Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I remember when blogging was my absolute favorite thing to do, then life got in the way and life got a little messy. So I'm here once again to let you know that I'm still alive and I still have every intention of continuing to blog about my little, insane, messy life.

Right now, life consists of being a mom to my best pal, Spencer. Man, that kid blows my mind. My heart is NO DOUBT on the outside of my body at all times, exposed to the elements. You think you're tuff? Become a parent. Then you realize that you are naked ad raw, no armor strong enough to protect you from constant worry, panic, hurt. THEN heap on top of parenthood the fact that your kid is sick or challenged or both. You become one walking open wound.

But the awesomeness outweighs any of the ick, I'll tell you what. I absolutely love being a mom. If I didn't get such a late start on parenting (and if Spencer didn't need just a little extra love...which I am MORE THAN HAPPY to give), I would've had a million kids. Sorry, vagina. It's true.

So that's where I'm at...still. Life revolves around being Spencer's mom and I wouldn't have it any other way. He stole my heart. I'd love to give him a brother or sister but I just can figure out how it would be possible for me to split my love between Spencer and someone else. He owns me. He can cure absolutely anything that ailes me. And that's why it hurts so bad to see him go through some of the things he goes through. He can turn my world upside down but I can't take away his pain. It's so unfair. But I try. Because NO ONE is going to tell me I was a bad mother. NO ONE is going to tell me I didn't give him 110% of myself.

It makes you wonder how shitty parents can be so shitty. How can you hurt your kids? How can you neglectthem? How can you abandon them? I won't lie. When Spencer was born, it flashed through my mind that maybe he needed more than I could give. Maybe there was someone that would be a far better mother to him than I could be. He was a hurt bird. Thinking about if there were parents that could take better care of a hurt bird was because I loved him so much. I wasnted what was best for him. It just took a minute to realize that I AM WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM.

And he's what's best for me.

So...I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive. And I'll be back.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

love you lady