Stocking magazines, turning 5s into quarters.

Happy Birthday to my saucy minx of a "little sister", Jenny Penny! The big 22! I hope you get some rad ass gifts (though that fancy rock on your ring finger is certainly gift enough, am I right?) and get so drunk that you pass out and/or puke in and/or outside of a car. I know drunken car rides coupled with cookie tossing is your thing. It let's you know that you had a damn good time! But this isn't about your drunken regurg. It's about the fact that you're 22 and I love and miss you! So...HAPPY FLIPPIN' BIRTHDAY, baby!

There is a Battle Royale going on in my stomach. Ugh.

Working 4-10s has been difficult to adjust to, I'll tell you what. But man oh man, am I looking forward to my day off manana. I'm going to send the man-of-the-house off to work, pile back in bed, fall asleep watching cheesey chick flicks, get up whenever the eff I feel like it, shave my stems/wax/shower/groom, maybe go see a movie, maybe work on Karen and Rocko's paintings...pretty much be an effing bum and I've never been so psyched. My body and my mind are SPENT! My body has been tossing it's cookies and my mind is next. So I'm going to sloth it up. HARDCORE. I declare myself responsibility free tomorrow! YEEHAW! Though maybe I should go downtown and pay my water/sewer bill. Hmmmm.

Uh oh. My stomach may be rejecting the Zinger I just ate. FROWN!

It sometimes feels like you're still here.

Blog Tracker is neat. That's all I'm saying.

Yesterday was a really tough and sad day for my family. It was one of those days where you have to drop everything that's bothering you personally and focus on the what's really important...the bigger picture. I don't want to go into great detail because it's not my place. I just want to say that we all have heavy hearts right now. And I'd like to give a really solid high five to all of my friends who rallied yesterday when we received the news. I hope I can be there for you and offer you the support and kind words that you sent my way. They will be relayed to the rest of my family and I truly do appreciate having friends like you. Everyone should be so lucky as to know the Ol' Kentucky Sharks. So, if you're not a total ass-face, you'll continue to keep my family in the "good thoughts" section of your brains for awhile. That would be just swell.

When all of this garbage started happening, and it IS garbage...it's not me pulling a "woe is me" because I'm not one of the main players but it is AWFUL and unfortunate and you wouldn't want it to happen to a member of YOUR family...my mom started talking about being grateful for the good things in your life, which is sometimes really hard to do when everything that CAN do wrong, is going wrong. Carol and I discussed how right now, it seems like every good person we know if getting royally screwed in one way or another. It really isn't fair. There are so many total scumbags out there...let them get screwed for a change. Regardless, I'm trying to focus on the good things but I'll be honest, it's difficult. I ususally get riled up when people say "it could be wrose". Sure, problems may pale in comparison to other people's problems, but that doesn't mean they hurt any less to YOU. So I'm trying to dock my boatload of problems for now and focus on the things in my life that kick major ass.

For example...

I'm happy with who I am as a person. Some people are not so lucky. If other people don't like me, that's their problem. Sure it stings sometimes but overall...if you don't like me or what I do or what I say, cut-n-run. I'll get over it.

I have the best group of friends anyone could ask for. They're all so funny and fun to be around. They're smart. They're creative. They're talented. They're insane and bizarre. They're daredevils. They rally. They are THERE. And my best friend? Be jealous.

I'm loved. And I love. And even if I'm "too upset to see it, our relationship is progressing". We're taking the big plunge and cohabitating. We have "the best stuff. The things dreams are made of". It hasn't been easy but we make each other stronger. We make each other better. We're in it for life. Todd and Lacey vs. The World.

I'm generally healthy. Sure, I hate my body and my body hates me but it's minor stuff. So I have Athsma? So I get Pneumonia? So I catch every little sniffle or cough? It's minor. It's not life threatening. I'm able-bodied and my mind works just fine. I am lucky.

