And everything's turned upside down.

I love you, Pussyfoot Girls. I am very proud of all of us. We rocked the big stage without many of our close, personal dudes there. We really earned those applause. We performed to a new crowd and I think we pulled it off. I still can't believe I wore that outfit but when Potsie said I looked like a pin-up girl, well, how could I NOT wear it? I'm sure there's a seat in Hell reserved for me now! But I had a lot of fun and I love each and every one of you fiesty chicks. It is my pleasure to perform with you every time. Even that really HORRIBLE time! I am truly looking forward to November and December's shows. VIVA LA PUSSYFOOT!

Tomorrow is my second favorite day of the year (nothing surpasses February 7th...NOTHING) and I'm feeling slightly blue about it. I went to the traditional family Halloween function today which I usually love and felt so out of sorts. I really felt like I had no one to talk to. Everyone had someone and I was just...me...the girl whose mother forbids her to date (thinks it's too soon, which it may very well be) and makes her feel like she probably never WILL date and that getting married again is pretty much out of the question and won't be taken seriously just like the FIRST marriage...the one that failed. I really haven't felt this alone in awhile and the sting is unbareable.

It really hit me today that I don't have a family. My mom has her husband and her kids. My oldest sister has her husband and her kids. My other sister has her husband and her kids. In fact, everyone there had a spouse and kids and a life that didn't include being a 26 year old, divorced, part-time go-go dancer with exceptionally big hair, lots of tattoos, and championship drinking skills. Even my 16 year olf nephew has had the same girlfriend for over a year with no signs of a break up! I don't have a family. I had a husband and he didn't want me. I think I had a gut check moment about that today. My husband didn't want me...he threw me away. The one person out there that DOES want me (and I want as well...because believe me, there are some real duds out there that want me) can't REALLY be with me. So where does that leave me? Alone. And it rots.

I'm not having a pity party so I hope it doesn't sound that way. I'm just feeling awfully blue right now. Tomorrow, I probably won't dress up or do anything fancy at all where Halloween is concerned. I'm going to pass out candy for the first time at my new digs which is exciting but instead of spending the evening at Groovie Ghoulies (don't want to see my ex and his new broad when at this time last year, he returned home from Groovie Ghoulies with arm loads of gifts for me because I was so missed), I'll be spending 45 minutes with Johnny Switchbalde, my new trainer, turning fat into muscle and getting cut. I need to do something to change my 'tude and I think better thighs might help in that department. The rest of my Halloween will probably find me buried under my blankets watching 'Poltergeist'.

At least it's almost N4 and plan A1, B1 or B2, or C will take place.

If you know, you know.

Get's real mad when I get drunk-o-matic.

Want to have your mind completely blown? Try and wrap it around this. From November 7th to November 18th (that's a 12 day span), I will be going to 9 shows!! 9 shows in 12 days. What a power house! This may be my crowning achievment. This may forever solidify my rocker status. I've been slacking but this might just pull me out from the pits. And quite the assortment too. Can I get a yeehaw?!? I DO need some companions for certain shows. Please feel free to step up.

Where you will find me during the 12 days of Rockmas:
11/7: Hank III @ the Grog Shop.
11/8: OKGO @ the Grog Shop.
11/9: Blasters @ the Grog Shop (might be sacrificed).
11/10 - 11/12: Horrible Fest @ various locations.
11/13: Rasslin' @ the Beachland Ballroom.
11/16: Quintron and Miss Pussycat @ the Grog Shop.
11/18: Sasquatch and teh Sick-a-Billies @ Beachland Tavern.

Speaking of shows.

Our Pussyfoot show on Saturday night was...interesting...to say the very least. I think we put on quite the show, per usual, but this being a private party (for Jimbo's home coming), I'm not sure how well-recieved we were. 4 gals prancing around in their britches to the best rock-n-roll around...in front of grandma and grandpa and some disapproving folk. Yikes. Usually, no matter who's watching, we have fun. I think this may have been the first time we let the heat get to us and didn't have such a swell time.

