Got a card in my spokes & practicin' my jokes.

Song Of The Day: "Test Tube Teens" by Teen Idols

Um, the song of the day...it's a new thang I'm gonna try out...has nothing to do with the song lyrics I use in the title. It's just a song I feel everyone should be listening to. Call it Project Brainwash, if you will.

I'm 30 years old and I had ice-cream for dinner last night. This is either awesome or horrifying, depending on how you slice it. Awesome because...I had ICE-CREAM for DINNER. Not a lot. A few baby scoops. Horrifying because I am trying to lose 10 pounds before I get hitched (in addition to anything I've lost since last month). Losing 10 pounds and eating ice-cream...with sprinkles!...for dinner do not go hand-in-hand. If only Todd would fix my tires so I could ride my bike.

And start my bike gang!!!

I've been talking about starting a bike gang for like 2 years. A bicycle gang! So far, I have 3 members...Carol High Hair, Toosie Pop, and Weasel. My bike gang is called "The Pedal Pushers" and our slogan is TOO TUFF FOR GEARS! The only thing you need to be in the bike gang is a bike...with NO gears. Rather, a bike where you can't adjust the gears! I guess if you have a super rad bike...mountain bikes can fuck off...with the ability to change gears but you REFUSE to change them...and you put electrical tape all over the gear shift and yell "Fuck you, GEARS!"...I guess you can ride with us. Even though we haven't gone on a first ride yet. But we will. And it'll be raaaaaaaad. BMX can eat dirt. Rad bikes and bike gangs are where it's at. This isn't MTV's "Made". My bicycle has a basket just the right size for a 12-pack. Now THAT is livin'.

My bicycle is an Electra Betty and it looks like this (pictured without the awesome streamers...clearly whoevers bike this isn't cool enough for streamers):

If you have an awesome bike, hate gears, and want to drink and ride bikes a la bike gang style...you know where to reach me. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have t-shirts made and I'm fairly certain I will ride at least once in full make-up and high heels while smoking. And I'd pretty much put money down that old people will call us hooligans and we will shake our fists at them and demand homemade PIE! Actually, that last part is a lie. Yep. Life can't get much more awesome if you ask me.

Now that I'm don't ranting about Betty and my gang...

I have Depeche Mode stuck in my head. Bizarro.

Also, I'm trying to bring the phrase "Spazzma Attack" into regular rotation. Like this morning, I was all going bananas about something and I said, "I'm totally having a Spazzma Attack!". I just need to say it a few more times and it will catch on. Just like "bananas" did. And "clearly". And "have you met me before?". Those were all winners in my brainwashing plan.

P.S. Stephanie, thanks for becoming a "follower". You're looking too hot your own good (not that you weren't full on hot before). But smokin' hot lawyers who like monsters movies? That's like a young boy's fantasy. Right up there with a slutty librarian who is into Kung-Fu! Anyway...you look rad and if I wasn't such a pussy, I'd totally want to run with you. But I don't run. Mainly because I don't move my arms when I run so I look ridiculous. That's why I don't have a running gang. No need to move your arms on a bike.

GOOD NIGHT NURSE!

***TEMPORARY***

I am going to update the "CANNIBALICIOUS!" blog some time this week, if any one out there gives a flying f-f-f-f-f-fuck about my gorey, goofy grade-schooly artwork and impending art show. I promise. And after this initial update, I will keep to a regular updating schedule. And you can take that to the bank!

"CANNIBALICIOUS!", August 7th - 31st @ Low Life Gallery.

We met in the springtime at a rock-n-roll show.

I am in one of the classic, smile-enducing, be-boppin' good moods. After an A+, gold star kind of weekend, I woke up on the right side of the bed feeling refreshed and with zero jaw pain! Plus the tongue I've been apparently gnawing on in my sleep is finally starting to repair. No more mashed 'taters for this gal! I want to CHEW! And you can chew on this...

The Weekend Run Down (subtitle: Why I'm In Such a Fucking Good Mood For Change...and It's About Damn Time, Y'All), as written by Yours Truly.

Thursday I was semi-moody for reasons that don't even matter. So after work, I went and had a drink with the one and only Miss Firecracker at Lava. I'm still on the fence about that place but I am NOT on the fence about Carol. We shot the breeze for a bit and then I high-tailed it to see The Mays. Checked out metallic inks for the weddin' invites AND her idea for the reception cards. Rad. Plain-n-Simple. I might love the reception cards more than I love the invites. And I love those A LOT. Anyway...I drove home stoked. Watched some tube. Crashed out.