There's so much more that I should feel fortunate about. I have a roof over my head (and LOVE my digs). I have a job and a pretty nice paycheck every week. I have hobbies and skills that set me apart (YES, Potsie. I WILL finish your paintings ASAP!!). Overall, contrary to popular opinion, I am a good person who would pretty much fight tigers for anyone. I'm forgiving. I'm loving. And I like to think I'm mildly entertaining in person. I have my bad days but I need to have LESS bad days. I need to seriously stop sweating the small stuff. Any issues that I've EVER had to face...they were eventually worked out. Nothing had killed me yet. This cat has a couple lives left. I need to start living them to the fullest. Not that I haven't lived...I have my stories, holy cow. But maybe there's something to be said for living each day like it's your last. I just need to be thankful.

And let's not forget my family. Without whom...

Taking everything she can't steal.

Happy belated Birthday, Phoebe Bean! You're hotter and better than ever, even if I haven't seen you in weeks! I can feel your hotness radiating through Cleveland...are you even IN Cleveland??? You're like a car that upgrades itself so you don't have to get the new model or body style. You're ALWAYS the new model. Did you like that? I compared you to a car. Alright, so I miss you and my mind has turned to complete Jell-O. I just want to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY and remind you that you are an amazing woman (like you didn't know) and a kick-ass friend (I'm sure I don't tell you that enough. Reconnect this year has meant more to me than you could possibly know. You've helped me through a whole boat load of "downs" and helped me enjoy the fuck out of a ton of "ups". The most important thing I've learned from you this year is that some people just aren't worth fretting over. Anyway...I can't wait until we can find the time to celebrate your birthday together. I love you to DEATH!

I'm not here. This isn't happening.

That there.
That's not me.
I go.
Where I please.
I walk through walls.
I float down the Liffey.
I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.
I'm not here.

In a little while.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.
I'm not here.

Strobe lights and blown speakers.
Fireworks and hurricanes.
I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.
I'm not here.

Remember me next time I go away.

Let me preface this blather by saying that I am currently NOT depressed. I'm stressed. I don't get depressed...I'm not programmed for depression. Little cases of "the blues", that's my bag. Moving forward. Yesterday evolved from a flurry to a full-blown storm. Yes, boys-n-ghouls, my not-so-swell mood snowballed into a state of just absolute upset and frustration. I came to the point where I officially HATED yesterday and wanted to pound the living daylights out of it. Pounding the living daylights out of someone or something OR crying until my eyeballs roll straight out of my face may be the only things that get me out of my current surly state. But I can't do either. Pounding on someone like a chicken cutlet isn't conducive to "being a good person". And I don't cry anymore. Crying is for bitches. And I've eliminated weekday drinking. So...maybe I'll knit. I'll knit my emotions away. Some of you will be wearing very frustrated or angry scarves come winter.

Let me make it crystal clear thatn none, not even an itty bitty fraction, of my current loathing for life has to do with my relationship. Right now, I'm seriously leaning on Todd for support. He's giving me an emotional piggy back ride so to speak. Basically, he's kicking ass at being a boyfriend. And not to pat myself on the ass, but I think I deserve it so I'm going to lean as long as I need to. I could probably blather about what's clogging my noggin, but it's typical shtuff that everyone wades through. Being a home owner and bill payer and living alone is HARD. Work is HARD. Trying to keep the peace between friends is HARD. Dealing with aspects of my hobbies (Jump In The Sac, Pussyfoot Girls, Shark Attack! Records) is HARD. I dealt with a big break up (good riddance), had to leave a job I liked and was great at, was in the hospital several times and once almost lost MY ARM, and of course there are personal things that I'd rather not discuss. It's all on my mind, all of the time. I can't sleep. I love to sleep.

