookie Day, a family tradition. Every time I thought I felt better, I bottomed out again. And my feelings took a few hits that day but I don't want to talk about that. SHOCKING! After getting home from my parents house, my guts emptied out and I was down for the count. A little 30 Rock with Todd and bed. We'll mark that day "a wash".

Yesterday was another wash even though I did get to have crepes for breakfast. The dudes went to the Browns game so I was on my own. Bought an X-Mas tree that turned out to be ridiculous so it's getting returned, but managed to get some other nonsense to make the house look festive. Got that swishy carsick feeling again (while driving, which is odd but happens because my body is an anomoly) and parked it on the couch. Sex and the City 2 (thumbs down) and The Back-Up Plan (thumbs up) helped numb my brain.

Numbed it right into a coma.

And now it's time to get in the holiday spirit. First X-Mas in our new home. I hope I can dig deep into my rotten soul and get into it, because I WANT to be into it, I do. I just have to find a way to get there this year. It'll happen. I have faith. I don't have an X-Mas tree, but I have faith!

While we were sleeping, I tried to say...

Gobble gobble!!!

I started my holiday off with pumpkin roll, a glass of milk, and 2 Thanksgiving episodes of Top Chef. Not bad a bad way to start the day! Got me to thinkin'. I'm sure I could have made a list that would have wrapped all the way around the world of things that I am thankful for. However, I have to get ready to stuff my face full of yummy goodness so...most of all...I am thankful...

...for my husband, the love of my life. Some days I want to bite his face off because he makes me bananas. But more often, I want to smooch his sweet face and block out the world so it's just him and me. Todd & Lacey vs. The World. I can't imagine my life without him.

...I'm part of my family. I think we're indestructible.

...I have pals like the Ol' Kentucky Sharks. My how we have grown over the years. Husbands, wives, weddings, engagements, babies. But deep down, still the same Ol' Sharks. Fun-loving, supportive, entertaining and amazing individuals.

...that 2010 is almost over. It's been mind-numbing.

...to have my job. Not just because I am employed (at a place that lets me have a pretty cool lifestyle) but because I truly do love my job. By working for my father, I've gotten to see different sides of him and I support his vision 100%. Anyone would be lucky to have a boss like him. Working there has helped me grow.

...for blogging. It's been waaaaay cheaper than therapy! And even if no one read my blather, I'd still keep clacking away at the keys. I have an emotional record of my life over the last 10 years. I can step right back into those moments of my life. It's a precious opportunity.

...that I get unconditional love from my fur-kids. If I'm at my best or at my worst, they don't care. They're just sweet 24 hours a day. Sweet and dumb, but aren't we all?

...for television, movies, music, magazines. Maybe some people think these things are a waste of time but they bring me so much joy. Always have, always will. I find them all to be so inspiring. They make my imagination thrive. The world is fascinating...the world of entertainment is just MORE entertaining. Adventure Time with Finn and Jake has changed my life.

...we are making a home at Castle Grayskull. Together.

...that I have remained myself over the years. And my friends, family, husband, step-son, and fur-kids all appreciate me for being me. No one expects me to be someone else or anything else. They accept me, quirks and all. I am very lucky.

And very thankful. HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!!!

Well now, do you feel a little better? Lift up your head and walk away.

Are we finally catching a break? Could it be true??

Well, we received good news on one of our fronts so far. Really good news! But there's no time to really enjoy it because we're still waiting for word on a few other things. But it will all come soon enough and no matter what the outcome, at least I'll be able to breathe over the long weekend.

We've had so many rad people cheering us on and sending the good vibes our way about everything that's going on in our lives right now. I can't tell you how much it means to be surrounded by such cool people. I hope we're been there for our dudes when they've needed us. I like to think we can be counted on.

But if it's not too much to ask, keep sending the vibes.

In non-stressful situation news...

Today is Johnny Switchblade's last day as a swinging bachelor. Am I sad that I'm not going to be there to witness the event that neither he nor I ever thought would happen? Yeah. I'm a little upset.

...

Maybe more than a LITTLE upset, but what can you do? I think I'm just a little salty because who doesn't think they're going to be there when their best friend ties the knot? He was a groomsman in my wedding...but that was MY wedding. I hope I'll at least see some pictures some day. I'll hang a picture of him as a groom right next to a picture of him dressed a priest. It'll be like Johnny's costumes over the years.

Ooh! A big congrats to Carol The Shoe for landing a J-O-B!!! CHEERS!!! Hopefully the good news keeps a-comin' and we can celebrate everyone's engagments, pregnancies, jobs, weddings, what-have-you at the Thansgiving Eve Train Wreck tomorrow night! Gotta embrace the one awesome period in this backwards year, am I right??

Alright day, let's get started, shall we?

Baby, when it's love if it ain't rough it isn't fun!

Man,  I don't have $9 extra bones to get the Lady Gaga limited edition tee on Tee Fury. And I love it, of course. Damn forcing myself to be responsible with money at Christmas time! Grrrr.

And congratulations, Jimmie Johnson. 5 years in a row. You've made history once again. People were cheering against you and hoping someone else would get a turn. But hey, you're the best and you did it. I'm proud of you. See you in February.

But let's start with the truly important news...

My little sis and Karl are engaged!! That's right, Evan! Mommy and Daddy are getting married and I. CAN'T. WAIT. I love you guys and couldn't be happier for you. If I could do backflips, I would, but that would be dangerous for everyone. So CONGRATS, Jenny Penny. You're going to make a bootiful bride!

For real...something has to be in the water. Lurve is EVERYWHERE!

I really have no other news, though we expect news from a few different (and muy importante) sources this week. Jesus, Buddah, Zeus, Satan, Mother Earth...whoever you pray to, maybe you could send some positive vibes our way. I could certainly tolerant some raddness this week.

And turkey. I could stand some turkey!

So a short week is followed by a long weekend that will have us tubing in Pennsylvania. I, personally, won't be tubing because I don't like when snow touches me. But I'll be there and I'll be loving it. Especially since there will be fireworks and a holiday lighting ceremony. I'm a sucker for things that sparkle and explode! And a mini-road trip with my little family is something to be thankful for.

I'm thankful that I spent a majority of my weekend in pajamas on the couch watching Big Bang Theory and 30 Rock with my husband. Some one-on-one time was needed for sure. Gotta be thankful for the low-key little things. The blah days. Be thankful for the blah days...cause at least you're head isn't falling off.

I'm thankful for all you guys. Cause you're witty and hot.

Gonna reconstruct your self-worth brick-by-emotional-brick!

Not only is it deep into autumn, but it's practically WINTER and Katy Perry is STILL torturing me with "California Girls" every hour on the hour. I'm as sick as a homeless dog and that ridiculous and repetitive noise she makes might just be the thing that catapults me over the edge. Punching babies and kicking dogs over here.

Yep, still feeling like garbage but the world doesn't stop a-turnin' for the flu. And I got a mini-pep talk from Phoebe so the little black raincloud I was under isn't so mammoth. I can't let being physically ill affect my mental marbles. I have much more important things to feel enraged about...this means YOU, Katy Perry! So I just have to kick it. There are no other options. Ignore it or kick it. In the words of Finn the Human...

Is this really my life?
Is this how my story ends?
Bein' in this body
Seems like a battle that I cannot win.

 Maybe I should lay my head down slow
And sleep till it's all OVER.
Is this the end
of a hero boy named Finn?

HECK NO, darn it no!
This isn't how I go!
I'm gonna kill it!
I'm gonna kick life's butt.
I'm in it, to win it!