Got up early because I was too excited about the sounds and smells of getting tattoooooed. I finally got my ditch done. Saying "ditch" just sounds filthy dirty. And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be! I'd been putting it off for quite awhile because...well...I guess I got soft for a minute. Now it's done and I am in lurve with it. Filled in a few other forearm slots and THEN...my crowning gem...had Krista put an Easter bow on my now PINK Danzig skull. So silly. So girlie. And things went so well that Todd made a Saturday appointment with her. New tattoos for EVERYONE! Hooray! Went to Applebee's with the Graveyard Groom, watched the Cavs game and hit the deck. Not too shabby.

Woke up bright and early to meet the caterer at the reception spot...and hit some snags. Joint wasn't open, caterer showed late and we were already making tracks. Went BACK to see Krista so Todd could get tattooed. It's contagious. It was a looooooong day for me, though, just sittin' there and watching. Until I discovered that Maxim is NOT a terrible magazine. Then time flew! But I was a sleepy camper. So was Todd. We stopped in the grocery store, made some dinner, and went to Quiet Bob's to see Miss Firecracker One-Woman Band. After many beers and a Mango Tango, 2 giggling and goofy fools went home...and...well...and then passed out!

Usually I'm not a fan of Sundays but this one was aces in my book. We lounged around, went back to the grocery store, watched the Cavs game, ate the best cheese fries I've EVER made, drank beer, and just spent time together...talked about the wedding and honeymoon and upcoming things we want to do and America's Next Top Modle and...whatever. I think that's the theme of the whole weekend. It was rad because we just spent time together doing whatever we wanted and whatever needed to get done. We didn't bicker or have attitudes and we didn't get bored. We just enjoyed the weekend for what it was and went with the flow. And it was one of the best weekends we've had in awhile. Todd admitted it felt a little off since it was the first weekend where we didn't have Aiden. But we'll get used to alternating. I like kickin' it with the kid but I really enjoed actually having a weekend to just do whatever. I think the new set-up will be good for everyone.

So now here I am, in this great mood, with this great weather. Sure, it would be nicer to be at the zoo or something...maybe cruising on my bike...instead of being stuck inside but someone's gotta make the money, right? The bills aren't going to pay themselves. I hope my good mood can be contagious...I know a few people out there who need their spirits lifted. They need their hopes high-fived. I also hope my good mood can get me painting. So many good ideas and SO MUCH WORK TO DO before August 7th...but I just can't get myself to sit at my station and get to it. Maybe today...seems like a good day to just put the hammer down and get serious.

Enjoy your day, y'all!

I want to be wrooooooooong.

Yep. 2 for the price of 1. I'm bored.

If you need a good song to listen to...I don't know why I keep dispensing musical advice but it's the fist thing I want to do when I see the blank page...listen to "Combat Baby" by The Metric. I think some of the words ("caffeine free, faux-punk fatigues") are really, super lame. But then SOME of them ("I want to be wrong...but...no one here wants to fight me like you do") are just flat out awesome. I like anything that's flat out awesome. I rewind the song so I can listen to that part more than once.

I also do that with "I Don't Like You" by The Muffs. It's hard to get people to like this one because it's fast and screamy and you can't understand what Kim says. But it's an amazing song and if I were in a garage band, I would cover it. It has my FAVORITE part of any song on the planet. Now THIS...THIS I replay over and over and over. The way she sings it...the way it comes out of her mouth...and if you know me, you know I'm not a huge fan of chick singers...it's amazing. Last verse. Listen to it. NOW!

"Mr. 3-Martini-Lunch, about to make a deal. He's got his briefcase, suitcase all packed for Rome. He's gotta wife in limbo, kids in Chicago, and no time left for home".

Love it. Fucking love it.

I was kind of in a riled up and surly mood when I started writing this but thinking about those 2 songs has made me happier. Or maybe it just distracted me. I really hate Facebook, but I've been using their "Pick Your 5 blah blah blah" things as distractions. It really makes you think. Who ARE the 5 people I would most like to punch in the face? What ARE my top 5 favorite movies? And my top 5 beers of choice?? Ok...I guess I really didn't have to think about that one. Regardless...they keep my brain hummin' and not actually processing anything remotely annoying or mood-killing. End rant transmission.