It probably sounds like I'm pouting. I AM POUTING. I'm allowed to pout. It is my right as a human and as a chick. I do my best to make lemonade out of the lemons that are pegged at my head constantly. I try to be Miss Fix-It all of the time so that everyone is hap-hap-happy. It's getting exhausting. I keep talking about disappering as if that would be a way to just get some relief. I don't want to disappear though. I just want to be able to deal with one thing at a time but for some reason...my brain wants EVERYTHING swimming up there at once. STUPID BRAIN! This will all pass. Todd keeps telling me over and over that it'll get better, he here for/with me no matter what I do. I believe it. It's comforting. What's NOT comforting is being away from him, like right now, and having my brain get fishy again because I'm thinking too much. I just need a temporary coma while I work things out. And I need Todd in the coma so he can assure me it'll get better.

I can't BELIEVE what you just said.

I am not in the greatest of moods right now despite the fact that I am currently enjoying a Snickers. And I keep holding my breath which is leading me to believe that I have reached the maximum stress level that my body can handle right now. My body does weird things like hold it's breath without asking me sometimes. My body is a jerk. Regardless, I just got some news that I was pretty damn shocked about it. I can't be mad but I can be upset so I'm upset. And my upset is causing me to think about all of the other things that have gone to Hell this year. It makes things seem far more horrific than they are when you list all of the upsets at once. I know it is not the end of the world...that none of the things on my list fot into the "end of the world" category but COME ON! I need a break.

Like a road, you're somewhere to go.

Where has the summer gone? Straight to my liver, that's where! It's half over already and I wonder how much of it I've spent with a headace. Today starts mine and Todd's "no drinking on the weekdays" kick and I'm pumped. Beer is nothing but empty, pointless calories (that taste like little slivers of Heaven) and I am DETERMINED to get F-I-T. I have my workout plan, I'm going to eat better, and hopefully my mental health will benefit. Not that I'm going nutty or psycho or any other adjectice to describe mental illness in a negative way. But I am experiencing some mental exhaustion and I don't need it. I've been weeding out the clutter in my house to make room for impending cohabitation...now I just need to weed the clutter from my brain.

OH! SNAP! Who won the Best Trophy trophy at the Rock-n-Race??

OH! SNAP! "If You Leave Me Now" is playing on the radio!!

Yeah, so, the pickins were slim as far as the trophies went so maybe the win wasn't as satisfying as if we had competed against 20 trophies and won. But everyone who saw the trophy gushed over it and had nothing but nice things to say about our efforts. In my mind, I engineered it, Todd manufactured it, then we both benched it. We're a team and it was for sure a team effort. The fact that I said I was building this trophy and with his help, was able to follow through to completion...I feel perfectly fine about taking the trophy home. In a weird way, this trophy is the first thing that is "ours". We'll have to pick a bad ass spot for it when he moves in.

Big step. Super psyched.

Besides the contest win, it was by FAR the BEST Rock-n-Race EVER! Oh Coffin Daggers? MIND BLOWING! A big thanks to Jim for having the Pussyfoot Girls back for the third year in a row. I really feel like we were on our game in a big way. I hope we did him proud and are invited back next year. And BEN??? And ROCKO??? And Karen tossing her cookies and still looking super glam? And my new favorite picture with Todd's hand in my waistband? All good. So good. The nice gents at PBR hooked me UP with a new tank top and a sweet new ringer and THEN, great catch that I am, I caught another of my favorite ringers AND a PBR Zippo!!! I HEART SWAG! Major. And I heart my friends, my boyfriend, the Pussyfoot Girls. PFG fans, most of the bands that performed, my long distance pals that were present, Jim and Michelle Murphy (yes, my friends, but they deserve a special shout out today) and over all, I LOVE the Dragway 42 Rock-n-Race. Hopefully, I can get pictures up sooooooon!

*SMOOCH*

Horny little baby in my back seat.

Speaking of back seats...

I almost gave up on building the "Best Back Seat" trophy for the Dragway 42 trophy building contest. Money became as tight as a hooker's top and corners needed to be cut like an attention-seeking person's arms after Heavy Rebel...and the trophy wasn't a necessity. I was c-c-c-c-c-crushed. I thought about pan-handling to some of my pallies to get the scratch to build the damn thing. Todd asked me if it was REALLY that important. To me...it WAS really that important. And he came through like my Weasel in flat black armor. Yeah, I designed it, but he came through with parts and rustled up someone to weld it and he's as pumped as I am! I've been working on painting it and am going to get the letting slapped on tonight and...it's sharp. I'm not sure if we'll WIN (it's OUR trophy now, for sure) but I feel so accomplished just by having something bad ass to turn in.

