Miss the vein once. Try, try again.

So today, I pretty much elected to remove my spine and slither but only after I saw another snake, who had not slept and was rocking a fierce stomach ache (caused my emotions, not illness), crawling on his belly as well. Or maybe it was some sort of animal retreating with it's tail between it's legs. Either way. You get the point.

I tried. Believe me, I did. To do what was the RIGHT thing for everyone concerned. To do what would end some of the heartbreak I was going through. To do what I thought would help ease the confusion of someone I cared about. Moral and upstanding and righteous! I made a choice and a sacrifice and no matter how much pain it was causing me and how barely alive I felt, I stuck to it.

For two whole days!!!

I tried to ignore him! I tried not to look at him! I tried not to react when he asked me if I hated him (I said I did...it was a lie! I had to tell him I was a big, dumb liar which lead directly to MAKING UP!!!!!!). The more I am apart from this person, the more I come to terms with the fact that I can NOT be away from this person! I'm sure that to plenty of people, I seem like an idiot or like a puppy or like this whole thing is just bullllllllshit. I know how it seems! I can step outside and take a look and say, "What ARE you doing? Haven't you seen like one million movies JUST LIKE THIS!?!". But there's things no one sees and knows and I know that sounds like trash, too. I just don't give a flying fig at this point!

I will be the only one in my coffin! Am I right?!?!?!

I know people want to protect me and I appreciate that, I do. But it would be nice to be encouraged or rooted for every now and again by someone on my team. Hell, someone I am just NOW becoming pally with seems to think that after all this holiday nonsense and some time, that things will go my way. And not only that, this person told me how much I would add to the life of the fella in question ( I think it was "adventure" I was bringing). I would like to think she was being honest because she has nothing to gain by lying to me. So where are MY back-up singers??

The honest truth is, I've felt like half a person since Saturday night. This may sound totally like I need to put my helmet back on but it boils down to this: I may have hurt when I was with him but I hurt far worse when I wasn't, and the same goes for him. And the only person I have to live with or make happy is myself. We're both confused. We're both feeling guilty. But we can't give each other up no matter how hard we try. It's getting harder and harder as we get closer and closer. We're like JOHNNY AND JUNE CARTER CASH!!!

This is a hard situation but I truly need some support. I'm practically begging for it at this point. I'm all jello-y. I hope everyone...at least, everyone who KNOWS the gorey and gruesome and someone despised details...can just rally for me for awhile. And keep their fingers tightly crossed.

I've never been so sure of where my heart is at in my entire life. Hopefully, all y'all can just believe in that.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you"---Elizabeth Barret Browning.