Feels so good to watch it burn.

I had started to make a list of things that I hate in order to empty my "Hate Tank" and get on with my day. But half of the list was things everyone knows I hate (pineapples, Bob Segar, anything to do with breastfeeding) and the other half was starting to get way too personal (mind yer business). So I scrapped the whole thing and guess I'll keep my tank on full. Maybe being full of hate today will be good for me. Keep me focused and determined and on course. Or maybe I'll just be on edge all day until I snappity snap snap snap and karate chop someone in the eyeball. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. The day has only just begun.

I'm starting to believe that stress is actually stronger and more bad ass and majorly sucko...as compared to fear. The grammar and structure of that sentence is a wreck, I know but do I care? I face fears all the time and come out of top in a very "I just fucked you up BIG TIME, Fear" kind of way. Joy Turner says fear is just your emotions asking for a hug. I say they're asking for a punch in the junk. But stress? Stress owns me right now. Stress is really showing me who is boss. It's not pleasant. It's caused an uncomfortable feeling in my throat. I just now thought about listing off all my current stressers...something inside of me is DYING to make a list for some reason...but that will just get me all worked up. I'm plenty itchy enough as it is.

On the upside of things, I'm finally going to see Johnny for the first time since March...next Monday. I'm pumped for it. I was reliving a simpler time in my head yesterday...back when I was in Kent and my main concerns were what time Johnny was coming over, how much beer to bring to The Mantis and which Anti-Flag shirt to wear. Life was easy then. Life was going to shows EVERY week, even if you had to sell your "Eddie and the Cruisers" DVD to Becky in order to get in. I stressed about whether or not bands would play my favorite songs. I stressed about which show to go to when there was more than one. Sure, there were classes and finals and speeches and projects. But I'd write a 10 page paper right now if it got me out of being a responsible adult.

How did I manage to take my happiness about getting a beer with my BFF and bring it right back around to my stress?!?!? It's all encompassing, I tell you. The other day I thought I found a gray hair...but it was red. Since money has been so tiiiiiight, I haven't been able to dye my 'do and the red streaks are a-peakin'. I just have to get through the next 2 or 3 weeks and the money situation will be all figured out...even though I need to buy my bridesmaids gifts and give Phee cash for the centerpieces. Still...I'll have some extra scratch. I can't even buy an ice cream cone right now if I want one. Spent the little money I had on groceries last night. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! I'm supposed to be talking about the UPSIDE to life and I'm STRESSSSSSSING!

I'm outta here before I have an aneurysm.

Come on and show me how you work!

It's so cool to have someone to do cool things for you. Like when you're sort of having an annoying day at work and you come home and your fiancee has prepared a bedroom picnic. I was shuffled off to the shower where an arrow alerted me to my favorite Snowman boxer short pajamas (I'm really into sleeping in his drawers now...shouldn't I have gone through that phase in college?). Then he layed out a spread on the bed...carrots, chips-n-dip, fruit salad, sandwiches, and a cooler full of beer, of course. I even got a Snickers for dessert! We chowed down, listened to the storm, and fell asleep after the electricity went out. My stress melted away. Fiancees are rad.

I smell graham crackers and it's bugging me.

I'm not afraid to admit it...I woke up and watched "Twilight" again. And I'm also not afraid to admit that I have OCD (Obsessive Cullen Disorder). I'll be getting some sort of t-shirt to that effect. After "Twilight", we finished registering and picked up Aiden for some birthday sleepover shopping. Decided to go with a luau theme. And the luau was a success! It was the first kid's party I've ever thrown and it was rad. Food, cake, pinata, silly string, tiki torches, bonfire, S'Mores, Wii, sparklers, glow sticks (my personal favorite part), and The Mummy. Pretty rad if I do say so myself. Sometimes Aiden seems to act older than he is...maybe because the neighborhood kids are older...and thuggish. It was nice to see him act 8. And Tessa came which was a treat to me! We all had a blast. I'll stamp this one with SUCCESS!

Todd got fitted for his tux. Aiden said he looks "hunky".

I address shower invites. Aiden stamped them.

