Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Here we are still around!

Love is in the air. Or marriage, rather. Phoebe and I got hitched (not to each other, though she IS my wife) and I know 4 engaged couples all of whom, I believe, are tying the knot in October of next year and most of whom, I KNOW, are awesome! If you're itching to get to the hitching, just stand in close proximity to me for a moment or two (this means YOU, Erin) because since I got engaged, everyone around me is all about commitment and shtuff. It couldn't hurt. I promise to shower regularly, wear an inviting fragrance, and keep my hands to myself!

I may have lied about that last part! I'm a liar.

I'm flipping exhausted. You'd think I'd been working the fields under the burning hot sun with nothing to drink but my own sweat. That's not the case. I want some quality sleep and I want it NOW. I demand it. Just a few days of solid, uniterrupted, nightmare-free sleep. Is that too much to ask for? Because at this moment, I'm looking for a dog to kick or a throat to slash because my brain-n-body are beat. A temporary coma would be divine. And I don't use frilly words like DIVIBNE. In fact, I'm aggitated that I even did that. And I blame it on my lack of sleep.

Mountain Shaker and Rockabye Ransom have completed the line-up for the birthday bash I am oh-so looking forward to. With 8,000 members in the band, it's been suggested that Mountain Shaker will need lube (I hate that word) for them all to fit in the basement. It's also been suggested that every band cover a Hall & Oates song which would be utterly terrific. I am very much looking forward to this event. It could be my corwning gem. But I think I've reserved "my crowning gem" for getting a skunk tattooed in my armpit!

I've got to get through New Year's festivities first before psyching up for my birthday. I'm also looking forward to ringing it all in as 2010 will definitely be our year. And your year, too, Tessa. I know it. With all the smack that's been happening to peopel I adore, good waves have to be coming. And January 1st starts my new photo blog project (http://stalkingmylife.blogspot.com) so be sure to start following. Unless you have no interest in what I find interesting. In which case, you're bananas.

"Abacab" is haunting me!!

Sunday, December 27, 2009


Even though it rocked, I am glad Christmas is over.

I guess I could blather on and on about what we did with our families, what we gave each other, how much F-U-N we had Christmas Eve...but really, it's all summed up. It was out first Christmas as a married couple and as a family and I'm marking it as a total rip-roarin' success! My mom made us tell a (good or bad) Christmas memory. Todd said he was sure that this year would be his memory for NEXT year...since he has such a cool wife and all. Man, I am full of myself today. Nah...I'm just happy. Anyway, see you next year, X-Mas. Now my wallet can officially stop bitching at me!

God bless time off because I am just not ready to go back to work yet. Tonight we're going to have a mini holiday get together with some of our besties. I am beyound pumped for that. And tomorrow we're meeting up with all my cousins...who are cooler than most people and I wish I could be more like them when I grow up...for some family cocktails. Then a short week at work and another 5 day weekend!!! Solid.

I need to start thinking about New Year's resolutions. I know I want...no, NEED...to work on boosting my immune system. And I need to start saving some dough for any hypothetical spawn that may start cooking in 2010...or for a Mini-Cooper if I'm feelin ultimately shallow. Regardless, I've learned (thanks to Carol) that the more resolutions/goals I set for myself over the year, the more chances I have to feel like a success rather than a failure. Not that I often times feel like a failure. I'm too awesome for that.

Is owning 50 plaid shirts a solid resolution? I think so.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say life is good. In case anyone forgot.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Time to be nice to the people you can't stand.

I am now officially and totally in the holiday spirit. And not just because we've decided to make our X-Mas Eve night alone "clothing optional"!!! I've caught the holiday fever, people, and I'm trying to spread it around to those who have lost their spirit. And maybe they're tell me to F myself in the A. Maybe they'll punch me in the junk (speaking of that, "vajunk" is the new buzz word for a woman's nether region, you heard it here first). I don't care. I'll go all Holiday Ninja on them. I'm not sure what that means. What I DO know is that for the first time since my youth, I'm pumped about the holidays.

5 day weekend. I do so love how that sounds.

Since my dance card is full (full of get-togethers, festivities, PJs, nudity, hijinks, shenanigans, tomfoolery and chaos) until Tuesday...yes, TUESDAY...I'll take this opportunity to encourage people to watch all X-Mas related episodes of Futurama, drink some Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate (sorry, it rules, FU people who hate Starbucks), and just take this tacky holiday for what it is. A prime opportunity to have an awesome time! Oh my God, I probably sounds high. Usually at this time of year, I'm slashing throats, punching babies and kicking dogs. Maybe I AM high. I've always suspected someone would try to poison me.