I think Todd knows that a lot of things that were important to me have been ruined recently...and he made it happen to make me happy which is super cool. The contest is tomorrow so crossed your digits. Then we have to distribute it to whoever has the "Best Back Seat"...then it's gone forever. Whoever wins BETTER apprecaite the blood, sweat, and other bodily fluids that made this thing possible. Upon penalty on DEATH!

So the Dragway 42 Rock-n-Race weekend starts tonight and I'm beyond super psyched. Like I've said, Todd and I are campping out there tonight. It's not that we'll be ALONE, especially since Grimm and Jim will be there...but a lot of our usually thugs aren't coming until tomorrow. Any time we get to spend out-n-about together, doing something different, is fun. It'll be a chance to take it easy in preparation for tomorrow! Saturday is single-handedly the BEST day at the Rock-n-Race. Everyone's there, everyone's drinking, Pussyfoot Girls are ON, we all stay up late and camp out...there is a lot of activity going on but it's so spread out over the day that it's a good way to chill with good friends. The people I love to be around are there. Sometimes we're all together, sometimes we're in little groups, sometimes Todd and I will be alone. Either way...I'm super psyched. After my terrible STRANGE mood the past two days...this is what I need. These are the people I need.

PHOTOS TO FOLLOW!

Nothing to hide. Believe what I say.

I downsized some of my stuff, I ate ice-cream, I vented via text message to the love of my life, I painted the "Best Back Seat" trophy, I practiced Pussyfootin' for the Dragway, I had a beer, I had girl talk, I showered with a man, I watched cartoons, I was spooned...nothing. No combination of the above activities helped me shake whatever is buggin'. Still can't pinpoint what's ruffling my feathers. All I know is SOMETHING is wrong with me and it's both making me emo and making me feel like I'm not in my own body. I don't get it but I know I don't like it.

Todd's being super cool about my moody 'tude, even though he did tell me I looked like I was dying (but merely looking like I'm dying still has me reigning supreme over the gal he said already looks dead...aw shucks). He did make a comment that was WORSE (and partially terrifying) than the comment about my appearance...but I don't even want to repeat it. I refuse to curse myself!!! Regardless, he's being a total sweetheart and I'm appreciating every second of it, even if I seem like I'm planning to jump off a bridge or punch him in the face. I know he is not even a tiny fraction to blame for...whatever the eff is going on with me. He's good stuff. And that's why I need to snap out of it! His weird moods were almost the death of me recently. I don't want to put undue stress on him. And things have been beyond rad with us the past 2 weeks. Gotta keep it moving full-speed ahead!!!

My favorite cheer-up remedy used to be Potsie doing "The Snoopy Dance". It worked every time. I'm a different person now than I was when that would cheer me up. NOW...she has to dance around to "Livin' Thing" by E.L.O. in my living room! She looks so happy and has such a blast that you can't help but smile. I told her that I will play "Livin' Thing" at my (hypothetical) wedding reception but she will be the only one allowed on the floor. Everyone needs to be a witness to the magic that is Karen/Potsie Shark-Pants/Tootsie Pop and song 83:11. I listened to it the entire way to work and for some reason, I saw my future flash before my eyes. It was comforting and quite sexy.

Dragway 42 this weeknd. PFG on Saturday. Be there.

Your head is aching. I'll make it better.

Do you ever have one of those days where you straddle the line between bursting into tears and ripping someone's heart out Indiana Jones style? It's early but that is how I feel today. Something is brewing and I think it may be lethal for all those around me. Toxic. Poisonous. Growth-stunting. I wish I would run into everyone I loathe on the street today because I'm fairly certain I could destroy or at least injure them fairly quickly and with minimal effort...but then I might cry about it since there's that looming tear-jearky feeling. I wouldn't cry over ALL the people I would like to annihilate...unless they were tears of pure joy.