Severly pumped for this upcoming, 4 day, holiday weekend. Todd and I are BANANAS about fireworks and we stil have Sparklers and glow sticks left! I have a boatload of painting to do since my free time was sacrificed but I'll make time to party down a little. We were supposed to go camping but that's not going to be happening. And speaking of not happening...

PFG will not be at the Dragway this year. Sucks because it's our favorite show of the year AND mine-n-Todd's "crushiversary"...we first saw each other there and caught the robotic wolves. 8 months after...well...we made it official! Regardless, due to several factors, we had to drop out. It was a tuff decision but we made the right choice. With it not really being Jim's gig and LOTH not playing, it's not really the same anyway. Tood and I can celebrate out "crushiversary" at the Sasquatch and the Sickabillies show instead and I can get my paint on. Still...that crowd would have LOVED Finger Lickin' Strip Tease.

Which will soon be on DVD thanks to D.A.B. Stay tuned!

And that's a wrap.

Is this fun for you???

I wish I could listen to "Oh My God" by Ida Maria right now. That is what my mood is like. My head is swimming. Swimming like angry, blood-thirsty sharks that have been poked with sticks. Sticks that smell like blood. Oh, stop swimming, my mind! Sidenote...a study recently showed that Great Whites are very similar to human serial killers in the way the stalk their prey. Fascinating. Look it up.

And let me clarify...my new mind-boggling mood has nothing to do with yesterday's "not like myself" mood. That's over. After some hand holding and major "artic" snuggle time, the off-centered weirdness I was experiencing went away and I felt like myself. I really wanted to stay in bed all day, snuggling...which was suggested...but we need bacon to bring home. Literally. It looks like a college fridge. But anyway...yesterday's mood was repaired.

But now there's THIS mood. GRRRRR!

And I can NOT talk about it because it's not my business to blab. But it has me really upset. You hurt a person I care about, you hurt me. That's how it goes. That's how it should go. Maybe I'm not always the best friend or the best human being...but my friends, family...don't mess with them. I'm protective and that's that. So I'm just going to say that I'm upset, I'm shocked...Todd used the word "disgusted", which is perfect...and leave it at that. People just keep blowing my mind. Just when you think nothing else can shock you...POW!

I'm going to stop thinking about it now. The person that it does have to do with knows I have their back. So...shaking it off. And now that it's shook...I can cruise over to my wedding blog and happily jabber about our meeting at the church last night and how for the first time, I felt really emotional! In a good way! Not in a rip your throat out with my barehands way.

VIVA!

I tell them what the smile on my face meant.

I feel like I've been totally rewired. I'm all robot aside from this weird knot in my chest that just won't go away. It probably would if I cried...it feels like one of those obnoxious suckers...but I don't feel like crying. My eye make-up looks pretty solid today and you can't mess with that. And crying is for pussies. But focusing back in on my recent robotics...I do not feel like myself and haven't since Monday. The first half of Monday, I was like a poster girl for life and livin' it. And by Monday afternoon, I was punching babies and spitting in faces. Yesterday I just wanted nothing to do with anything besides sitting on my porch and staring into space. Todd lured me back inside with Futurama...a cartoon featuring a robot. Fitting.

I've heard way too much Def Lepard today.

I don't know what's going on with me. I mean, I guess I do...but I'm not going to talk about it. And before you jump to conclusions, you might as well jump off a bridge. This is NOT about getting married. My feet have been firmly planted by my (future) husband's side since the day he nakedly got down on one knee. So don't go returning your gifts or making other plans. I know it's a combination of things that's mooding me and that combo is filled with stress. It's not a tasty treat. And my brain just won't turn off so lots of thinking about lots of things has gone on and my gray matter is trying to escape just to get a break. I heard a wise and very thin woman recently say something along the lines of "Besides the shoes and great sex and no parents anywhere telling you what to do...being a grown up sucks". Something like that. I'm with her. I'm with you Meredith!

Run for your life!

Life...is...good. You heard it here first.

This weekend was classic. I thought the way was paved to just be rotten all around after Thursday's tattoo removal session turned out to be reminiscent of having my chest scalped. Does that make any sense? It was sucko. That should be clear. So Thursday was a wash. No painting. No productivity. Just pain and napping and ouch.

