Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.

Are you ready for the update of all updates? Do you have a cocktail in your hand? Is your cigarette lit? Are you shaking in antici...pation? Of course not! Because this is a blog and the only person who will care about this in the future is me when I've got fake jugs, orange lipstick, and a voice much like Johnny Cash from the whiskey and smokes. But fasten your seatbelts. There's a lot to take in. And momma's gonna give it to ya! And now, back to the show.

FRIDAY 2/24/06: Friday...otherwise known as "All Hell Breaks Loose" day. I thought things were going swimmingly. Cocktails at the local dive...the "usual", if you will...with my fella and some friends. After a plot to steal a map goes sour, I find myself in my car, screaming and crying and thinking, "How DID I get back here??". Next thing I know, I'm at all THREE of my doors but no key in sight! I try to find solace in my sparring partner but that's worthless as he's passed out on the floor of his house. And sleeping in the freezing cold car (as well as peeing in the yard) were utter failures. So I'm on my way to a lame ass bar to have my roomie meet me on the street with a key. It was a misery of an evening and I had no idea how things were going to unfold with the man in my life. AND I had to work at 5:30am. BLAST!

SATURDAY 2/25/06: Can't turn my mind off on the way to work Saturday morning. Very little sleep. Lots of crying. And alcohol. Bad combination. I need a little help so I call my guy. He's not very...friendly or embracing and I fear the worst. I coreograph a later phone call which also seems fishy. Like I said, there were apologies but I'm a chick and we mend slowly. A fish fin doesn't grow back when you pull it off. AND THEN...KA-POW! Bug trouble at work! Big time! And no upper-management to be found. I spent the rest of my day, at home, juggling phones, practically tossing my cookies, being yelled at, yelling, trying to make the situation right. And my guy is behind me 100%. I couldn't have done it without him. I'd be headless or lifeless right now without him. And he told me what a good job I did handling the chaos. In fact, he told all the boss hogs about my performance. I blushed alot. And somewhere, through it all, I suggested that us making up would make all the chaos calm down for me...so make up we did. And I'm pretty sure when all the phone calls died down and life went back to normal, I threw myself on the bed and said, "I am so in love with him". And I am.

Finally get a chance to rest my weiry head...and the vice-president shows up with 12 beers to reward me! Who I am to turn down a head-honcho? My roomie joined us as we bullshitted and laughed and drank and brought my body back down from la-la land. And I get to talk on the phone...to the boy I like...and he suggests spending time together later in the day...and I melt. Sure, that never happened (I went to Ben's going away party and was quite a dud, returning to my bed before midnight to crash), but it was the thought that counted and we DID make plans for the next day. Swoon, swoon, swoon!

Like I said, I was a dud at the party. Couldn't get into it. I think the day warped me. Sometimes it's hard for me to shake things. My adrenaline was high, I had been drunk once in the day already, and of course, there's the ever-present ex-husband. BUt I did get to eat asparagus, see Robot Burlesque, and get a full-on moustache "switl and smooch" from the guest of honor. How can Ben move away? I can't even think about it. I drove home, crawled in bed and let Futurama and a text message set me right. God, I hated Saturday and hope it explodes. Just that one. I'd like to lose my memories of it for all of eternity.

SUNDAY 2/26/06:So I have plans with a boy on this day but FIRST, I have plans with my kin. And that's fine and dandy. Food, gossip, sisters, what have you. One of my sisters is very anti-Pussyfoot, or so it seems, which made me a little riled up. But my fella called (post 7 morning, Race Day beverages...woo hoo!) and the plans are a-go! And my nerves kick in... our very first officially, not on a Monday, outside of a bar plans! Will our heroine survive the ordeal??? I did. I survived...my first NASCAR race!! It was fun...after a few ice-cold frosty ones. It was nearly as red-neckish as I would have imagined. Just a sport. I watched, drank, questioned, routined for Biffle, cursed Biffle, and got my neck and head rubbed and hand held. Not bad. And after my sobriety took a dive, I had a sleep over. But I'm going to leave what happened then between the sheets.

MONDAY 2/27/06: STILL have to leave some stuff between the sheets...wink wink! Then it's a quick ride home to brush the fur off my teeth and change my drawers before work where I would spend the entire day NOT speaking to my roomie/co-worker. There was a verbal (sort of) brawl and I think I have a right to be upset. At first it seemed as if she agreed but now I think she's entered "whatever" stage, and that's fine. I'm just about at "whatever" stage on some issues myself.I'm not going to air the dirty laundry. Somethings were said and it's not just WHAT was said but who they were said to. The whole situation practically ruined my evening but I chose to focus on more important things at the time. But that just let things stew...and now we are where we are and I'm highly disappointed.