Anyway...Merry Merry!

Monday, December 21, 2009

I didn't want to walk out on you.

I posted this without saying a few things I wanted to.

EDIT #1: I'm shocked that Brittany Murphy is dead but really don't care too much. Yeah, she was funny. And yeah, she voiced Luanne Platter on King of the Hill. But other than that...I sort of forgot she existed over the past few years. Regardless, R.I.P.

EDIT #2: Last night at PJs, the guy across from us looked A LOT like Edward Cullen. Both Todd and I could not take out eyes off him. We even tried to stealthily take pictures of him with our phones. We were like STALKERS. He probably thought we wanted to take him home.

EDIT #3: Todd and I have picked a girl baby name. There's no bun in the oven but there will be in 2010. We picked a first and middle name that we both LOVE. There was no settling or compromise. And the name goes well with Berringer which is good since we're breeding her to marry Evan.

"Hank, can we please stop doing this. I can feel my liver through my shirt" - Peggy Hill.

I would like to give the weekend two thumbs up and a high five despite the fact that I CAN feel my liver through my shirt. I'm not saying I drank like a sailor but I've cut back so much that even a few cocktails shocks my insides. Did you know that alcoholics must be sober for 1 year before they can receive a liver transplant? I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic or that I need a liver transplant. That was just a fun fact to expand your brain size.

Moving on.

Yeah, the weekend was super solid. Lots of one-on-one time with the husband which was needed. Saturday marked 3 months since we got hitched and in 3 months, well, we've been mega stressed out which is hard on newleyweds. Especially with Todd getting laid off. We could've done without that one for sure. But the weekend was rad and put us back into a really good place. We're all gross for each other-n-stuff.

Besides watching movies (Funny People with Adam Sandler was terrible...my brain still aches from trying to tough it out) we slept a lot, enjoyed numerous cocktails, got frisky like teenagers, and even had a pretty awesome date on Saturday: Japanese food at Benihana (I rock the chopsticks) and Daikaiju at Euclid Tavern! Added two more bands for the party in February, Rockabye Ransom and Mountain Shaker. Counting down the days for that bad boy. What else? Watched the Browns game, made lasagna and lemon pasta, went to PJs for their X-Mas par-tay. That pretty much sums it up.

And speaking of X-Mas...I'm pumped about it again! SUPER pumped. I've got a 3 day work week followed by a 5 day weekend filled with awesomeness! I'm especially looking forward to Sunday when Becky comes to visit. AND there will be a special appearance by Mary Byrne who I haven't seen in 5 or 6 years and has my single favorite laugh EVER. I plan on making her laugh her pants off. I plan on laughing my OWN pants off. Then there's another short work week followed by New Year's radness, a 4 day weekend, and TAILGATING with Carol "The Shoe" Shoelane?!?!?! Yep. Life is good.

I feel all whole and stuff.

Friday, December 18, 2009

What did I see? I saw hips. I saw thighs.

Someone's wearing their frisky pants today.

(It's meeeee).

David Porter & The Young Repulicans and Gimme Dat Shoe (featuring former members of Lords Of The Highway and Horror of 59) are confirmed for the 30th Birthday Party Part 2 that will be held at our digs on Saturday February 6th. A band from Columbus might round things out or I might try to strike up a deal with Cult Of The Psychic Fetus, though that may require ritual sacrifice. I wonder if they'll accept a really hyper, 1/2 wolf & 1/2 mutt names Shelby. Regardless, the date is set, the wheels are in motion, and it will be legendary, no doubt.

I have to get my mind out of the gutter.

Until I get home, that is. Ahhh...I feel like I'm 14 again.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I can only see your face.

Onboxious, unintelligible pop-monster Sting claims that "Every Breath You Take" is NOT about stalking a woman. I claim that Sting is worthless and also delusional. You wrote a creepy stalking song, Police. Deal with it. You can't take it back.

I think it might be time for another foreign language rant. I'm going to hold off a day or two and feed my rage, let it stew. Actually, it's not even rage because the whole situation makes me laugh my face right off of my head. I wouldn't waste bottled up rage on such a worthless piece of white t-t-t-t-trash. What foreign language goes best with being entertained by people who are flat our ridiculous? I'm thinking German. Discuss.

At the WCSB Halloween party, which we had a mind-blowingly excellent time at, there was this band that made me want to chew through my own wrists or do windmills taking out people in my path. It was basically 45 minutes of "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!". When they were done doing whatever they were doing, Todd and I felt anxious and disturbed. I expressed my hatred for said "band" and I was basically looked down upon because I didn't embrace "noise bands". Noise band? Puh-lease tell me you're kidding! I hate you Fragments, and I hope I never see you again.

