Thursday, September 28, 2006

Gonna get rowdy. Gonna get a little unruly.

Bad blogger! Bad! And for once, I have tons and tons of garbage to talk about! Every night before I hit the sheets (I've been spending some good quality time sleeping at my house recently), I think about spewing some words out on to this page but it just doesn't happen. Television, pillows, and a stuffed ghost win out. And the topics in my head and just all over the map! Very little of them are about boys which should make you happy since I have recently become an emotional SAP ASS! I promise to catch up tonight if I can. That's a bad promise. I'll TRY to catch up and fill your heads full of rubbish. What I PROMISE is that I am going to blog EVERY DAY in October. Even if I just write SLEAZE-BAG in big letters on the page or post a pciture of me pretending to be a carrot vampire (or a carrot walrus depending on your interpretation). So I say it, so it shall be done.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I can't get what I want prescripted.

General Points of Interest or Disinterest, Depending On Who You Are

1. Little Jen is moving out by the beginning of the month. I believe Tom will be going, too. This will leaving me roommate-less and minus two cats and you know what? I'm pretty OK with that. I've been paid no rent and been able to swing the bills for three people so swinging them for one...who is rarely there...should be utterly possible as long as I stop buying such expensive cheese. I'm looking forward to having the run of the house, along with my 3 children. 3 adults, 5 cats, and a rat? That's pure insanity.

2. I know what I want but I deserve better. What do I do?

3. Season premier of Grey's Anatomy tonight. I'm turning my phone off and not leaving my bed. You mark my words. The premier date has been on my calendar in bright orange letters for DAYS! If Meredith and McDreamy don't get-it-together, all Hell breaks loose.

4. Season premier of American's Next Top Model last night. I had it taped. I'm watching it as soon as I get home if I don't slip into a coma first. I already pegged some bitches and ugly broads when I stole glances at the screen which I should NOT have been doing. I'm a cheater.

5. I think I want to go see Jackass 2 tomorrow. Any takers?

God, this whole thing is really dull. I thought I had a lot to say but I really don't and that's embarrassing. I'm in a foul mood because I got very little sleep. I was fairly certain that if anyone rubbed me the wrong way today, I would have walked right out on my job and never looked back. But then I'd be living in the streets. I wonder how much I'd mind that? I'm not good with cold. Or hunger. I dated/lived with a man who drank too much for far too many years. I was always cleaning up his messes and taking care of him. Why do I feel like I'm starting to get back in that pattern? I am WORTH being nice to! I am WORTH loving! I am NOT around to hide all your beer cans from your children since YOU couldn't because you were an hour and a half late for work! I am girlfriend material not a potential maid. Hmph. There is so much more to this story but I need to let it go for now. It's making me slip into old habits I don't like so much. I just have to remember that there are clean pajamas, pain medication, Pepsi, vegetable soup, a stuffed ghost to snuggle, and lots of television waiting for me at home.

It's not the same as wrapping myself around a hairy (as in his chest and back, certainly not his head), good-smelling dude with a beer belly and watching cartoons and goofing off. That's tops...when everyone is in a good mood and hasn't drank ten times their weight in beer (30+ cans built into a Beer-a-mid on your kitchen table). But maybe I need a break from that to sort of send of a flare in his head (yes, we've digressed to talking about HIM). Do you want me!? Do you REALLY!? Are you missing me when I'm not there!? Are you sober when you're missing me!? The more I've been sleeping at home, the more I've come to the conclusion that his bed isn't as comfortable as I thought.

I might be lying. But don't tell my bed that. It's been good to me.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Gotta get serious. Gotta cram.

Life has been overly serious recently. Way too up and down for my taste. I find myself having to prove myself everywhere I go and that's just not my style. I am who/what I am, take it or leave it. I really don't like having to defend myself or make people understand where I'm coming from. Especially to people who have NO IDEA what my life or job are like, people who I don't exactly respect that much anymore. It's hard to bust ass for and be enthusiastic about people who aren't holding in high regard these days. I guess I just have to suck it up for now until I figure out what the smart thing to do with be.