Also, I made toast for a boy and it was the most gratifying things I've ever done.

That's a lot to digest. And things happened today that I would comment on as well if I didn't work for 11 hours. I need my bed. I need my head on my pillow so I can get up, well rested, shower, and shake today off me. Thanks for tuning in to a fresh new entry.

I always knew. I always saw it coming.

I am sad. And the worst part about being sad...besides the all consuming sadness...is the feeling of being left hanging. I had my first knock down, drag out fight with my fella and there's really nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to fix it, really. All I can do is wait it out and see what happens. I spent the end of my evening in my car, crying...sobbing..., trying to make things better. I relived so many times before when my ex-husband and I would be sitting in the car, yelling or screaming or crying or any combination of those. It was a nightmare. I don't like that things feel "up in the air". Things had been sooooo good. Everything seemed like it was falling into place. And then I guess we both managed to make each other feel like garbage. I don't know what to do. All I can really manage to do is think and cry and feel miserable. Somewhere in there, he told me exactly how he feels about me and that was incredible...except that it was in the middle of everything. In the middle of fighting and yelling and feeling like garbage. And even today, after plenty of time to cool off, there was something missing from his voice when I talked to him. He said he's sorry and hated seeing me cry and didn't mean to be a jerk and it wouldn't happen again but...God, it was bad. I feel so sad. I can't even talk about this anymore. I just have to try and not flip my lid until I know what's going on.

Well I've been waiting in line for this.

I'm really lovin' 2006. Like..."makin' love" lovin'.

So a Bishop, a bum, and a hot dog walk out my front door on a Tuesday night with a video camera...stop me if you've heard this one before.

There's filming going on in my house as I type this. I'm a little too tired to participate today but last night, I made my film debut as "Amber", a trailer trash, hillbilly, unwed, lactating mother in a tube top and knee high socks. Some of my stellar and most memorable lines included, "Hi Mama! I is on TV!" and "Of course I'll marry you, you love-crazed weiner!". The movie roles should be beating down my door any second now. Really. Any second. I'm a-waitin'! Regardless of my blah-ness regarding filming today, I was glad to be a part of it all.

Saturday night, us Pussyfoot gals rocked Columbus at Carabar. The bartenders were fantastic and armed with free beers and shots, our set went off pretty much without a hitch and featured some wacky 1970s sex cartoons, Bob's Country Bunker made me put my dancin' shoes on, and HELL, a ROBOT opened for us. A guy with a dream claimed he could do 28 different entertaining things through the month of February and our night included programing some robot to sing popular songs ina scary computer voice. I really only remember "Come On Baby, Light My Fire". Still, Nathan is my new hero...and not just because he can wrestle a chair and gave me a black bracelet that I will never take off.

Next stop...Altoona?

Planning another par-tay here at the Ol' Kentucky Shark Corral: March Madness Beach Party Birthdays! 4 of my nearest and dearest popped out of vaginas in March so I feel it is my obligation to host the event. I am hoping to come as a goldfish...as bait, actually. Per usual, there will be beer, bands, and broads in bikinis! And something tells me this is the one where someone won't make it out alive!

I've been sort of lonely and confused about my curretn "fella" situation. Let my feelings get hurt at work. Felt small, which I hate. But I'm trying to let things roll off my back. I don't want to make mistakes I've made in the past. But it's hard...I've been single for almost a year now. I don't want to be single any more. I'm ready to have someone to goof off with, hold hands with, go on road trips with, fall asleep with. But the person I want HASN'T been single for a year. It's going to take them time to get to where I am. And then where will I be?

I miss spooning. Some people don't even know what that is.

I picked Greg Biffle for the race this weekend. GO BIFFLE!

Gotta get 'em moving on the floor tonight.

