Dear Ol' Kentucky Sharks:
I just ordered 10 Ol' Kentucky Sharks hoodies for the true and genuine and loyal and dedicated Sharks that swim in my school!!! Something confusing is happening to me that is a cross between an orgasm and that hot, sweaty, mouth-watery feeling you get riiiiiiight before you throw up. Did I ever mention that Nurse Shark thinks that when I toss my cookies it sounds like an orgasm? Weird coincidence that my body is confusing the two sensations. I'm just THAT excited about ordering so many hoodies at once! I think I should say a little something about every Shark just so they know how much I love them and how I would never let a frantic swimmer poke them in the eye or punch them in the nose to cause confusion. I'm feeling sentimental today:
Six-Pack Sharker - Without you, I would have nothing to pump my fist in the air for!! You were the first Shark to inquire about getting a hoodie of your own which made me so proud and excited. SURE, you knew you WERE a Shark but weren't really sure what that MEANT, but you're learning. You're a knowledge seeking Shark.
Cutty Shark - Holy hot dogs! Our first out-of-Ohio Shark! You live all the way in Texas, I met you once, and you were cool enough to accept that you were a Shark once I declared you one! People in Texas will be jealous and curious about your Shark affiliation. You are an open-minded Shark.
Gills McHigh Hair - You are by far the most fashionable and gamourous Shark to ever swim the in the sea. We should all bow down and glorify in your beauty and keen and distinct fashion sense. Plus, you exemplify what it means to be a Shark through and through...if you don't count that one time you left me at the Beachalnd. You are a dependable diva Shark.
Shark Bones - Let's face it, all us broads want to clone Shark Bones. "Where is our Shark Bones?", we keep repeating. Who will love US until we are dried up berries? Who will make US au gratin potatos for dinner? Who will hoot-n-holler for US and support our go-go dancing ambitions? You are a dreamy Shark.
Mark D'Shark - You go out of your way to be helpful and friendly and cool. I'm certainly glad I've gotten to hang out/chat with you more this year. You have gone above and beyond, especially since Joe Strummer (I still have to take you up on those lessons) was your idea and, of course, there is always the Shark lamp. You are an good-hearted Shark.
Johnny Sharko - You will by FAR have the ugliest Ol' Kentucky Sharks hoodie of all but you'll stick out when we have our Shark School photo taken, which should make you happy. You'd stick out...in a good way...even if your hoodie wasn't bright gold and kelly green. You are, by far, my favorite Shark.
West Park Shark - This may sound gross but you are like the tiny little sharks that latch on to the big sharks to guide them, keep them company...and clean them, I think. Those big sharks would be lost without the little sharks. That's how I feel about you. You are such a big part of my life now that I couldn't possibly exist without you anymore. Sink or swim, I feel like we're in this goofy life together. You are an essential Shark.
Sharkio Del Norte - You are the smartest, wittiest, most clever and creative Shark I have ever known and truth be told, I adore you with or without a moustache! Every time you pull an idea out of your hat, I don't think you can top it and then you blow my mind. I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could tell you how hard it will be to let you go. You are an ideal Shark.
Potsie Shark Pants - We used to butt heads, admit it. But now, I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. You have quickly become so important to me. You were there for me when I needed someone the most and let me lean on you. You are always happy for me when I need someone to be. You are always encouraging and entertaining. You are a supportive Shark.
Nurse Shark - You are the first Shark to leave the school. Sniff. Things just won't be the same around this town without you, that's for sure. No one will be able to take your place and I wouldn't want anyone to try. They would fail and that would be embarrassing. We will always honor your place in this school. You are an eternal Shark.
I really and truly love, and would like to make sweet love to, all of my Sharks. For the first time ever in my life, I really count myself lucky due to the people in my life. When you're young, you think you'll have the same friends forever and then you swap them out for new ones the next week. I could never do that with these people. I worship them. It took me a quarter of a lifetime to find them. All my friends are so querky and unique and distinct and flawed...not one of them is like another. Let's get foolish and compare them to snowflakes (and then let's go read some poetry and jump off a bridge). If I smashed one of them in the face with a frying pan, they'd still be there if I needed them. They all have guts. They are all bold personalities. They all have Ol' Kentucky Shark hoodies! If I had nothing else in my life, I'd have them, and that would be enough.
Love,
Sharky O'Shannahan
P.S. If you don't have a hoodie, that doesn't automatically make you a non-Shark. I still love you, Meaghan, Pete, Jimbo, Dennis, Jen, Pat...and so on and so on.
P.P.S. There will be a second round of hoodie ordering after I recover from New Year's Eve.
No comments:
Post a Comment