And I'm staying right here forever.

I think it's a lot easier to bitch than to gush. It's so much easier to point out what's sucko than what's super awesome because the negative stuff tends to take us over in total. A blog that Phoebe had written sparked this thought in my peanut-sized brain. She is a little bananas when it comes to blogs and subscribes to...A LOT! She recently ditched one due to it's recent negative vibe. I was worried it was ME (it wasn't...she worships the quicksand I walk on) because things have sorta been the pits recently. I've probably been spitting more venom than I should. I'm going to try and let go of the icky stuff quicker and appreciate the awesome stuff more. Simply so Phoebe doesn't unsubscribe from me. Haw haw haw.

So here's something I appreciate...

I had a totally sucko day yesterday! There's some icky family garbage going on, there was some "uh oh...why do I feel nauseated all the time" stuff going on, money stuff, INSANE days at work...it was just a lot all at once and frost that with not sleeping well recently...I was one miserable cupcake. UNTIL I walked in my door.

Todd was all pajama'd up and waiting for me at the door with open arms for a big hug. I needed it. Hugs are sometime's the best medicine for a fucked-up day. I mean...a hug isn't going to make you feel better if you get raped or stabbed, probably. But if your day is overly stresseful, a hug can do the trick. He had made up a couch nest for me and ordered Chinese food. I got showered up, pajama'd up, crawled in my nest, chowed down, and just automatically destressed in his (and Ben and Jerry's) lovin' snuggle. Maybe all this sounds disgusting and vomit-inducing but...SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm trying to be positive!!! He didn't have to be all sweet and caring but he was AND I APPRECIATE IT more than he could possibly know. And although I didn't sleep GREAT, I slept better than I have in about 2 weeks.

So the ride into work was wrist-slittingly horrific but I had nice things to think about and knew that my fella was worried about my safety since I'm not a fan of weathery nonsense. And that's another thing...my car was all toasty when I left for work and a path had been soveled all the way to my driver's side door. He was like the Abominable Snow Todd when he came inside, red faced and frosty...but he did it so I wouldn't have to get red-faced and frosty. Not everything is sucko. Fiancees are cute, family is helpful, friends are bad-ass.

I still haven't made a resolution. Negativity-free in 09?

Wondering...are you receiving me?

Getting out of bed this morning was a brutal undertaking and I can certainly say that if I had the option of killing a bunny with my barehands or getting out of bed...fuck you, bunny. Actually, I don't mean that at all because I love bunnies. I'm just trying to stress...dramatically...how juvenile I was being about rallying this morning. Todd came in and crawled on my back being just downright fucking adorable so I had no choice. I had to get verticle.

WHY CAN'T I SLEEP???

I woke up several times during the night and had really berzerk and realiztic dreams (one where I was desperately trying to get into a jam-packed college French class and another where I was in a limo with a black man and a woman from Brazil who clearly thought clothing were optional). On the drive hom from Jen May's last night (to hear me blather about the bad-ass "save the date" postcards, check the Weddin' Blog), I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I can fall asleep lickity split. I just can't STAY asleep. I don't have quality sleep. I have quality snuggle time but that doesn't help me function without whinning through the day. And what a long day it is.

Some folks don't understand it.

Sick. Fucking sick.

...

...

Yep. Still sick. Haven't done anything but sleep and mope and stare into space for the past 2 days. Todd wants me to see an Immunologist so I can stay with him longer (a.k.a. NOT DIE). I think it's finally time to schedule that appointment because my body and spirit are about ready to give up. I could go into a whole spazz attack about how it's not effing fair that I'm sick all the time. But what's the point? That just takes energy I don't have.

Life is sucko right now. Plain-n-simple.

Babe, we got the bull by the horns.

I just wrote a rambling, pink, fluffy, hearts-n-rainbows account of how in love with my fiancee I am. If you're anything like me, you would have throw up blood into your hands for sure and then punched a child in the side of the head after reading that. So I got rid of that sugar-coated serenade and I'll just say this:

I love my fiancee. Even when I want to staple his mouth shut and break his knuckles with a hammer...I love him. There's no better feeling than waking up in the middle of the night and seeing someone you're bananas about lying next to you. Unless of course that person gets up with you since you have insomnia and tells you how beautiful you are during "nakie time". Yeah...that feels better than just seeing them lying there in a heap, snoring with raging morning breath flying in your direction. But that's still awesome. Morning breath is comforting.

But we can talk about my morning breath fetish later.

I'm a lucky girl. I have a guy who tells me, "i dont ever want to be away from you. FOREVER IS REAL. i just want u to know that." Warm-n-fuzzies? You better believe it! Separation Anxiety? We probably have it. Good thing we're in it for the long haul!

In 2007, I saw him in the crowd at Dragway 42, wearing a Koffin Kats shirt, and thought, "That dude is cuuuute". I didn't know he was swooning over me, too. And I sure as Hell didn't know that the guy I was checking out...while in my Pussyfoot gear, swillin' beer, chillin' with Jenny Penny...would be the guy I married in 2009. I think we saved each other's lives. And I think that's pretty much the coolest thing on the planet.

So yeah...I love my fiancee. And in 247 days, I'll love my husband.

Not bad, I say. Not bad.

