Tonight my nightgown is in knots.

I feel like all the heat in my body is trying to escape out the top of my head. There should be little menthol vapors hovering above me. I feel all trippy when I'm not at work these days. All vapory and woozy. Like I'm here in my body but I'm really not. I'm really in Vegas and wearing really short shorts. It's hard to explain right now. I think the honest truth is that post-recent emotional outbursts, I'm shutting down more and more. I freak out and feel like my heart will stop beating and that I'll drown. Those human feelings are fewer and further between and the robot-y feelings are closer and closer together. I hope I can at least be a drinking robot like Bender.

I haven't been sleeping very well and I love sleeping more than anything else. It's my favorite past time besides day-dreaming which usually leads to sleeping. And how much time I spend sleeping is not because I'm depressed, even if I am right now. It's because I'm in love with pajamas and pillows and blankets. My cats crawl in, the tube is on, my breathing is depressed and it's lights out! But right now, it's vampirish and semi-gothy. And I'm sure that my lack of sleep is due to the fact that my life has changed so incredibly much since 2008 kicked in. Things I never thought would happen even if deep down in I my rotoic heart and brain I should have known they would, HAVE happened. And it's only been 2008 for 50 days. Holy pancakes!

The routines of the past 3 years of my life have been completely erased. I don't work where I worked for 3 years any longer. I'm not planning a future with the person I was planning a future with for the past 3 years any longer. It's all making my head spin. Maybe that's why I feel like vapors and heat are escaping from my skull. Maybe it's my emotions because I have been through ENOUGH in my life, no matter what anyone thinks. I just want to shut down, put in my time, and never make a new connection with anyone ever again. Cause one minute they're here and the next they're gone (and this has to do with my old job and my former mate...you can't trust anyone). I can't take that anymore. I'm not built Ford tough. I'm not built like a tank neither. Or a Hummer. I've got to adjust to my new routine and try not to cumble. I'm a strong person underneathe all this fluff, otherwise I would have taken a flying leap a few years back. I just hope my transition to robot kicks in soon.

A wise woman recently told me to follow her mother's advice: act like you're worth a million bucks...and find a man who will treat you like two million.

I know it's disgusting, believing and trusting.

There is always a moment when you think, "Things can't get any worse. There is nothing else that can happen that can make my current situation any more difficult". And you look at that like it's a plus. If you think that you're at the bottom already, the only place you can go is up. But then something DOES happen to make your situation worse. You didn't think it was possible but what do you know anyway? I've been down. I've been having a hard time recently emotionally, physically, what have you. And I've always heard (in movies or from religion buffs) that God never gives you more than you can handle at a given time. Well, I hope God thinks I'm Wonder Woman because I've got just about all I can take. I know that I am at the end of my rope. I also know that I am just about to the point where things are going to stop shocking me. I'm going to accept feeling bad as feeling normal. Then what happens to me?

I wish I could talk about what's going on, what happened yesterday. But it's too new. Too fresh. I need to let it all sink in. All I'll say is that I heard a lot of things about myself that just hurt. There's no fancy word to describe it all. It just hurt. And everything that was said was said to be mean. There was nothing constructi.ve about it. And hearing all these God-awful things from someone who supposedly loves you...someone you KNOW you've been good to...it's just unbeliveable. And I know there's people out there who might be really overjoyed to know that I'm hurting. Well, here you go. I'm hurting...and at the worst time possible. Enjoy. It just all blows my mind. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING...is different about me. I am the same person I've always been, weird quirks and all. I have not changed since day one and I won't change because I don't think anything is wrong with me. Or I didn't until I got a long list of all the things that are wrong with me. Like I didn't have a list of things to worry about already.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this garbage, I turned 29. Great.

Isn't that the way they say it goes?

Pity party, table of 1.

Here we are, 3 short days away from my birthday and I have a serious case of the blues. I've been trying to shake them because everyone from here to the rocky beaches of Guam knows I love my birthday but I can't. Blues city, man. And the worst part is that my mopey attitude has nothing to do with my birthday. I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and it's keeping me awake at night. I used to have this nag right after I graduated from Kent. I would wake up freeeeeaking that I had missed a class or forgotten an assignment or didn't study for finals. But school was over! I had my stupid diploma! WHY WAS I STILL SWEATING IT!?

I'm back in that place again but it's only partially about school. I am behind, I won't lie, but I was sicker than I think I've ever been. I've managed to schedule some make-up quizzes, etc., but it's all still bugging me. I feel like a failure right now. Plus, I'm feeling better but I'm STILL not feeling fixed. My body hates me and I hate it (I did like my smaller waist though). There's money issues, and new job issues, and boy issues, and home issues, and cat issues (Don Gato is sick and sick cats are expensive...plus, Lil' Shep needs to get fixed as that low moaning "cat in heat" sound is starting to emerge), and Pussyfoot issues, and Shark Attack! issues...and just issues. And I'm going to be 29 on Thursday and pretty much feel like a 29 year old child. I'm bummed. I don't want to ride the D-train.

I miss my friends. That doesn't help this ugh feeling that's taking over. I haven't seen anyone since...I don't know when. Sitting in a hospital gown with Johnny next to me (fully clothed) doesn't really count. I miss Carol. I really miss Becky. I'm terrified to start my new job next week and eventhough I've been DYING to get out of my most-recent ridiculous employment situation, it's contributing to my sinking feeling. I walked out on a job I've had for 3 years and eventhough I KNOW for certain it was the right thing to do, I still feel sore for some reason. I worked hard and was good and my job but I had a knucklehead for a boss so I'm angry...I had to leave because he couldn't give anyone security. Ugh and ick and BLATHER!

I thought retail therapy would help a little. I bought new sheets and a new quilt with some birthday gift card. Expanded my collection of tiny useless porceline trinkets and got a super swanky new shower curtain. Even bought some new drawers! Ooh la la. But it didn't really help. It just made me think about how I don't have enough money to buy any of the items I want from the Converse clothing collection at Target and how my sisters are real, grown-up, full fledged adults and I'm a scumbag. A scumbag who can't wait to eat Japanese food on Friday and chillax with her friends. Hopefully they can (at least temporarily) soothe this bottomless stomach feeling. Cause I can't stomach it anymore and running off to New York to live with John Krasinkski isn't an option...no matter how recently single and foxy he is.