I woke up still crankified and pretty much refused to get out of bed (until Phoebe notified me that my art show promo postcard designs were DONE...she's a machine). I had my sour face on and a bad attitude. But I shook it off and got down to business where paint was concerned. I was focused and determined and Weasel was good company. He even came up with an idea for a painting that turned out really cute and hilarious and evil. I continued on that wave by getting up before the birds on Saturday and just knocking stuff out. I think I finished 5 or 6 paintings this weekend. Go me!

After scrubbing paint off of every appendage, we cruised out to P'Ville for the trifecta birthday party. I took leftover jello shots from the race and we just unwound. It was so good to be around friends that I hadn't seen in awhile though there were some missing faces. Megbo? Potsie? Joey? Grimm? Still...it was rad. We talked movies, wedding, sketch comedy filming, and made 4th of July weekend plans to go camping with Jim and Megan the wonder-kid. I'm looking forward to fireworks and cover bands.

Yesterday...whew...started off rough. I had a fishbowl head. Cruised over to my (future) in-laws for awhile and then headed out to my family BBQ/pool party. It was nice to hang with my neices and nephews and take a swim. Man, when I was little...I was totally part fish. So we hung out and celebrated all the Dads (including Weasel!) and then went home and into coma mode. Movies, mac-n-cheese, couch, bed. May not be a thrilling way to wrap things up but my body and brain thanked me. They know the upcoming weekend holds more of the same...painting, parties, exhaustion. But that's what makes life good.

Do NOT let me get a skunk OR a baby pittie.

But DO come to this:

Talk to me. There's nothing to tell.

I'm over the "Song Of The Day". If I feel like there's a song you should listen to, I'm just going to say HEY...listen to THIS! But I don't feel like forcing myself to force you to listen to something just because I said I would daily. That's too much pressure. The less pressure I put on myself, the better. Not that I'm bitching anymore. I'm going to "toughen up" where wedding planning (95 days to go) and art showing is concerned. I've taken the break I so badly craved and come back refreshed and fighting!

I'm 6'2" and UNSTOPPABLE!

While the race itself was maybe the biggest snoozer of a race I've seen in person, the weekend was what JUST WHAT I NEEDED! It was everything I said/though it would be...drinking, eating, bullshitting, laughing, chilling. There are some incredibly bizarre photos that I'm sure will end up posted somewhere...we just HAD to save evidence of encyclopedia burning for posterity. After a temporary coma upon arriving home, I woke up recharged, refreshed, re-inspired, re-motivated. I got 2 paintings down on canvas while watching Season 2 of Project Runway ("It's a motherfucking walk off!")...and I even got some sketching done! I have 50 days to accomplish the goal I set out for myself. It's been awhile since I met a goal I set. I'm gonna beat the living daylights out of the this one. Just watch me!

By the way, listen to "Skyscraper" by Bad Religion.

Now let me explain, I never grew up.

Song Of The Day: "Melt Show" by Old 97s

The protein shakes I've been drinking taste like liquid pudding. I'm not sure if I should be psyched or disgusting. I guess I'll just enjoy the fact that they keep me full and dropping pounds. A girl at The Sac complimented me on having one of the smallest waists she'd ever seen. Then we proceeded to talk about my ample ass and how I have no plans to wear Apple Bottom jeans in the future. Didn't really think my protein shakes would give me this much to blather about. Eh.

I'm going to pat myself on the aforementioned ass for being mondo productive yesterday. But I reckon it's easy to be productive when you're planning/working on fun stuff. Yep. I have fun on the brain.

1. My future-step-son's birthday par-tay. The reigns have been handed over to me (or I stole them...whatever), which is good because birthdays are my thing. I love me a birthday. Todd laid the foundation and I just went bananas from there. I had such great birthdays and birthday parties as a kid (I still do, actually) and I want to keep those traditions alive in my own family. I brain stormed with Katie Carnivore just for fun and we came up with some pure awesomeness. I asked Todd not to sensor my genius and he told me to do it up. So I'm doing it up. But with all kiddie parties, I predict one injury and 1 tummy ache. It happens.

