Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tonight my nightgown is in knots.

I feel like all the heat in my body is trying to escape out the top of my head. There should be little menthol vapors hovering above me. I feel all trippy when I'm not at work these days. All vapory and woozy. Like I'm here in my body but I'm really not. I'm really in Vegas and wearing really short shorts. It's hard to explain right now. I think the honest truth is that post-recent emotional outbursts, I'm shutting down more and more. I freak out and feel like my heart will stop beating and that I'll drown. Those human feelings are fewer and further between and the robot-y feelings are closer and closer together. I hope I can at least be a drinking robot like Bender.

I haven't been sleeping very well and I love sleeping more than anything else. It's my favorite past time besides day-dreaming which usually leads to sleeping. And how much time I spend sleeping is not because I'm depressed, even if I am right now. It's because I'm in love with pajamas and pillows and blankets. My cats crawl in, the tube is on, my breathing is depressed and it's lights out! But right now, it's vampirish and semi-gothy. And I'm sure that my lack of sleep is due to the fact that my life has changed so incredibly much since 2008 kicked in. Things I never thought would happen even if deep down in I my rotoic heart and brain I should have known they would, HAVE happened. And it's only been 2008 for 50 days. Holy pancakes!

The routines of the past 3 years of my life have been completely erased. I don't work where I worked for 3 years any longer. I'm not planning a future with the person I was planning a future with for the past 3 years any longer. It's all making my head spin. Maybe that's why I feel like vapors and heat are escaping from my skull. Maybe it's my emotions because I have been through ENOUGH in my life, no matter what anyone thinks. I just want to shut down, put in my time, and never make a new connection with anyone ever again. Cause one minute they're here and the next they're gone (and this has to do with my old job and my former mate...you can't trust anyone). I can't take that anymore. I'm not built Ford tough. I'm not built like a tank neither. Or a Hummer. I've got to adjust to my new routine and try not to cumble. I'm a strong person underneathe all this fluff, otherwise I would have taken a flying leap a few years back. I just hope my transition to robot kicks in soon.

A wise woman recently told me to follow her mother's advice: act like you're worth a million bucks...and find a man who will treat you like two million.

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