And here we go. Life's waiting to begin.

My bad mood is officially non-existent and has gone the way of the dinosaurs. I was in a lot of pain and putting myself through mental agony so the next statement may seem insane but maybe this chaos did me good! I fixed things. I apologized. I was assured it wasn't all my fault. I said that it wouldn't happen again because I don't like to be a spazz. I explained myself, no matter how hard that is for me. And for the first time EVER in my current situation, I said EXACTLY what I wanted to say, no matter if anyone wanted to hear it or not. It felt great. It felt like eating a big stack of my dad's pancakes.

Slowly but surely, the damage was repaired. Eventhough I usually feel things are fixed if there's fooling around at work...and there was...this time, I said it wouldn't be until I was invited back into the bed that I felt things were back to normal. And I was.

Today I've had this goofy smile plastered across my mug. I knew as soon as I woke up that it would be a great day and it really has been. I've been laughing and joking and practically glowing. I just know how lucky I am that I had enough hypothetical bandages to fix the wounds I caused by my ridiculous SPAZZ-ASS-NESS. Because I've got something good. Damn good. And I'm going to take the best care of it which is what I should have been doing all along. I have something in my life that makes me excited about every single day...it inspires me...it entertains me...it keeps me warm.

So if you were worried about me...and offered to call my voice mail and sing a new song every time, reasurring me that you know PLENTY of songs...I'm alright now. I was in bad shape but I'm back and better than ever. A lot like *insert celebrity here*.

Up in your arms. Too late to beg you.

I'm having a hard time right now. I had a bad day and a half. There was some erratic behavior on my part, a succession of unnecessary phone calls, and plenty of tears. Phoebe tried to be a comforting friend but I was just in my own world. Stuck in my own head right now. To be honest, I'm terrified, but it's a long story. I can just say that I'm starting to realize how hard it is to need someone. Wanting them is easy. Needing is one of the most frightening things. What if that person goes away? You can easily stop wanting them but how to you stop needing them? But I really didn't and still don't want to get too deep into anything. I'm trying to recover.

I didn't leave my room yesterday...not for too long of a period. I think I went to the bathroom once, took a shower, got a fan from downstairs. Outside of that, I was a television raping zombie. I watched for hours and hours on end. I didn't eat. I had nothing to drink. I haven't slept yet. I think I passed out from exhaustion, boredom and upset for an hour but then I was up. Tossing and turning and sweating and crying. It was not good. Not good news at all. I could have taken sleeping agents to help me out...even my back pills would have gotten me there but for some reason, I wanted to feel bad. Maybe I was punishing myself.

I know this sounds all poetic and depressed and I hate sounding that way. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I have a little case of the blues. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I feel like a total spazz and I'm scared of how my current emotional state is going to affect other people, important people, in my life. I'm barely good at talking let along apologizing but I'm sorry to anyone who may have needed me yesterday that I ignored. I just couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone. There was only one person I wanted to talk to and I knew that wasn't going to happen. I'm feeling a weird sense of shame right now. I am embarrased and ashamed.

I'll feel whole again once I'm back in his bed where I belong.

Rescue me when I get too deep.

I can't wait until Sunday! Carol and I decided to throw an impromptu cookout and Margarita swilling event. I like last minute things. That way I don't obsess over them for weeks and weeks in advance. You can end up being disappointed in the end if you hype things up too much like that. This is going to be a casual, laid back, drunken affair with my nearest and dearest. And there will be chicken!! And sure, the race will be on, but people can deal with that. Deal or die!

I haven't slept in my bed or spent more than a handful of minutes in my own home in days. 5 days to be exact. My cats probably hate my guts and are pooping in all of my shoes as we speak. Rumor has it they've been all lined up on the blankets, staring out into the hallway...waiting for their mama who never comes home. Shame on me. I should be punished for putting sleeping next to a warm and snoring body over my cats.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like I was in an incubator.

It's almost Miller Time! Just wanted to pop in and say WEEEEE!

My life is good. I've got more than anyone should.

So I started working out on Saturday to get rid of my "secretary's ass". I joined a gym at the end of my street that is meathead-free! Screw you, Bally's! I had heard so many horror stories not only about the dudes that work out there and look at the place as a pussy buffet (pardon my French), but also about the chicks that work there and eyeball you if you're packing any pounds. Those are the women that are in stage 3, according to my gym, which is the "maintainance phase". They've shed their pounds, their hot, and they know it. I'm trying to lose weight and tone up which is never easy and can sometimes be slightly embarrassing. I don't need those vipers watching me sweat.

