Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Remember me next time I go away.

Let me preface this blather by saying that I am currently NOT depressed. I'm stressed. I don't get depressed...I'm not programmed for depression. Little cases of "the blues", that's my bag. Moving forward. Yesterday evolved from a flurry to a full-blown storm. Yes, boys-n-ghouls, my not-so-swell mood snowballed into a state of just absolute upset and frustration. I came to the point where I officially HATED yesterday and wanted to pound the living daylights out of it. Pounding the living daylights out of someone or something OR crying until my eyeballs roll straight out of my face may be the only things that get me out of my current surly state. But I can't do either. Pounding on someone like a chicken cutlet isn't conducive to "being a good person". And I don't cry anymore. Crying is for bitches. And I've eliminated weekday drinking. So...maybe I'll knit. I'll knit my emotions away. Some of you will be wearing very frustrated or angry scarves come winter.

Let me make it crystal clear thatn none, not even an itty bitty fraction, of my current loathing for life has to do with my relationship. Right now, I'm seriously leaning on Todd for support. He's giving me an emotional piggy back ride so to speak. Basically, he's kicking ass at being a boyfriend. And not to pat myself on the ass, but I think I deserve it so I'm going to lean as long as I need to. I could probably blather about what's clogging my noggin, but it's typical shtuff that everyone wades through. Being a home owner and bill payer and living alone is HARD. Work is HARD. Trying to keep the peace between friends is HARD. Dealing with aspects of my hobbies (Jump In The Sac, Pussyfoot Girls, Shark Attack! Records) is HARD. I dealt with a big break up (good riddance), had to leave a job I liked and was great at, was in the hospital several times and once almost lost MY ARM, and of course there are personal things that I'd rather not discuss. It's all on my mind, all of the time. I can't sleep. I love to sleep.

It probably sounds like I'm pouting. I AM POUTING. I'm allowed to pout. It is my right as a human and as a chick. I do my best to make lemonade out of the lemons that are pegged at my head constantly. I try to be Miss Fix-It all of the time so that everyone is hap-hap-happy. It's getting exhausting. I keep talking about disappering as if that would be a way to just get some relief. I don't want to disappear though. I just want to be able to deal with one thing at a time but for some brain wants EVERYTHING swimming up there at once. STUPID BRAIN! This will all pass. Todd keeps telling me over and over that it'll get better, he here for/with me no matter what I do. I believe it. It's comforting. What's NOT comforting is being away from him, like right now, and having my brain get fishy again because I'm thinking too much. I just need a temporary coma while I work things out. And I need Todd in the coma so he can assure me it'll get better.

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