With your big brains and your know-how.

I can NOT turn my brain off!! It's like I just drank 100 cups of coffee but I didn't. I don't drink coffee. It's for chumps. I did just listen to my MxPx mix and wrecked havoc in my basement with hot pink and lime green paint though. I was trying to occupy my hands in order to turn my BRAIN OFF but my methods failed. I'm thinking way too much about things I shouldn't be. I know this and I know I should stop and ride the wave (or the wind, as Poison recommends) or whatever but sadly, head and heart are square dancing partners. Can't do-si-do without the other.

I think I'm lonely.

The other day, and I think I already babbled about this, an old man with one long fang was flirting with me and rubbing my arm and getting jelous of boys standing near me that I wasn't even WITH! When relaying this story I was asked, "Did you tell him you had a boyfriend?". I fo' real don't even know how to answer that monstrosity of a question. The truth is, I said, "I have several. I'm doing that juggling thing but I'm not very good at it". That's a lie. I mean, I can juggle...dudes, not bean-bags or scarves...I'm just not doing it at the moment. My declaration of activity was a lie.

I know I shouldn't be lonely since my knife (it should be life but I thought mistakenly typing Knife was so funny) is so busy and I have the Ol' Kentucky Sharks and a kick-ass (and wildly handsome, of course) best friend and a phenomenal roomie and jazz but...fo' real...they can't spoon you on the couch or hold hands with you or rub your hair or look at you "that way". That's not true (lying again). They COULD. In fact, Johnny and I held hands for 2.2 seconds at Steak-n-Shake. So yes, they CAN do these things. But they shouldn't because it would be WILDLY uncomfortable and at times, inappropriate.So...yeah...I am lonely.

I need a partner. I need my partner to BE my partner.

I'll turn down girls much prettier than you.

Here it is. The morning of my last vacation day. Oh days off, I'm sad to see you go. Especially with so much to do for the rockin' New Years Eve jam which isn't even a week away!

MAKE THE FLIER, BEAN!!!!!!

I'm not even spending my day maxin' and relaxin' as I should. I'm spending it doing last minute cleaning, measuring the basement for floor tiles (damn you, Bean!!!), purchasing said floor tiles, buying more watermelony paint and roller sleeves, picking up a Shop-Vac, fitting in a really time-consuming yet SEXXY lunch and a less sexxy shower, and on top of all THAT, I have Pussyfoot practice tonight where we have to plan our next three shows!!! HOT DOG!

Today will be busier than a plain, ol' working day! But Becky is here so that will make all my boring tasks worth doing. AND we'll get to dip marshmallows in chocolate which is ALWAYS a perk!

Regardless of all the !!! that have followed her name today, I am in love...with Phoebe Bean. She made my holiday weekend worth getting out of bed for. And she bought be a lamp that I would make sweet love to if that wouldn't lead to electrocution. A SHAG lamp! A SHAG Pink Panther lamp! It is my new favorite thing. Hands down! But I don't just love her because of her gifts...though they ARE a perk!

After my Friday of drinking with the work crew and my Saturday morning of working and RECOVERING from drinking with the work crew, I spent the evening just maxin' and relaxin' watching movie after movie on the couch with Bean. It was a perfect X-Mas Eve. There was even more chillaxin' on X-Mas since I was sick and I was pampered with a deeeeelicious breakfast (and Mimosas!!) and with some team work, a lovely little dinner party. It was great. It made me enjoy Christmas again. Maybe next year I'll actually wear more than my pajamas all day.

Actually, now that I think about it, there was something else that happened which made me enjoy Christmas again. And I didn't even have to go to a titty bar to get it. Life is good.

And last night, in honor of Becky's visit, we painted the town with blood-packets with the Shoe-Lanes and Johnny Sharko, and took over every jukebox in town! I even gave in to eating at Steak-n-Shake which I NEVER do and I really have no reason why not! It was a GREAT time. It was a "just what I needed" time. In fact, to be honest, everything that has happened since I left work on Friday has been "just what I needed". Looks like my year may actually end on a high note for a change. I'm a lucky girl!