But we're not going to let one show break our spirits. Every band (and what not) has shady shows. It happens. We did it for Jimbo and that's what counts. We're going to bounce back for Devil Doll (this Saturday at the Beachland Ballroom) and bounce back even HIGHER for the Rockbailly Holiday which we will be performing at AND hostessing this winter. Don't fret. This isn't the last you've seen of The Pussyfoot Girls (even if you were PRAYING we'd go away). As the wise Dave Sasquatch once said, we must get our slights and downfalls and use it as fuel to be bigger and better next time around...help it bring us to that next level.

Next level...here come The Pussyfoot Girls!

They're big and round. They're all around.

Quick summary?

I'm still in cheese sandwich despite people's efforts to squash my (unrealistic) dreams. I can live with that. What I can't live without (for the time being) is the thrill I get from this fella. He's worth the risk...risking my heart splitting in two, never to rejoin again. I even discovered the lengths to which I'd go to save his life. But I don't want to make all y'all throw up.

I do have a lot on my mind. It's very crowded and it's giving me a headache. But everyone suffers. It's the American way!

Had Pussyfoot practice tonight in preparation for Jimbo's Welcom Home shin-dig this weekend and opening up for Devil Doll at the Beachland (main stage, baby) next Saturday, the 29th. We're using our Lime Spider set but we have big things planned for the Rockabilly Holiday this winter. A taste or two? You might see a new closing number. You might see some individual dishes (I'm tossing around the idea of using "Orgasomatic" by The Heptanes or "Get On Your Knees" by Devil Dogs). You might even see some tight skirts and tight sweaters. Just know that you'll be entertained. Not sure if that's good or bad for YOU but we always have a damn good time,a s They Might Be Giants, and countless others, would say.

Tomorrow, there's a pajama jam at my house for any of my nearest and dearest. Eating Chinese food and watching "A Dirty Shame" in our pajamas at The Ol' Kentucky Shark Corral. More info if you ask reeeeeaaaaaal nice!

Chicken on the fire. Object of my desire.

I survived the weekend to everyone concerned about me. I am alive.

While Friday night's pre-wedding party was a blast and a half (I was blanketed in people who love and take care of me), the actual wedding was a bit rougher on me than I had predicted. Luckily, I had Switchblade (he can actually be quite comforting when he needs to be) and Potsie (my mother truckin' hero) there to take care of me and I came out on top. I can't see myself having to deal with the ex (or his new girlfriend who was in attendance for the wedding) any time soon. And to be honest, when Ben and Lisa move (sniff sniff), I can't really see running into him anywhere but the occasional show...not at any social engagements anyway. We don't share many common friends these days. So...my heart is on the mend. My wedding bell blues was merely a slip up!

I was invited out for a post-work cocktail with the man I cheese sandwich. I figure I am really falling hard because I could sit there and listen to him talk forever. It's like my favorite thing to do. He's helping me become a championship listener. He's helping me do a lot of things I didn't think I could do. Swoon.

But what's really important is taking the time to congratulate Ben and Lisa and thank them for letting me be a part of their special day. It was a great event. Sorry if I got too drunk. But where Lisa is concerned, I'm not sure there's any such thing as TOO drunk! Anyway, thanks guys. Deep down under all of my anti-marriage layers, I'm truly happy for you.

I am fairly certain I am going to toss. Chicken fingers ain't sittin' pretty.

She's touring the facility and picking up slack.

Today things were slightly odd between me and my fella. Phoebe sent me a text message that put my mind temporarily at ease: "I'm sure he is just thinking too much. He faxes you. Don't sweat it". 'Fax' is the Phoebe version of 'cheese sandwich'. I don't know if she really thinks that (about all the faxing going on) or if she was trying to appease me because my mind is going one bazillion miles an hour about the subject and I have ENOUGH on my plate for the weekend. I don't think she'd say it unless she thought there was a chance. Regardless, the sentiment totally made me want to fax her a cheese sandwich.

And why will this weekend me so tuff for me?