So, whatever. I woke up in a weird mood today and I'm not enjoying it one bit! There is absolutely NO REASON why I should feel so cranky and bitter. I came home after work to find a handsome boyfriend and the welded skeleton of a "Best Back Seat" trophy. I was instructed to take a nap (which I hap-hap-happily did) and woke up to a handsome boyfriend cooking TACOS! He didn't even mind when I used all of the cheese!! We watched cartoons and he told me that he loves my laugh, that it melts his heart and does something to his soul...probably molests it. But how sweet was that? I love hearing things like that...and if my laugh does his heart-n-soul good, we're all set cause I'm a laughing machine! And I went to bed at a descent hour all snuggled up in the tentacles of the man I love...while STILL watching cartoons.

SO WHAT THE FLIP IS WRONG WITH ME???

It could be good, ol' PMS. My always anticipated visit from Aunt Flo is right around the corner. But the thing is...ugh, my body is so confusing. I've never, ever, never, had PMS or sore jugs or anything like that then last month POW! It felt like someone was using my tater-melons (that's a new one I was blessed with) for punching bags. They hurt so flipping much that I was actually concerned there was a mini-human being growing where I don't need one to grow right now. Not the case. Bleeding not breeding. But still! Suddenly, at the ripe age of 29, I'm getting the symptoms I should have adjusted to at puberty? Life is cruel. Mother Nature can shove a sword up her vag.

But if it's not THAT, what is it? Like I said, there is no reason for me to be glum or gloomy or looking for a pile of dirt to kick or a skull to stomp on. My relationship was been fan-fucking-tastic for the past 2 weeks. No bumps, no bruises, no snags. We're crazy bananas in love and our future looks mega-bright. Everything is rad with my pals and I'm looking forward to spending quality drinking time with them this weekend at the Dragway. Speaking of that...I had so much fun at PFG practice last week that I can't WAIT for tonight! I think our set has some major potential and I think this show is going to be a blast and a half. I feel like I'm growing much closer to Potsie and Christina and that's bad ass. We're like a little army. A saucy, little, tail-shakin' army! And my family...alwalys good stuff. Besides the average amount of stress I'm experiencing...I dunno. There's just no reason for this 'tude.

I just need to lay low today. Hide out.

Bad ideas. They are a dime a dozen.

My eyeballs feel so slick that I think they might roll right out of my face, on to the filthy floor, out the door and on their waaaaaay. I'm exhausted so my peepers are watery and glistening. It's only mid-summer and I'm flat-out beat. Every weekend from now until September 12th is FULL UP and occupied. Not a second to spare for anything less than an emergency. And any second I have to spare...is spent sleeping or at least thinking/dreaming about sleeping. My body and my brain are taking a hardcore beating from all of this activity so things have got to change! Don't get me wrong...everything on my dance card is F-U-N. It's not like I have to attend funerals or slaughter house tours from now til autumn. It's all fun which makes me even more exhausted.

Next up on our list...I should say OUR because everything I'M doing, TODD is doing as well and he is equally as beat...is the Dragway 42 Rock-n-Race. Now I'm super psyched and pumped about this weeknd, don't get me wrong. Todd and I are going to cruise out there Friday night to see the bands, keep the drinks light, "love on each other when we get thristy", and camp out...just the two of us. After a short return home so I can transform into the powerful Patti Cake, we'll be back for more bands, more beer, the lovely Pussyfoot Girls, and camping with all of our peeps (including BENNNNNNNN!!!!). Sunday...whaddaya know? More bands!! And then serious hibernation! Even if just over night. I plan on going into a Snuggle-Coma. It'll be a blast and a half but I'm crashing just thinking about it!