I'm gonna take life's name
And spit on it, and kick it!
LIFE CAN JUST GO EAT IT!
Cause this is a man's game!

I'm not gonna let you lie here, and waste away!
You better get up, or I'll kick you up!
TODAY'S THE DAY.

And I'm not gonna be COOL
Cause I'm pipin' HOT!
GET UP! GET UP!
I'm not gonna let you ROT.

GET UP, ALL OF YOU MAKE ME SICK.
I'll fix you with MY KICKS!
Gonna reconstruct your self-worth
Brick BY EMOTIONAL BRICK.
 
You know, after singing that, I feel 1% better.
 
Thanks Finn.
 
Thanks Phoebe.

They say you're getting better but you don't feel any better.

Everything aches from the inside out. I'm sick but what else is new? This battle with my body doesn't get any easier, even now that I know what's kicking my immune system to the floor. It's getting harder and harder to just push through. I feel like a failure for getting sick. And this is NOTHING compared to what other people I know are going through.

"I've never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy than you" - Alice Cullen

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I just can't live without you. I'd miss everything about you.

Ol' Kentucky weddings and babies as far as they eye can see. It's official. Love is in the Cleveland...and surrounding areas...air! If you don't watch out, you might catch it!

April and Dennis done got hitched on the sly. HOORAY!

That's some pretty awesome news right there and I've been told that a ceremony and reception will follow at some point. I'm glad to hear that because this is something to celebrate and I want to be a part of it! They are two rad folks...with the CUTEST baby girl on the PLANET, I could seriously eat her face off...and deserve all the happiness they can get their hands on.

Is now the time to forgive Dennis for convincing me his middle name is "Ace"?

Which I believed. Openly. FOR YEARS.

...

Maybe I'm not ready to let that go just yet.  Still, congratulations Bells!

If I get through this part, will the next one be the same?

Punching babies, kicking dogs. Round up your children. Protect yer pets.

Might as well lay it right out on the table that the possible weird news that I thought turned out to be normal news is back to being weird and somewhat mind-numbing. Once again, we'll know more in a few weeks. Patience is a virtue, it's just not one of mine so...yeah. Awesome. Then pile on top of THAT some other rotten news that I wasn't expecting and didn't want to hear (not my news to tell but affects me and will hopefully end up being nothing) and I'm just all kinds of sucko over here.

Todd's come down with some gross sickness that I'm trying to avoid at all costs but will no doubt knock my legs out from under me. It's inevitable.  I've been informed that I don't have to visit his grave if it's raining (courteous since I don't like being in wet clothes) so it must be pretty rough. I'm super looking forward to catching it and adding to my melancholy.

We missed the engagement bonfire and the baby shower and even though he made it to the game (18th row tickets for his birthday from his wiiiiiife), he spent all night tossing his cookies and dealing with the worst headache of his life. Things are currently NOT awesome. That was a pretty awesome run-on sentence up top there though. Leave it to me to ramble my stress away.

Rot.

Today is the 115th anniversary of the X-Ray. We're old friends.

I see some retail therapy in my future, thanks to my mother. Cardigans and dresses and boots, oh my! H&M isn't going to know what hit it!! I'm shaking up the way I dress because dressing scummy makes me feel scummy any more. I need to put a little pep-in-my-step and shake things up. Sure, I'm not fond of all the exfoliating and plucking and shaving and waxing and ironing and laundering and primping it takes to look put-together and sassy...but maybe good outsides will create good insides. 60s Mod-ish is a good look for me, I think. No more dressing like a teenage boy unless I'm painting.

Maybe I should just have a New Year's Eve party and end 2010 earlier...

Never worry. Never be sad.

I'm good at birthdays.  I don't think that's vain to say. It's not like I said I'm pretty. I do my best to knock socks straight off when it comes to the birthdays of those closest to my black-n-bloody heart. Probably because I love my own birthday so much. Come on and celebrate me by being awesome and doing awesome stuff, am I right? OK, that might have been a little vain.

I sort of got my head stuck in a honey jar with Todd's birthday this year and it's right around the corner. I couldn't come up with anything that felt right. Sure, I got a few things together but nothing of sock-knocking proportions. Until today, that is! I worked it out (THANKS Craigslist!) and I can't wait to see the look on his puss. Trying to hold out but it's hard when he's the person I tell everything to!

Keep the secret. Keep the secret. Keep the secret.

Changing the subject I internally combust...

What's the news? News I thought was bad news wasn't. It was normal news. I'll take normal news any day. And I thought I'd take anything over that "California Girls" nonsense but with the change of seasons came "Teenage Dream" and I'm just as annoyed as I was all summer. Way to go, Katy Perry.

When listing the married, engaged, and expecting, I forgot Switchblade. Oops.

I'll be honest. I'm not voting. I vote for president but that's as far as I extend myself. I know it's my civic duty. I was all pro-voting and wacky about government in high school. But I am so anti-these campaign commercials that have been plauging my precious tube that I'm boycotting. Take that and shove it, politics!

Adventure Ben (a.k.a The Drink) was injured in some freak motorbike (not sure if that's the same as a motorcycle or if it's some sort of Thai moped or what) accident near Burma. He looks pretty awesome in his foreign hospital gown all stitched up and bruised. Regardless of his radical injuries, I'm glad he's OK. And I'm glad I got a postcard before he got all wrecked and loopy. Get well soon, man!

End transmission.

I don't need anybody's help to rise above it.

I am still pulling spirit gum off my ears. Halloween was a success.

A success in many ways it seems because Wolfboy Slim and Little Erin got engaged last night (same night I got engaged 2 short years ago)!!! A message I received simply read "FINALLY!!!!" and I knew what had gone down...and I also almost fell out of my bed!! I could not possibly be more excited for her and wish I could have seen the look on her face! Congrats, y'all! This is hardcore awesome news.

Love is in the air, man. Jimbo and Jess had their Halloween reception on Saturday, Jenn Terror got hitched yesterday, Jackie and Jocephus got engaged recently and their plans are rolling along, and now Erin and Josh join the pack. Plus Evan turned 1 and the baby shower for Vincent is around the corner. This is all good stuff. Totally the kind of awesomeness we need to balance out the disaster of a year. I'm pumped for everyone. Truly.

We went as Big Red Riding Hood and the Little Bad Wolf. I loved it.

So Halloween is over for another year but the start of holiday season is here. Turkey Day, Christmas Eve, Anti-X-Mas, New Year's festivities. I'm hoping the holidays continue to rock so we can end 2010 on a high note. I'm also hoping that some news we got isn't really as bad as my swirling brain is making it out to be. Trying to stay positive which is not always the easiest thing. Luckily I'll know more today. Le sigh.

Looking back at my short life, the few pleasures that I've found.

AWESOME. LIKE. WHOA.

...

LIKE WHOA!

I'm so chock full of smutty adrenaline, thanks to Weasel. Yesterday I was feeling so exhausted and down-in-the-dumps due to this rot we call 2010 (R.I.P. Stella...I only met you once last Halloween but you were super snazzy and will be missed by your many friends, I'm sure). But he turned my frown upside down in BIG ways. Feeling 16 again is the cat's pajamas!!

Seeing him this morning, naive and vulnerable looking, I left like this:

I was pretty much ready to rip him to shreds with my tiny, ineffectual fists and eat him alive! I felt like a hormonal teenager, all VA-VOOM, acting first and thinking later. It's hard to concentrate today and I'm blushing quite frequently, to be honest. But I have a smile plastered on my mug and that's what counts. Gotta grab onto the awesome moments of this backwards year and run for the door!