I thought the singer of "We Five" was a man. Sorry.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Lights on the tree. I'm watchin' them shine.

My favorite Christmas song is the version of "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by New Bomb Turks. It was recorded on a 3-track in someone's kitchen. I'm almost 100% certain it's on the Pissing Out The Poison album. Get it, listen to it, and if you don't have it, bring your record player to my house because I DO have it. It's even more gross and raw on vinyl. Oh Eric Davidson, how you have the ability to make me uncomfortable like no other! I love the way you kind of look like a little less Frankenstein-y version of Quentin Tarrantino.

A titch of my holiday spirit has been restored, I'm happy to say. I guess I should say a part of my OVERALL spirit has been restored. You know how sometimes you have to make smaller messes before a room gets decluttered and cleaned? Yeah. It happpens in all areas of life. There was a big mess which became several smaller messes and now everything is clean. And I'm all happy-n-content-n-satisfied. Which is much better than being than being a total jerkoff. Not saying I was being one. Just saying.

I don't want to get all nostalgic about 2009 but I can't believe it's going to be over in 2 weeks. This year has been the most bananas combination of insanity and pure awesomeness. I had my first art show and it was a success, I got married to someone rad, I went to Jamaica and swam with 8 foot sharks, Jen had a perfect baby, we decided to try breeding (early next year), things changed for me at work (smile), things changed for Todd at work (frown), PHOEBE got married (by ME)...and those are just the big ticket items! There was plenty more awesomeness and insanity filling in the gaps! I'm bummed to see 2009 go but super psyched to enter 2010 with guns blazing!

I'm in a good place right now. I don't feel like slashing throats or kicking babies. I feel all whole and undamaged. Who knew? Life is good!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I've got wounds to bind.

In the song "Major Tom" by Peter Schilling, does Major Tom end of floating around in space due to a mechanical malfunction or does he purposefully CHOOSE to just disappear into outerspace? The song confused me once I listened more closely. This jam is equally as creepy as songs by The Alan Parsons Project. So heed my warning, don't listen to it at night, in the dark, alone, when upset or scared, and ESPECIALLY don't listen to it while driving alone at night in an unfamiliar or questionable neighborhood. Shivers.

Once I figure that one out, maybe I can finally decided whether it's a good or bad thing that Spaceshits want to "cook that woman up in bacon grease" and "grease her up, grease her up, man oh man". Still on the fence about that one.

The world is your oyster.

What if you don't like oysters? Are you screwed?

I've been feeling off recently. Not so much like myself and that needs to get remedied right quick. I need projects. I painted the bathroom last night and wrapped X-Mas gifts. That was only a temporary fix. I'd like to start painting again or do something else in the art department. But that involves money. And money got tight once we became a single income fam. Not that we were making it rain or anything before but still. I hate money. I want to set it all on fire...but not as much as I want to spend it. The bottom line is I need to turn my brain off for awhile. And I need a way to do that which inflicts less permanent damage than actually sawing my skull open and scooping that sucker out.

Monday, December 14, 2009

I want your horror. I want your design.

I had a textversation with Phoebe last night about the fact that I was secretly listening to Lady GaGa on my headphones, in the dark, alone (possibly while hiding under a blanket). She agreed to still be friends with me as admitting my misdeeds was the first step to recovery. I was also listening to "Suddenly" by Billy Ocean and the theme song to The Greatest American Hero, which may just be unforgivable. It was a new low for me. I feel dirty.

If I ever start a band (oh that high school dream that will never die), I am for SURE going to wear animal costumes while we play. I say that now because it's been a few months since I donned the "Finger Lickin' Strip Tease" suit. I've forgotten how it feels like boiling death when you're in there. Much like how female cats forget there are barbs on male cat junk that shreds them during mating (cause for the unmistakeable howl during cat love)...they keep on sticking their cat butts in the air. Such is my feeling towards animal costumes. What was my point again?

Oh yeah. Starting a band with a gimick.

I'll get on that in 2010.

This morning I was handed a bag full of canned pineapples which is similar to handing me a bag of severed baby bunny heads. I am utterly repulsed. I'm sure there are far worse things to be reulsed by, like that guy in Cleveland with all the dead bodies in his basement...but I'm giving this one to the pineapples. They are certainly the devil's fruit. Don't try and tell me differently because I'm stubborn where foods I hate that start with P are concerned.

I think there is going to be a 30th Birthday Party (it will really be my 31st but since my 30th didn't go the way I planned, I'm calling a do-over) in February. It will be the kick-off to bringing basement parties back at the Ol' Kentucky Corral. If you know any awesome bands I should have play at my par-tay, let me know. It's not a TRUE Ol' Kentucky basement party without bands. Though karaoke is always an option...


