I don't mind and I don't mind.

Nothing says Monday like your doc declaring you STD free.

...

Maybe I should state that I had no doubts about my STD-free-ness. I was forced into the tests by my doc who was just looking out for the eyesight of my unborn. Vaginal yuck and baby blindness go hand-in-hand. If you didn't know, now you do.

Want a rant?

I can't flippity flipping BELIEVE that Annette Benning won a Golden Globe for that horrific monstrosity, "The Kids Are Alright". That movie was garbage and I'll be fast-forwarding through her acceptance speech when I watch the Globes...which I have DVR'd because I have an awards show addiction. I would've pulled a Kanye, had I been there. Why I would be at the Golden Globes is in question but I would've gone apeshit!

And why is the press all overcome with shock and awe about Ricky Gervais making jokes at the expense of some "celebrities"? Have you ever watched an awards show before? Do you even KNOW who Ricky Gervais IS? I can't wait to see him lay into Angelina Jolie. She needs to be taken down a few pegs. Preferably by me. And Preferably by cutting off her calves with a machete.

Speaking of amputation...

Sorry, Zsa Zsa. I heard you don't even know your leg is gone yet but that you've been eating ice cream and sausage and smiling. I would not be smiling if I came off of Morphine to discover my leg had been removed. But maybe Zsa Zsa Gabor isn't as anti-amputation as I am. Wait...maybe I'm not so much ANTI-amputation. I'm just terrified of it. Apotemnaphobia. If I were her...apeshit.

I had a bunch of nightmares last night. One dealing with me outside at night in the rain, digging through wet soil to find these long, scary, angry weasel type creatures and then pretty much beating them to death because they were both frightening AND stopping me from fixing my car battery. I felt like I was in the pool in "Poltergeist".

I somehow think the nightmare was cause by an episode of "No Reservations" where Anthony Bourdain was digging for Geoduck/Gooey Duck. Yeah, I'm officially also afraid of prehistoric looking clams. Ostroconophobia. That's just a fear of clams, not prehistoric looking ones specifically.

I've gotta go. I'm feeling freaked out by my own rant!

I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow and I know just where I'm going.

I'm ultra, mega bummed which is not a good start to my work week. Lisa (henceforth known as "The Captain") invited me to Guam for a week of beach resort fun if I could swing the plane ticket. For years, I've always used "the rocky beaches of Guam" as my destination when I threatened to run away. But plane tickets to Guam are way spendy. Now someone else will be having beachy fun with The Captain instead of me. Grrrrrr.

I woke up grouchy and will continue to be so for the duration.

Let's see...what's awesome that I can talk about?

I went to the circus with Bizzle on Thursday night and it was flat out rad, both the circus itself and hanging with that awesome broad. I'll be going again next year, fo' sho. I would make an excellent circus performer. I would also make an awesome owner to a miniature misfit pony that looked that a cupcake. It was great to see Phoebe so super psyched. It was not great to see a little kid in sweatpants and no shoes laying on the stairs eating a sno-cone with a spoon he kept dragging on the ground. Hate that kid.

So the bright lights, sequins and shenanigans of the circus were an excellent distraction until Friday came and I had an appointment I wasn't looking forward to. Luckily, I had a husband who bailed out of work early to accompany me. I'll talk more about the appointment another time. I'll just say that it was uncomfortable but the results were exactly what we wanted to hear. After getting the good news, we celebrated with a 64 ounce German boot and some laughs.

Yesterday, we went to visit my cousin who is in the hospital after a total fluke skateboarding accident. The improvement in his condition from last Monday was mind-blowing and I hope he can ditch that place soon and get back to his family. Post-that, we went to PJ McIntyre's to support a bartender pal who was attacked there back in July. A portion of the bar sales were going to his medical bills so eating and drinking was the least we could do. And the Browns beat the Super Bowl champs for the 3rd year in a row! I only care about that because Todd cares. Cheering for his team is like wearing his letter sweater.

Halloween festivities are approaching. I. AM. AMPED.

But I'm still so bummed about Guam. I lost 2.9 pounds on my new workout plan so I wouldn't have looked half bad in a bikini with an umbrella drink. Plus, I miss The Captain. Le sigh...