AWOOOOOOOOGAH!

Two of a billion stars. It means so much to me.

Come on and get here, Halloween!!

Since I'm done with our costumes (in ADVANCE, I can't believe it), I offered some help to Sharon who is also going to a Halloween wedding. She was getting frustrated about her costume and I know what a bummer that can be. But with a little brainstorming, I think we pulled off something better than she had initially planned. She's excited again which makes me excited. I'm glad I could help out.

One of my pals is having a rough time getting into the Halloween spirit. Boo.

It's been a rough year for a lot of people, as I've previously blather. I hope that all changes soon because I hate seeing people with their sad faces on. A friend of some friends is in the hospital on life support. She someone's wife and so young, it's heart breaking. 2010 is GARBAGE. It's almost over, y'all. Fresh start in 2011. Drama-free is the way to be. After all the garbage that's gone on recently, my mom says she more thankful for the blah, boring days where nothing happens. I'm agreeing 100%.

I haven't ended a blog with "LIFE IS GOOD" in awhile...since August 19th! Ouch. But there are a plthora of fun things coming up which will hopefully set the world right. Spontaneous Japanese dinner, Halloween wedding, Trick-or-Treating, engagement bonfire, baby shower for Vincent & Todd's birthday, tattoo cover-up featuring cakes and pies, something special (I'll talk about it later) for my little family, the Fabulous Food Show, hanging with various pals, our traditional Cookie Day...it's all good. It's all great. It's all going to start counter-balancing the junk going on.

Life is on it's way back to good.

Or I'll grab it by the balls and show it whose BOSS!

I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow and I know just where I'm going.

I'm ultra, mega bummed which is not a good start to my work week. Lisa (henceforth known as "The Captain") invited me to Guam for a week of beach resort fun if I could swing the plane ticket. For years, I've always used "the rocky beaches of Guam" as my destination when I threatened to run away. But plane tickets to Guam are way spendy. Now someone else will be having beachy fun with The Captain instead of me. Grrrrrr.

I woke up grouchy and will continue to be so for the duration.

Let's see...what's awesome that I can talk about?

I went to the circus with Bizzle on Thursday night and it was flat out rad, both the circus itself and hanging with that awesome broad. I'll be going again next year, fo' sho. I would make an excellent circus performer. I would also make an awesome owner to a miniature misfit pony that looked that a cupcake. It was great to see Phoebe so super psyched. It was not great to see a little kid in sweatpants and no shoes laying on the stairs eating a sno-cone with a spoon he kept dragging on the ground. Hate that kid.

So the bright lights, sequins and shenanigans of the circus were an excellent distraction until Friday came and I had an appointment I wasn't looking forward to. Luckily, I had a husband who bailed out of work early to accompany me. I'll talk more about the appointment another time. I'll just say that it was uncomfortable but the results were exactly what we wanted to hear. After getting the good news, we celebrated with a 64 ounce German boot and some laughs.

Yesterday, we went to visit my cousin who is in the hospital after a total fluke skateboarding accident. The improvement in his condition from last Monday was mind-blowing and I hope he can ditch that place soon and get back to his family. Post-that, we went to PJ McIntyre's to support a bartender pal who was attacked there back in July. A portion of the bar sales were going to his medical bills so eating and drinking was the least we could do. And the Browns beat the Super Bowl champs for the 3rd year in a row! I only care about that because Todd cares. Cheering for his team is like wearing his letter sweater.

Halloween festivities are approaching. I. AM. AMPED.

But I'm still so bummed about Guam. I lost 2.9 pounds on my new workout plan so I wouldn't have looked half bad in a bikini with an umbrella drink. Plus, I miss The Captain. Le sigh...

Tonight we'll put all other things aside.

Once I order my creepy contacts, our costumes will be COMPLETE!

Maybe we spent a little more dough than we should have but you know what? It's Halloween. Go big or go home, that's what I say! Since everything is coming together (without me having to stitch, glue, purchase or construct anything at the last second), I am predicting nothing but uber-fun at the Hissem wedding next weekend. I'm so glad I have a husband who loves Halloween and dressing up as much as me. There will be pictures. And they will be priceless.

Tomorrow I'm going to the circus with Phee-Bizzle and Todd thinks I'm going to runaway without so much as a text message. This was all prompted by dreams Phoebe had last year about me being a trapeze artist. I'd be damn good at that. I've already added "will break a rib to fit into a tight, sequined costume" and "easily persuaded into acts of danger and stupidity" to my resume (and my Facebook page, which is the resume of my life).

I haven't been to the circus since 3rd grade and like many people, I totally hate clowns...yet suddenly have an urge to paint them. But I'm jazzed to go because Phoebe is coo-coo over the circus and I think it will be cool to take it all in as an adult. And I like spontaneity. Going to the circus was not on my agenda until I got a very eager and excited text message last night. Of course I was in. I'm up for pretty much anything, especially last minute awesomeness. And who knows...maybe I'll get my big break as Madame Fifi von Glitter Pants.

What else?

Todd and I have reverted back into teenagers and I like it. I think our weekend plan involves nothing but cocktails, movies, and friskies. We both have doctor's appointments this week that neither of us are looking forward to so our time off needs to be pure chillaxation. Chillaxation followed by a fundraiser for our bartender pal, James, who was attacked and got 84 stitches in his mug. WHY ARE PEOPLE SUCH RIDICULOUS JERKOFFS???

Two people in my life call me 'Ace'. It amuses me. And with that...

And when one little bump leads to shock, miss a beat, you run for cover so discreet.

2010 needs to be over. We need to fast forward and start fresh.

It seems that everywhere I look, bad things are happening to good people. And even typing that feels like dejavu because general suckage has happened so frequently this year. Awesome people have gone through complete garbage. It's never-ending. And ending this year might not actually improve peoples situations, but I'm going to pretend that it will.

I utterly despise when people I care about are hurting, no matter the degree. So many people have passed away in the last few months, gotten sick, gotten injured, gotten hurt, physically and emotionally. I just want to punch 2010 in the junk for being so lousy at times! Not that there haven't been rad moments...I just need to put the rotten ones in their place.

Someone in my extended family needs good vibes sent their way. Stat.

We could use some good vibes ourselves. Especially me. Especially Friday.

I didn't get any painting done this weekend but I DID buy an office chair and a composition notebook so I'm getting organized before I jump in. We have another wide open weekend coming up with the only thing on the agenda being Halloween costume prep. That's going to be arts-n-crafty on its own! So stay tuned to CANNIBALICIOUS! Good things are coming.

And we need some good things. Am I right?

You can speak your mind but not on my time.

As I quickly blathered earlier this week, I am diving head first...and awkwardly, no doubt, because I cannot dive...back into painting. Not just PAINTING. I'm throwing myself back into art and I have every intention of trying some new things. I have a RAD art room at Castle Grayskull and I need to take advantage of it. And I plan to go ballllllls out this weekend.

So OF COURSE, I started a blog dedicated specifically to my art. Every finished piece that will be for sale will end up there. And there will be some other fun schtuff related to my hobby on the page. Besides my husband and my pals, art is my favorite thing on the planet! I may not be talented, I may not even be creative, but it makes me HAP-PY.

Become a follower for updates. You don't need to belong to Blogger to do so.

CANNIBALICIOUS!

But regarding THIS blog, someone found it by searching "morning breath fetish". Yelp. What have I been talking about for the past 5 years???