Thursday, December 10, 2009

I really love you & we're gonna get married.


Oh Thank GOD. It's been eating me alive. So...a few weeks ago, a friend tells me that she and her boyfriend of many years want to get married. She told me via text so she missed out on the no-doubt HILARIOUS look on my mug. It was a big secret and they weren't telling ANYONE, therefore I was bound to secrecy. I offered to officiate as years ago I became ordained via the interweb. It was the cool thing to do.

Lo and behold, they actually DID want me to marry them!

Since I have a new last name, I became reordained at the end of October. When my credentials came in the mail, I submitted them to the Secretary of State and POW! My certificate came in the mail and I was officially Reverend L.G. I'd like to be referred to as "The Rev" from now on. Moving along...the secret date and secret location were set, the stand-in rings were secured (custom rings weren't ready so the ring bearer, who is also MY husband, bought Ring Pops), and we were off.

At 6:00pm, Wednesday December 2nd, Todd and I met the bride-n-groom, along with 4 pals, at The Happy Dog. We all had a drink and then moved to a slightly more secluded side of the bar while the horrible DJ played a short play list for us. I talked a little about marriage and then those crazy kids exchanged vows (I liked the whoel "repeat after me" thing). And it was very sweet. The groom took her hands and look her in the eyes which was slightly surprising. The bride looked sweet-n-shy and sort of hid in his armpit which was not surprising (love you).

Then the best lookin' ring bearer in town offered up Watermelon for the groom, Strawberry for the bride. They exchanged the Ring Pops, agreeded to never divorce, I pronounced them husband and wife...with all that power given to me by the great state of Ohiya...and they kissed. It truly was a very sweet evening. I signed the marriage license and it was official.

CONGRATULATIONS PHOEBE & RYAN!!! May you have a long, healthy, happy marriage. Thanks for letting me be a part of your big day. It truly was an honor to serve as your reverend. I hope you are the first in a long line of people I can to join in wedded bliss in bizarre local locations. LOVE YOU.

Farewell Lieutenant and HELLO CAPTAIN! I'm like a proud mama.

My intestines have decided that today would be a good day to have some sort of Battle Royale. And I'm fairly certain that if I just drilled an itty bitty hole between my eyes or in my temples, this day would drastically improve. I need a warm washcloth on my forehead, pajamas, noodle soup, and juice. I need a backrub and I need to hibernate. This chronic virus and syndrome garbage is starting to get old.

Off topic, "Abbacab" by Genesis sort of creeps me out.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

First you must learn to swim all over again.

Dear Awesome Commenters:

1. The new additions to the PFG clan with be Grimm's girlfriend, Erin (and GRIMM himself as our smarmy emcee, hopefully in some sort of glittery suitcoat and fake mustache), and a friend of Karen's that I have never metbut she comes highly recommended. If we can squeeze just one more luscious lady in there, I think we'll be solid. It's going to be new and improved and hopefully involve a lot more antics in animal costumes.

2. The only reason I'm not going to nursing school (besides being allergic to toddlers and the elderly) is that things are really solid at my current place of employment. May not be the job I dreamed of as a little girl but honestly, I was never going to be a succesful sculptor or plastic surgeon. So with room to grow, overtime, work days that just fly by, and a laid-off husband...I better stay put for now. I don't think nursing school is going anywhere. I also don't think I'll ever throughly be able to wrap my head around math. Plus, my extra pennies need to be invested in a plane ticket to Korea.


Yours Truly

P.S. I have recently purchased a switchblade comb for mustaches, ranch salad dressing flavored breath mints, and a stuffed animal that represents MRSA wearing a cape. How do you like me now?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Whether to believe or not is only up to you.

I just heard some news. I don't like it. I need info.



Moving on.

You should be seeing more of The New-n-Improved Pussyfoot Girls in early 2010 and the litter is expanding by at LEAST 2. I see many wigs and fake lashes in my future. Time to get my strut on. Again.

I've put the nix on nursing school. I don't feel like spending money to make money when I'm already making money. And that's just asking my immune system to commit suicide right there. Plus I pretty much hate people.

I've been sort of spitting nails recently. I want to shake it off but the feeling seems to be embedded. I wish I could get in a meaningless fist fight...but with a punching bag so no one gets their feelings...or face...hurt.

I just remembered how much I hate "Gummo". Ugh.

It's really sucko that we aren't going to The Falls for New Year's Eve. I'm determined for 2010 to be nothing but f-u-n and that would've been a great jump start. But a hotel back-up plan is in the works. I do love a back-up plan.