The Pussyfoot Girls invade Columbus TO-NIGHT! And if it's half as good as last night, I may not live to see the work week! Last night was one of our best shows, ever. We were on the ball. Only the teeniest screw ups that only we would notice. And our new song was a HIT, or I'd like to think so. I certainly strived to be the cutest little tree that you ever did see (and if you saw it, you know what I mean). It was a new city for us to perform in and I think they embraced us. I know I recieved many compliments from strangers throughout the night, and someone even bought me a shot! Sure, once he found out who my ex-husband was he abandoned me like I was a leper, but it was the initial thought that counted. Now I'm sitting her with ants in my pants, reeling about what a blast last night was, and hoping that tonight is a success. How could it not be? We're launching the "My Vagina Is On Fire 'Cause We're Playing the State Capital" tour. With a name like that, a good time is guaranteed!

1,000 men that have come and gone.

Supposedly, I am being "seen". Someone is "seeing me". I am "the new girl you're seeing". This is news to me. Good mother-truckin' news.

I wonder if I'm allowed to tell anyone yet.

He told me I smelled good today. I thought that was adorable. Then he told me I smelled like steak. I am "seeing" a man with a gut and a nose for meat...and I like it!

VIVA!

Glistening white triangular tooth.

Mean, horrible, nasty, disgusting, evil, evil mood! Beware! Take cover! Run! Protect your children! I am going to unleash the beast!!! I am cranky to the zillionth degree and I have no idea why! I thought I had a clue, I thought it was a lot of boys stuff and loneliness and feelings of failure. But I was reassured. I was comforted. Dare I say I was just a little bit loved yesterday. And here I am, fangs sharpened! Claws out! Growling and foaming at the mouth! I AM IN A BAD MOOOOOOOOD!

This thing we have, will it mean anything?

I woke up in a horrific mood with a fat, little, black raincloud hovering over my head which was totally uncalled for since I watched a handsome man deliver and install my brand new dryer after spooning me on my couch while watching "House of Wax" (and no, that wasn't part of the delivery fee) last night. I just couldn't shut my mind off. It was thinking in over drive. It was telling me that despite how k-rad things have been, I'm pretty lonely. I was on the verge of tears all day and a few trickled out from time to time despite everyone's best attempts to soothe me. I was trying to slap on a fake happy face and smile to not let my rain cloud get any drops on Phoebe. She was having a great Valentine's Day and her recent pleasant mood has been very welcome. And then I woke up and came to work a wet and moldy mop. Not even adult videos could make the forehead wrinkles disappear.

Then a someone gave me candy and told me I wouldn't be lonely for long.

:::swooooooooooooooooooooooon:::

I love all ya'll, Sharks or not! Enjoy your VD!

But I thought it was just for fun!

I have returned safe and sound from the north!

Megbo, Jimbo, Johnny, Ben and myself just spent a much needed weekend away in lovely Niagara Falls. I needed it, believe you me! All I could think of while at work was a delicious cocktail and some good company. Sure, we could have potentially lost our lives in a Buffalo bizzard but we didn't. We should have drank to that. Everyone went to bed buzzed the first night only to gear up for round 2, which I will affectionately call "12 Hour Saturday". We drank for the first 12 hours non-stop...at a restaurant, 2 bars in the casino, a weird 1940's dance hall/Mexican sports bar, another retaurant, and our hotel room. There was no water, no soda, no nothing. If it didn't have alcohol in it, we didn't drink it! And then we slept for the next 12 hours unless we were waking up for aspirin, bathroom breaks, or to beg for an end to the snoring! I won some money playing Roulette, had the best raspberry margaritas in creation, got to see Johnny in my bathing suit bottom (stuffing like a 13 year old would her bra), and laughed more than I have in a long time. Oh, and we saw the Falls where we wrote the new hit song, "Falls In My Face". Brilliant.

Also while in Niagara Falls, I started my record lable which Johnny named SHARK ATTACK! My goal is to put something out for the Yokels when they're ready. Ever since I helped Ray with Rubberband Records, I've wanted to put out something of my own. I'm just gonna do it. Ben is going to guide me along. We're in ca-hoots. We're getting matching robot tattoos. We bonded over Knob Creek which makes us friends for life. Not that I had any doubts.

My love life is yet again in turmoil, which I discovered over the weekend. I'm really ready and anxious to have a boyfriend. I have my "guy" but I want something a little more permanent and concrete. I'm starting to get all wishy wahsy when I see couples holding hands and junk. And there was some talk about me and the ex that made the gears in my head exhausted...how it's too bad we're not still together and how we're more compatible now than we ever were before because we've both changed. It was difficult to hear. Especially when it made things pop in my head. I could see "him" being there with all of us and the two of us goofing off and posing for weird pictures and walking with our arms thrown around each other. It was a bummer to consider. Especially when the guy in my life isn't totally IN my life and doesn't seem to be well recieved by my circle. I know they're looking out for me and say I deserve the best (thanks Ben!) but I made a choice. Now he's just got to choose me, too.

