I always knew. I always saw it coming.

I am sad. And the worst part about being sad...besides the all consuming sadness...is the feeling of being left hanging. I had my first knock down, drag out fight with my fella and there's really nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to fix it, really. All I can do is wait it out and see what happens. I spent the end of my evening in my car, crying...sobbing..., trying to make things better. I relived so many times before when my ex-husband and I would be sitting in the car, yelling or screaming or crying or any combination of those. It was a nightmare. I don't like that things feel "up in the air". Things had been sooooo good. Everything seemed like it was falling into place. And then I guess we both managed to make each other feel like garbage. I don't know what to do. All I can really manage to do is think and cry and feel miserable. Somewhere in there, he told me exactly how he feels about me and that was incredible...except that it was in the middle of everything. In the middle of fighting and yelling and feeling like garbage. And even today, after plenty of time to cool off, there was something missing from his voice when I talked to him. He said he's sorry and hated seeing me cry and didn't mean to be a jerk and it wouldn't happen again but...God, it was bad. I feel so sad. I can't even talk about this anymore. I just have to try and not flip my lid until I know what's going on.