A lot of this has to do with my career path, to be honest. My parents made the very generous offer to help me go back to school...even to grad school if that's what I wanted. I could rpobably go to Cosmetology school...whatever will make me happy. I think I'm a different person now than when I was an undergraduate. I have more of a drive and more ambition and just more of a general desire to learn and do well and be more. At this moment in time, I have nothing to prove to anyone where school is concerned. I would only have to prove something to msyelf. That I could get those kick ass grades, graduate with honors, get through it without losing my marbles. It's a lot to think about. Lots of decisions have to be made and I'll need a lot of support and back-up. Bill promised to do strip flashcards with me which was pretty sweet in a perverted way.

And while on this work and school rollercoaster, I've taken a detour regarding my relationship. My man has been hard to handle recently. Up and down. Up and down. And that gets to me. He is the one that can hurt me worse than anyone else. Finally I stuck up for myself and for one whole hour, I unloaded on him. Told him EVERYTHING I had to say about how I am treated. I am WORTH being nice to. I am WORTH keeping around. I am NOT going to be walked all over. I did this for a whole hour and put his listening skills to the test yesterday when we mixed an evening out with alcohol.

Everything was nice and friendly and kissy and what not and then it hit that peak where I said or did SOMETHING to rub him the wrong way. Instead of begging him to be nice or asking him what was wrong, I got quiet. Still enjoyed my evening, still talked to him but didn't lavish him in attention. That must have bigged him because then a lightbulb went off telling him that he was being a dork. He apologized and our night ended up being a nice night out. I let him vent on the drive home about anything he needs to. I said I needed someone to lean on and wanted to prove that he has that in me. If the night ends watching cartoons and drafting in the bed, I consider it a success.

I've been a bum today. Lots of sleeping and Netflix and that's A-OK for me. I haven't been in the best physical or mental shape recently and I haven't had much support (except for Phoebe...she's been the bomb...DA BOMB). Spending this day snoozing and resting and only doing what I wanted to and not having too much to worry about (things are good with Bill, I'm in a good place regarding work bullshit because I can only do what I can do, I refuse to LIVE my job, I've started to straighten up the joint in preparation to be livin' single) has been a nice change. And I get to have fondue with Phoebe tomorrow! It's nice to have a treat to look forward to.

Encough of this. My bed misses me and wants me to stop raving.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

But nothing can change the way I feel today.

EMO ALERT! Put up your trendy umbrellas so you don't ruin that dramatic emo haircut of yours because there is a little, black, bastard of a rain cloud bugging the sweet bejesus out of me. Yes, ladies and germs, I am in a bear of a mood yet again! Weeeeee! I've been using the good old "I've got allergies" or "There's something in my eye" excuse all the live long day but that doesn't explain why I have lips like Angelina Jolie and I'm all red and blotchy. I wish I could just throw up on someone. Preferably a small child or a member of the elderly population. That would perk me up, no doubt. Though I did throw up on a tree in my back yard this week and that pretty much added to my depression.

Yes, I'm riding the "d" train and I'm buying stock in tissues.

I really don't feel like going in to all the bloody, gutty, nasty, slimy, gorey, stanky details. Because overall, I had a Helluva weekend with a pretty gnarly Pussyfoot show at the Wakeman airport and some camping with my fella in Sandusky (the baked potatos were hard as bricks but the corn-on-the-cob was da bomb, as the kids like to say). We even had a pretty k-rad bonfire on Sunday night...80% k-rad and 20% suck-ass. It had such potential to be a bonafide rocker of a weekend, and I'm not saying it was all based on the late-night brawl. There were all kinds of elements adding to my fury. I spent my Monday vacation from work in my bed on Vicodin, watching Project Runway season 2 and loathing all.