And regarding my life, I've been sick for a week now. It's just a sniffling, sneezing, coughing cold but it's annoying. It didn't hold me back from going to see Bouncing Souls open for Bad Religion. Bouncing Souls were relatively boring. Good but dull. Then Bad Religion blew my miiiiind! It was everything I hoped it would be. Until some broad with a mohawk started shit with me...after I casually called her the C word, which is reserved for total trash bags.

By the end of the verbal spar, she was apologizing and telling me I was right. Fucking fool.

I'm beginning to think I'm too old for this shit, especially when it gets you invited to the back for a fist fight, but that's OK. Because what's fun about being stuffed into a small space like sardines and dealing with drunk bums and trash who think they own the world? The next day, we spent time with the Shoelanes, talking, drinking, laughing and THAT was where I was comfortable. That was a good time for me...for us. But Bad Religion WAS amazing. Next time, I need to hang in the back rather than getting in the thick of it.

The thickness is where fisticuffs happen.

So tonight is Deadbolt...which is a totally different situation. Different people, different crowd. I want to go and support my twin, Alex, since COTPF is opening. And I know Weasel really wants to give Deadbolt a second chance as far as their live show goes. But my nose is currently a faucet. I need to try and get some shut-eye and she if I can self-repair. Though a night at home sounds pretty rad...

I'll tear down the buildings just to pass through the door.

This is my 666th post.

Subject: Bad Religion!

The Bad Religion / Bouncing Souls show is tonight at the House of Blues. I've been sick as a dog (Do dogs frequently get ill? Where did this expression come from??) since Friday but going to tough it out. I'm certainly not flushing $50 down the drain. And Bad Religion makes my bleeding, black heart-go-throb! So many memories of my youth. "Recipe For Hate" was the album that probably started to mold me into who I am a little. Oh so philosophical!

For the record, I hope they play: Do What You Want, Skyscraper (actually, anything off Recipe For Hate), Don't Sell Me Short, The Handshake, Bad Religion, Frogger...and I hope they have really great t-shirts for sale. And I hope the place isn't jam-packed full of hooch girls and chach guys for as far as the eye can see.

Regardless, I'll be happy just to see them for the first time in 10 years.

On the flipside, I'm pumped to See Bouncing Souls as I've loved them for years and I hope they play: K8 is Great, Eastside Mags, Here We Go, Lamar Vanoy, Kid, Born To Lose...and I hope they cover Hybrid Moments again.

I hope they DON'T play Hopeless Romantic or cover Lean On Sheena.

So that's pretty much all I've got to say about that. I'm psyched about the show even if it's be the second time in a ROW that I was the walking dead when going to see Bouncing Souls. And the weekend was solid even if buckets of sticky green nastiness was pouring out of my head. I slept a lot. Todd and my dad built a "rumpus room" for the pups in the yard. We went to my sister's and cooked boatloads of bacon in honor of my grandma. Like I said, solid.

And we finally decided on costumes for the Hissem Halloween wedding! Bought some of the supplies already and have the rest in motion. And we can also rock these costumes at an upcoming Halloween party AND at my mom's for the actually holiday!  Makes all the effort worth it. And Jen May is going to help out with part of it so you KNOW it's going to be rad. Because she's rad and radness just radiates from her.

SO PUMPED! About EVERYTHING.

Especially about my reign as a red head being over. Dark hair, purrrr!

See my body, it's nothing to get hung about.
I'm nobody except genetic runaround.
Spiritual era's gone, it ain't comin' back.
BAD RELIGION, a copout, that is all that's left!

You know the shape my breath will take before I let it out.

"In Germany, you say once your reputation is ruined, you can live, like, quite freely" - wise words of wisdom from a German guy drinking in a Berlin Biergarten. Another thing I'll be adding to my list of words to live by. Viva Deutschland!!!

Happy 70th Birthday, John Lennon. You were my least favorite Beatle.

It's a beautiful day outside. Probably one of the last we'll have this year. I guess this is Indian Summer. I'm trying to enjoy it all despite having a gnarly and impairing cold. One minute, I feel like I have to bury myself in bed and the next I feel fairly OK. Dealing with the ebb and flow. And the drainage.

The pups, who are shockingly calm today, and I are lounging while my husband and my dad are building a "rumpus room" outside. That's just a fancy way of saying they're fencing in a section of the yard just for the dogs so they have room to cruise and spend their energy. While they're waiting for construction to be done (it just started), we're watching episodes of No Reservations. They don't seem to get as annoyed by Anthony Bourdain as Todd does.

I'm researching schools in Ohio with culinary programs. Can I handle butchery? I'd like to think I could. Or I could pretend.

Anyway, it's a damn near perfect day. I'm going to get some vitamin D and crunch the leaves under my feet before I start making an Italian mini-feast for the fellas. Tonight, we'll be holed up at home, which is where I love to be. Husband, dogs, good food, a good blanket and some movies. That's all I need. That's what I love.

And speaking of what I love...

I am so sorry about your mom, Carol. I love you more than you know.

Will you take the pain I will give to you again and again, and will you return it?

I got some weird and confusing news yesterday evening. I don't really know what to think about it yet. I need more information and I need things to be made just a little bit clearer. I woke up in such a good mood Monday morning, had such high hopes for the week. Now I'm just in limbo and that's not at all where I want to be.

Again, I'm glad I have people to blather at. You chicks are boss.

Despite my off-balance state of being, I had a nice evening at Castle Grayskull with Phoebe and Todd. It was Bizzle's first visit there and she brought me some awesome artwork and leftover "diamonds" from our wedding. We shot the breeze about a plethora of things and it was good and comforting to see her face. I needed some of that yesterday. She even toughed out an episode of Adventure Time. That's solid, right there.

Then I had to hit the sheets early because I'm back to working ten hour days. Don't get me wrong, I l-l-l-l-loved having Fridays off. Todd and I can reinstate Thursday date night, which I also loved. And the traffic at 5:30am is cake, virtually non-existent. But ten hour days and getting up so early can be rough on someone who is chronically tired. I'm not bitching. Not a lot, anyway.

Oh!  Ben leaves for like 7 months of Asian adventures tomorrow. I want to wish him nothing but safe travels and rockin' good times. But please don't get arrested. I've seen far too many movies involving foreign prisons and punishment. I don't think I'd get away with smuggling you contraband items in a bra, Drink. But have fun and kiss that beautiful wife of yours for me. Make it a public and inappropriate kiss!  And tell her a care package will be on it's way sooooooon!!!

Back to wondering and worrying.

I'm right behind you, win or lose.

Post Secret is getting worse and worse as the weeks go by. It is officially no longer on my list of time-sucking entertainment options. I guess I don't find the revelations of strangers very interesting any more.

Or maybe I'm just edgey because I have a frozen core.

...

That wasn't any sort of wishy-washy psychological commentary on my life. I'm actually physically freezing to the point where my skin hurts. We camped out this weekend and despite 24 hours of rain, it was a good time. The rain was light and misty most of the time so it felt very Fall. Very Halloween. And I was physically fine the entire time...slept like a baby zombie in my new sleeping bag.

It was nice to see this before departing...

When we returned to Castle Grayskull, it all hit. We were cold, wet, and filthy. I took the best shower of my life and pajamas never felt so good. I made cheese soup, crawled back in my bag (on top of my bed...far better than on the ground), and tried to warm myself from the inside out. I think I'm still thawing out.

Fall is here. October is here. It's time to get my paint on.

