***

I remember when blogging was my absolute favorite thing to do, then life got in the way and life got a little messy. So I'm here once again to let you know that I'm still alive and I still have every intention of continuing to blog about my little, insane, messy life.

Right now, life consists of being a mom to my best pal, Spencer. Man, that kid blows my mind. My heart is NO DOUBT on the outside of my body at all times, exposed to the elements. You think you're tuff? Become a parent. Then you realize that you are naked ad raw, no armor strong enough to protect you from constant worry, panic, hurt. THEN heap on top of parenthood the fact that your kid is sick or challenged or both. You become one walking open wound.

But the awesomeness outweighs any of the ick, I'll tell you what. I absolutely love being a mom. If I didn't get such a late start on parenting (and if Spencer didn't need just a little extra love...which I am MORE THAN HAPPY to give), I would've had a million kids. Sorry, vagina. It's true.

So that's where I'm at...still. Life revolves around being Spencer's mom and I wouldn't have it any other way. He stole my heart. I'd love to give him a brother or sister but I just can figure out how it would be possible for me to split my love between Spencer and someone else. He owns me. He can cure absolutely anything that ailes me. And that's why it hurts so bad to see him go through some of the things he goes through. He can turn my world upside down but I can't take away his pain. It's so unfair. But I try. Because NO ONE is going to tell me I was a bad mother. NO ONE is going to tell me I didn't give him 110% of myself.

It makes you wonder how shitty parents can be so shitty. How can you hurt your kids? How can you neglectthem? How can you abandon them? I won't lie. When Spencer was born, it flashed through my mind that maybe he needed more than I could give. Maybe there was someone that would be a far better mother to him than I could be. He was a hurt bird. Thinking about if there were parents that could take better care of a hurt bird was because I loved him so much. I wasnted what was best for him. It just took a minute to realize that I AM WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM.

And he's what's best for me.

So...I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive. And I'll be back.

***

I hate 2011. It was supposed to be this incredible year. I was having a baby, my pregnancy was a cake walk, everything was golden. But that didn't last long, did it?

My son was born with all kinds of complications that have led to 5  I can't different sets of doctors and constant appointments and evaluations, including monitoring for cancer. And on the cancer front, Brother Ed is still fighting the good fight as it has shown up in his bones and who else is now on Team Cancer with Spencer? Phoebe! I still can't even believe this bullshit. I'm in shock that she had chemo and radiation this week. I can't believe that she's in such rocking spirits...I feel the same way after Spencer flashes a big smile while they're drawing his blood at the Hematology/Oncology clinic. My brother-in-law had to have surgery today so that he doesn't have to live the rest of his life in misery and I had to have surgery on Tuesday because I JUST HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH HAPPEN THIS YEAR!

I'm so overwhelmed. The hits just keep coming.

But I don't have time to fall apart because the cutest dude in the world, wearing his new orange monster jammies, is next to me sounding the alert that he's ready for his brunch. His goofball faces and silly antics are really the only things holding my head on right now. There are still several weeks left in 2011. I wonder what the Hell else could happen to me and the people I love. The people that don't deserve any of this shit.

And that's what it is. Complete shit.