Life has been overly serious recently. Way too up and down for my taste. I find myself having to prove myself everywhere I go and that's just not my style. I am who/what I am, take it or leave it. I really don't like having to defend myself or make people understand where I'm coming from. Especially to people who have NO IDEA what my life or job are like, people who I don't exactly respect that much anymore. It's hard to bust ass for and be enthusiastic about people who aren't holding in high regard these days. I guess I just have to suck it up for now until I figure out what the smart thing to do with be.
A lot of this has to do with my career path, to be honest. My parents made the very generous offer to help me go back to school...even to grad school if that's what I wanted. I could rpobably go to Cosmetology school...whatever will make me happy. I think I'm a different person now than when I was an undergraduate. I have more of a drive and more ambition and just more of a general desire to learn and do well and be more. At this moment in time, I have nothing to prove to anyone where school is concerned. I would only have to prove something to msyelf. That I could get those kick ass grades, graduate with honors, get through it without losing my marbles. It's a lot to think about. Lots of decisions have to be made and I'll need a lot of support and back-up. Bill promised to do strip flashcards with me which was pretty sweet in a perverted way.
And while on this work and school rollercoaster, I've taken a detour regarding my relationship. My man has been hard to handle recently. Up and down. Up and down. And that gets to me. He is the one that can hurt me worse than anyone else. Finally I stuck up for myself and for one whole hour, I unloaded on him. Told him EVERYTHING I had to say about how I am treated. I am WORTH being nice to. I am WORTH keeping around. I am NOT going to be walked all over. I did this for a whole hour and put his listening skills to the test yesterday when we mixed an evening out with alcohol.
Everything was nice and friendly and kissy and what not and then it hit that peak where I said or did SOMETHING to rub him the wrong way. Instead of begging him to be nice or asking him what was wrong, I got quiet. Still enjoyed my evening, still talked to him but didn't lavish him in attention. That must have bigged him because then a lightbulb went off telling him that he was being a dork. He apologized and our night ended up being a nice night out. I let him vent on the drive home about anything he needs to. I said I needed someone to lean on and wanted to prove that he has that in me. If the night ends watching cartoons and drafting in the bed, I consider it a success.
I've been a bum today. Lots of sleeping and Netflix and that's A-OK for me. I haven't been in the best physical or mental shape recently and I haven't had much support (except for Phoebe...she's been the bomb...DA BOMB). Spending this day snoozing and resting and only doing what I wanted to and not having too much to worry about (things are good with Bill, I'm in a good place regarding work bullshit because I can only do what I can do, I refuse to LIVE my job, I've started to straighten up the joint in preparation to be livin' single) has been a nice change. And I get to have fondue with Phoebe tomorrow! It's nice to have a treat to look forward to.
Encough of this. My bed misses me and wants me to stop raving.
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