Tomorrow...me, Krista, and a test of my tolerance. How long CAN I sit and have my skin drilled. It's been a long time. Not that my tolerance goes down or anything. I'm just really excited. I'm so pale that every color really pops on this skin. Speaking of this skin...my chest is bruised from my 4th removal session. Let me offer up this tid-bit since I'm going to a fancy-pants dermetologist in Beachwood and paying to be tortured. If your removal causes a blister, it's bad news. Just keep that in mind. I didn't know that did bit when I went years ago to start the process and now I have major scarring and pigment lost. You think my skin can't get whiter? IT CAN! Who knew??

And just because I'm getting rid of the Nephilim doesn't mean I don't like AFI. "Paper Airplanes (Makeshift Wings)" is still one of my go to songs to get pumped up. I'm getting rid of it because...well...just because you're a tattoo artist doesn't mean you're any good.

Remember when we were all going to get hot dog tattoos??

I miss you, Lisa.

Soon that silly kitty is a-scratchin' at my door.

These blogs right here have been copied directly from the My Space page of The (Unsinkable) Pussyfoot Girls. We just celebrated our 4 Year Anniversary this month. After a several months long hiatus, we're gearing up to get back in action this May. New shows, new girls, new emcee. Lots of NEWS, if you will. So take a gander below and fill up on Update From The Scratching Post. You never know, something could catch yer eye!

BLOG #1: UPCOMING SHOW!

Patti Cake and Tootsie Pop of Cleveland's own PUSSYFOOT GIRLS with be hosting The Monsters of Burlesque show when their Ohio tour rolls in to Cleveland!

Marking their first appearance after a short paw-rest, The Pussyfoot Girls will be introducing the fine folks of Monsters of Burlesque and leading audience participation games and antics in between their sets.

So come on out and have yourself a ball with your Unsinkable Pussyfoot Girls...Patti Cake & Toosie Pop (don't worry...beautiful Bobbi Socks will be back for the Motor Psychos Car Show at the end of May)...and The Monsters of Burlesque!!!!

NEXT SATURDAY MAY 2nd @ THE SACHSENHEIM HALL
$8 SHOW STARTS AT 9:00

All-star burlesque direct from New York City!Clams Casino and Neil O'Fortune present: Monsters of Burlesque Tour 2009! We're bringing some of New York's biggest, most award-winning burlesque stars to fabulous venues throughout the Buckeye state! Hilarious, raucous and sexy, a New York-style burlesque show is like nothing you've seen before, combining classic bump 'n' grind with rock power, pop culture comedy and a whole lot of glitter and glam--a night out that you do NOT want to miss! At every stop on this titanic tour, the stars of the show will be sharing the stage with local DJs and bands, making up-close-and-personal appearances, and blowing the roof off of some of Ohio's favorite stages! Clams and Neil are bringing along Creamy Stevens, Jonny Porkpie and Nasty Canasta: combined, these burlesque stars will blow your mind! Don't miss out when they come to your town for ONE night only!

Monsters of Burlesque 2009 Ohio Tour Dates:

Wednesday, April 29th: Dayton! Gilly's, 132 S. Jefferson Street, show at 8:00, just 10 bucks!

Thursday, April 30th: Columbus! Circus, 1227 North High Street, show at 10:00, just 8 bucks! With a special appearance by the Royal Renegades!

Friday, May 1st: Oberlin College! The 'Sco, basement of Wilder Student Union, 135 West Lorain Street, show at 10:30, just 8 bucks!

Saturday, May 2nd: Cleveland! Sachsenheim Hall, 7001 Denison Avenue, show at 9:00, just 8 bucks! With a special appearance by the Pussyfoot Girls!

BLOG #2: NEW GIRLS!

Hey kittens!

It's that time again! The 3 Unsinkable Pussyfoot Girls are on the hunt for some hip-shakin', joke makin', ball bustin' ladies to fill out our outfit in all the right spots! Over the past 2 years, we've said good-bye to Ginger Ale (now a MOM), Suzie Six-Pack (soon to be a MOM), and Queen La Tata (the MOTHER of all one-woman bands)! It's time to bring some new blood to The Pussyfoot Girls. And that new blood might be YOURS! Don't be scared.

A little information for any interested chicks out there: The PFG formed in early 2005 and are a group of go-go dancing gals who put on a PG-13 show (no nudity here but the dance wear is bare). We're a little sexy, a little saucy, a little comical, a little goofy. This isn't your high school talent show but we're by no means professional dancers. We're out there to entertain and get some laughs!!! So any interested parties must be comfy with being scantilly clad and pretty silly!