My life is like an After School Special these days. But I love it!

Spend your lives in sin and misery.

HARRY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

I am about to drink something that bubbles and fizzes in order to stop a winter cold in it's track before heading to Niagara Falls this weekend. Should I be afraid? The directions tell me to take it at the first sign of a cold or before entering a crowded area. I'm sort of wigged out. It says it's herbal which always creates a neon flashing sign in my head saying, "VOO DOO".

Today is my birthday, my favorite day of the year. But it's been semi-disappointing. Not necessarily the birthday but the day in general. I woke up knowing the cold was on it's way and that made me slip into crabby mode. Then one of my work buddies essential to my birthday happiness was absent. I got an early morning phone call but it's not the same as an early morning hug. Then someone at work said something that hurt my feelings soooo bad. Usually I'll keep that junk to myself and slap on a fake happy smile but I couldn't this time. I was crushed and now I am feeling very self-conscious. The more the hours passed, the sadder and bluer I felt. I couldn't even throughly enjoy Gilmore Girls. I thought talking to my mom would help shake my birthday blues, but I quit after three rounds of phone tag.

The whole day wasn't a wash. Potsie messaged me entertaining little notes all day, my friends all sent loving comments to cheer me up (even Cult of the Psychic Fetus pretended to be happy boys!!), and I even recieved a birthday e-mail from my ex-husband...he hopes I had a good party (AMAZING party...check!) and a good year (he can't divorce me again so it's already looking up!). So I do feel blessed, just not as "on fire" as I should considering it's my birthday. But it's almost over. Tomorrow I start my new diet which shouldn't be hard considering I'm on my way to Sickville and probably won't have an appetite. AND we resume Pussyfoot Girl practice (and Roxy Roulette is returning soooon to be our fifthm thank GOD...Turkish Coffee is sending me into seizures!). Then on Thursday, I am taking a day off work to get a birth certificate for our Falls trip this weekend, and to travel back to the nightmare city of Kent/Ravenna to FINALLY reclaim my last name and be a Haidet no more! Social Security and the Department of Taxation demand it and who am I to argue?

Party was amazing, family fuction was comforting, 2 out of 3 ain't bad!



I usually worship my birthday. I don't know if it's the cold or my romatic situation or my poor physical imagery but I just feel rotten. I just feel on the verge of tears and that's not how I wanted to ring in 27. This is how I felt last year when 26 nudged it's way into my life:

Today is my favorite day of the year...MY BIRTHDAY! I am 26 and feelin' fine. Better than fine! I almost feel taller today. Fan-fucking-tastic. I was worried that I would be in some wacky birthday slump since this year has been less than stellar, but I gotta say, I think celebrating my birthday was exactly what I needed to make a fresh start! My car is finally going to get fixed, I get to have a kick-ass dinner with Queen B (restaurant of my choice...those little Japanese men at Benihana better be ready for me), and then who knows? Road trip, maybe. Soon I'll be a workin' girl and I won't be able to pick up and skip town at the drop of a hat. Might as well take advantage of my freedom and have a damn fine time in the process! I have it on good authority that my birthday will be spent in a rockin' fashion. That's just the way I like it!!!

Saturday was k-rad and started off with a family dinner which filled my pockets with much needed cash. I'll admit that I wasn't feeling too festive after that but once I got to the Beachland, holy Hell, it was the best birthday I've ever had. Having almost all of my dudes in one place at one time (and let me say that I love all of y'all) just made me realize that damn, life is good. So my Cleveland friends met my Detroit friends and they fell madly in love which makes me so happy. I snagged some gifts...a kick-ass Amazing Crowns pin, the new Lords CD as well as a 2 disc live set, a beautiful necklace that I am never taking off, a fucking rock-n-roll yo-yo from THE yo-yo MASTER, and...whiskey. Oh lawrdy, there was whiskey! I got spanked by the Bishop, kissed by many a boy and girl, and had the intense pleasure of seeing Lisa Marie and Karen go-go dance, hearing Crazy Danny sing "Folsom Prison" and smash his head with a beer bottle, and having Vic Victor pass out in my lap. There was dancin', drinkin', drivin' (the Koffin Kats fuckin' cargo van...YEEHAW), and crashin'...between Johnny Switchblade and Vic Victor who were clearly having a snoring contest. There were many other random occurences...Switchblade was videotaped getting a Holy Water enema, Vic got tea-bagged more than once, and I have about 150 pictures that prove that no one "brings it" better than Cleveland. But maybe we had a LITTLE help from out Detroit brothas. I'm 26 and I rang it in in style. Thanks to everyone who helped!! It was well documented on the PICS page! Some photos are R-rated!