It's criminal. There ought to be a law.

It's Christmas Eve and I have the sniffles. Sniffles is a cute word until you associate it with the fact that I've emptied so much snot and goo out of my head that I'm pretty sure it's going to wind up hollow and dry...like a mummy. I pretty much look like a disaster which is fine. The sniffles gives me a great excuse to stay in my pajamas watching Gilmore Girls season 5 and cleaning my digs all day. Sure, this means no family functions for the holidays but I'm kind of a Grinch this year anyway.

They thought my grandma might have had a stroke last night. I was in a porn shop with 4 co-workers at the time. It was suggested that my grandma may have very well had the stroke BECAUSE I was in the porn shop. I didn't buy anything though. That's not true. I bought Spanish Fly but I'll never use it. I'm afraid I'll poison someone and I have enough problems already without poisoning on my hands.

I got a bottle of whiskey and some socks in the gift exchange. My secret Santa ROCKED! And she taught me all about anal beads and how you shouldn't buy them when you're drunk because what look like cherries end up being grapefruits. The things you learn from co-workers.

Yesterday was really a blast. It was just what I needed (insert Cars song here). I didn't need to drink so much and my stomach doesn't mind reminded me, but it was still a rockin' good time. Hit the bar with a big batch of co-workers where we drank, gossiped, played darts, played pool, and at some point, went to the dirty book store! I learned so many things about everyone and I'm sure they learned a thing or two about me. The most important thing I learned is that I am NOT wasting my time...but that's all I'm going to say about that. Getting slightly molested by a dirty old man with one really long tooth (I will call it a "toof") was the only downfall.

I woke up this morning with the word "TAB" transfered from my hand (as a reminder to close mine) to the side of my face. That's how good of a night it was! And I wish you all would have been there.

Tomorrow will bring the anti-Christmas dinner at my house. I'm going to bust out the fancy plates, shove a stick of butter up a chicken's butt, and enjoy the evening in my leopard print pajama set with Bean, The Shoe-Lanes, and Ashlee Adventure. Sounds like a rock-n-roll holiday to me.

Hope your holiday rocks and rolls, too!

Maybe these will cure you completely.

I think I'm getting a cold and I'm feeling miserable. My limbs are real heavy. I have a sore throat and stiff muscles and I've been moving like a turtle or a snail or something else slow.

I have no time to be sick. I have cookies to make, last minute presents to buy, laundry to do, a basement to finish, a house to clean, a Friday function I was looking forward to, and let's not forget the ever-pressing engagement of work!

I'm stressing. I hate being sick but I feel it coming on. No juice can save me now.

Miss the vein once. Try, try again.

So today, I pretty much elected to remove my spine and slither but only after I saw another snake, who had not slept and was rocking a fierce stomach ache (caused my emotions, not illness), crawling on his belly as well. Or maybe it was some sort of animal retreating with it's tail between it's legs. Either way. You get the point.

I tried. Believe me, I did. To do what was the RIGHT thing for everyone concerned. To do what would end some of the heartbreak I was going through. To do what I thought would help ease the confusion of someone I cared about. Moral and upstanding and righteous! I made a choice and a sacrifice and no matter how much pain it was causing me and how barely alive I felt, I stuck to it.

For two whole days!!!

I tried to ignore him! I tried not to look at him! I tried not to react when he asked me if I hated him (I said I did...it was a lie! I had to tell him I was a big, dumb liar which lead directly to MAKING UP!!!!!!). The more I am apart from this person, the more I come to terms with the fact that I can NOT be away from this person! I'm sure that to plenty of people, I seem like an idiot or like a puppy or like this whole thing is just bullllllllshit. I know how it seems! I can step outside and take a look and say, "What ARE you doing? Haven't you seen like one million movies JUST LIKE THIS!?!". But there's things no one sees and knows and I know that sounds like trash, too. I just don't give a flying fig at this point!

I will be the only one in my coffin! Am I right?!?!?!