So I love my gym. It wasn't packed, no dudes, no super skinny intimidators, and I got a personal trainer with my package. She'll design a different workout program for me every month to mix things up. We started with cardio and upper body, tomorrow is cardio and lower body, and Thursday is cardio and abs. Then I'm on my own for the rest of my month but I have a handy dandy card listing sets, reps, machine numbers and the like. Pretty nifty. I do have to get weighed and measured every month which can be dreadful but it will also be nice to know some detailed progress...I've always known my pounds lost but never my inches. I want to lose 5-10 pounds by Heavy Rebel. That is my goal. I've got 40 days to make some magic happen! Then I'll let you warsh your clothes on my abs. Won't THAT be kinky and cost efficient?!?

So that's what's going on in my little life currently. I'm pretty excited about it all. Working out is a smart thing to do. Phillie Nelson will back me up there. Speaking of backs, exercise should help strengthen mine which is a mega plus. And it should also help me sleep better, have more energy, and just be in an all-around better mood. Who doesn't want that in their lives? And then I'll be one hot mama at Heavy Rebel! Not that that's what I'm striving for. I've got a guy and he likes my big can. But it will be nice to be bikini-ready...maybe I'll bust out my custom hankerchief halter top again. Bye bye beer belly!! Nice knowing ya!

That sleepwalk should be over by now.

Things are good. So good that you ask someone if you can tell them something "mushy" and they let you. And what you tell them is that you've been having a lot of fun for the past few weeks. They ask you how...what's made you so happy. You tell them that's it's all the time you've been spending together, all the hanging out. And for the past few weeks you've been really happy. They think it's sweet and nice to hear and they thank you for telling them and for putting up with all their bullshit. You tell them it's worth it. They tell you they are proud of you (I'm not going into detail about that) an dthey're not being sarcastic.

And that night, after a horrible 24 hours bout with food poisoning, they ask you to come over and watch movies. They are very attentive to if you need anything since you've been sick and think it's cute that you came over in your pajamas. They let you lay your head on their lap and rub your head and your back. And you get to spend the night all curled up against this person..."drafting" them...and you sleep better than you have in years. But it freaks you out for a second because it's harder to sleep without them now...without "drafting" them...without the alarm clock going off 5,000 times. But then they kiss you and put your arm around you and it almost makes throwing up for 24+ hours worth it.

That was so fucking mushy but I don't even care. Life is good.

I know there's many people like me to be found.

I have a little sand in my vagina. Yeah, you heard me.

I shouldn't be sandy and "not-so-fresh" at all. I'm busy at work every day so the time flies (I'm actually damn busy right now so my fingers need to fly like the wind to get my point across), I've been having tons-o-fun with my friends, and I've been spending a lot of time sleeping in someone else's bed. I've been chipper and smiley and practically radiating sunshine out of my eye sockets. Things have been swell so why all the sand in my crack?

I think some of it still has to do with my mom being so non-chalant about my back. It's REALLY sore today so my pinchers are out and sometimes you just want your mom to ask you if you need anything, even if you'll say 'no'. And she's not very receptive towards the idea of my fella. I know I'm divorced, I know he's divorced, I know she's worried about the kids...and I know she's worried about me, but I need back up. She always talks about a woman at her work who just wants "to find someone". Well, why shouldn't I find someone? I DID find someone after my heart got stomped on. Shouldn't that be a good thing? I think it is.

And I'm a little riled up with a friend right now. Just a LITTLE. I don't want to go into all the gorey details (well, I DO but I won't because this will ALL blow over and I don't need an in-print reminder to rub in her face). The only iota of info I'll give away is that we've had plans to go to a show for MONTHS...that is NOT an exaggeration. MONTHS. And something else is scheduled for that day...and was just scheduled recently...so I bowed out and didn't say anything hostile about it.

NOW...if you're an avid reader...you'll notice that sections are mising. I rarely edit but I decided to exercise that power today because I DID end up going into gorey detail. I figure I should just tell my pal to her face that I'm upset rather than have her read it online. I never get to spend time with her and it's starting to bug me. BUt people change. What can you do? So...EDIT!

And there are other things...regarding my car, my house, my cats, my health, my bank account, my eating habits, my lawn care, my bills, my relocating friends, my bad eyesight, my bad habits...that have become heavy bricks on my back. But don't worry about me AT ALL. Like I said, I have a 90% sand-free vagina so I am very lucky. I've probably just sprung a leak because I'm over-tired. I need some fresh mozzarella, a Pepsi, my pajamas, my bed, my painkillers, and a call from Leo. That sounds like one Hell of a remedy.