Go out and buy the new Lords of the Highway CD ("Degreaser") right now. It is so damn good. There's nothing else I can say other than it's fucking rad. Every song is just incredible and I can't stop listening to it. Not only are those cats musical power houses, but they are a damn fine group of people in general. So please, go to their website and pick up a copy or head on out to their next live show (check EVENTS for more details). You won't be disappointed and if you are, you are clearly from Canada. Songs 5 and 8 are worth the price alone...not that I paid for mine. That's one of the perks of being a rabid fan and having your birthday celebration coincide with the CD release. SMOOTH!

Only downfall of my Saturday night? Koffin Kats thinking dedicating "Graveyard Tree" to me was a good idea. Bastards.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you.

Put rubberbands on my claws and cover me in butter. I'm a crab.

I think maybe it's an "every other year" thing but suddenly I feel very negative abut my birthday. My party was flippin' fantastic, of course. Lords of the Highway played, almost everyone I love came out in their sleepy-time attire, the fella I love showered me in affection (no matter how public the display was, it was appreciated), and I have enough whiskey to bring Johnny Cash back from the grave and then send him right back to Maggot-ville.

BUT...

...and it's a BIG butt...but...whatever...

I'm just very crabby. All I keep picturing is me, tomorrow, at home alone, watching the tube, eating cupcakes. Now while that is a HIGHLY attractive senario and it's making me a little steamy in the drawers...is that what I want to do on my birthday? And not to sound all Carrie Bradshaw or anything, but it really rots to not have a special guy to celebrate my birthday with. Sure, I have a guy...sort of but not REALLY...and I'm not even seeing that guy tomorrow. I guess I want someone (with a penis) to be excited about my birthday and want to make me really happy on that day. It probably sounds selfish but I don't know.

I'm just lonely, I guess. This weekend I was referred to as somebody's "girl" butthere was alcohol involved and I had to take it all with a grain of salt. Maybe I'll be his "girl" some day but I'm not holding my breath or selling myself short. I'm rambling, I know. I just have the blues. Last year around this time, my ex-husband (whom I was separated from at the time...imagine THAT) would just show up in the middle of the night because he wanted to sleep with me (the snoring, spooning kind of sleep, pervert). I want that. I miss that. And there's someone that I already KNOW I want to do that with but I can't because MY LIFE IS A SHAM!!!

I'm sorry. I just needed to vent. I just feel glum.

You can't stop now. It's already begun.

I just finished sucking down some Chinese food. My fortune reads:

The weekend ahead predicts enjoyment.

Of course it does! Saturday is my 27th Birthday Pajama Jam with special guest Lords of the Highway at the Ol' Kentucky Shark Corral. This will be the 6th year in a row than I've added a ring to my tree stump with the Lords. Their cover of "Dirty Deeds" is shaking me at my foundation, and that's being tame. All of my friends are really embracing the slumber party theme which is pretty boss! I haven't decided if I'm taking the slutty route or the sweet one regarding my choice of evening attire but it won't matter. No matter what I wear and mo matter who shows up (and there is some interesting debate about the guest list, *blush*), I'm going to have the most fun. More fun than you (unless you're Carol High Hair who seems to be my party companion...be ready for hugs). But it's my birthday so that's the way it goes! Recognize!

I have a crush. No, not that one! I have a sort of unorthodox crush after watching a video on VH1 Classics. It was the video for "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals. It's a pretty tame video, as they tended to be then. The band just sort of walks around a stage setting with their instruments while the singer sings. But he sort of looks stoned. And troubled. As if the song context had actually happened to him. He looks like a wrecked man. He can't lip sync very well. He's no Brittney Spears. But man oh man, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Now I'm going to be obsessed with that song. That guy's probably grotesque and deformed looking if not dead by now. Heart go throb.