And after Rock-n-Race, no more beer on weekdays! Todd and I decided this last night. We need to eat better, drink less, get more sleep, get in shape, blah blah blah, blather. No beer during the week is our first step towards shaping up for our future. We're stock piling now. There was also some discussion about walking every night. I don't mind working out but I'll be honest...I haven't in WEEKS! I got so stressed out and worn out that I just gave up. That's lame. I try not to give up. So I need to start over. And walking together every night (in addition to the "Tom Shoe-Lane Kicks My Ass" workout plan) will be fun. I like doing anything with Todd. Maybe not pooping. I think that's a solo project.

Last, but certainly not least, starting September 12th, expect to see Todd and I way less. We're putting life on hold, so to speak, during autumn and winter. If you are dim and didn't get the picture from my ranting and raving above...WE'RE BEAT! We need a break. So we're "becoming little hermits"...hibernating, so to speak. I don't remember if it was him or if it was me...but we were on the couch crabbing about what busy bees we are, and one of us said, "Can we just do nothing all winter?". It was him. I agreed WHOLE HEARTEDLY. We decided to pump the start date up to autumn and there you have it. Laying low, doing less (not NOTHING but way less), staying home, saving money, good stuff. GOD...I can't wait. But for now...

7/18 to 7/20: Dragway 42 Rock-n-Race
7/25 to 7/27: EMPTY...for now.
8/1: Rancid show in Detroit.
8/2: Night Under Fire @ Summit.
8/9: Family function...would take too long to explain.
8/16: Jump In The Sac w/ The Pussyfoot Girls.
8/22: Tractor Pull thing-a-majig.
8/23-8/24: Niagara Falls.
8/29-8/31: EMPTY...for now.
9/6: Journey, Heart, and Cheap Trick @ Blossom.
9/12: TODD AND LACEY'S SELF-INFLICTED HERMITISM!!!

Let's liven up this crazy crowd!

I have just now at this VERY second made a discovery that will change my life for...at least awhile. And it won't mean anything to any of you and it may seem foolish to get so pumped over something so small. But the small somethings are all I can really count on. Think I'm being melodramatic? Not at all. It's just that due to people's selfishness over the past few weeks, I've started questioning everyone and everything. The big things I thought I could count on are in limbo. My once precious ability to just jump right in has taken a hike. As Counter Clockweyes would say, "My get-up-and-go must have got-up-and-gone out the door...and on it's way". But this is not about Counter Clockweyes or certain people's bad behavior.

It's about Hungry Jack Potato Pancake mix.

When I was in college, I would make these as often as possible. And I made them perfectly. I turned people on to potato pancakes who had zero to no interest. I would have worn a bikini made of them. And then what happens in the vast expanse of greater Cleveland and Northeast Ohio? THEY DISAPPEAR! Empty shelves are far as they eye can see. I haven't had a Hungry Jack potato pancake since 2003! 2003, Becky! Do you hear this??? And today I finally get motivated enough to search for theie existence and location...SANDUSKY! Hungry Jack wants me to drive to SANDUSKY to fill the void these pancakes have caused!

But alas...there is an alternative solution!

Hungry Jack WILL, in fact, ship me 12 boxes for a totally reasonable price. I pretty much had a much-needed orgasm when I made this discovery. It's the best thing to happen to me all day short of having a sort-of fashionable hair day. I know it's early but I don't have much hope for today being a hum-dinger or anything. Yesterday was also sort of a let down, eventhough I was assured I wouldn't BE let down...outside of the fact that Potsie and Christina (and their dance to "Shout! Shout! Knock Yourself Out!") are amazing, hilarious and adorable AND...

THE MAY BABY HAS ARRIVED!!!

And it was a boy just like I said it would be! I'm just knowing things left-n-right regarding pregnancy these days. Sure, I can't get Nolan a pink cardigan but I can get him something equally as rad ass. I probably shouldn't say "rad ass" regarding a baby, should I? He can take it. He's a MAY for crying out loud. Regardless...Nolan Lucky May joined the pack yesterday and that foxy mama is doing well after 22 hours of labor and a C-Section! HOT DAMN! All my congratulations and love and sloppy kisses and bear hugs go out to The Mays. Hopefully there will be no more fish sticks and flip flops for Jen! My first close friend to a have a baby. I'm super psyched. And Jessica's due date is right around the corner. YEEHAW!