We practice on the west side of Cleveland every week (we usually take off the week after a big show to rest our paws). There is a possibility for carpooling if you're coming from the south. We're try to schedule at least 1 show a month (our summer is JAM-PACKED so this could mean more) and they are usually on Fridays and Saturdays. Interested girls should be able to arrange their schedules for shows...and we've had some good ones!

Most importantly...we're not looking for girls to just learn what we teach them. We're looking for girls who add something to the group! Make a good thing better, if you will. We all take part is picking songs, choreographing dances, booking and promoting shows, buying and selling merch, handling money and so on. So you think this might be the group for you??? Fun and flirty and so much more???

You can get more information about us, our past shows, past venues, and more on our My Space page! May need a little updating...we've been on a short break!Anyone that is interested in becoming a Pussyfoot Girl must copy the following questionaire into a message (My Space of pussyfootgirls@yahoo.com), fill it out, and send it to us!

We're not being snobs or thinking highly of ourselves. We're just a very tight knit group and are looking for girls we have things in common with who fill fit right in! Just like Bobbi Socks!!! She became a Pussyfoot Girl after our last search! After we review your answers, we will contact you to come to a practice. We will teach you one of our typical routines and see if you feel comfortable with our style and we'll take it from there! The questions may seem silly but they'll help us get a good look into your personality. Just have fun with it!

1. How old are you?

2. Did you dress up for Halloween? If so, what/who were you?

3. Will you be available for practices, shows, travel?

4. Are you comfortable with drinking as most of our shows are at bars, clubs and parties and all of us enjoy a good beverage?

5. Do you have any special talents (rope twirling, juggling, knife throwing, ballet, whatever!)?

6. What type of music do you listen to most and what are a few of your favorite songs?

7. Are you comfortable being scantilly clad (but not totally NUDE)?

8. Have you ever performed in public (in a band, drama club, performance art, etc.)?

9. Have you ever seen us before (and if so, how much do we rule? Ha ha ha...)?

10. Boobies. Please respond.

BLOG #3: NEW EMCEE!

Since the departure of our mouthpiece, Queen La Tata, The Pussyfoot Girls have lost their voice! And it's about time to start talkin'!!! We've got shows to do. And we need a little somethin' extra! Which leads us to...

The Pussyfoot Girls SEARCH FOR AN EMCEE!

We're looking to add an extra someone to The Pussyfoot Girls to act as our official emcee! Someone with personality to get the crowd riled-up and ready! Someone to introduce us gals at the beginning of each show...or each set if there is more than one. Someone to prep that audience from who is up next or who else is performing at the show or whatever antics may follow! Someone to lead audience participation games-n- contests and to give away prizes or run raffles! Someone with a Pussyfoot personality who isn't afraid to interact, chat, and keep the entertainment flowin'!!!!

Are you this person???

We're looking for a guy or gal of any age to become our Pussyfoot emcee. This person will need to be at all of our shows as you basically ARE a Pussyfoot Girl (or a Cock-a-Doodle Dude, if you catch my drift) but not necessarily at our practices. And while we encourage all the goofy, silly, snarky, smutty behavior we can get on STAGE...we need someone who will be "professional". We don't need an emcee who will get too drunk to do their job or forget our names or fall flat on their faces. Though we've all been there...ha ha!

So if you're interested in being the voice of the PFG...please contact us and let us know why you think you're right for the job. And I use the term "job" loosely! You'll get in free to all of our shows and get any perks we get. If we get paid, YOU get paid. But if we don't...well...you were part of a fun show and had a great time. Which should be reward enough...at least we think so!

So create a persona/character...be someone else for a night! Be part of the PFG!

Looking forward to hearing from ya!

LOVE,
PATTI CAKE
PUSSYFOOT GIRL SINCE 2005

Get to the top and I'm too tired to rock.

That's a lie. I'm never too tired to ROCK! Come on.

Although at this minute, I am exhausted. I didn't get such a good night's sleep with all this teeh grinding/jaw tension business. I'm so full of potential remedies right now that my liver will no doubt escape and slap me in the face with itself. I guess any of my organs could get the point across. Liver is just my go to. Point...my mouth and jaw still hurt...and I still don't want to hear any crude jokes about it. If I did, I could get them at home from that pervert I live with.

News (but not Huey Lewis and the...)

1. I'm getting tattooed on Friday. It's been almost a year since I got the heart in a coffin. I can't wait. Basically I was told that for one amazing price, I could get tattooed for as long as I can sit. With an ass like this...she's gonna wanna take that back! Pictures to follow.

