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I've had to rearrange my life a little. Besides cutting down on my time in the Blogosphere, I've also cut down on my time in the working world. I have 2 weeks left of my maternity leave...a thought which makes me nauseated...and when I go back, I'll be working shorter days. This is good for many reasons. Spencer has a lot of appointments, I'm having emotional issues here and there, this will allow me more time to focus on his health and development, and less hours at the sitter. It was a tough decision but it's the right decision. Nothing is more important to me than Spencer. Nothing should be more important than your child, including your job. And luckily, everyone at work was understanding. We had some unexpected hurdles when Spencer was born, so people probably expected some changes to occur. But I felt bad asking for this. Like I'm a burden or like I'll slack at my job. But I need to learn how to not care. I'll do a good job like I've always done at work. But I need to do an AWESOME job at being a mom. Cause if I don't, I'll never forgive myself. Being the best mom Spencer can get is my top priority. I made a promise to him in the hospital and I'm keeping it. No matter what sacrifices I have to make.

***

Life is hard. Trying to make sense of bad things that happen just causes more pain. I wish I could turn my brain off. The good days/moments are starting to outweigh the bad more and more but when the bad hits, it knocks the wind out of me. I know this drowning feeling will eventually pass but I'm not sure if I'll ever be 100% repaired. I never thought things would be this way. I'm living proof that if you think things can't/won't happen to you, they can. Having all the facts gives you all the power. I was clueless and now I'm making the slow climb back to solid ground.