I really don't feel like shutting up. Even if someone SHOULD shut me up! And even if some people WANT to shut me up. I'm just not in the mood to zip this lip. But what WILL I talk about??? I know what I COULD talk about, but I won't. Knowing you have the power and ability to destroy and annihilate is incredible. I kind of get that fetish now where people build the miniature cities and then stomp on them. At least a little of it has to do with power. And I've got some. Overall, I think I am a nice and fairly decent person. But sometimes fair and decent people get fed up...they have limits. And then...they poison the well.

And now I'm DONE! Hot-cha-cha!

Tell me now who you think I am.

Heavy Rebel is over for another year, le sigh. Sadly, it was not the BEST Heavy Rebel ever. I was in a weird mind-set, I guess. Friday was pretty much a complete bust, minus the always awesome and talented Pete Yorko One Man Band. And the beginning half of Saturday wasn't all that amazing and vag-quaking either. But Saturday night...I did it up, Heavy Rebel style! I got drunk, I rocked out, I bought swag AND FINALLY kissed someone in a jail cell!!! Not a RANDOM someone, silly! It was good stuff. We left early Sunday morning and that was that. Heavy Rebel was over for another year. I know what things I'll do differently next year to assure it goes back to being the way it should be. And I'm not saying I didn't have a great time...I DID! Just not as mind-blowing as it usually is, which is disappointing. But I have zero regrets. IN BEER WE TRUST, HEAVY REBEL OR BUST!

Jen May is having a baby RIGHT NOW! My heart is POUNDING!!!

So I might be taking a big, BIG leap soon! The leap had been sort of joked about and tossed around previously but now it's really being dissected and discussed hardcore. There's sort of a chain of command...once THIS happens, then THAT will happen and once THAT happens, I'll do THIS and once I do THIS, we will do THAT! It's really fucking exciting and terrifying at the same time. My heart has been majorly beat-up, raped, abused, and pretty much all but murdered. There was attempted murder but I survived. I spend so much time surviving. I just want to LIVE now, and that's what I'm doing. Livin'. Anyway...stay tuned for more updates on my leaping. Just know that the conversations of the past few days have been legendary and I'm super psyched, which is the way I want to be. The way I DESERVE to be. Maybe I have a shot at Happily Ever After after all!

Had a hot date last night!! Got all dolled up and hit the down for a yummy dinner and tablecloth sketching (I drew a skunk). There was supposed to be making out on a park bench somewhere after but Mother Nature was in a foul mood and had other plans. So we curled up couch-style and watched Cloverfield which was a waste of money and time. But together time is always good. Watching a mini-marathon of Family Guy in bed is good, too. As is eating ice-cream in bed. In fact...besides the fact that my outside gas line is leaking and I have to get a plumber out to my house for all kinds of work...yesterday was a really good day. I'm still on an emo rollercoaster due to events of the past few weeks but it's slowing down. The hills are few and far between these days. The words "I believe in us" kinda set the pace. Pretty soon I hope to be off this crazy ride and just coasting. I believe in THAT!

Alright...I've been waiting since 10:30pm for Baby May! ARGH!!!

Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway.

Something is wrong with me today and I feel a slight panic coming on. The hours have been crawling by which is getting under my skin. And I feel very emotional. I've been flipping between thinking I'm going to cry and thinking I'm going to have an anxiety attack (not because I feel anxious but because my heart is really thumping in there). I guess I feel nervous and there's just no reason for it.

I don't know what's going on with me today. TODAY, of all days, I should be nothing but SUPER PSYCHED! I mean, we're leaving for Heavy Rebel tonight! Sure, my laundry isn't done, I still need a few things from the store, and I'm not packed...but none of those things are bothering me. I know they'll get done before we hit the dusty trail. I want to be PUMPED, God damn it. I've been counting down this trip sincethere were 130 days to go! WTF!?!?!?!