I haven't used my new art room at all and it's my favorite room in the house. I've got paints, brushes, canvas, and an on-going list of things to paint: Stephanie's stomach-eating girl (no longer a uterus since we found out they're useful!), bacon & eggs to send to California, a ginourmous Castle Grayskull, Hissem's Linda Von, a shark eating a cupcake for my neice, and who can remember what else?? What do I want to do just to DO??

Oooh, Alphabastards!!!

And I keep thinking about black on stripes. Need to take that from head to canvas.

I can't wait to be slathered in acrylics, and not just because that's when Todd finds me most attractive! Plus, I think I'm going to give water colors a whirl. I've never been super awesome at them but it's time to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new. And I'll get on that just as soon as I'm done being uber-chilly.

Oh oh, I want some more. Oh oh, what are you waiting for?

DONE! Viva la Zombie Geisha!

(ignore my silly little footie)

But in sad news, all my thoughts go out to Stephanie and her family. I'm super sorry for the loss of your mom and if there's anything I can do, I'm here for you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for this situation but I don't so...I'll just send a cyber-hug your way.

XO

I will try and shake away this disease.

Before I ramble, please come visit Castle Grayskull before it snows!

We got a Wii Fit Plus last night. I have a crush on it. Big time.

I hula hooped, I jogged (!!!), I did step aerobics, and I can FEEL IT today. From a flipping video game exercise! The runt gave it a whirl and skied, skateboarded, walked the tight rope and had a sweaty brow when he was done.

Todd and I set goals to meet by the end of the year and I see zero problem in achieving them because I can't WAIT to work out again! I'm serious. It has yoga and strength training (eff you, planks...eff you right to Hell) and all that jive but the aerobics and balance things are so f-f-f-f-fun. That will keep us on track.

When I work out, I need results I can see. I need to know what I do is working. This shows me how much I weigh, what my BMI is (I'm normal), how many calories I've burned, how many minutes I've worked out. It keep track of my goal and tells me if I'm losing enough per week to meet it. These are the things I need. This is what motivates me.

Maybe it sounds silly but different things work for different people and I know this is going to work for me. I don't mind working out but I DO mind getting bored. In this situation, I have so much variety (and a little Mii, with glasses and a ponytail to watch) that it should be a breeze.

And all of this can only help me in terms of trying to breed and trying not to let chronic illnesses bog me down. Exercise is essential, especially since I refuse to give up ice-cream and pasta.  And I want ZERO winter weight this year...unless I'm growing a human being.

Happy Hump Day!

I remember when you said if I ever I should need a friend, it's you.

"Make yourself live, create, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it" - a snippet I stole from Windy's super charming blog, Juste Venteux. She is awesome, just like this quote. I am applying it to all areas of my life. Actually, I think I always have. Consider this is a reaffirmation.

I don't want to dive deep into yesterday's appointment but I will say this:

1. There is a plan and we feel really solid about it.
2. I have awesome friends who listen to me when I blather.

Backing up to the reaffirmation that I live somewhat passionately, as corny as that sounds, I have also discovered that in my life, I have been brave.  I've also been a complete basketcase, but when it's counted, I've been brave. That's pretty rad. It's dwindled a little since youth but I can still feel it lingering. I've got a little bit of the hero boy named Finn in my guts.

Now that the philosophical introspection is over...

This weekend is my family's bi-annual Halloween Campout and my little family of 3 is ppppumped! My aunt and uncle live on a farm and every other year, we set up tents waaaay on the back of their property, past barns, a pond, and up a hill. All the delicious chow is prepped over the fire and we fish, carve pumpkins, and...the best of all...walk through the Haunted Forest. My uncle REALLLLLY does it up. The kids go on scavenger hunts and on hayrides and all that jazz. We sit fireside with hot chocolate and cider and hang with a bunch of cool people.

It may sound cheeseball to you, but I love fall and fall festivities. I love the colors and the smells and the food and everything that goes with it. Pumpkins and pies and bonfires and Halloween. Scarves, hoodies, getting snuggly at night. All that stuff makes my world right. And the two dudes in my life are really looking forward to it which makes the whole thing that much more awesome!

So right now, all is right with the world.

Besides the fact that we have a costume wedding coming up and zero ideas : (

Oh!  I forgot to mention that I get to go see Karl tomorrow to finally finish the zombie geisha wedding tattoo! I love it so much and am mega antsy for it to be tomorrow afternoon already! YEEHAW!

Well it isn't a problem. Nothing we can't solve so just relax.

I hate the term "lover". I hate when people refer to the people they have sex with as their "lovers". We're not in France, people. We're not in any European country. "Lover" is unacceptable here. Just call it like it is.

I'm not in the most cute-n-fuzzy mood this morning. Having a doctor's appointment can do that to you. Especially one where you're going to get poked and prodded in your nether regions. Sounds like fun but not in this case. Rats.

I got to meet and hold baby Olivia this weekend so my Baby Fever is up a few degrees. She is pure Heaven, I tell you what. Nothing in this world (short of kitten breath) is better than baby fingers and toes. So cute and so creepy. And I could've just eaten her face. Perfection. Anyway, both Todd and I are smitten with Olivia. When I held her, she held my boob, so I know we're friends for life.

Ben is leaving for Thailand next Wednesday so we went to his Bon Voyage shindig on Saturday with Switchblade. It was fun to see some of the series regulars and sit bonfire-side, shooting the breeze. I need more of that in my life. Stephanie looks god damn awesome and I can only hope I look a fraction as good as she does when I become a host. I'm with Ben..."lovely" is the best descriptor.

And for the record, his new nickname is "The Drink" and not "The Drake", despite what he might want you to believe. And even if he won the right to be called "Texas Ben" in a beer chugging/pie in the face contest, he'll always be Uncle Benjamima to me. And Texas Pete will always be Texas Pete.

Simple as that.

And congrats to Joey and Jackie who recently got engaged. All these Ol' Kentucky Babies and Weddings, I can't believe it. I guess we're all growing up. But don't let that fool you...we're still unbelieveably awesome. We just have awesome spouses and spawn now!

UPDATED

Since we have internet at home, I finally got to update...

STALKING MY LIFE!

We're caught up to August 21st but there are more pics to come. So go there and check out our weird world. And follow if you're not already. Because there have been and will be some shenanigans that you don't want to miss!

Love,

Me & Him

I'm not the hero I could be but not the dog I was.

HEY! HEY!  OVER HERE!

The Holden Arboretum is accepting applications for 20 artists to paint 5' tall garden gnomes for a project similar to the Rock Hall's Guitarmania. I REALLY want to get in on this project. I know there's a slim chance in Hell I'll get selected because there are so many rad local artists who are far superior (artistically) and slightly radder (personally) than I am. But I'm going to try.  When I really want something, I fight tooth-n-nail for it leaving sweat on the sheets and puddles of blood on the streets!

Each artist can submit up to 3 designs with their applications. I know I want to do something Day Of The Dead inspired for sure because it's colorful and it's me. And POSSIBLY something Cleveland inspired (thanks for the idea, Tessa). Maybe turn the little dude into a geisha girl...if that's even possible, I may be thinking to abstractly. Anyway, I'd like to pick your brains for some other cool/funny ideas. I've got a creative bunch of friend and acquaintances out there. And I want my gnome at the Arboretum, dammit!

I hope I can count on your support and encouragement.

Would you ever show or tell? Cause you're so good so far.

"Im putting the hd box in our room today.  N ill gather stix n twigs n leaves feathers etc n make u a nest". - Todd, who claims he isn't totally annoyed with having a sick wife, which I hope is true.

He must really be worried about me because he's actually encouraging me to let both my body-n-brain rot in bed with all those horrible shows I tape which includes, but it not limited to, last night's Adventure Time with Finn & Jake, 28 episodes of No Reservations and a Top Chef D.C. marathon.