2. The Pussyfoot Girls are on the hunt for a permanent emcee and some new ladies. We'll most likely be looking for 2 new gals. I just need to get around to reposting the application. And then I need to get potential emcees lured in. AND I need to start promoting both The Monsters of Burlesque show (Tootsie Pop and I will be hosting and doing some audience participation jazz in between this New York burlesque troupes acts) and the Motor Psychos car show that we will be performing at. Not to mention we need new routines, to practice, to plan costumes...yikes.

3. Tomorrow is 150 days until the wedding. I'm sure I'm the only person who cares about this. Oh...I bet Todd does, too. And Phoebe.

4. We're talking about getting another dog. A puppy. We think Shelby needs a buddy...mostly so she'll leave us alone for more than 10 seconds at a time. She'll be 1 next month. I need to get her a doggie cake. As I've said before, I am ALL about birthdays. Why shouldn't my daughter dog have a birthday? It's on the same day as the Spanky Cup Euchre Tournament...which reminds me...I need to learn how to play! I have too much going on.

5. It's going to be a beautiful weekend! I am going to open ALL of the windows and enjoy it. I have my tattoo appointment and a dinner date Friday. Saturday we're going to the reception spot to do some planning during the day and hitting Quiet Bob's at night to see Miss Firecracker One Woman Band. Sunday...paint, paint, paint! I have 12 half finished paintings and buy this weekend, they are going to be FINISHED! PERIOD! I've got new ideas I need to get out of my brain and on to the canvas.

And THAT is THAT! VIVA!

I remain in shadows growing wings.

With the exception of purchasing wedding bling (!!!) this weekend, it was a rather uneventful few days. Low key. Nothing fancy. Ran some errands. Ate some food. Did laundry. Regular, typical, boring life stuff. And now it's Monday and I'm in a regular, typical, boring Monday mood. I feel like Garfield. All sarcastic and sleepy.

I think I've been grinding my teeth at night due to stress. My jaw is stiff and my mouth is sore (no need for perverted jokes, people). It's giving me a rather rocking headache. Todd apologized and said it's his fault for not "easing" me at home. But it's not him at all. By now, I know how to deal with him and him quirks. I've never had super great stress management skills so I'm not at all surprised that my wreck of a body is starting to pay the price. I need to do yoga. Or punch someone. One of those should do it.

I can officially say the wedding is less that 4 months away.

I went to Sugar and Pete's house to film a few more skits/segments for the Jesus County Fair video that Dennis has been working on for...months. Up until then, I was only in one skit at a pregnant, trailer park bride. I was psyched to get the chance to participate again. This time I was Miss Tickles, the drunken co-host of "Great Moments In Hillbilly History", and a murdered, hick tourist. Now that I think of it...I was a white trash, unwed, teenage mother in the first video Dennis put out! I guess on my resume I can describe myself as a "hillbilly, white trash, trailer park character actress". Why not?

Anyway, we didn't finish the filming so I get to go pack for more...more cheap champage, bright blue eyeshadow, crazy costumes, bizarre dialouge, belching on command and Grimm...in his underwear on top of a grand piano. When I re-read this in 30 years...man...what memories I'll have! I can't wait until "Jesus County Fair" is out on DVD...or cable access...or wherever it's going. Maybe I'll have a screening party or something. Everyone involved...hilarious people. Drop dead hilarious.

Anything else? Probably not. I can't stress enough how ready I am for honeymoonin'. Umbrella drinks, bikinis, chowin' down, chilling out, swimming with sharks...everything. Todd and I decided yesterday that maybe we'll chill out in Ft. Lauderdale for a day or 2 once we get off the boat instead of just high-tailin' it home. Tessa had good things to say about her time in the Everglades...that really appealed to Todd. If I get to swim with sharks in Jamaica, he should get to see crocs in the Everglades. I better start doing some research!

I just got a message from the beautiful Jen May saying that we will have invitations to look at early this week. ROCK! That elevated my stupid Monday moon ever-so-slightly. I'll take whatever upward motion I can get!

I guess now I see how it's gonna be.

I should be in a totally spectacular and awesome, unstoppably rockin' mood for the following reasons:

1. I had Japanese for dinner. Yum.
2. I have Japanese leftovers (& chopsticks) for lunch.
3. A cute boy was snuggled on me this morning.
4. The bills are paid.
5. The honeymoon is booked.
6. Wedding plans are trucking along.
7. Someone is in love with me.
8. I'm losing weight.
9. My skin really looks and feels great.
10. I have Presidente in my fridge.
11. My weekend starts at 5:30pm today.
12. Allison was not kicked off America's Next Top Model.
13. There is a night race on Saturday.
14. My friends are awesome.
15. Pussyfoot Girls starts shows again next month.
16. I should make progress on paintings this weekend.
17. The race is 8 weeks away.
18. We're (maybe) getting a puppy.
19. Todd got me a subscription to US magazine.
20. We're getting wedding bands tomorrow.
21. A year-long weirdness has recently been resolved.

