I shouldn't even focus on today as being a landmark in my life. I should focus on the fact that in 8.5 hours, I'll have a house full of people and bands rockin' out in honor of 4 people I would fight tigers for. They all popped out of their mamas during the month of March and I can't think of a better reason for a celebration. But I picked an iffy date for the event.
Today would have been my 3 year wedding anniversary.
Regardless of the fact that I am over the moon about another guy, it still stings when I think about what I went through. I'm 27 and divorced and it rots. There's no way around that and there's so many painful, gut destroying memories that are creeping up on me. Due to the symbolism of today's date, I've been replaying them over and over in my head. Now, I do not love my ex-husband anymore and he isn't even a part of my life in any way (unless you count the few random objects I still have from our life together and the fact that I can't really listen to Sam Cooke anymore), but I do keep thinking, "Could we have made it work? What if we had tried a little harder? Would I be in Vegas right now, celebrating? How did we fuck this up so bad when we were so in love?".
I think this is all pretty normal junk. Like I said, I'm madly in 'cheese sandwich' and can't really imagine still having Ezra as my partner, eventhough it has been said that we are more compatible now then we ever were and it's too bad we can't be together by one of his closest (probably THE closest) friends. The wheels in my head are just going because of what happened three years ago today. In two days, it will be a year since we were laying in bed, eating pizza and watching "Fat Albert" and he looked at me and told me it was over. I think I have a right to feel sort of blue. No one can tell me differently.
For posterity, let's review how things were on this date for the past 3 years.
AFTER THE WEDDING
It's 12:42p Las Vegas time and it's good to be home.
I DO NOT LIKE: little airplanes that wiggle from start to finish, taxi cabs where the drivers like Nascar, cards that advertise hookers being handed to me on the street, reaching for Roulette chips before the marker has been moved and being reprimanded, girls that say "Heeeeeeeeeey" and raise their fake nails in the air, having to stand in an Elvis pose during professional photographs, Harry Potter and Star Trek: Nemesis as in-flight movies, different time zones, losing all the money I was excited to have made, blisters from wearing high heels, missing Johnny's birthday, motherfucking jetlag, leaving Las Vegas one day too early and therefore missing the B-52s at the Hilton, every dick in Vegas asking Pirate how he gets his hair to stay up, landing.
I DO LIKE: being refered to as "wife", winning 5.00 on black due to Meg-Dog's insight (along with approx 75.00 in video poker and 110.00 in Roulette and Craps...all of which was lost so refer to above), a hotel view of the mountains, 5.99 buffets that feature the world's best round potatos, the book "White Oleander" which has taken good care of me during the plane rides, getting a lift back to the hotel with an Elvis impersonator (named Gary), getting cheese, cookies, and berries as an airplane snack, the New York New York Hotel and Casino, the stuffed flower that Brodie won me with darts (second only to watching him bust a move on some dancing video game), beligerant Brett's defiance regarding Las Vegas' right to his "quarter", being drunk at 1:00p Vegas time.
I LOVE: The Knife, Brodie, my husband (not only for marrying me but for saying things like Hello wife), and 1.00 MARGARITAS.
1st ANNIVERSARY
Who knew we would make it to 1 year? I certainly didn't, I'll tell you that much! I'm going to wish myself a Happy 1 Year Anniversary(it's the paper anniversary so fork over your cash!) because I consider it QUITE an accomplishment and a special occasion INDEED!
Last night, what was supposed to be a birthday gathering for my Mom was actually a surprise anniversary party for us kids. We even had a wedding cake, which was totally abscent at the actual wedding. And gifts!! We got our first wedding gifts...also abscent since the actual wedding (wah). New dishes, glasswear, pillows, picture frams, CASH...the whole event really destroyed any ill feelings I had about my family's disintrest in my union. It was a rad evening and just what I needed.
