Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Well girl you know you only hurt yourself.

Someone at work just called me "Creeping Death". True dat.

I am so horribly ill that it's not even remotely humorous. Bill had this a few weeks ago and he turned into the biggest baby on the planet which is unusual for him. Now I know why he was being such a terror. This is probably this worst cold/flu I've ever had and it's kicking the living daylights out of me. I've been reduced to whimpering which is what I do when I'm really feeling the sickness. And supposedly this one never ends. And while I can handle the insane coughing, headache, and muscle aches, I can NOT tolerate the alterations between freezing to death and sweating my ass off. Rot. I've dropped out of Rockabilly Holiday this year as a preventative measure (and I pretty much want to cry my dry, throbbing eyes out over that...even my EYES hurt) and I'm enlisting all the help I can to get ready for the New Year's Eve party. I'll need it, believe me!

Besides the illness, Christmas (with Puffin) was a good time. Bill loved his presents, I loved my presents (even the kids got me something), and I had an all around good time with him. Even when I was in insane amounts of discomfort and temperature meltdown! He brought me wet towels for my forehead and blankets and juiceboxes. He even offered to clean out the bathtub so I could soak my aches and pains. For a change, he was very understanding about me having the sicks...probably because he gave this stupid sickness to me!! But I forgive him. How could I not forgive someone who bought me a clock with the Playboy bunny head on it for my bar? My family holiday was a different story but that was all sickiness related. It's hard to be social when every part of you feels like poo.

If you DON'T want to feel like poo, watch BEERFEST! A-maz-ing!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I'm so glad I waited for this.

There is a toddler child in my office right now. It's making all sorts of toddler child noises which is, of course, making my skin crawl. It's talking like mad while it's mother is trying to have an adult conversation. She's pretty much ignoring it but I am having a much harder time doing so. I'm visualizing her giving it a quick punch and/or kick. Now it's running AND talking. It's insisting it must continue to run and gab but it just doesn't. It must stop before I go and trip it. I'm almost hoping it will make it's way to my cubicle so I can do away with it. Maybe if I tie some delivious and brightly colored candy up with string...then I can lure it over here. In all actuality, it's better off staying far away from me. I'm not in the mood to feign amusement over obnoxious toddler antics. Skin crawling!!!

Going out to chow with the family which is an unexpected treat. And we're going somewhere expensive which always makes the food taste just that much better. Call it food snobbery if you must but you know it's true. I plan on eating something that was once alive but has since been killed in a heinous manor (jack hammer, hack saw, death by "sleepy time" music) and then hung out in it's own natural juices waiting for me. That sounds just about as close to Heaven as I can get today. Swallowing dead animals without stopping to chew. Just like a common thug. I love meat. And I love the phrase "licking my chops".

I had a dream that Bill and I got a bull terrier last night. We lived together in this big house that looked exactly like the Ol' Kentucky Corral on the inside but had this looooooong back yard that had a weird staircase that led to more yard and patios and trees. Bizarre architecture and landscaping haunts my dreams. Anyway...I wanted to take our puppy out in the grass for the first time and wanted Bill to be there but I couldn't find him. Then I found all these people drinking beer on our weird second yard level patio and he was there, all zipped up on a sleeping bag, drinking beer. Pete Yorko's girlfriend, my nephew, and some weird middle eastern chicks we worked with (we don't work with any weird middle eastern girls) were there. The puppy had no name...and no interest in the grass. It was interested in going out of the gate (who leaves a gate open with a new puppy running about???) and sitting in it's water bowl.

I need a bull terrier puppy.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Shake that thing, I'll buy you a diamond ring!

I have ten minutes left of my lunch. Let's see what I can throw at you.