I know people want to protect me and I appreciate that, I do. But it would be nice to be encouraged or rooted for every now and again by someone on my team. Hell, someone I am just NOW becoming pally with seems to think that after all this holiday nonsense and some time, that things will go my way. And not only that, this person told me how much I would add to the life of the fella in question ( I think it was "adventure" I was bringing). I would like to think she was being honest because she has nothing to gain by lying to me. So where are MY back-up singers??

The honest truth is, I've felt like half a person since Saturday night. This may sound totally like I need to put my helmet back on but it boils down to this: I may have hurt when I was with him but I hurt far worse when I wasn't, and the same goes for him. And the only person I have to live with or make happy is myself. We're both confused. We're both feeling guilty. But we can't give each other up no matter how hard we try. It's getting harder and harder as we get closer and closer. We're like JOHNNY AND JUNE CARTER CASH!!!

This is a hard situation but I truly need some support. I'm practically begging for it at this point. I'm all jello-y. I hope everyone...at least, everyone who KNOWS the gorey and gruesome and someone despised details...can just rally for me for awhile. And keep their fingers tightly crossed.

I've never been so sure of where my heart is at in my entire life. Hopefully, all y'all can just believe in that.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you"---Elizabeth Barret Browning.

It seems like it's raining all the time.

After a horrific day at work, Friday night was so good. My heart was pumped full to over flowing and we had a great dress rehearsal.

Last night, the night I've been looking forward to, was a disaster. I think us Pussyfoot Girls did a great job. Sold a little merch, didn't screw up too bad (I don't think I'll be doing "Stormy Weather" again any time soon though). Sure, I hear that we were called trash but I think that's to be expected. Tight skirts, tight sweater and all.

But there was some real damage. I got my heart broken...while sitting at the bar. How cliche. It's a long story and telling it now will just start the tears again and I can't handle that right now. I cried myself to sleep and cried myself awake. I really don't want to cry again right now. I can just say that nothing hurts worse than having a full heart broken. I went from being so happy to so incredibly sad. That transition isn't good for a person.

And a lot of people won't even care. A lot of people think this "relationship" I had was bullshit anyway. Fine, you're allowed to have your opinions. But it wasn't bullshit to me. I'm the one who pulled the plug so maybe you'll think I did this to myself but after lots of conversation, I could see where it was going...and it was going nowhere. I was assured that this person, this guy that I "cheese sandwich", was never going to change. That he was always going to be screwed up. That he just didn't know what to do.

But I love this guy...and he didn't even fight for me. In the end, I made his decision for him...which is exactly what I swore I wouldn't do.

Crying now.

It symbolizes something but I don't know what it is.

Driving home from work yesterday was a total nightmare equipped with blood, guts, gore, and practical slaughter because drivers of the world have small brains. It took me almost two hours to get home, I almost ran out of gas, and I almost got out of my car and jumped off the Valley View bridge. But I'm glad I didn't (not only because I didn't want to die in a city that smells like wet garbage) because some people weren't afraid of the snow or the morons or the effort or the distance and showed up on my door step just to say "Hi" and "Bye" because it was worth it to them. My hands still smelled like cologne when I went to bed.

And besides that, these two little neighborhood rug rats showed up at my door offering to shovel the driveway. I didn't have any money to give them at the time but promised if they came back throughout the winter (and hopefully yhr spring the mow the grass), I'd hook them up. When they left, I head them yelling, "Look out your window!!!" but was distracted by a phone call and sort of thought they might have vandalized my house in some icky, satanic, child-demon way. When Phoebe came home, she wondered whose little feet tracked a giant heart (and the word "HOT" which was discovered after work today) into the front yard. Children are adorable...and smart!

And I'll be leaving soon but tonight I'm here.