To be honest, I shouldn't even be ON HERE! I snuck out of work early just because I have one gazillion things to do and sadly, I do not have one gazillion hours to do them in. I think I just need a half an hour or so to chill and get my head in the game or I'm liable to fucking explode between now and Monday. I don't think anyone wants that. Blood and brains never look good on a wedding dress. Here's how my whirlwind of a weekend is shaping up:

Friday: Tonight is the pre-wedding party which Johnny is sure witll be "a rager". I am on snack patrol. Crossing my fingers that my ex-husband won't be there but won't sweat it if he is. I have lots of back up to help me be comfortable. But while that event will be FUN...there is so much to do BEFORE! I need to clean my car out, clean up my house (which is bieng turned into a hotle over the weekend, or so it seems), go to the bank, go get snacks...sheesh! Can't stay out toooo late cause I plan on cutting loose tomorrow, which is...

Saturday: ...wedding day. Pre-wedding, I have to finishin cleaning, get some beverages for my guests, dye my hair, buy birthday presents for my nephews, get a wedding card, go get my hair DONE, bathe, paint toenails, have a manicure, groom in general, dress, make sure my date doesn't have a hangover and has at least brushed his hair, and get to the place on time and PRAY Alicia doesn't forget my fan (I don't want to be the only bridesmaid without a fan). OH! And I CAN NOT forget Ben's gold tossing coins. DAMN IT!

Why do they leave things to remember up to the person with the WORST MEMORY?!? The wedding will rock as long as I don't trip and eat dirt. But being at a wedding...with my ex-husband...it's going to kill. Hardcore. And no one will understand how I feel. Luckily, I have a kick-ass date (who assured me he's been practicing his cuddling for afterwards), Phoebe will be there to tell me to stand up straight, the Shoe-Lanes ALWAYS have my back...so I should be OK. Even when Ben talks about divorce in his vows. It's just...this guy...my ex...it hurts. But it's getting better thanks to a healthy heaping of cheese sandwiches!!! After I DON'T TRIP walking down the aisle and walk out arm-in-arm with Dennis A. Bell, I'm gonna get drunk, I'm gonna dance with Phoebe and Danny, and I'm going to hit Sugarball's gong with my ASS! YEEEEEEEHAW!

Sunday: If i'm still alive on Sunday, I have to go to a family function for my rocker nephew followed by the post-wedding brunch at Tom and Carol's. The rest of the day...recovery. I'll need it. Fuck Human Eye and Kill the Hippies, man. There's no way I can swing that...rocker or not. Plus, I'm not sure I can take three days in a row of my ex-husband. My hearts healing but for fuck's sake, it's not made of chrome.

So...there you have it. Three days of insanity.

And besides all that, I have an elephant sitting on my brain.

An elephant eating a cheese sandwich.

If you want it enough to cry for it, you'll find love.

Let's get right to the point. No pussyfooting around.

I can't say the "L" word. You know the one. No, not "lesbian". The OTHER "L" word. The "I *insert L word here* you" word. Even with my husband, I had to psych myself up when I wanted to say it because we just never did...ever. It made me feel like a loser to be honest.

But I WANT to be able to say it! Maybe not ALL the time so it loses it's meaning, like the phrase "cheese sandwich" (if you haven't seen the movie "Love & Sex", see it...it's witty and funny and charming and brilliant and I love Phoebe for making me watch it). In fact, I am going to say " I cheese sandwich you" or just plain old "cheese sandwich" to express my sentiments from now on.

I mean, I can say love. LOVE LOVE LOVE! Just not to a man that I love or, as we learned today, to THE man that I love. I know you're probably flipping out and wondering how the HELL I can be in love so out of the blue or WHY I'm in love with the dude I am. It's not so out of the blue...it's been growing and festering and oozing.

Boy oh boy, did I start pussyfootin' or what?!?! I think I'm still in shock.

I spilled my guts today. Gave my heart to someone which I didn't really think was possible. But never said the "L" word. I danced around it and I am NOT a good dancer. Early on, I said I had something to tell him...managed to drag that out all day. He told me that I could tell him anything. He suspected that maybe I had "found someone". He was expecting the worst. Finally, after many start-n-stop moments, many deep breaths, him patiently waiting but impatiently wondering and saying, "What does it SOUND like?"...I said the following brilliant words...

