I'm having a hard time right now. I had a bad day and a half. There was some erratic behavior on my part, a succession of unnecessary phone calls, and plenty of tears. Phoebe tried to be a comforting friend but I was just in my own world. Stuck in my own head right now. To be honest, I'm terrified, but it's a long story. I can just say that I'm starting to realize how hard it is to need someone. Wanting them is easy. Needing is one of the most frightening things. What if that person goes away? You can easily stop wanting them but how to you stop needing them? But I really didn't and still don't want to get too deep into anything. I'm trying to recover.
I didn't leave my room yesterday...not for too long of a period. I think I went to the bathroom once, took a shower, got a fan from downstairs. Outside of that, I was a television raping zombie. I watched for hours and hours on end. I didn't eat. I had nothing to drink. I haven't slept yet. I think I passed out from exhaustion, boredom and upset for an hour but then I was up. Tossing and turning and sweating and crying. It was not good. Not good news at all. I could have taken sleeping agents to help me out...even my back pills would have gotten me there but for some reason, I wanted to feel bad. Maybe I was punishing myself.
I know this sounds all poetic and depressed and I hate sounding that way. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I have a little case of the blues. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I feel like a total spazz and I'm scared of how my current emotional state is going to affect other people, important people, in my life. I'm barely good at talking let along apologizing but I'm sorry to anyone who may have needed me yesterday that I ignored. I just couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone. There was only one person I wanted to talk to and I knew that wasn't going to happen. I'm feeling a weird sense of shame right now. I am embarrased and ashamed.
I'll feel whole again once I'm back in his bed where I belong.
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