***

I really need something good to happen for X-Mas. And I'm going to be selfish and say I really need something good to happen for me this year. Usually, and a lot recently, I've been so worried about why so much junk has to happen to people I love and care deeply about. But right now, I need to think about me and my family, and damn...we need to catch a break. Something good HAS to happen for us. I'd pray for it but I'm still not talking to the man upstairs. If everything happens for a reason, I'd sure as Hell like to know why some of the things that have happened to my family went down.

I just need something. Anything.

I need one full day where I don't think about the morning after Spencer was born and everything fell to effing shambles.  Like I've previously said, and it breaks my heart to even think it, I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare. But I'd want Spencer to be there. And I'd want him to be alright. And that's not going to happen. If by some wacko miracle, I got a chance for things NOT to be the way they are, that would mean there would be no Spencer. That thought is too much to take. So things are the way the way and I have to suck it up, accept it, and deal with it.

But I think I'm owed. And I want to collect. Now.