Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Feels so good to watch it burn.

I had started to make a list of things that I hate in order to empty my "Hate Tank" and get on with my day. But half of the list was things everyone knows I hate (pineapples, Bob Segar, anything to do with breastfeeding) and the other half was starting to get way too personal (mind yer business). So I scrapped the whole thing and guess I'll keep my tank on full. Maybe being full of hate today will be good for me. Keep me focused and determined and on course. Or maybe I'll just be on edge all day until I snappity snap snap snap and karate chop someone in the eyeball. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. The day has only just begun.

I'm starting to believe that stress is actually stronger and more bad ass and majorly sucko...as compared to fear. The grammar and structure of that sentence is a wreck, I know but do I care? I face fears all the time and come out of top in a very "I just fucked you up BIG TIME, Fear" kind of way. Joy Turner says fear is just your emotions asking for a hug. I say they're asking for a punch in the junk. But stress? Stress owns me right now. Stress is really showing me who is boss. It's not pleasant. It's caused an uncomfortable feeling in my throat. I just now thought about listing off all my current stressers...something inside of me is DYING to make a list for some reason...but that will just get me all worked up. I'm plenty itchy enough as it is.

On the upside of things, I'm finally going to see Johnny for the first time since March...next Monday. I'm pumped for it. I was reliving a simpler time in my head yesterday...back when I was in Kent and my main concerns were what time Johnny was coming over, how much beer to bring to The Mantis and which Anti-Flag shirt to wear. Life was easy then. Life was going to shows EVERY week, even if you had to sell your "Eddie and the Cruisers" DVD to Becky in order to get in. I stressed about whether or not bands would play my favorite songs. I stressed about which show to go to when there was more than one. Sure, there were classes and finals and speeches and projects. But I'd write a 10 page paper right now if it got me out of being a responsible adult.

How did I manage to take my happiness about getting a beer with my BFF and bring it right back around to my stress?!?!? It's all encompassing, I tell you. The other day I thought I found a gray hair...but it was red. Since money has been so tiiiiiight, I haven't been able to dye my 'do and the red streaks are a-peakin'. I just have to get through the next 2 or 3 weeks and the money situation will be all figured out...even though I need to buy my bridesmaids gifts and give Phee cash for the centerpieces. Still...I'll have some extra scratch. I can't even buy an ice cream cone right now if I want one. Spent the little money I had on groceries last night. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! I'm supposed to be talking about the UPSIDE to life and I'm STRESSSSSSSING!

I'm outta here before I have an aneurysm.

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