So I'm only currently vacationing in Moodytown. I hope I'm not here long.

By the way, I love you, Carol the Shoe. Just wanted you to know.

We don't owe anyone a f*cking explaination.

If you saw how well I've been "going with the flow" these days, you'd give me a gold star to put on my progress chart. And to be honest, things have been been better. Not just with my fella but with my life. If I HAVE an ulcer, maybe it will go away now. Do they just go away on their own? Regardless. Went to Yorko-a-Go-Go with Leo and there was nothing to fret about. He was friendly and social and all my friend treated him well. He didn't stick out because he wasn't the only "stranger" there (I think strangers outnumbered Sharks) and after a few cocktails and some introductions, we moved out of the back corner and into the party.

And what really got me jazzed was that HE had fun! He told Phoebe, he told me. And he seemed to get along with Johnny like they had known each other forever which is VERY important to me! I was actually the one to say it was time to dip...he probably would have stayed all night if I wanted him to. He was affectionate and attentive and friendly and most importantly, 100% himself. He didn't try to impress anyone, he just tried to have fun...and we did. The fun continued on the way home as we talked, talked, talked, talked, talked, watched "Forrest Gump", and 'drafted' each other. I got to stay wrapped in the blankets while he went to work and I got to wake up to flapjacks in bed. It was good stuff. I could handle more good stuff.

The day just seemed to move foreward in that directions. I celebrated margarita month with Tom and Carol (raspberry for me) AND had a GREAT 16 minute conversation with Phoebe that started with her just calling to ask if I was still haveing a great day. And I was! And so was she! It felt a little odd to be so happy and it really shouldn't. She and I deserve to be happy clams all the time. The happier we are in our separate lives, the happier we have in our collective work and home life. It was good to hang with her out and about and not just see her in the cubicle or from the hallway. But I'm off the subject...the day sort of took a dive during a family function. I still feel like I'm not allowed to talk about my back or my boy to my mom. It's not fair. I shouldn't be censored but I am. Luckily, I have my big sis to fall back on. She'll listen and give feedback and even help out. Once again, there's good stuff.

Today is Mother's Day. My cats didn't get me anything and yet, I bought them 3 new litterboxes, a new more expensive litter, and cleaned their basement up for them. I'm unappreciated once again! Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there! Especially my surrogate mom, Becky. I love you.

I have been introduced to secondspin.com and pretty soon, someone will have to take my wallet away. Thanks a lot, Phoebe. You know JUST where to kick me to make it REALLY hurt. You'll feel pretty bad when I can't afford food but have the world's most developed DVD collection. I used to have a pretty bad-ass DVD library when I was married. Every horror movie under the flipping sun was at my fingertips (and, sadly, "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie"). But with the husband went the flicks (I think that actually hurts me more than being abandoned) so I have to rebuild my cinema society. I have recently ordered the following titles for a large fraction of the cost:

Sleepaway Camp [Widescreen]
Friday the 13th: From Crystal Lake to Manhattan
Waxwork/Waxwork II: Lost in Time
Deep Impact [Widescreen]
Mystery, Alaska
Outsiders [Widescreen]
Futurama, Vol. 4 [4 Discs]
Swing Kids
For the Boys

I see slumber party pajama jams in the future. Not in the Futurama.

Nothing can keep me from you.

I entered one of those less than pleasant moods yesterday. I'm sure I was just a delight to be around as I was snapping and pouting and being intolerable. I owe Johnny the best home-made Mexican dinner of his life for being such a grumpy puss. I'm sorry Johnny. Please bare with me. I'll blame my anger and wrath on the fact that I recently got a shot in the ass. It's always nice to have SOMETHING to blame.

Sorry to anyone else I may have recently pissed on.

I have just enough time for dinner and grooming before I head on over to the big, bad, and semi-depressing Yorko-a-Go-Go event. It will make me so hurty to say good-bye to Pete. I'm feeling hurty already. But this is what the boy has got to do so I support him 100%. I thought I would cry when Ben Lybarger moved to Texass but I didn't. I'm pretty sure I can make it through this evening without crying over Pete, too. Because I know he's got bigger, better things ahead of him. He's going to make something of himself and hopefully on that day, I can borrow $20.

This whole "going away" party thing has got me a bit worried though. Not about it being the firts public appearance with Leo or the fact that my ex-husband and his girlfriend will be there. Nothing shallow like that. It's just...are all my friends moving away? Mary moved to DC. Becky moved to Columbus. Ben and Lisa headed to Texas. Now Pete to Rhode Island?!?! Seriously...who is NEXT!?