I want to be with you...be with you night and day

I have a total crush on the girl from the Progressive.com commercials. The one who suggests you spend the money you save on a nice, tricked-out name tag. I believe her name is Flo in the commercials. Anyway, I think her voice is adorable and I'm really into her heavy eyeliner-n-lipstick...and they way her hair is half 50s stylie and half disheveled. She reminds me a lot of a girl I know who works at The Mission. Just adorable all around. Even when she's saying something snarky or negative...she sounds so upbeat and psyched. So...there. Now you can think of me any time you see a Progressive.com commercial.

This weekend was weird. Everything felt "off", if you will. With a whiskey sour and a Teen Idols mix, I painted a 2 canvas painting that I'm really psyched about. I'll be sad to see it go...if it goes. If not, I'll find a nice place for it and masturbate to it and/or drool all over it. I don't know why I'm so in love with the painting...I just feel really good about it. I felt really good when I went over to my future in-laws house and saw my deer paitning hanging in a really bad-ass spot. I got the warm-n-fuzzies for a second.

Regardless of my artistic accomplishments...and the 5 pounds I lost...it was a weird weekend. I can't explain it. I'm not going to try. The damn little black raincloud was hovering again. I'm just having these wacky amounts of stress and no skills to deal with it all! And I hurt my back which isn't helping matters. I'm just a big, jumbled mess...with a slightly smaller ass and thinner mug! Tessa has been a great cheerleader this week, keeping my head above water. I think when you bottle certain things up...or just don't bother to deal with them at all...you're bound to explode eventually. I think I'm slowly leaking or something. Hopefully I mellow soon. I want to enjoy 2009! I want to enjoy planning our wedding (caterer tasting thisn Saturday...holy fucking YUM, am I psyched). And it's almost my BIRTHDAY which is my favorite day of the entire YEAR! Things have to level out.

"Radar Love" is playing. That's a step in the right direction.

I see the way you look at me.

Oh bother. Fucking little black raincloud...

I suggested that some pals should try and diagnose me if they felt so inclined, based on symptoms from the past few nights. Some people think I'm having panic attacks. Some people think it may be a side effect from some weird (and possibly govenment-spread) illness going around. Some people think it's stress-related. And one thinks...or thought, when it began...that it was all tied into a hangover I had this weekend (but that would be one loooooong hangover).

Bottom line: who knows what's going on with me?

I felt like I wanted to cry. Like that would offer some physical relief since the knot in my chest would be freed. But I couldn't cry. Then finally the flood gates opened. I didn't CRY, per se. But little teardrops came out. It happened at weird random times...at my desk at work, during a surprise shower hug, while Todd and I watched the "Rock of Love: Charm School" reunion, in the Snuggle Dome. Always a few drops. No sniffling or sobbing or emotion. But no RELIEF EITHER! So that theory was bust.

I have zero appetite. I can't sleep. Todd is being great because he has his share of ups-n-downs and I've always got his back. Showers, hugs, kisses, offering to cook me dinner, offering to go out, stay in, watch cartoons, do whatever...the tender-lovin' works. But I've never had this kind of weird low. My head is somewhere else. It's frustrating and I'm over it. But I don't know HOW to get over it. Because I don't know what's going on. And let me clarify...I am NOT depressed. I just need a tune-up or something. And fast.

I am going to focus all my energy on my campaign to outlaw "The Snuggie". I've got Tessa on board and I'm pretty sure I can recruit Phoebe, who is also anti-Snuggie in a major way. I can focus any leftover energy or what not on the fact that I'm going to be 30 one month from today. And that my art show opening is 7 months from today. And I'm going to be Todd's wife in 254 days. And I'll be on a cruise ship, sippin' a Mudslide pool-side in 255 days. There are major things to look forward to. I don't want to start a potentially awesome year feeling potentially sucko.

I'm anti-"sucko".

You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll.

First blog of 2009, the year I'm getting married. Yowza.

I guess a good place to start would be with Christmas and New Years and all that jazz. But I don't wanna. Not because they weren't great. They were. Exactly what I expected and all. Chill. Low-key. Nothing mind-blowing but nothing forgettable. Nice. I am totally just throwing around really lame adjectives and descriptions right now and probably boring you to tears. Or to suicide. Your pick. Holidays were good, glad they're over, ready for my 30th birthday...moving on.

I am exhausted and have a fishbowl in my skull, no doubt. I have NOT been sleeping well and it's going on WEEKS now. Even Advil PM can't save me. The prescription junk makes me snacky and that doesn't mesh well with the 2.5 pounds I've lost so far. But I need to sleep and can't and it's making me bananas! I have zero stress-management skills so I know that isn't helping me one bit. But then there's this new annoyance in my life.

Saturday night, after battling a werid and unexpected hangover, my heart started raaaaaacing. And I began to feel really nervous. I was in a weird panic for no reason whatsoever. Even when I'm stressed, I don't get weird hardcore physical effects. This was unlike anything I've ever dealth with before. Maybe I was having an anxiety attack? I dunno. But I DO know that it happened again LAST night before bed. Same time frame. Same physical nuttiness. My heart was beating so hard that I could feel it in my ear which causes major ickiness for me. Bananas. All of it.

Not to much else to blather about. I haven't made my resolutions yet. Didn't paint as much as I wanted to during my time off but DID make some progress. Maybe passing on Heavy Rebel this year. Wedding junk. My life is a little on the dull side these days. Not DULL. I'm lovin' life. Livin' it. There is just a thread of excitement missing right now. It's all low-key. That's probably a good thing...since my heart seems to be attempting to explode in my chest.

Oh...no more stand-up comics in 2009. Woof.