BUT I'M NOT IN A GOOD MOOD!

Those are all the reasons I SHOULD be super psyched and pumped. But I must've woken up on the wrong side of the bed because I am the crabbiest of crabs today. Grrrrr. I went to bed too full. My tummy was too jam-packed with Japanese goodness. So maybe that was part of why I didn't sleep well. And because I was so full...I didn't snuggle. So that didn't help my 'tude today. I'm a snuggle-bug. And someone out there who thinks they can just be a raging, psychotic, bleach blonde BIOTCH (aliteration RULES) attempting (and failing) to wreck lives and be a thug one second and then try to get buddy-buddy and act like she hasn't been a NUTBAG recently...that really ran on...annoyed me right before bedtime. PINCH! PINCH! go my crabby claws.

I'll get over it. There's no reason for me to be in a bad moon. No good reason anyway. I have 21 reasons why I should be slap happy and jumping up-n-down. I better get to it. I really don't want to waste any more time being easily annoyed and riled up today. A nap would probably do the trick. Or some caffeine. Or some Todd time. Or Phoebe time.

How are ya? How have you been?

If you need a morning pump-up...try "Cosmic Thing" by The B-52s. Seriously.

So the issue that was making me all bananas and WTF-ish has been resolved. I feel more at ease. I'm glad that I took time to think things through and plan what I wanted to say to who I said it to and didn't jump the gun, armed with emotions. It didn't hurt that I did all of this thinking over a Dave-n-Buster's Mango Berry...best drink EVER. Todd took me there to turn my frown upside-down. So...I said what I needed to say and...problem solved. I'm a happy bride again. I'm not sure if I even mentioned that my hostility was wedding-related (but not GROOM related). Anyway...all is good.

I'm pretty sure my body is trying to show me who is boss. I am COVERED in unexplained bruises (and some explained ones...from both spanking and clumsiness) and cuts, I dropped 6 gallons of bleach on my finger and mangled it, I got a clotty (gross) bloody nose that looked a lot like Julia from Hellraiser 2, and now I have heartburn! Maybe my body is mad at me for trying to take better care of it. I'm still losing weight, I'm eating better and thinking about my eating (I'm thinking about how I'm having Japanese for dinner RIGHT NOW), I've really been rocking the skin care regimen ( I was told this morning how soft my skin feels)...yep. My body is retaliating! It wants to take me down! Stupid body.

Who has 3 cases of Presidente? THIS GUY!

Be jealous. It's good for you.

I need to go do some weddin' bloggin' now. Ciao!

I know I won't be leaving here with you.

I'm so utterly miffed about something I heard yesterday but I can't talk about it since I haven't decided if I will confront said big mouth (it's not you, you know who...we're cool). Sure, I'm a sensitive son-of-a-gun at times...but this situation...it just royally sucks. I really would love to spill the whole story and get some feed back but I just can't yet. I'll just say that...people still have the ability to shock the Hell out of me in a really horrific way. Recently, some people have shocked me in a NOT-so-horrific way...which is pretty cool...and rare.

I just can't believe some people can be so cruel and so selfish. I'm sure I'm guilty of being both of those things at times. But in THIS situation...it's just unacceptable. ESPECIALLY when it deals with family. It ruined my holiday, not that I'm big on Easter or anything. But that's not the point. It shouldn't have gone down the way it did. Actually...I guess nothing has even gone down yet. But it will. And I think the results won't be pretty. Man...I'm irritated. And I didn't sleep very well. And I really need to have Todd's back today so I shouldn't be worrying about this nonsense.

People are dummies.

You're so sweet. You're so pretty.

I listened to "You're So Lewd" on the way to work today. I forgot how much I love that song. And The Reatards in general. That song totally reminds me of mine and Johnny's days running amuck at The Mantis, even though they never played there. It makes me want to FSSU! So does " I Know You're Ready" by Le Shok. And speaking of Jay Reatard...