A study is saying that eating 1 serving of fatty dairy foods a day can help decrease 1 certain type of infertility or something like that. I think Todd is under the impression that I am funding this particular study. What can I say?  Ice cream is awesome.

Bye.

If I could pull this off, would I know for certain the real situation behind the curtain?

Who wants to play doctor??

So we all know that I have a chronic condition that constantly karate chops my immune system to shreds. My immune system is a weakling that gets sand kicked in his face. We also know that previously mentioned condition has caused me to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is constantly engaged in a bloody, gut-spilling war with my current insomnia. This much we know.

We also know that outside of a cocktail of vitamins and mineral, low stress levels and adequate sleep (which are impossible to achieve), and a $660 per month medication that MAY or may NOT help SOME people SOMETIMES with the Chronic Fatigue (but not at all with the actual condition) and is not covered by insurance, there is nothing anyone in the medical field can do for me. Yes. This we know as well.

What we DON'T know is what the Hell is going on with me now.

For a week now, I've felt like dirt. Nothing fancy. Just dirt. Since my body and I have been hating each other for 31 years, I've gotten pretty good at diagnosing my own troubles. Earlier in the week, it was a sinus infection. Later, it seemed like the flu. But now...I'm clueless. So I'm putting it out there for debate.

I've felt hungover since Sunday morning. Sure, we had cocktails during Anniversary Weekend, but I'm not a frat guy anymore so I wasn't hungover. That feeling has hung on though and it's still kicking my can. It's like a combo of feeling hungover AND drunk simultaneously. And I've had a 102 fever since yesterday afternoon. Could explain why I feel like heat is pouring off the top of my head like cartoon vapors and the head itself  might detach and float away like a balloon. From the neck down, I'm frozen, penguin-style.

Besides a toasty internal temp and overall "weird" feeling, I guess I'd classify myself as ALRIGHT. I have an appetite, I felt decent enough to cook and eat dinner last night (and it was steak so I wasn't effing around), but it feels like I'm doing everything with a buzz on! Or it feels like I'm pushing through a hangover! And that's just not the case. My interest in boozin' and prankin' is minimal at best. So what is going on with me??? Why have I felt like my head's been in a keg for the last week??

And let me stress, this truly has nothing to do with drinking and alcohol and all that. I just want YOU to know that I know the difference between being ill and being drunk/hungover. Those are just the best ways I can describe how I'm feeling. Cause we've allll (besides maybe you, Erin, but you can imagine Josh with his head out the window yelling about Heath Ledger and how he probably felt the next morning) been there. Am I right?

And a 102 temp can't be good.

Maybe I'm not even functioning right now! Maybe I'm in a coma!

I'm gonna eat some Sno-Caps and marinate about this for awhile. But before I do, I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my little Mamacita in Korea! I wish I could deliver myself there in a cake for you but I bet customs would have all kinds of problems with that. I hope you have a fan-flipping-tastic day! xoxoxo

And in not sick-stuff news, I got a sweet anniversary card. Love that guy.

I don't care what they say about us anyway. I don't care about that!

Nothing says "1st Anniversary" like a man shoving his fingers down his throat in the broad daylight on a downtown sidewalk! Welcome to Cleveland, everybody.

Besides that horror, our weekend was a smashing success.

Since we never hang downtown, it was like being away on vacation. We went to the Bodies exhibit which, while super awesome, wasn't worth the price. I think we saw everything in about an hour but  hey, it was something different to do. And I scored a Giant Microbe for my collection (Swine Flu) from the gift shop. SCORE!

I've taken Anatomy and Physiology (aced it, in fact) but seeing all this stuff up close and personal was a little spine chilling. The fetal developement section was rad, the digestive tract and cross sections of genitals I probably could've done without. And who knew the liver was so ginormous??

Speaking of liver, I'm on the wagon for awhile. I need a change. Moving on...

We went to the 4th St. Grill/Corner Alley and had lunch and cocktails. I am DYING to bowl there but who has $35 an hour for shenanigans like that? I couldn't even justify that on Anniversary Weekend. We checked into the hotel and parked it on the king sized bed to watch "Get Him To The Greek" and just be together. After that we hit the bar for complimentary cocktails and then hoofed it to Chocolate Bar.

When we walked up there was a flood of people with footballs and hats and all kinds of security. Why? Because the Browns stay at The Arcade where the Chocolate Bar is. While I sat on patio, Todd got pictures of EVERYBODY (besides Josh Cribbs). He kept coming back to check on me but I was cool with it because he was so pumped. I loved seeing him so happy. Some people had been waiting there for hours and we just waltzed up and scored.

After drinks (hello, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup martini), dinner, and dessert (A-MAZ-ING), another SVU rolls up and Todd jokes that it's probably Cribbs...and it was. He scooted over and snapped some photos. And awhile later when he reappeared, me and my martini breath stole a pile of napkins and a pen and got his autograph for my guy. Josh Cribbs likes my tattoos and congratulated me on 1 year of marriage as he's been married for 8. I think it made Todd's whole night. The fact that Poltergeist was on TV when we went to bed made mine.

We skipped breakfast to soak up more hours in that bed. I swear it was made out of marshmallows and kittens and Heaven. If I could have fit the bed in our bag, I would have stolen it even though I'm anti-theivery. I need to return the pen to Chocolate Bar. We took our fishbowl heads to Winking Lizard for the 1st half of the game and decided home would be an awesome place to be.

I napped on Todd for the 2nd half of the game and then we ate our wedding cake, per tradition. It was a nice way to wrap things up. He offered to go get takeout Macaroni Grill for me but I didn't need it. My weekend was awesome. We got tons of texts, calls, Facebook messages from our friends and family telling us that they loved us and can't believe it's been a year. I can't either.

Memories.

9/19/09, a year ago, we got married downtown.  I had a mimosa with Phoebe at breakfast. Ohio State was playing and traffic was horrible. It was the 1st time my dad saw Todd's hair up. Bob & Stephanie were the last faces I saw before I walked down the aisle. I didn't cry. Todd almost did. Little Jen was the 1st person to call me Mrs. Gansert. I got great hugs from John Jackson and Erin when we left the church. Todd and I had "a moment" alone where he told me I looked beautiful. Todd and I were the 1st people in the photobooth. We were introduced to the Munster's theme song. At the reception, the 1st song that played was "Livin' Thing" by E.L.O. Phoebe bustled my dress. I traded heels for flip flops. We had a specialty drink made with Bubble Gum vodka. Sugar was the person I saw the most through the evening. I finally met Brian in person. Carol helped me with my dress in the bathroom. I was drinking Jameson & ginger ale. Todd and I danced to "Sleepwalk". People really got into the disco. Roni (my nephew's girlfriend) caught the bouquet. We cut a strawberry cupcake with a switchblade. My nephew and bro-in-law were the drunkest people there. The last song that played was "$100 Hangover". The last person I saw before going to the hotel was Lisa. We drove the Gray Ghost which was full of friends. A drunk OSU fan told me I looked hot. Tom held everyone back from getting in the elevator so Todd & I could be alone. The people in the room next to ours were at the wedding AFTER ours. We opened cards and presents. We went to bed husband and wife.

So here's to 1 year and as many more as my body holds out for.

I love you, Todd. Happy Anniversary.

Stand up and face the enemy! It's a do or die situation.

MY ZOMBIE GEISHA IS ALMOST DONE!

