Mean and evil. Dirty, rotten.

I'm feeling a little emo. Forgive me.

I'm also feeling frisky and dissed which adds to my emo-ness.

I'm getting ready to take a trip down memory lane and I'm taking you with me. I hope you all went potty before we left Sanityville because this is going to be a whopper! But let me preemptively state that the man that is going to appear in our scheduled flashback is not someone I'm longing for. Just to set the record straight. He was/is a good man and an all-around cool dude but our going separate ways was for the best. Mostly for him because he was never going to figure me out (I pre-warned him of that...I'm trouble) and I was never going to be what he wanted (unless he wanted a partial Schizo scrambling his brain for all of eternity). It's the situations we were in and the ambiance of our whole duo that are sort of adding to my emo symptoms. This is not about my former husband, by the way.

So here we go...now that you know what's what.

I was discussing something with Switchblade which lead to me rambling about some of the men in my life, which I tend to do, and to one inparticular that I KNOW was my best match. We clicked like no other people that I've known in my life (besides Tom and Carol Shoe-Lane) could. He was by far my best match and maybe I'll lable him "the one that got away" some day. I don't know. I hope not because that may lead to me poking myself in the leg with foreign objects, no doubt. Regardless, it's that clicking I've been longing for.

I look back on our "thing" with fondness. No regrets, no ill will. And that's a great feeling. Driving to his house was the best road trip ever and driving home was the longest, most painful roadtrip ever. From the first time I ever went there, CLICK. Instant. And the constant laughing! Tops. I'm not saying I don't click with my guy. I've never felt about anyone the way I do about him. Go ahead and question that. I do every day. There are just things I did with this other guy I wish I was doing now. If he reads this, he'll know who he is when I list things like eating cheesecake in bed at midnight, smoking cigarette after cigarette while watching movie after movie, laying on the bed in 18 bazillion positions while laughing and laughing, wrapping myself around his back while he fiddles with this or that, wearing his hoodie to feel close to him (this applies to Leo...I even got to KEEP his hoodie as it was from his LARGE collection...he's migrated upward and outward). And the phone calls. Hot damn.

Things were just good. I fit in with his friends and his scene and was his biggest supporter and listening ear. And like I said, it's not HIM, it's the situation. I want to be able to call Leo up late at night after a show and talk to him while laughing hysterically, pacing back and forth in a parking lot, eventually laying on the ground, looking at the stars. I want him to want me to do that. I want him to be so excited to get my call and for me to NOT be afraid to call him whenever I want or ask him to hang whenever I want. This "thing" I had with this guy...it was good stuff and I didn't handle it very well. I'm a bad, bad girl. Shame on me.

This is just frustration. I mean, come on ladies. HOLLA IF YA HEAR ME! I need some hollas. I DID get a late night message saying, after a few other drunk messages, that he wanted me next to him. And he DID call me a bazillion times where he laughed alot and he made my day. And he DID make sure to say, "Tell Johnny I said 'Hi'" and he DID hold my hand in front of the Pussyfoot Girls which means A LOT to me. I guess I just wish things were going a bit FASTER. Maybe I should enjoy the slow pace.

He had a girl in his life that just left not too long ago. No one wants to rush into something else no matter how KICK ASS the person is (shameless self-promotion).

One thing that has stayed the same from my previous relationship-y thing to this current "seeing someone" bit is that no matter how much time goes by...a year there, a year here...I still get a chill up my spine when my guy touches my hand or my neck or kisses me or holds my hand. Every hand holding or snuggle session felt like the first one. Then and now.

Maybe I should consider myself lucky and quit bitching.

Bitches bitch just like truckers truck. Yeah, I used "truck" as a verb.

END EMO TRANSMISSION.