I'm allergic to you. Be allergic to me.

Woke up this morning in Detroit Rock City after a night of rock-n-roll, cheap beer, and shenanigans. From the second I woke up, I was unhappy to be there. It wasn't the company I was with and it wasn't the unbearable heat and it wasn't even the stink of the city. I started the day with a heavy load on my head which, in my mind, I couldn't deal with properly unless I was in my own state. I could have had an enjoyable afternoon in the motor city...the opportunity was there, but I was somewhere else.

I'm getting divorced tomorrow morning at 9:30.

I am still in a state of shock about the whole thing. It's so unreal to me. I married this guy because I thought we were the perfect match, an unstoppable pair, a team...but I guess I was wrong. I hate being wrong. I hate it more than rabies. I am terrified, to be quite honest. Besides the fact that I still don't know what court house to go to (which is just plain annoying), I can't imagine having to sit in the same room with him. When we had to go to the notary, it took all the strength I could muster not to push him down to the ground. It still sets my mind in whirl-mode that I loved someone so fucking much and then hated them equally as much with the snap of a finger. It took him 10 seconds to ruin my life. If it turns out that he was, in fact, the love of my life, I will be highly disappointed and probably move to Guam.

I know we had problems, issues, got married too young, too fast, but we had love and an insane bond that no one else I knew at the time had. I would have fought tigers to save it.

I just know that if the judge asks us if we did everything in our power to try and work it out, I'll say yes but in my heart, I'll know I am lying. He didn't try at all. He just spent a month hating me and being unreasonably mean to me...punishing me.

Tomorrow, I am expecting some entertaining surprises in my cubicle at work (I was tipped off...I wonder if they'll pass a card around like they do at birthdays) and after I make it through my first work day as a single gal, I will hit my first bar as a single gal (I prefer 'single' to 'divorced'). So while today I may be too busy to really pout and feel sorry for myself, I have an entire weekend of wallowing planned. Since my left and right crutches (Miss Phoebe Bean and Johnny Switchblade) will both be out of town, I am going to have a movie marathon with the theme "My Next Husband Will Be a Hot Greaser". I am going to stay in my cowboy pajamas from the time I get home from work on Friday until the Sunday cookout at my parents...I am going to drink as many cans of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper as possible and eat as much cheese as I can afford...I am probably going to cry a lot because the goal is to get it all out now so I can start my new (and smoke free!) life...I will be watching the following films (in no particular order...feel free to make additional suggestions via comments):

-Grease 1
-Grease 2
-Bye Bye Birdie
-The Outsiders
-Cry Baby
-Lords of Flatbush
-Shag

I don't care if that sounds like a pathetic way to spend a weekend. It's what I have to do, and I'm not against having visitors. I just don't think people get how hard this is for me...maybe because I make jokes, I'm not sure. But it IS hard. I don't like hearing people talk about why marriages fail and about divorce like they know how it feels because it KILLS ME. I didn't WANT to get divorced. I was in LOVE. I just wish that people could be a tiny bit more understanding because unless you've gone through it, you have no clue how painful and sad and humiliating and unbeliveable this is. I'm quite fragile right now and I need all my friends to support me and not brush off how I'm feeling. I could use a few more hugs for the next week or so. It's not a lot to ask.

But for the record, I know this is the right thing to do.

I am not in love anymore...but I am hurting.

Think of me tomorrow. Pray that I don't cry.