Todd and I hung out with Karl for a few hours last night and I'm happy to say that after one more session, the zombie geisha on my shin that looks eeriely like Little Jen will be finished! Then we can move on to my dreeeeeam tattoo (covering up some garbage on my lower back that I thought was super cool one the day I turned 18) of cakes and pies and milshakes and cookies! But as for the geisha...it is officially my favorite. One Hell of a wedding gift! Thanks Karl!

But in less peppy news...I'm stuck in Sick City again. Todd thinks getting my leg worked on let my defenses down and the illness crept in. But now, instead of pesky a sinus infection, it feels like the flu. I always know I'm getting the flu because my neck starts to hurt in a very specific way. But I've been told to fight it! And fight it I will because Anniversary Weekend is right around the corner and we've been looking forward to it. So...

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

*kidney punch*

*groin stab*

Our anniversary plans got altered slightly but I'm just as pumped as I was before. We still have two days jam-packed with awesomeness. And jam-packed with wedding cake! I'm not sure how that tradition started but our cake has been in the freezer since 9-19-09 and I'm not going to break tradition. They say the first 2 years of a marriage are the toughest and we've made it half way without going full-out ninja on each other! GO US!

Now...I'm going to lay my head on my desk and whimper. FU, flu.

Nodoby knows where they might wake up. Nobody knows.

Things are looking up.

Just be sure to look your best. We will surely make the covers.

Balls. Dog balls.

First off, what nerve Google has by suddenly spell-checking what we search for. I don't need Google to be added to the list of things that remind me that I cannot spell. I appreciated the fact that no matter how badly I butchered a word, Google politely said, "Did you mean this?". Now it's throwing jaggedy red lines in my face. Jerks.

Speaking of butchering...

After bailing early on work do to the sinus infection from HELL  or beyond (which left me rotting in my bed all day), I fell in my own driveway and landed smack on my left hand which is now a lovely shade of black. So I had to baby my hand/wrist/arm, my head, and my brain. Yesterday can eat dirt. In the words of Carol The Shoe, "2010 can FUCK OFF!!!! Jezus, enough!!! I wish it had junk so I could kick it there". She used the word 'junk' so you know she's serious.

At least the latest Gray's Anatomy comes out on DVD today because I need something awesome to happen. It's only Tuesday so it's totally possible for the week to go downhill and for my head to actually detacth from my neck.  I'm hoping Tuesday takes a turn for the better. At least it's almost Anniversary Weekend and all I'll have to think about is a comfy hotel bed, room service, and shutting off my brain (with the help of cocktails served in chocolate cups).

Read THIS!!!  For real, save the damn sharks. These dudes chose to hang out in the shark's territory. They put themselves at risk. I remember awhile back when some dude or broad got their arm ripped off by a shark and people wanted to find the shark and kill it. WTF? If a shark came into your living room, into YOUR territory, you'd defend yourself! These people were in the shark's living room. Leave them alone!

Also, and this is NOT a statement about vegans or vegetarians or anything like that, but are the P.E.T.A. people ever happy? I never read any articles about how they're pumped or having good days or about how kittens are cute.  Every article I read is about what they're pissed about now. Come on and get happy, P.E.T.A.

No comment on the Lady Gaga meat dress.

And not because I've previously threatened to wear a bacon bikini.

I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant.

I AM HAVING AN AWESOME MORNING!

Sometimes you wake up and think, "It's just going to be another day". But it's not another day.  The day surprises you like bring hit in the face by a flying fish! Unless you're at a fish market, that would be fairly shocking, I would think. Where did the fish come from? Who is responsible for throwing this wayward fish? How am I going to get this fishy smell off my mug??

But I digress.

I got an e-mail from my mom that simply read "Today will be a 5 star day".

What's sort of sucko is how odd it feels to feel so super pumped. This should be how I feel EVERY FLIPPING DAY. It's not like I've been totally down in the dumps and listening to cry-baby music and reading The Bell Jar or anything. I've been having totally decent and memorable, fun-filled and low-key days. But today has just been awesome like WHOA! I like how awesome like WHOA! feels. I need to feel it more often.

I see a pair of Classic Cardy Uggs and Japanese food in my future.

Now that my heart rate has lowered and I'm feeling a little less manic, I can focus. I feel like I need to appreciate the super awesome days so days like yesterday seem far less craptastic. And it seems like it was stressful and craptastic mixed with a little bit of bananas for a lot of people. I'm glad Wednesday is over and has been replaced by this totally rad Thursday. I'm not even that distraught over the fact that Kelly from Top Chef had to pack her knives and go (sniff).

AWESOME LIKE WHOA!

Doin' anything you like and takin' it easy is all you ever need to do.

Hey long weekend...you were super awesome and I love you.

THURSDAY

I got some rad news at work so I was in a good mood, despite burying my grandma the day before. It was good to have a distraction. At night, I met Johnny at Boardwalk Bar and despite his Nikes, Indians shirt, and mega-short corporate haircut...he was still Switchblade which was good to know. 

We had a few drinks, declared their jukebox "awesome", and went to see the Breeders. He was double fisting Black Labels and I was as giddy as a teenager. Highlights: Saints, Divine Hammer, Bang On, Tipp City, Pacer, Cannonball, seeing an old bestie...and when Kelly Deal couldn't BELIEVE I would take her picture after she FORGOT to plug in her GUITAR for the LEAD! Forgetting to plug in your guitar doesn't make me love you any less, you hot mess.

FRIDAY

Friday, I woke up with a raging sore throat, a fever, and a generally bad disposition. I didn't want to spend my entire day off in bed...but I did.  I watched some Grey's Anatomy and napped on and off. I didn't make it out to see The Dancin' Outlaw or the Lords show. I heard Jesco White was ridiculous and not in a good way. I'm glad I saved the 15 bucks. But I'm sad I missed the Lords 20th. I've been a super fan for years but illness trumps rockin' out these days. I DO need to make it a point to see Wolfboy Slim. I hear he's rad and very Hasil Atkins-esque. Bottom line, Friday = wash.

SATURDAY

The day is a blur but the night is crystal. I went to the benefit for Brother Ed solo and though lung cancer is beyond sucko, seeing my friends was just what I needed. I have the coolest friends. No one can tell me otherwise. And if you try, I'll punch you in the brain.

I had successfully avoided seeing Madison Crawl for many years. They're good at what they do but aren't for me. Background noise. It was a pleasant surprise to get to see the Lords though. And the Horror of 59 reunion was probably the best set I've ever seen them do. Rad. Cult of the Psychic Fetus? Mind blowing per usual, and I'm not just saying that since Alex Murder has decided we're twins without common parents. That makes it creepy. Creepy makes it awesome.

And speaking of Alex Murder, he did a great job in helping organize the whole event. Word on the street is that $7000 was raised to help out Brother Ed and his family.  Money doesn't cure cancer but it sure helps. It was good to see him at the show. And if I didn't know he had lung cancer, I would know he had lung cancer. He's totally committed to kicking cancer and the Devil in the balls and everyone who was there is behind him.

SUNDAY

Sunday, Todd and I had the day to ourselves and we made the most of it. It was one of those unplanned, spur of the moment, fly by the seat of your pants kind of days. We hit Winking Lizard for lunch on the patio and plenty of chit-chat and then decided to see "Machete".  We had time to kill so we hit happy hour where I discovered Pinnacle Whipped. Yep,  "Immitation Whipped Cream flavored Vodka". Yowza. The movie was everything I could have asked for, best flick I've seen since "Inglorious Basterds". We decided to go BACK to happy hour afterwards and had a low-key blast while the race was on. None of the day was planned but it was all aces. Home. Bed. Done.