I do NOT want this to be a trend. I know people can't stay in one place forever (unless they are me and they have Ohio tattooed on their forearm), but there are some people I just can't stand to let go. I'm still having a hard time with Ben being gone. Johnny and I miss him. And I'm being a crummy pal to him and Lisa, I'm sure. It's because it's hard. I don't want to admit that they don't have an Ohio address anymore. I hate Texass and I'm not afraid to say it out loud cause I'm selfish like that.

Little Jen, Tom & Carol, Phoebe...and many more...you leave Ohio and I will raise me some zombies and train them to run, give them your address, and see if you don't come running back...possibly armless and bloodied. Get the picture?

I'm doing OK. Don't you know? Can't you see?

I just laughed, and I mean freaking laughed, like a maniac for 10 minutes straight at work. My face was red, my ribs and diaphragm hurt, and now I feel dizzy. The dizziness isn't good, nor is the nausea, but the side affects are worth it. It was incredible. Phoebe was right here with me, chuckling her head off in the cubicle (the "cool cube", if you're in the know). I'm sure we sounded like two retarded hyenas but man, it was boss. I couldn't even take a work call because I was in such a state of hysterics. There was a lot of hiding my face in my hands and wiping away tears. Awesome.

I was invited over to my fella's on a night her had his kids. There was a fire and marshmallows and I even got roped in to playing some basketball and baseball, if you can believe that. It was cool to be around a family where the father doesn't change much from being his day-to-day self when he switches into "Dad Mode". Aside from a little discipline here and there and concern over if everyone was being safe and playing nice, he was just my regular, ol', guy. And I was pretty gnarly myself. I got good-bye hugs and a jelly bracelet and girls vs. boys about who was going to get to play with me. There's enough of me to go around, little dudes.

Yeah, I even missed the season finale of Gilmore Girls for family time.

I can sense that Phoebe is over at the other desk, preparing to make me chuckle myself into a heart attack again. I'm trying to ignore her presence so that I don't end up losing my mind today. I need to be relaxed today, not amped to the hills. We cancelled Pussyfoot practice since we just busted our asses for two shows and don't have anything lined up for awhile. It's nice to have a hiatus. How will I spent my recently vacant Thursday? Cooking a Mexican feast for my boy Johnny Switchblade and abusing the Netflix while in my pajamas.

Speaking of Netflix, what a dud that gay cowboy movie was! I fast forwarded through most of it and cursed the rest. What a let down! I mean, GAY COWBOYS! It should have been mind-blowing but it wasn't. I gave it 1 star and wrote a rather test two cents review. Don't watch it. Fo' shizzle. Do something constructive like nap. Or wash your underpants. Or take out the garbage. Or poke your pets with a stick. Just don't watch it. You'll thank me. Even if you want a rodent to make my skull into a condo.

Yorko-a-Go-Go tomorrow. First Ol' Kentucky Sharks function with Leo.

There goes my radio-active bile. Wish me luck.

I guess I'll be with you 'til the end.

I've been such a happy clam. Can this feeling last?

I've decided that the best thing ever is staying up until 6:00am, drinking Coors Light in my pajamas under a Spongebob Square Pants blanket in my fellas basement, listening to a really bad radio station, running my mouth off and/or listening intently, "drafting" each other, and not waking up alone. THAT is the best thing EVER.

Unless you compare it to coming back much later that evening and very quietly watching Sunday night cartoons while eating french fries and ice-cream cones, snuggled up on the couch. Cause that's pretty good stuff right there, too. Especially when you get kissed and hugged...a good, tight, lengthy hug...in the driveway where anyone driving by could see you.

"Seeing" someone is great. Meeting their kids and having them not despise you is pretty cool, too. Going to Detroit Motor Speedway for the race next month, driving up together, and sleeping in a tent in the infield is relatively boss. Asking your fella to go with you to an Ol' Kentucky Sharks function for the first time, having him say "yes", and knowing that he's probably as nervous as you is kinda neat.

Knowing I'm going to get a phone call pretty soon isn't hurting any.

I've got two nickles and you've got a dime.