"It sounds like 'I think...', well, it's SIMILAR to 'I think...I like you A WHOLE LOT'...but it's WAY bigger than that". (Translations: I think I'm falling in love with you).

And then I ran away.

Smooth, huh?

No matter how ridiculous the whole mess was, he didn't avoid me. He called me and laughed with me about it...seemed genuinely stunned but not against it. Wanted to talk more about my semi-cryptic message but respected that I just COULDN'T at the moment because I was FREAKING...like it was the first time I had "cheese sandwich"-ed a guy. In all actuality, I'm not getting my hopes up that he will "cheese sandwich" me or that anything more that what HAS happened WILL happened...but my Ipod does (wink). But I said what I needed to say...or at least a version of it.

AND I FEEL INVINCIBLE!

Please stay. You're too old to run away.

Friday night was out of sight!

Jimbo is home!!! And I am an honorary Hissem! I passed out on him circa 4:00a on the way home from the Wayne Hancock show. It was a fantastic evening. I got to dance with Greg Yanito, Cleveland's best dancer, which made me feel like a princess. He is a smooth character. I also saw my pal Aaron Weiss for the first time sine I declared that he was my current crush. That is NOT a bad thing. Crushes are healthy. Still...he may have been uncomfortable. Not sure. Either that or, as Ashlee suggested, he's retarded. I guess they're playing the Jigsaw's grand opening with us. That should be a hoot and a half. I'd claim I'd stay sober but that's a lie. I need liquid courage to shake my groove thang.

And that Jigsaw business is news in itself! We were asked to play the grand opening of the Jigsaw's concert venue. I'm pretty jazzed. The line-up thus far is Honkeytonk Damnation, Whiskey Daredevils, and The Pussyfoot Girls...and I guarantee it will be a damn fine show. We get better and better as the seconds go by. And besides playing Jimbo's welcome home party, we're also the hostesses of the Rockabilly Holiday. Pretty swanky indeed! We hope to see you at both the Jigsaw and the Beachland!!! Don't you want to see us strut our stuff?

Tonight I went to see Reigning Sound at the Beachland and while they were fantastic, they were not worth $12 and they didn't even play GET IT!!! But I did talk to Greg Oblivian after running back to the Beachland since I didn't close my tab. No matter how many times I remind myself...oh well. My arch-enemy was at the show but that was fine. I'm over it. I'm over that whole period in my life. I've moved on to bigger, better, and more confusing times in my life, no doubt! I don't need to worry about small fries.

I DID get to hear "We Repel Each Other" which reminds me of my relationship with my ex-husband...something I never want to be reminded of. But he literally slipped in my head and out in a span of 3.7 seconds. I am beginnning to think I am on way to being totally over it. My heart belongs to someone else (no matter how sick and twisted that is) and I can't even really remember why I loved him in the first place. I just know that all this Ben and Lisa wedding stuff is going to be rough. Watching my friends exchange goofy words of love and commitment, standing across from the man I loved and wanted a life with...it's all so mess up. But what can a girl do?

Looks like Johnny and I MIGHT be on the mend. I haven't decided yet. It seemed pretty much like old times but I could still see him saying he didn't want to be "best friends" and that puts a sour taste in my mouth.

When did living get so hard?

My love must be a kind of blind love.

I could have gone to see Throw Rag tonight but, hmph, they are NOT worth twelve bones. And I really didn't want to see my ex-husband there. Especially not after a pre-wedding informational jam session. All I thought about was my own wedding and how my fella didn't even seem that interested...he didn't even take a shower that day. Double hmph. I was feeling pretty low. Was pretty snippy. If I would have seen him, it would have made me feel worse and I would have been filled with hate and loathing and disgust. I don't need my pals to see my like that.

What did I do instead???