2. My gift to my future-step son. Oh man...it's RAD! At first, it was all about combining something he'd like to do with a sort of mini-summer trip. Again, I have such bad ass memories of the trips we'd take in the summers, even if they were just for a weekend (we STILL take rad trips...man, I'm lucky). But the more I planned, the more I became excited! And Todd, too! So it's going to be a great time for all of us. I could get him some lame toy or game or something...but those get broken, lost, or lame. I bet if I gave him the choice between buying something or going where we're going...yeah. I know what he'd want. I don't want to spill the beans...not that I think 8 year olds are my blog demographic. I just want to keep the trip to ourselves...but not the excitement. BANANAS!

3. Let's go racin'!!! It's almost time to leave! I can't believe it. And I also can't believe that Todd seems to be embracing it now. We haven't gone away for a weekend since last August. I thought just I needed the break, but he needs it, too. I can't wait to sit in a lawn chair in my flipflops, drinking a frosty beverage, grilling, goofing off with my friends and my favorite fella on the planet. And let's no forget standing on top of our RV and cheering on JAAAAAAAAAAAMIE!!!! Go #26!

But as far as what I've ACCOMPLISHED...I got all the supplies for Jello shots (it's a race tradition), paper products, an MEAT! Thanks to my parents, I have lots and lots of MEAT! Not only was it super nice of them to let me raid their freezer, but this is going to save me SO MUCH MONEY! Tonight I have to go and get the rest of our snacks and such, get beer, ice, what have you. THEN we still have to pack everything up so it doesn't get water logged, clean out the car, take our shtuff to Sharon's to be transfered to the RV...and I haven't even THOUGHT about clothes! I'll have plenty of snacks and NO PANTS! HA! At least I'll fit in!

Maybe I just rambled a lot but I'm in a good mood. Take it in and be glad I'm not sick or sad. Lots of fun things on the horizon. Lots of events to get us closer to the wedding date. It's a lot of work to just be happy, ha ha. And expensive at times! But life is good. I'm not trying to convince myself that it is. It just IS. I gave my phone number to the new Pussyfoot Girl (1 new girl AND an emcee SECURED! Still hoping for 1 or 2 more chicks...we lost Bobbi Socks...boo) and got to use my married last name. It made Todd proud.

And with that, and a sudden stabbing pain...

OUT!

Still in her teens. Just as sweet as she can be.

Song Of The Day: "Sleepwalk" by Santo & Johnny

I went home Thursday night and went into a COMA! I have no idea what tropical hex was put on me but I woke up in the middle of the night in Sick City. Shivering, sweating, aching. It was only a 24 hour thang but I've been like an off-balance warshing machine ever since. Didn't really set the tone for my weekend, not that it wasn't productive and rewarding.

I've lost almost 9 pounds! I'll reward myself with tighter pants.

Didn't really make the progress I wanted to regarding the art show. Couldn't get my focus together. I did drink a few beers and rode my bike to the park once it started getting all dusky. I paused "Blue Velvet" to do this which sort of made me feel eerie and creeped out and pervy.

On my short journey, I discovered that "just like riding a bike" is a crock. I had no concept on how to turn with my wide handle bars. I was just happy to make it there in one piece without embarrasing myself and to swing for awhile. At that moment, I had no bills to pay, no wedding plans to make, no paintings to finish, no housework, no stress. I just had to swing. Man...kids have it made and they never realize it until it's too late. Little bastards.

And oh my gosh, I'd love to love 'em all!

Song Of The Day: "Sleep" by Lagwagon

I'M LOVING LIFE RIGHT NOW!

...

...

Yep. Still loving it.

Cobwebs fall on an old skipping record.

Song Of The Day: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

I had the best wake up call possible this morning. I can feel it in my toes and in the small of my back. I love that term... "the small". I went to bed early last night, like before the early bird special kind of early. I needed the sleep in this worst way and I woke up refreshed and revived. When I went to bed, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and a generally dysfunctional attitdue.I didn't cry but I was on the verge...it all seems to have been repaired. It's amazing how crabby and miserable a person can get due to lack of quality sleep.

I was in bed before Tessa was at the bar. I'm awesome!