MONDAY

Labor Day means grilling out. Period. Which we did with my family at my sister's house. Again, low-key and cool. At home, we polished off our day watching our My Name Is Earl boxsets from the beginning and playing Rummy and Yahtzee on our living room floor with the dogs. That's how a week day holiday should be. The epitomy of CHILL.

I hope the week learns a thing or two from the weekend and stays cool.

Forces pulling from the center of the earth again.

I just booked our hotel for anniversary weekend. Mathmatical!

Bob and Stephanie are having a boy! I'm getting pretty good at calling these things. A little flash goes off in my brain that screams PENIS!  I don't even need to see the ultrasound. I just know. I should start charging for my services.

So...R.I.P. Grandma. You were one Hell of a lady.

Yesterday was the funeral and it was both sad and joyous, a celebration of 87 years. I've got a pretty rad (and gigantic) family. And I've got the world's best husband. He came through at every moment I needed him to. It was good to have his hand to hold.

It was hard to see everyone crying. Excruciatingly painful. Eventually my emotions rolled out of my eye sockets which is good...because I was tired of eating them. My digestive track needs a break. Regardless, I saw people cry that I've NEVER seen cry before and I NEVER want to see it again. Horror.

I did learn that I've a little out of practice where church is concerned. When the priest offered me communion with the whole "Body of Christ" jazz, I think I said, "Thanks". Pretty sure that's not the right response. I was asked to read the petitions and though my guts were twisted inside with nerves, I think I did alright. Everyone said I didn't look nervous at all and did a beautiful job. It was an honor.

She had 7 children (including 2 sets of twins). I am the youngest grandchild of 15. There are 23 great-grandchildren and 3 great-great-grandchildren. Hopefully she'll have some pull in helping us expand our already ginormous family.

Anyway, the mass was nice, the cemetery was sad but beautiful (she's under some lovely trees), and lunch turned out to be a good time. It was good to see my dad's face perk up a little. We left and went to PJ's to do a shot of Southern Comfort (allegedly my grandma was fond of it back in the day) and then went to Winking Lizard to eat and wrap up the day. It truly was a good day, circumstances aside.

Thanks to my friends for all their support.

Tonight...BREEDERS! I could stand to have a good time. And I will.

Oh...and to someone "special"...HAHAHAHA!  Thanks for being a constant source of entertainment. What a clown.

Don't want to leave but we both know sometimes it's better to go.

My existence right now can only be categorized as "zombified".

Zombified and bloated. I've been eating and drinking my emotions.

My grandma died Saturday evening.

She was surrounded by family and they made a toast. My mom said it was very nice. I got to see her Friday afternoon and I'm glad I was at least there for my dad. I had already said my goodbyes at the hospital when they gave her Last Rites weeks ago so I just sat next to her. It was so quiet and sad while I was there. It's quiet and sad now.

I'm not good with sorting out my emotions, hence the high caloric intake. I am ingesting my emotions so I don't have to deal with them. There was bar grub and tall drafts, Macaroni Grill and Italian beer, home made comfort food and mudslides, and lots of things off the grill and out of our cooler. There has been a lot of face-stuffing since Wednesday when Santo went on an adventure...an adventure that Shelby tried to re-enact on Friday.

Both dogs are safe at home, by the way.

And they both got to try Brie cheese, another thing on my emotional menu.

We did manage to have some fun this weekend outside of all the chowing. We had our first movie marathon at Grayskull watching Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and Inglorious Basterds. We took the dogs for a walk to North Park and around the lake. Then we browsed the Halloween decorations at Pat Catan's. But yesterday was pitiful. I barely moved, unless it was to saute something. I am totally Eeyore today. I want to go back to bed.

I know that the first half of this week is going to be emotionally exhausting and awful. I'm hoping that the rest of the week and long weekend improves things. Thursday I'm going to see the Breeders with Switchblade. I took a personal day on Friday and will be celebrating 20 years of Lords of the Highway that night. And Saturday will be both awesome (tons of bands and loads of friends) and awful (fuck you, lung cancer) at the benefit for Brother Ed.

Sunday and Monday will be pure recovery...from everything.

Sigh, anniversary weekend can't come soon enough.

...

Shelby ran away while Todd was taking the dogs out this morning.

This week is trying to see just how much I can take.

...

My grandma's kidneys have shut down. It should be soon...

I hate this week.

So do what you must. Do all you can.

Yesterday was an emotional nightmare.

I've been sleeping like rotten garbage again so I was already snarling when the alarm went off. Then the typical "Good Morning" text I get from Todd said, "Yuck. Santo ran away". It wasn't even 6:00am and my day was already a clusterfuck.

Everyone knows I'm not a dog person but finding out that your dog (Shelby is Todd's, Santo is MY snugglebug) has been missing overnight is horrible. I couldn't help wondering if he was hurt or scared or hungry or had been stuck in the rain. And I knew Shelby would be an emo wreck, if dog's can be emo wrecks, without him.

It's really  a long story why they weren't at the new house. Not getting into it.

So I had a mini-breakdown. Made a flier, wallpapered social networking with his picture and info, and let me tell you, I have some of the most AWESOME friends. Everyone rallied. Karl even made an internet flier and people reposted it. It was heart warming. But it was also so unreal.

I left work and went to the W. 7th kennel which was like walking into that Sarah McLaughlin commercial. Row after row of doomed dogs, mostly pitbulls. I called Little Jen and bawled on my way to the APL. Once I got there, they told me no one had brought in huskies but two other people had LOST huskies, damn Houdini dogs! From there I went to the county kennel which was a much nicer facility but still had the same 72 hour policy. 72 hours and those poor dogs are going to doggy heaven. I can never go back there. EVER.

The warden at the county kennel must've felt bad for me. I was sniffling and swollen and a mess. She told me not to give up hope. To tell my neighbors and my mailman. But Santo was out there with no tags...he ate through his collar...and we didn't live there anymore so if he found his way back, who would be there? I really hated myself and hated Todd. But I had to keep trying. I couldn't just lay down and die.

Went back to the old house hoping he'd be on the porch all wide-eyed and dopey. No such luck. And Shelby had a look of depression on her face...though she always looks sad due to her dog eyebrows. Stopped in to the Westpark Animal Hospital with my flier and...

...ONE OF THE NURSES HAD SEEN HIM THE DAY BEFORE!

A couple brought him in to see if he was a patient but he wasn't. The nurse called the couple who agreed to walk the dog (they had been calling him Whitey) to the end of their street...he made it a decent stretch away from home. When they rounded the corner, she left go of the leash and Santo came bounding into my arms.

I told him her was grounded for life.

After a celebratory drink, Todd and I loaded up the dogs and their cages and headed to Castle Grayskull. They are officially settled in at the new digs. And eventhough Santo is grounded for life, both dogs got new bones. It eased my guilt a little.

But I should have felt great! He was home and safe! But no, a little neighborhood bastard ruined it for me. He waltzed into our backyard without asking to look at the dogs and when he saw that I saw him, he ran. THEN was shouting something about how my dogs need to be put down or turned into hot dogs. THEN he threw a STICK at my dogs!

If he throws another stick, I'll throw it back.

So that's the story. Thanks again to everyone for being so awesome and helpful and concerned. It's really cool to know that there are people you can count on to be in your corner. I still might not be a dog person but I'm a MY DOGS person. And I never want either of them to have a 72 hour countdown. EVER.

I need our Quentin Tarantino marathon more than ever. Sheeesh.