Dear Ol' Kentucky Sharks:

I just ordered 10 Ol' Kentucky Sharks hoodies for the true and genuine and loyal and dedicated Sharks that swim in my school!!! Something confusing is happening to me that is a cross between an orgasm and that hot, sweaty, mouth-watery feeling you get riiiiiiight before you throw up. Did I ever mention that Nurse Shark thinks that when I toss my cookies it sounds like an orgasm? Weird coincidence that my body is confusing the two sensations. I'm just THAT excited about ordering so many hoodies at once! I think I should say a little something about every Shark just so they know how much I love them and how I would never let a frantic swimmer poke them in the eye or punch them in the nose to cause confusion. I'm feeling sentimental today:

Six-Pack Sharker - Without you, I would have nothing to pump my fist in the air for!! You were the first Shark to inquire about getting a hoodie of your own which made me so proud and excited. SURE, you knew you WERE a Shark but weren't really sure what that MEANT, but you're learning. You're a knowledge seeking Shark.

Cutty Shark - Holy hot dogs! Our first out-of-Ohio Shark! You live all the way in Texas, I met you once, and you were cool enough to accept that you were a Shark once I declared you one! People in Texas will be jealous and curious about your Shark affiliation. You are an open-minded Shark.

Gills McHigh Hair - You are by far the most fashionable and gamourous Shark to ever swim the in the sea. We should all bow down and glorify in your beauty and keen and distinct fashion sense. Plus, you exemplify what it means to be a Shark through and through...if you don't count that one time you left me at the Beachalnd. You are a dependable diva Shark.

Shark Bones - Let's face it, all us broads want to clone Shark Bones. "Where is our Shark Bones?", we keep repeating. Who will love US until we are dried up berries? Who will make US au gratin potatos for dinner? Who will hoot-n-holler for US and support our go-go dancing ambitions? You are a dreamy Shark.

Mark D'Shark - You go out of your way to be helpful and friendly and cool. I'm certainly glad I've gotten to hang out/chat with you more this year. You have gone above and beyond, especially since Joe Strummer (I still have to take you up on those lessons) was your idea and, of course, there is always the Shark lamp. You are an good-hearted Shark.

Johnny Sharko - You will by FAR have the ugliest Ol' Kentucky Sharks hoodie of all but you'll stick out when we have our Shark School photo taken, which should make you happy. You'd stick out...in a good way...even if your hoodie wasn't bright gold and kelly green. You are, by far, my favorite Shark.

West Park Shark - This may sound gross but you are like the tiny little sharks that latch on to the big sharks to guide them, keep them company...and clean them, I think. Those big sharks would be lost without the little sharks. That's how I feel about you. You are such a big part of my life now that I couldn't possibly exist without you anymore. Sink or swim, I feel like we're in this goofy life together. You are an essential Shark.

Sharkio Del Norte - You are the smartest, wittiest, most clever and creative Shark I have ever known and truth be told, I adore you with or without a moustache! Every time you pull an idea out of your hat, I don't think you can top it and then you blow my mind. I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could tell you how hard it will be to let you go. You are an ideal Shark.

Potsie Shark Pants - We used to butt heads, admit it. But now, I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. You have quickly become so important to me. You were there for me when I needed someone the most and let me lean on you. You are always happy for me when I need someone to be. You are always encouraging and entertaining. You are a supportive Shark.

Nurse Shark - You are the first Shark to leave the school. Sniff. Things just won't be the same around this town without you, that's for sure. No one will be able to take your place and I wouldn't want anyone to try. They would fail and that would be embarrassing. We will always honor your place in this school. You are an eternal Shark.

I really and truly love, and would like to make sweet love to, all of my Sharks. For the first time ever in my life, I really count myself lucky due to the people in my life. When you're young, you think you'll have the same friends forever and then you swap them out for new ones the next week. I could never do that with these people. I worship them. It took me a quarter of a lifetime to find them. All my friends are so querky and unique and distinct and flawed...not one of them is like another. Let's get foolish and compare them to snowflakes (and then let's go read some poetry and jump off a bridge). If I smashed one of them in the face with a frying pan, they'd still be there if I needed them. They all have guts. They are all bold personalities. They all have Ol' Kentucky Shark hoodies! If I had nothing else in my life, I'd have them, and that would be enough.