I know...or I'm hoping to Sweet Zombie Jesus...that all of this tightness in my chest with dissolve once we're in the car, Todd and I are holding hands, Johnny is saying something ridiculous, and tunes are blasting. Maybe I'm just over-excited! In a way, this weird feeling in my chest sort of feels like extra adrenaline! And when you get too much adrenaline, you can tend to feel ill! Alright...I'm totally going to ride this wave. I don't feel well because I'm just too damn psyched for Heavy Rebel *has fingers crossed behind back*

Changing lanes, splitting hairs.

Last night was one of the best night's of my entire life. I woke up this morning knowing exactly where I stand and exactly where I belong, where I want to be. Questions I had were answered, promises were made, cloudy became clear (if you want me to be all femmy and poetic). I was told that I am solid, that I am a backbone, that I am someone to draw strength from...which is pretty damn cool. The pain from the past few weeks has been erased and I am totally at ease...and shocked. My heart is full. Life is good.

This is going to be the most amazing Heavy Rebel ever. How could it not be? Me, the love of my life/future husband, best friend on the planet, a couple (literally...man-n-wife) that means more to me than cheese, my out-of-town bestie...all together. All Chillaxing. All keeping each others minds off of the garbage that's going on back home in "the real world" of our daily lives. And all of our other local and long-distance buddies will be there with no other motive than to have massive amounts of fun. It's exactly what I need exactly when I need it.

I feel at ease since I'm done couting down the days.

Tomorrow, I will be hyper counting down the hours.

REJOICE! We made the right choice.

I've cashed my adorable government check (thanks, China) and have begun stimulating the economy by spreading the wealth around. Now I need my "economy" stimulated and the "wealth spread", if you catch my drift. And my "drift" needs catching, by the way. And what I mean to say is that I have Spring Fever...again. Va-voom! And it's not like last year where I was just leading with my vagina and I noticed every boy in the room (you tend to overdose on eye candy when your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you several times a week). Now it's just like I have a neon bar sign in my sights that is flashing my boyfriend's name with the stimulus bypassing my brain and going straight for my drawers. Trashy, I know. Dirty, and I like it. It's been hard to sit still today...is there an equivalent to "blue balls" for girls? Cause I've got it. The equivalent. Not the balls. I need a cold shower or wet towel. Or nakie boyfriend!

Pause. Regroup. Grow up. Focus.

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I'm drawing blanks. I have nothing that isn't at least PG-13 to say! I could talk about how we spontaneously went to the movies last night and he whispered in my ear and pulled me close to him but THAT made me warm up. I could blather about how he fixed the bedroom TV and I planted myself in the nook while we watched Family Guy but we were all arms and legs and head rubbing and purring so THAT won't help me. Oh this morning? A morning that is usually started with a quick kiss, a hug, and an "I love you"? Yeah. Eff that just like your sister did the football team. This morning paved the way for my filthy brain to start patting itself on the back! I want to go home and get a "pat on the back" myself but nooooooooooo! I'm getting my wig done did by the foxy Anna Banana! But since I was informed that gettig a skunk stripe is going to get me married off...I betcha the clothes will go flying when I get home. Can someone please slap me on the back of the hand or something? Jesus.

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Uh...I don't even feel like yapping about Heavy Rebel! DAMN!

I'm sure this feeling will end. It always does. It's fleeting...like an orgasm after a quickie! At least I'm not crying my eyeballs raw and hiccuping and hoping that a train will bust through my window and take me out! And for serious numb nuts...I'm never suicidal no matter how much I bawl. There's too many things I haven't done yet in life and too much fun to be had. There's always a calm after the storm or whatever. Plus, my vag would never forgive me if ghost intercourse was a let down. So just let me enjoy my frisky mood but don't stand too close to me. It could be contagious. Spring Fever is something that medical experts haven't spent nearly enough time studying. So says I...Nurse Lacey Cakes!