Wednesday, January 07, 2009

I see the way you look at me.

Oh bother. Fucking little black raincloud...

I suggested that some pals should try and diagnose me if they felt so inclined, based on symptoms from the past few nights. Some people think I'm having panic attacks. Some people think it may be a side effect from some weird (and possibly govenment-spread) illness going around. Some people think it's stress-related. And one thinks...or thought, when it began...that it was all tied into a hangover I had this weekend (but that would be one loooooong hangover).

Bottom line: who knows what's going on with me?

I felt like I wanted to cry. Like that would offer some physical relief since the knot in my chest would be freed. But I couldn't cry. Then finally the flood gates opened. I didn't CRY, per se. But little teardrops came out. It happened at weird random my desk at work, during a surprise shower hug, while Todd and I watched the "Rock of Love: Charm School" reunion, in the Snuggle Dome. Always a few drops. No sniffling or sobbing or emotion. But no RELIEF EITHER! So that theory was bust.

I have zero appetite. I can't sleep. Todd is being great because he has his share of ups-n-downs and I've always got his back. Showers, hugs, kisses, offering to cook me dinner, offering to go out, stay in, watch cartoons, do whatever...the tender-lovin' works. But I've never had this kind of weird low. My head is somewhere else. It's frustrating and I'm over it. But I don't know HOW to get over it. Because I don't know what's going on. And let me clarify...I am NOT depressed. I just need a tune-up or something. And fast.

I am going to focus all my energy on my campaign to outlaw "The Snuggie". I've got Tessa on board and I'm pretty sure I can recruit Phoebe, who is also anti-Snuggie in a major way. I can focus any leftover energy or what not on the fact that I'm going to be 30 one month from today. And that my art show opening is 7 months from today. And I'm going to be Todd's wife in 254 days. And I'll be on a cruise ship, sippin' a Mudslide pool-side in 255 days. There are major things to look forward to. I don't want to start a potentially awesome year feeling potentially sucko.

I'm anti-"sucko".

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