I'm feeling all lonely again and it's lonliness that I find to be the most rotten annoyance in my life. And once again, this is NOT just based on the man in my life. I'm all kinds of lonely. And I feel like nothing I do is good enough for ANYONE. There must be something going around at my house because Jen caught this moody, self-pitying bug and now I have it. I don't say the right things. I don't do the right things. I can't make anyone happy. I'm not worth being around or being included. I don't deserve to be nice to. I don't try hard enough. I can't pull anything off. There's so many more "I don't" or "I can't" that I could boo-hoo and wah-wah about but I really don't want to relive this days from now when I'm (hopefully) all smiles and laughs again.

But for now...pass the Kleenex please.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

We gonna play until you feel happy so come on.

I am a mother to a brand new baby grill. We named her Shannon Sheppard.

I haven't been bl-l-l-l-l-logging since there's not too much to report. I've pretty much been a working, drinking, sleeping bum. And I'm cool with that. But I live to entertain you and I feel I'm letting you down. I'll step up to the plate and serve it up once my life holds more than drinking beer, watching Project Runway, and goofy bullshit activities with Bill (like buying adorable little grills and naming them Shannon).

Man, I've been quite the little pervert at work today. Shame on me.

If you're bored on Saturday or just looking for something out of the norm to do (cause poking your crippled Grandma with various sharp objects is getting old and cruel), why not come see The Pussyfoot Girls at the Rockin' Rod Rumble at Wakeman Airport? There will be bands...Slack Jawed Yokels, Devilbillys, and cars and hot chicks! Not just with us shakin' our tail feathers in your grandpa's face. There's gonna be a pin-up girl contest as well!!! Smack my ass and call me mommy, this is going to be a good time. Possibly because I MAY or may NOT be dressed up as a rat. You'll just have to come out and see.

Clocking in from 9 to 5.
At the bar from 5 to 9.
Go home, watch TV 'til you're blinded.
3 good ways to waste your mind.
And you don't mind it.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Get a check on Friday but it's already spent.

Got my bill from the big, bad, Athsma emergency room visit. Not pretty. Pretty effed.

Started off the long weekend right (and right in the middle of the week, mind you) with a Wednesday night of beer swillin', clothes warshin', and Project Runwayin' (hit the road, Angela, like you should have WEEKS ago with your pooooofy skirts and "flurshonds"). I could have used more sleep. I could have done without getting a visit from My Girl Flo in the least it signifies no visit from the stork!

Followed that up last night with my first trip to Browns Stadium. Sure they lost but a guy threw up on the field and some little kids played at half time and I got to see them fall down and become injured. Pretty sweet is the pain of small athlectic children. It was fun for my first game, regardless of knowing nothing about football. Bill invited my nephew and his girlfriend along and we all traded injury and surgical stories on the ride home. It was mildly graphic and highly hysterical.

Tonight I have a hot and fancy date to go on a rush hour booze cruise type deal around downtown with my fella. But it's looking pretty grim and grey in these Cleveland skies. And it's COLD! Brrrrrr! I'm wondering if the two of us will trade drinking icy cold beers on a boat on the river in the rain and windy weather for wrapping ourselves in blankets and hoodies and vegging, catching up on much needed sleep and "drafting". Beers won't seem as cold in that location! But we have been looking forward to this so maybe we'll be daredevils. We'll see what card Mother Nature deals us later.

Saturday is a veg day. Bill has his kids so I'm on my own. I'll be sleeping, watching my new Project Runway box sets, doing laundry, cleaning my room, maybe havign lunch with Phoebe, and hanging with Carol (FINALLY! I'm going through withdrawl...see the shakes?!?) at night. Maybe a movie. Maybe food. Maybe a bar. Maybe...Saturday will kick some major ass! Actually, I can guarantee that. No maybe.

And then we have Sunday and Monday. Possibly there will be some camping! Realistically, it will end up being me and Bill in his yard having a fire, cooking out, watching the race, drinking beers, and chilling out. It's all a matter of location...home or abroad. I'll be happy with either. I'll be slap happy not to be at work!!! Weeeeeeee! So he's planned a pretty kickin' few days for us. Not sure if he's still kissing ass or just enjoying my rockin' company. It's good stuff though. Good stuff.

Enjoy your Labor Day, y'all!