Love,
Sharky O'Shannahan

P.S. If you don't have a hoodie, that doesn't automatically make you a non-Shark. I still love you, Meaghan, Pete, Jimbo, Dennis, Jen, Pat...and so on and so on.

P.P.S. There will be a second round of hoodie ordering after I recover from New Year's Eve.

Some day soon it will all settle down.

It was brought to my attention that certain frequent visitors draw from my babbling the conclusion that my life is in constant turmoil. It's not true. It's in partial turmoil and partial chaos.

If I've been ranting and raving recently and not making a lot of sense (when do I ever...yeah, yeah, I hear you), please do not lable me as "gone off the deep end" or "nutty". Anyone who really knows me can make a pie chart illustrating that boys are a difficult subject for me and loving them is even worse. After all, that is what this is all about. Boys. Or one boy in particular. My track record with the penis-wearing pack isn't envy-worthy so I might possibly have my guard up, slightly, while at the same time, not registering what a "guard" is.

I have possibly not picked the boy best suited for me or most enviable or most admired. I didn't really pick him at all. I just...fell...and I haven't been this happy or this sad ever in my life. Big letters spelling EVER. Make an impact! EVER!!!

But my life is not in total turmoil. It feels good to be back in the game, living my life, even if I'm making big mistakes, doing stupid things, not thinking things through. It's better than being heartbroken and wondering how I'm going to get through life at all. I'm ready to get some cuts and bruises. I know certain people out there are worried about me and how my heart will hold up if I am disappointed by the fella I fancy. I'm curious about that myself and can't guarantee that it won't happen. But if you would have asked me if my ex-husband and I would have ever parted ways, I would have given you one tall and think middle finger. But what do I know? I know life holds no guarantees.

I'm ready to take more risks. I'm ready to stop making the obvious choice, I'm ready, and prepared, to wait my turn if a turn should, in fact, be coming my way. After all, it has been suggested that old furniture will move out and new furniture will move in.

I'm putting "girl talk" on the backburner until there's something to say that I can ACTUALLY say. From now on...you get a regular dose of my constant insanity!

Blood will hit the pavement!

And I'm addicted to your funny face.

I'm covered in paint. In primer. In killing primer! It's all over my skin. All over my brain cells. The whole house smells like the killing primer. I feel half stoned and half dizzy. It's a fishy feeling. Swishy fishy.

So I'm covered head to toe in paint. My hair has paint on it. I'm going to throw myself in the tub but I doubt any of this gunk will come off without mineral spirits and I am officially afraid of mineral spirits. But I would like to walk to the corner to get spirit-spirits but I'm not riding THAt train until I get this lethal stuff off my flesh.

Back to the facts, Jack. The basement will be ready for a little rockin' and sockin' by New Years Eve. It will be so intense and insane and unimaginable that I would not bring anyone pregnant or weak of heart so they don't just flip out and die. Leave your granny at home! That's how just...POW...this basement is going to be if my brain cells aren't friend by the killing primer first.

Sugar has a boyfriend. Phoebe and I are jealous.

Did she kiss him and cry?

My head is really heavy. It has gained several pounds since the beginning of this year. And you would think with all the rotten, fly-infested TRASH that went on at the beginning of this year, my head would have slimmed down. Heck, unloading all the venom-spitting hatred I had for my former husband (I even sent the skeevy bastard a genuine and sincere birthday greeting) should have practically made my head float away like a balloon, light as a feather.

Pfffffffffffffffffft.

I'm trying to find some sort of balance that is easier than walking a tightrope, blindfolded, while carrying a pregnant and somewhat aggitated leopard. I would like to keep my head AND my heart. Ya dig? Once again, this would all be so much easier if I could just talk about what's gnawing on my brain but I have hypothetical masking tape over my mouth. I am at this obnioxus fork in the road where if I go to the left, I'll hurt. If I go to the right, I'll hurt. And I just can't stay where I am because it puts a symbolic dunce hat on my skull. Did I mention that this is a meat fork?

This is a meat form.