I went to a bar with Carol and we ranted and raved and ate and drank beer! And Tommy Bones showed up and we drank more beer and did a shot! It was a fantastic evening. If I would have come home, I would have been kicking myself for letting my ex-husband indirectly didctate my social engagements. It's bad enough I'll have to see him at the pre-wedding party next weekend AND the wedding. I mean, I seriously don't need to punch myself in the face on PURPOSE. For real. And Throw Rag wasn't even that good last time I saw them.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Tonight ended up being a good night. Good end to a good day all around. First a boy passes me a note, then I find out The Pussyfoot Girls may be playing the grand opening of The Jigsaw's brand new concert venue, then I get officially paired up with DAB for the wedding, and then I get to go out with the coolest couple in town. AND Potsie sent me text messages about thongs!!! Sweet!!! It really was a good day.

Now if I could only find a better, sexier dress to wear to the wedding. I thought I had something good looking but it doesn't match up. So it looks like I'll have to go shopping. OH DRAT!!!

Put your lips to mine with your kiss of fire.

Today, a boy passed me a note. It was very fifth grade. I like to tell people that it happened between history and geometry. We pretended like we didn't even see each other and then there was the switch. It went off without...well...a hitch. Didn't plan on rhyming there. Swooooon!

Can a heart still break once it's stopped beating? The age old question.

Had a hot date last night...with Miss Phoebe Bean! She doesn't want me to be her girlfriend though. Boo. We ate way too many movie snacks (she blames me for her new buttery popcorn and Snow-Caps obsession...I like a 5 kernal to 3 cap ration) and saw "Corpse Bride". It is not a movie divorced girls should see. It's nuts to think that a movie about a boy accidentally marrying a dead girl could reflect your life so perfectly...but it did...and it broke my heart all over again. But then a boy passed me a note. Swoooooooon!

There was this whole sequence where Emily, the Corpse Bride, was coming to terms with her life/death/whatever. And she said, "I was a bride once and my dreams were taken from me. Now I am taking someone else's. I love you...but you're not mine". OUCH! Hit me where it hurts. Made me start revaluate things that are currently going on in my life or had gone on at the beginning of this year. I felt very small and jerky. Almost couldn't fall asleep...HA HA HA! That was so a lie. I can sleep anywhere at any time! But I did feel slightly awful...until a boy passed me a note...and then I didn't care how my dreams were previously crushed or if I was crushing someone else's. All I did was swooooooooooon!

Swoon! Swoon! Swoon!

CAP GUN COWBOYS' LAST STAND TOMORROW NIGHT!

I'll be there in my horse shoe skirt. Will you? I mean, not in my skirt. Will you be there at the VENUE saying good-bye to Greg and HELLO to JIMBO? Rocking to CGC'c cover of "My One Desire". You should be. And we should dance!

I'll give you strength. I'll help you carry on.

My friends, the Ol' Kentucky Sharks, all chipped in and bought me a beautiful accoustic Fender for my housewarming with a card that read, "So you can rock more than you already do". I wanted to cry but opted to hold on to the guitar that I named Joe Strummer and just drink it all in. I now know for certain...for the first time in my life...that these people are going to be in my life forever. Not just because they buy me things (though that IS nice), but because they inspire me, make me laugh, support me and so much more. They are the most incredible group of people I have ever known, those crazy Sharks, and I think that if I hadn't gone through the horrific year I have, I might not appreciate them as much as should and as much as I do. Maybe what's happened to me DID happen for a reason...so I would finally find a place where I belong. So outside of a broken toe and a burned elbow (insane combination and I have no explaination), it was the best party I've ever had.



Thanks for everything, Sharks. I would like to have all of your babies.

As I recall, you've got what I need!

Good morning, Sunshine! It's par-tay day!

House Warming Party To-Do List:
-go to work before the sun even comes up.
-dick around in the warehouse.
-drive to Massillon to deliver a couch.
-eat a quick brunch.
-eat a piece of cake.
-take a MUCH needed nap.
-pray that Phoebe does the shopping because I don't want to.
-finish cleaning my room.
-make a party play list.
-shower and groom.
-put my tiara on.
-say, "I hear Carol!!!".
-DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
-DANCE!
-FREAK OUT when Crazy Danny shows up!
-kiss and hug Crazy Danny LIKE CRAZY!
-do shots.
-mingle.
-act a fool with Ben Lybarger.

And everything after that will be a BLUR!

It's about time for a party at my house and it wouldn't be the same without you. No, not at all! As I recall...