Hicks-n-Chicks Night @ the Beachland Tavern!
Saturday, May 6th.
9pm. $6

Featuring:
The Legendary Hucklebucks
The Pussyfoot Girls
Slack-Jawed Yokels
Honkeytonk Damnation

I am doing a solo dance tonight. Do you think it's ready? If you placed your bets on "no", you'd be a winner. It's not even close to done. Not even a teeny weenie little ittiest bit. I think the closest I have come to making any progress is that I got my friends to empty out the wine bottles that I'm using for props, I practiced potential moves in a bar bathroom (yes, I was at a bar...two bars, actually...when I should have been practicing), and I watched the Carmen Electra Strip Tease Workout video to see what moves I could snatch. That's about it. I'm a fucking dud.

So of course, I'm totally stressing about getting my moves made up, memorized, and nailed down by tonight and somewhere in there, I have to fit in some sleep. I got about 3 hours on Thursday, 3 hours last night, and here I am, and have been since 6:00am, at work. Clearly, I am not working hard. I also have to get a skirt and get some kicks and I have absolutly ZERO time to be shopping. I am not a good shopper, especially under pressure. I don't know what I was thinking. I always put things off until the last flipping minute and I am kicking myself square in the rear this time. However, I DID make up "Dr. Velvet" in an hour and a half. PRAY that this genius smiles down on me today.

But come out to the Beachland anyway. Chaos will no dount ensue.

You just made my heart go throb.

Phoebe had to fire someone today as a means of expressing that we are the management and we deserve some respect! We do not sit at our cubicles and play Barbies while all the dudes run around lifting cars with their teeth and beating on their chests. We keep this big rig rollin' and we can't do that will any flat tires. Good job, Phoebe.

And that's just one snippet in a week's worth of drama at the Circle Shamrock. People around here talk smack. Whether it's to puff themselves up or because they're jealous, I don't know. All I know is that my little boy/girl thing almost got royally effed in the rear because people have to chitter chatter all the time and when they do, they tend to embelish or flat out lie. It's embarrassing. It causes me to cry and make heated phone calls to get the story straight. Somewhere in there, my head falls off, too. And even though I'm assured that everything's swell and this is what's what, it makes me nervous all weekend. I hate drama. I'd like to save it for your mama but I guess it can't be avoided sometimes.

All really is well since I recieved a post-road trip "just checking to make sure you got home OK" ringy dingy. And speaking of "you can Altoona guitar but you can't Altoona fish"...I was terrified that my personal tragedies would interfere with my Altoona, PA Pussyfootin' but the show went off without a hitch. I was afraid of the new metal listenin', Budweiser swillin', jocky crowd but they liked us...even their bleach blonde chickadees. But a word of advice...don't eat Applebee's before you have to wear tight clothes and shake what the devil gave you. It's harder to do than one would imagine as pre-shimmy Applebee's causes girls to get gassy. So hooray for Altoona...and for Hucklebuck Ted since he bought me a shirt when I was in desperate need to free myself from a corset...and a big yeehaw for the Hicks-n-Chicks show ripping Cleveland a new one this upcoming Saturday.

I skipped Mad Sin on Monday. You might say I'm not a rocker.

Sometimes something else comes up that is so enticing, you have to choose what would be more beneficial to you in the long run. I managed to find a way to juggle driving to the Beachland, enjoying 3 beers, rockin' out with my little sis to Lords of the Highway and heading to Garfield to watch Oblongs in a comfy bed with a comfy fella. I had the best of both worlds that night and I have zero regrets about missing Mad Sin. Having a good Monday is an important element in fashioning your week. Besides, I can see Mad Sin again unless Germany evaporates or something. And they're no Demented Are Go, if we're going to get technical.

And yesterday...hot dog! I have one religious diety or another smiling down on me these days. I had a very long, but semi-entertaining, work day and combining that with my night time activies (we just played Twister, I swear!), I was drained. I pictured barely making it to the couch before I passed out. Instead, I left work to hang with my sister, followed by picking up two pizza pies for my Tuesday dinner/fresh new Gilmore Girls with Johnny. Good call. Speaking of calls, out of the clear blue sky, I get a fella phone call...followed by another...followed by another...followed by another (though this one was slightly intoxicated...and I was on pain killers). I was missed.

Combined, they were fantastic chat sessions. I thing things may be fixin' to change...or at least we're getting closer. Something's going on cause I'm gonna meet me some offspring tomorrow night (yes, the bile is rising in my throat). I"m full of nerves but the rush will be good. And it's not something I can avoid. He told me if I was a wreck, I didn't have to come over. But he didn't have to invite me either. So I'm going. I need to conquer some of these fears. I won't be riding any huge roller coasters any time soon but I can meet some kids. They're just kids, right? :::shutter:::


He asked me what I want out of life in the long run.

That would be one Hell of a list.