For my paper anniversary, I recieved plane tickets to Las Vegas. I don't want to jinx anything, but right now, I don't feel like things could get any better. I'm in a swell mood, MARK THIS DOWN ON YOUR CALENDARS, Y'ALL! And ask me how I'm going to spend my special day. I'll tell ya...I'm going to dinner and a movie with The Knife because my husband (of 1 year) has to work. So responsible!!
Enough babble. Las Vegas preparations need to me made and I am the one who needs to make them! Feel free to send your anniversary greetings my way!!!
2nd ANNIVERSAY PART ONE
Two years ago on this very day, around this very time, I was standing in my white polka dot dress before a Puerto Rican camera man, a gold la mae-clad Elvis impersonator named Gary, my two witnesses (Brodie Davis, Jr. and The Knife), and the man whom I would shortly be bound to for the rest of eternity...or longer if I become a vampire as planned. We swapped some vows in a 1950s-inspired diner and became man and wife, for better or for worse. I think we've survived the worst of the worst and can count on some better times ahead. I supposedly said it once and I'll say it again: I look at him, being all goofy, and I know I got the best of the bunch.
Yesterday we became first time home owners and I have never been happier (except, perhaps, when I bought the door knocker but now it officially has a door to go on). Life sure had a way of shocking the Hell out of me. I married the man for me, graduated, found a job that kicks ass as far as I'm concerned, and now, I'm going to be buried in the back yard of a house that I'm pretty sure was built for us to live in...way back in 1929...so we're a little late in our arrival. Sometime this summer, there will be one Helluva house warming champagne jam in the West Park area of Cleveland and it won't be reminiscent of being packed in a sardine can! Screw you, Kent! I'm outta heeeeeeeeeeeere! And all you Clevelanders...lend me some sugar! I am your neighbor!
2nd ANNIVERSAYR PART TWO
Not the second anniversary I had imagined even if it did start out with rad text messages, a dozen roses, cowgirl coasters, and 4 Shag Pink Panther glasses followed by a romantic dinner. Our outing ended in crocodile tears, cruel words pulled out of the meanest parts of us, and broken, bloody hearts. I am hated and I get that but it's like pouring poison in my ear to hear the same person who was showering me in affection earlier tell me that they don't want a house and don't want to deal with bickering and don't want to deal with me. I understand that getting back together is equally as difficult as breaking up and that I have to fight for this...but sometimes I make mistakes and roll my eyes and get hurt feelings and bicker. I'm human (though I do prefer to tell people I'm a robot).
Eventually, after white trash World War III, the night ended with us being all intertwined like crazy snakes the ENTIRE night (and he rarely cuddles me so it was pretty effin' neat) but I was getting up every 15 minutes to cry hysterically in the bathroom so I didn't vibrate the bed. I was terrified to initiate any discussion about whether or not we were OK and if he was 100% sure he didn't want the house that he had been so thrilled about but after he called me "baby", I found the words. I was reassured that we are OK and in love and together and are both going to be nicer and better to one another. I was also told that the Cleveland move is on, thought I was less convinced about this. He admits he's scared but claims he's still happy and excited. I, on the other hand, feel like a royal jerk-off for how our anniversary turned out and I almost feel ashamed for being so excited about moving when my aprtner is so weary. I feel like a lesser life form that is some times hated by the person I love.
I had an uneasy day with my family coloring Easter eggs. It was good to see them and I had fun and caught a nice nap but I was worried...a little panic had set in about last night's fight. I needed more reassurance that things were really and truly alright between myself and Duckie. The excitement I had about "the house" wasn't in full affect as I was showing off pictures and the new door knocker and talking about moving. I felt sad. So instead of going to see Brennan's Revenge and Nightbreed this evening, I'll be in my bed in my pajamas, all nervous-like, watching "Fat Albert", "The Incredibles", and "Taxi", hoping that I'll get some company. I want to go back to yesterday morning when we were the happiest couple on the planet and then to tomorrow night where I would let what started our bickering to just roll off my back. If only I had finished that time machine...
*End note: I shouldn't have read these things. Fuck.*
1 comment:
you are better than what you leave behind.
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