Sorry to burst your pretty pink bubbles but there's not much to report on regarding this weekend. I thought I'd have a boatload to ramble on about (since I have to utilize my lunch house...those freaks at Time Warner still haven't fixed my darn computer box...blather). There were cocktails, movies, sleeping, cooking, cleaning. This are getting mighty perty for the big New Year's Eve prom, I must say! That there bathroom is almost clean enough to eat in without fear of lingering...funk. I probably wouldn't go much further than chowing down on a hot dog with one hand sitting neatly in my lap. And I'm the one who's been slaving away in there! Regardless...I envision a mini-party in the can on the last day of the year. Be there.

Golly. What a bore. So...hello, y'all. And good-bye for now!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

We know that Christmas will be green & bright!

You should probably prepare yourself for changing weather conditions because the past 2 days have been so splendid, so fulfilling, so delightful...I feel like I could just puke hearts and rainbows all over you while riding on a unicorn! Anyone familiar with Lipton's Giggle Noodle Soup is probably picturing that being splattered all over innocent bystanders but really...would you prefer that I was projectile tossing blood clots and severed limbs? I think not. Embrace my joy and spread it around like bodily fluids through a high school locker room. I may have even grossed myself out with that one.

Translation for the wordiness challenged: it's all gravy. I'm even excited about X-Mas for the first time in years (and you should wish you were my boyfriend since his gifts KICK ASS...I've always been good at that)! And there's Rockabilly Holiday round 2 for the PFG! Jingle-mutha-truckin'-bells, y'all!

Finally had a slumber party with a semi-sick Puffin after a week apart. A whole week apart doesn't work for me. I'm selfish when it comes to the man I love (and he loves me, too...who knew?!?). It didn't seem to work for him either since he told me how good it was to have me back in the bed. Who doesn't want a coconut-scented girl drafting them during cartoons? That's what I say! My Puffin has been sicky sick and has lost 12 pounds. His head looks small and it was startling. But I'm sure once I hula around the living room in my bacon bikini...hubba hubba. There's been lots of tomfoolery here at work that I base on the fact that adrenaline is flowing and excitement has been shot right up our cans. What am I talking about?!?!

WE'RE VEGAS BOUND, BABY! We're flying the friendly skies to the west coast in March (yes, I know Vegas in March and I don't have such a good track record) and boy-oh-boy are we gonna let the good times roll! We're going to gamble, drink, and attend every buffet possible (after we make it out of the coolest airport on the planet)! I'm going to play one slot machine at every casino on the strip! We're going to the race! AND...Puffin is going to jump out of an airplane! It's on his list of things to do before he dies and I'm helping to make it happen! In his own words...what would he do without me!?!? He's never been there and Vegas is my happy place so I predict some keeper memories will be made. There will be pictures. My camera and I are intimate. 88 days, suckers!

New Year's Eve party prep is in the works. Lives will be changed!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

And every day's the same.

This week has been utterly horrific and I'm glad it's over. I want to puke all over this week. In the history books, make sure it's noted that this week is covered in stomach acid and bile. At least in my book it is. I know...all you're hearing is "WAH". I'm not crying. I just really detest this week. I haven't felt well, I haven't been getting along with Puffin and we haven't slept in the same bed in DAYS (he's sick...I'll blame the horror on that as he is a bad patient...he should be puked on as well), and I've been an emotional train wreck. But you know what cures that?

Cheap pizza, even cheaper beer, and watching some horrible show about celebrities (Celebrity Eye Candy, I believe it was called) where the announcer wrote God awful songs about the video clips that just blew my mind. And doing this with some of my peeps? Well hot DOG, it must be my birthday! One of my peeps is still sleeping on my couch as I type this (she's there...I'm not...I'm a working woman...I'm up before the birds). It was a knee-slappin' good time and I throughly amused myself. Especially when I revealed my ultra secret new tattoo idea. It was laughed at and that's what I was going for. It may very well be my crowning gem. Hold on to your bladders, people.

You know what else is funny? Dr. Armshoulder Shoesnshorts. THAT is funny.