I've been stressed, it's no secret. There's enough stress in my day-to-day life but heap a wedding and a possible life change (can't talk about it now but it puts distance between myself and someone I want to karate chop in the throat, whcih is for the best) on top...it's overwhelming. I need to destress so we've scheduled a classic "Chill Day" for this weekend which includes, but is not limited to: watching movies, getting tender, cocktails, grilling (I bought steaks!), playing cards, Yahtzee, building "a nest", laughing our asses straight off. Chill Day prohibits paying or agonizing over bills and/or money, planning the wedding, shower, honeymoon or bachelor/bachelorete outtings, or dealing/worrying about any other stressors in our lives. Chill Day is ours from morning til night and NO ONE can tell us different. Ya got that? My weekend starts when I clock out tomorrow and THAT is a good thing.

I haven't finished "Angry Breakfast" yet. That is my goal for this evening. It's good to have goals. I've been setting painting quotas for the weekends and it's really helped. My quota for this weekend is 6 medium/large paintings. The clock is ticking. Gots to get creative. Luckily, my non-wife, Phee-Bizzle, agreed to make my promo postcards for Cannibalicious! I am not computer art savvy. Plus, it gives her something to do while her non-husband is on tour. Low Life Gallery said they'd provide the postcards if I provided the design. They also said they'd provide beer and win but a band (Miss Firecracker One-Woman Band) and snacks are up to me! Covered. Totally. I'm getting excited. I'm getting nervous. I want to sell 5. If I sell 5, I'll be the happiest kid alive. Slap happy! Orgasm happy! I bet you're all itching for the art show to be over like you were for Motor Mayhem to be over so I stop blathering about it. It's better than me yapping about always being a sicko or getting my emo on, right? RIGHT!

What else?

Nothing. Nothing else!

*HIGH FIVE*

Destiny is calling me! Open up my eager eyes!

Song Of The Day: "Fall Behind Me" by The Donnas

For anyone even remotely interested in my Cannibalicious! art show and corresponding blog diggity, I am changing the names of all the paintings. My initial thought was to give them all first names, like Sadie and Krista and Edward and so on. But I hate the names I gave them and pretty much hate most names. My unborn children are doomed. So I'm going back and naming them properly...along with posting a plethora of new work...some time this week. I have to get with Low Life to go over some shtuff about the show. That was a pretty exciting e-mail to get...makes it more real. And makes the fact that it's only 2 months away very real, and very scary. Which is rad.

Friday night, Todd and I had a blaaaaast at some fundraiser function for a co-worker's kid. We certainly drank our ticket's worth, I'll tell you what! We were goofy for each other and utterly in love. It's nice to fit in with the group. I love some of his co-workers and they love me. And apparently, some of them think I'm hot. Well VA-VOOM for me! We drove home singing and flirting and loving life and each other...we loved each other A LOT (blush). It paved the way for a solid weekend...which didn't include anything mind blowing (besides getting to put my wedding dress on for a fitting with the shoes and hairpiece) but was certainly productive and rad all around.

On Saturday night, Aiden made note of how cool it was that we were all on the couch together doing something (Todd was watching the Cavs lose, I was sketching, and he was playing some mind-numbing video game). Todd said, "This is how it should be". It was pretty nifty. It's also nifty that we'll be "a family" in 110 days. When I notified Todd of the current countdown, his response was "Hurry". I can't agree more. I can't wait to marry this dude. I don't think anyone else would love my terrible wink or my ridiculous paintings or the way I strip down with record speed and spin in circle in my drawers. He loves the silly and awkward parts of me. He loves the quirks. Doesn't get much better than that.

I hope everyone else out there is OK. I know some people are going through junk and that's just junky. And I know some people are having the time of their lives and that's awesome. I just hope everything evens out for everyone and that no one forgets about me while my back and neck and hands are aching from painting every free moment of my life away. I'll be pretty much missing-in-action for the next 2 months but I'll try and get out when I can to see all of y'all. Gotta poke my head out the Wack-a-Mole hole for an escape every now and again. And don't forget to mark your calendars. If I've ever supported your band or your art or your hobbies or your life...you'll be there.

CANNIBALICIOUS! opening night party
Friday, August 7th @ Low Life Gallery on Waterloo.
7:00 - 11:00
Featuring: Miss Firecracker One-Woman Band!