Sunday, March 02, 2008

I'd rather leave than ever believe.

Once again, I've been a miserable blogger but honestly, boring you to death is not at the top of my priority list. Yeah, I've got priorities. I've also got a papercut that I sustained at Dick's Sporting Goods. What's it to ya?! Ahhhh...I'm just being nasty and snappish and I need to stop. Truth is, I've put off writing about recent effed up events and I just need to. I just need to flush out my system. It's how I roll. I guess I just didn't want t'o admit that things are the way they are but they ARE. I for sure didn't want to admit that I've given up the fight but I have. I've given up.

I've already blathered on and on about how sick I was and there's not much point in discussing how I still don't feel like I've bounced back. I don't really feel like talking about the issues I'm having in school, how this semester may be a wash, how I'm thinking of changing majors yet again. I've pretty much forgotten about how miserable my old job made me because I am dealing with the nerves of a new job (that's I'm pretty sure I like so far...I'm certainly having fun with some of the people there). It's the last thing that's eating me alive. The "former relationship" thing. The "break up" thing. I just didn't want to blog about another X amount of years down the tubes. 3, by the way. 3 years down the drain.

I'm not going to go into the ultra gorey and painful details. I just can't rehash all that right now or anymore. I think it's difficult to break up with someone if you've dated for 5 minutes or 5 years, whether you were madly in love or not that interested. No one likes to break up. No one is good at it. When I was having some really rough spots with this, someone said to me, "Sometimes it hurts the most when you've doing the right thing". I can't remember who said it and I know I didn't quote you correctly. But you're right. I had to break up and it was one of the hardest things to do. But I was in too much pain and was become unrecognizable to myself. I want ME back. But what hurts is...I know I'm not an EX collector. When I break up...I break up. My ex-boyfriends are not lingering around. Not seeing this person...ouch. I'm dealing with a lot of pain but comes in waves these days.

My mom reminded me that when I got divorced, I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I just wanted to stop breathing or go into a temporary coma. But eventually, it all got better and I moved on. It's just virtually impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnle at this time. I think I'm handling this better than I have past break-ups. I've tried to be respectful of his feelings but to be firm in my beliefs. I know there was nothing I could have done differently. I was a good girlfriend. I asked for nothing but respect and love. I guess we were just a square peg and a round hole. It smarts. It stings. I have a great support system friends and family are being supportive and not condescending. I was very much in love so the last thing I need is anyone making me feel like this is nothing. And I don't want myself or anyone to make HIM feel like HE is nothing. He knows what he needs to know, I poured out my heart. It doesn't need to be rubbed in. Despite all that happened, the idea that he is hurting hurts me, too. It's so hard.

So right now I'm just trying to take this time to figure out my life. Do some things I miss doing...going to shows, painting, working on Shark Attack! and PFG, having movie days where I never leave the couch, having insane amounts of fun fun fun. I want to rock out and dance and hang out with my pals and the Ol' Kentucky Sharks. I want to spend time in my kick ass house...nesting, I guess. I want to work hard at my job and get school and my health back on track. I want to work out with Tommy Bones and start feeling good in my skin again and THEN I want to wear itty bitty bikinis and short shorts and tight red, plain pants from H&M. I want to hold my head up high like I used to. And eventually...I want to make out. For days.

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