It's freezing cold at work right now. It's only 6:25a and all but it is like an icy tomb in here! My fingernails look blue. That can't be good or healthy or desired. I've been up since 5:30a but I don't even mind. I couldn't sleep if someone paid me. But damn...if someone paid me to do that, I'd be a gazillionaire. I can sleep anywhere at any time. New York subway, an apartment with no heat in winter time while a band is recording, during almost every single televised NASCAR race, during a live performance of Phantom of the Opera, during a live Green Day concert...I am JUST that good! Regardless, I couldn't sleep this morning so I don't even really care about being here at work on a Saturday. Almost all of my guys have showed up and if I don't have to call Bill on a Saturday for a rescue, I consider the day a success. *FOOTNOTE: I just had to call Bill for a rescue...damn it. And everything was running like butter on a summer day...I was going for 'smoothe' but that really projects 'salty and melted'. Regardless, poop.***

I want one of these ridiculously kick ass things:

I'd name it "The Honorable Stoli-san". When the cats die, maybe.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Don't worry 'bout them haters!


No matter how much time passes, "One Time For Me" by Reverend Horton Heat remains a damn sexy song. I think it could bring sexy back all on it's own so eff you, Timberlake! I mean, it's just plain hot, like a buttery breakfast bagle straight from the toaster. Or like home made soup...that can sure be hot. Everytime I hear it, I get a little riled up. I think it's the simple yet memorable guitar mixed with the slow-sensual/fast-aggressive changes. I wish I could erase that last sentence because it's so ridiculous but it is so true! Ridiculous yet true, the story of my life. While "Loco Gringos Like a Party" is still my favorite Rev song and will most likely remain so since he's gone down the tubes, "One Time For Me" will be one I never skip over when surfing the good, ol' Ipod.

I just heard someone say, "Would you please remove your hand from my butt". Yikes!

It's 8:00a and I'm eating Graeter's Cinnamon ice cream for breakfast! It is the most insane ice-cream I've ever had and I can't believe I haven't had an orgasm yet. One pint has 1,040 calories, it's over 25% fat, and I love it! I've really been spoiled this weekend. I'm in our state capital visiting Queen B and her King. They are wonderful friends and entertainers. They got me out of the house and off the couch (I've been having a rough and unmotivated week) but didn't make me do anything I didn't want to. Damn this ice-cream! I pretty much stop typing every other sentence to shovel in a spoonful. I am going to be soooo soft after Christmas.

Regardless of my dairy problems...the ride here was relaxing and quick! I was kissed, hugged, and given suggestions ("Be safe, have fun, call me when you get there") from Puffin after a good night's sleep. I fell asleep during the NASCAR awards but NOT before I saw Kyle Bush call his girlfriend by the wrong NAME! Priceless. So I made it here, spent time gossiping and filling them in on all the Sharks, and we hit the road. We had aBBQ lunch, went to Wal-Mart (where all the rude ass bastards work...I should have spit on them), stocked up on Trader Joe's truffles (I bought 3 cans!!!), and then went to Graeter's for ice cream, hence my breakfast of choice. I lounged, read a magazine, and fell asleep watching Accepted and Van Wilder. Puffin tucked me in over the phone and I was OUT! And here we are now...eating ice cream for breakfast.

I also ate an entire wheel of Brie for dinner. Dairy problems!

Once I get back to lovely Clevo, I'll be cleaning my bathroom and bedroom. Not so thrilling but ultra necessary. After all, we have a big New Year's Eve bash in less than 30 days! I hope that Tom and Carol sleep in my room again. I have such a fond memory of New Year's Day 2006 where all these people were piled in my room and then we had PIE! It started off the year right. But then the year SUCKED! I blame it on not having enough pie through the year. Pie solves all problems, especially if it's warm and a la mode. I bet you wished I talked about things with more substance but I don't give 2 figs about politics or religion or philosophy. I care about goofing off, eating pie, my friends, and utter randomness.

It's been a good weekend. I feel alive again after feeling VERY much like a robot zombie. You would think that would be a cool feeling but it's pretty rotten over all. I like robots. I like zombies. But robot zombies...or zombie robots? Not really on my coolness radar. Enjoy your Sunday!