Todd told me the other day that he's been all over the interwebs trying to find my favorite Lost Sounds shirt. You know, the jersey with the rat on it that you've all seen me wear one million times? All my happiest days have been in that shirt. It's like when I wear it, I'm unstoppable. Nothing bad ever happens in that shirt. I'd like to be buried in it. Todd's been looking for a back-up for the day the shirt bites the dust. It already has a small hole in the armpit and a faint stain on the front. I'll be devastated when it becomes unwearable (it probably did when the stain set in) so I thought it was pretty awesome that he was trying to save me from that (trivial) pain.

Let me state once again (I sent an e-mail, who knows if you'll read it)...to you...that the previous post was NOT about you. And on that note...to ALL of you...let me rant for one more second about my disgust for certain people who shall remain nameless (but are not YOU, you know who). I want to vomit in my lap! When you think idiots can't get more idiotic, THEY DO! To an outstanding degree! And they take really good people (not me...not that I'm not awesome) down with them. For that alone...shame. It's just so frustrating. Bad things happen to good people and bad people get away with EVERYTHING. I know. I used to be a bad person. I can't stress about it anymore. It's not my battle to fight. But when it hurts people I care about...whatever. Hopefully it will all be sorted out soon and I can toast success with a Presidente.

Speaking of...

How hard is it to find Presidente anywhere near Ohio??? REALLY TERRIBLY DIFFICULT. I am not driving to NYC to get any, that's for sure. Why hasn't this country embraced such a delicious treat? If you haven't had the priviledge of slugging a 33 degree Presidente...you don't know what you're missing. But I know what I am missing...because it can't be found anywhere!! Grrrrrrr. The hunt continues.

Enjoy your holiday weekend, y'all. Back Monday.

Tell me I'm special even when I know I'm not.

People make me laugh. A lot. And they make me feel sad for the future of humanity. I'm not going to get into it because it will probably make me, and maybe you, throw up in my lap. Phoebe said, "Wow...that is fucking disgusting". I couldn't agree more. But I'm staying out of it. I'd rather just worry about me and my family and not what idiots certain people are and how they MUST turn their brains off when they do certain things and CLEARLY have no regard for the personal safety and well-being of youth. I guess not everyone can be awesome.

Phoebe still loves my stupid ass. She's more awesome than you.

Last night was great. I went to bed feeling great, I slept great, I woke up feeling great, my skin looks great, my hair looks great, and from what I hear, my ass and legs look great in my new jeans! Feeling great is far superior to feeling gross. Common sense. I started a new "beauty regimen"...sounds so posh...in order to prep for the wedding and I SWEAR that after 2 days, my skin and hair and nails look improved. Even if it's just mind over matter...I feel great. GREAT is the word of the day (even if it's a boring one)! Sure I spent a little more money on lotions and potions than I normally would, but if I wake up feeling this mind-blowingly good...it must be worth it, right? And I lost 6 pounds! I can see and feel the difference. I'm carrying myself differently today. I can take on the mothertrucking world.

A lot of it has to do with Todd.

We're in such a good place right now after temporarily being in a nasty, rotten place. It was brief but it was ick. After several "constructive criticism" talks and e-mails from Phoebe, I had to accept that we had some communication issues. And now...we're aces! We have a solid foundation now...super solid...and I feel so confident. Knowing that I'm part of something I really believe in with someone who really believe in me...boss. We just had to learn when to shut our mouths and when to open them. And we had to learn how to apologize and take fault and how to accept apologies and learn from mistakes. Anything I might have been worried about...I'm not anymore. We are TOTALLY high-fiving our asses off at the wedding, I'll tell you what.

The song Rocko wrote for the ceremony is called "So True". Got that right.

Enough moosh. What else is there to say? Not much. Phoebe's not making a voo-doo doll of me...check. Todd and I are totally bananas in love, as it should be. Check. The bills are almost totally under control. Check. Koffin Kats are coming this weekend and we will be there rocking out. Check. I'm losing weight and eating better. Check. I have a more positive outlook and tend to be more appreciative of my family, friends, and the good things I've got going. Check. I'm going to see Carol's adorable face tonight. Check. And not that this is something you want to hear about but the X-Rated part of my life...CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!

As I always end up saying: life...is...GREAT!

Switched it up on ya. You gotta be quick with me!

Build a fortress around my heart.

Let me start off by saying that "Oh My God" by Ida Maria makes me want to seriously fuck some shit up. It's an amazing song for being so repetetive. It makes my heart beat insanely fast and it makes me feel really alive. If you haven't heard it, listen to it. And if you hate it, jump off a bridge. OK...I could probably do without the dude singing along but it wouldn't be as full. Just go...rock out.

And let me continue by saying...