This is mighty random, I know. I don't care. Eat dirt. No! Eat the fried cheese at Cheesecake Factory! And drink Bomb Pops at PJ McIntyre's! That'll fix whatever is unhinged. At least temporarily.

TMFK, I hope something can fix what has you unhinged today. I love you.

Monday, December 07, 2009

When I swallow my gum, you never react.

For the sake of posterity, I want to make note that Todd watched "Twilight" with me last night. It could have been due to beer consumption. It could have been that he was in a turkey dinner induced coma. But the text he sent to Tessa suggests that it was because he loves me.

This may shock you but I am really getting in the X-Mas spirit this year. Big holidays typically make me (and my husband) want to throw up in the laps of innocent passerbys but I guess I've got the bug this year. Tessa and I are going to rally next Wednesday and get our shop on. I'm a bad shopper in a sense that I like to buy but not to SHOP. But I pride myself on being a good gift giver so I've got my list and I'm going into those stores with guns blazzing! Todd is in for some pure awesomeness. It'll take every ounce of self-restraint I have to not give him his gifts on our Anti-X-Mas-Eve.

Hit up 2 parties on Saturday despite my ever-growing exhaustion and had a great time. First was Tom & Carol's Taco Party. I wish my walnut sized brain would've remembered to bring "Taco Party" by Michael Ian Black. If you haven't read that yet, do it! It's in the book "My Custom Van" and I pee a little (just like when Karen jumps on a trampoline) every time I read it. Anyway, the were excellent hosts and I had a rad time.

Then a segment of the Taco Party people migrated to Jim's for a festive fiesta! It gave me the warm and fuzzies to see a bunch of my pals that I haven't palled with in awhile. Did a few Twister moves, rocked out to bands (Mountain Shaker was SOLID and Kevin-n-Hadley can't get any cuter), enjoyed some Tequilla and Presidente, learned the beauty of "turkey bags" from Texas Pete. That conversation evolved into a Sunday turkey dinner that I couldn't have been happier with. Eff you, Martha Stewart!

If you know anyone who is into mustaches, being a drunk, Chuck Norris and/or Mr. T, smut, poop, or kitch, may I suggest you go to Urban Outfitters immediately? I could have hemorraged my paycheck in that joint but I practiced self-control. I marked that on the calendar as "a first". It took all the strength I had not to buy something called "Borrow My Pen" which included 8 pens from questionable businesses such as "The West Bend Sex Addiction Clinic". Stuff like that. Mind blowingly awesome.

RANDOM: Anyone who finds me the 80's HBO TV show "Brain Games" on DVD or VHS (I'll take a totally raped copy, I'm no snob) gets a special prize. Probably purchased at Urban Outfitters. And probably involving a mustache.

Time to turn my brain back on.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Good morning captain. Good morning to you!

I have bones tattooed on my thumbs. I don't know why I waited so long to talk about them. Maybe I didn't want my mom's head to fall off. Tattoos are for drunks and sailors, you know. And tattoos on the hands really crossed a line. "Everlasting Job Stoppers" as Phoebe would say. Regardless...

When Todd and I were on the Key West portion of our honeymoon, we saw a rad looking tattoo shop and suddenly had a major craving for matching tattoos (which I NEVER thought would happen). The only "matching" tattoo I have is the anchor on the inside of my arm that says "Sailor's Girl" based on the song "18 Wheels". Jen has the same. It's a bonding thing. But I've strayed from the initial point. That's what I do. Blather.

So what wedding tattoos would we get? Certainly not a lock and key. Forget names (I already have Robot Todd anyway). Out of nowhere, Todd suggests bones on our thumbs because we are major hand holders and when we do, it would create crossbones. So there you have it. We didn't get them in Key West because...well...there were dacquiris involved and shark swimming to be done. So as soon as we were back in Ohio, we hit up Karl!

They were the first thumbs he's every tattooed.

Mine are pink. His are golden.

I don't know why I decided to talk about my bones today as they've been there for 2.5 months already. I guess it's because my brain feels sort of deep-fried and I'm just a little bit zombie today. I plan on making the most out of my weekend as the week itself made me feel off-balance. Tonight we're working on the great basement project (got a 55" widescreen yesterday that will make watching any movie with blood splatter ten times better). Tomorrow is TACO NIGHT with the Shoe-Lanes and then a par-tay at Jim's that I'm really looking forward to. And Sunday is chiiiiiiiill per usual. I think I'll be making a turkey, or so it's been suggested. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm also looking forward to seeing "New Moon" for the 3rd time.