Emotions ahead. If you gave a Crock Pot, I suggest you use it now.
Yesterday was one of the most intense and emotional days of my life and I'm really not a fan of emotions on the weekend. A lot of things I didn't want to admit or didn't want to discuss or didn't want to deal with or didn't want to believe came to the table and there was really no way to get out of it alive. OK, so maybe I got out of it alive, but I'm certainly wounded and after having water leak out of my eye cokets for a majority of yesterday and this morning, I am certainly swollen and red. Point by point, the following is what has kicked me in the back of the knees:
-Things are being kept from me. Some kids say it's so I don't get hurt. Some kids just don't think twice about the fact that said things may hurt my feelings. Some kids just don't give a rat's ass and they'll do what the want regardless. All of this has brought to the forefront that people I've know and cared about have changed. Situations have changed. Relationships have changed. And while I don't want my friends to totally shut my ex out of their lives, it would be nice if they could just hold off awhile so I can get used to things. It's like getting a knife in the chest when everyone in the world can have a relationship with him except you. I thought people would get how hard that might be for me but then again, people shock the Hell out of me all the time. Being the last to know does more damaged. This is coming from the source you're trying to protect. Well, some of you, anyway.
-Finally resolved my issue with Lisa Marie. It upset me a ton that she didn't seem to have any compassion for what I was going through. Well, she didn't understand how bad I am feeling and after a 2 hour conversation, she does now. She understands where I am coming from and why I am hurting and she is being a truly excellent friend. A good listening ear, ready with the feedback, armed with compassion. She refered to herself as a combo tampon/Maxi bad/full coverage bra/sunglasses...everything I need right now...well, symbolic of what I need any how. I know it's a challenge for her as well because she is great friends with my ex...she has to balance both of us and deal with our garbage. But now at least she knows that I love my ex and any hurt that I am experiencing and any anger I may be projecting is because I lost the most important thing in my life...
-...which bring us to this point. I am not NEARLY as OK with this junk as I thought. During the now famous 2 hours, crying my eyes out conversation that took place yesterday, a lot of things came out that I haven't said to anyone. I had to empty myself out so she could know where my hurt is coming from. And what it boils down to is this: I am still in love and it was foolish for me to think otherwise, especially after such a short period of time. I miss my friend. I miss having him in my life. And maybe I am jealous that everyone in the world can have a relationship with him and I CAN'T because I CAN'T just be friends. We were never friends only. We met, I brought him home, I fell in love. Simple as that. Somewhere in there, friendship grew. Alicia, who made the best effort to cheer me up, made some comment at Pussyfoot practice that I will find that perfect guy that I click with and all I could manage to get out was, "He's my guy".
-I did NOT fight hard enough. I accepted defeat. I quit. And now I have to live with that. Lisa said that I DID fight as hard as I could...tooth and nail. But it's not true. He was too angry at me to really give our marriage his all and accepted that as enough. And it wasn't. There was so much good there and I let him throw it away.
-This is not just difficult for me. He feels the heat. His friends feel the heat. My friends feel the heat. My parents feel the heat. My entire family feels the heat. I haven't been a very good friend to a lot of people recently. I know that and I apologize. But I need to say that none of this is funny, at all. I may make jokes about my divorce but really, it's not funny. It's killing me inside. And I may be out and about, flirting and talking about dating and what not but...that is also by no means cute and funny. There is nothing entertaining about the fact that I kiss another's girl's boyfriend just so I don't have to feel like running away every minute of the day. I am trying to be as strong as possible...I think I've done a pretty good job. But this is difficult...I could use more support from my "friends". I get it some places but not in all the places I need.
-I take responsibility in my part of the divorce. It is not all his fault. I made plenty of my own mistakes and I'll feel God awful about them forever. But on the flip side, I was always working. When I made mistakes, I tried to fix them. When he made mistakes, I tried to fix them. I wanted this. I wanted this life. I wanted this guy. Sometimes, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for this, I wonder if I wouldn't cut off one of my toes to give it another shot. But the bottom line on this topic is that I did NOT want a divorce. I may take responsibility for some of my actions leading us there, but the call was his. If they would have asked me if this is what I wanted...100% of me would have wanted to say no.
I think that may be all I have to address right now. Just needed to get some of this stuff off of my chest. I am not OK with this. I, myself, am NOT OK. I am in pain. I am hurting. I am missing an entire half and I am fairly certain that I can't feel any more empty. This isn't even 1/4 of the story, as Lisa can tell you, but it's what I can say without cracking up for good.
I am sad.
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