That I suck. And Todd sucks, too. We deserve each other because we suck so badly! Because of something that I don't even feel like getting into, we didn't make it to Phoebe's art show on Friday. I'm gringing just typing that. And the entire time that the thing I don't want to discuss was going down, we both had the fact that we were missing the show in the back of our minds. We feel rotten and 2 inches tall. I waited two days to even contact her to apologize because there was nothing I could possibly say to make it up to her or make it better. I should have been there, no matter what else was going on at home. And she's being incredibly understanding which makes it even worse. I want her to tell us to fuck off (not REALLY...she's my M-O-H) or that we're horrible, selfish friends. But she's not...damn it. I just want to say it again, and have it documented for posterity...

Phoebe, we are so sorry and we know how rotten it is that we weren't there and of all people, YOU are the person we shouldn't let down and we did. So even if you won't punish us...we're punishing ourselves on your behalf. If it takes flowers or cookie bouquets or fondue or punching Todd in the face (I'm selfish AND vain)...we'll make it up to you. Somehow. Love, Lacey and Todd.

Aside from totally bailing on Phoebe, this weekend put a lot of things into perspective. I could go on and on about what went down and how it was resolved and what was said and what will be done and how we came out of it so strong-n-solid. But honestly, I'm exhausted from the whole thing. I don't have the drive to relive it all right now. I barely have the focus to type this blathering mess. I will leave you with these gems.

I love you, Phoebe. And I'm sorry. We're sorry.

I love you, Todd. 166 days to go. And then we "consider" it.

I love you, smaller ass. You're adorable in my new jeans.

Out.

With man made feelings and scars still healing.

It's been a long time since I've blogged twice in one day.

Because I got busy living.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that the sours grapes are done feeding my raaaaaaaaaage! SOUR GRAPES! Oh, Milo. Regardless, as the day has gone by and words-n-feelings and whatnot have been thrown around (better than fists, I'd say, but painful all the same), it seems like all the fallout has settled and everyone has come out relatively unharmed. But don't mistake my calm state of being of turning pussy on ya. I still wouldn't mess with me.

NO MORE. DONE. GONE.

I just wanted those words saved for posterity.

In lighter, fluffier news...I have a weekend of "serious together time" ahead. That's a start, I'll tell you what. We don't want to be bothered until Monday morning. And that's an order! So enjoy your weekends doing whatever you're doing.

Their social misguidance was twisted sickly.

170 days to the wedding. Word.

I'm not trying to be tuff stuff here, but I am the last person people should fuck with. That's just an honest statement. I've known myself for 30 years so I know what I'm like when I have a thorn in my paw. I hold a mean grudge and I can get nasty. I don't just talk the talk. That's one of my biggest pet peeves...people who talk big and then can't follow through. I follow through, believe me. So I besiege people to just stay out of my way. My path is not a good place to be once I get fired-up.

Now that I'm done feeding my rage...

Yesterday sucked, which I was not at all expecting. I woke up slap-happy and ready to rally but that was quickly dashed. I hate people. I really do. People are such phonies. Not the Ol' Kentucky Sharks, of course. But even some people you hold in such high regard can suck sometimes. I, personally, am all awesome all of the time. No more second guessing myself...not that that happens frequently. I'm at a place in my life where I just don't need excess bullshit kiddie stuff. I hate liars. I hate bullshitters. And I hate people who try to decide what would be best for me. That's my job. I'm my own boss.

I am sour today. And my eyelids are swollen. And I sliced my lip open which is annoying but I kind of look like Scar from The Lion King. I'm basically counting down the hours until my work day is done and it's the weekend. Honestly, I'm counting down the hours until I stop stewing. And not just about one thing...about many things. I had such high hopes for this week and this weekend and then I got an open-palmed slap to the face. Well...I slap back. That's a promise AND a threat. I'm starting to really be amused by how surly I sound. Life just handed me some lemons and I'm about to make lemon-flavored Vodka out of them.

Other than that...everything is aces over here! April is showcasing a few fun events that can prep me for the big May Rock-n-Roll-A-Rama! So much going on in May, my liver and wallet may commit suicide. I can't wait for May. I can't wait to "cruise around" and rock out and be ME and be happy. There's no reason I can't be happy in April, and I will be. But May...man. I used to go to shows weekly and multiple shows on weekends. Even to see bands I've never heard of or bands I despised. That was the most fun time of my life. Going out of town to see bands. Buying t-shirts. Being obnoxious and shaking my fist. I'm gonna shake the fuck out of my fist in May.

May is going to be my reward for sticking it out.