As an avid blogger and multimillionaire, I apologize for missing in action and totally neglecting the beautiful and Spring Fevery month of May. Not only have I been a particularly busy bee for the past week but I fell behind on my cable bill due to some unforeseen medical costs. Sure, that may sound irresponsible but I'm back in internet action and shall never neglect it again. All hail cyber space!
And now, to those of you who haven't abandon me during this drought, WELCOME to The Cleveland A!! If you are in with the in crowd, you know what that is and I salute you! Now I will try and catch you up on the goings on in my life via the "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" format. It won't be terribly interesting as there is relatively little nudity, horror, or that sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll business. There is cleavage, whiskey, and "Mature Woman with Younger Girls 5". So grab yourself an umbrella drink, kick back in your favorite chair, and let's roll!
First, and most importantly, I h8 (which is code for "I don't really HATE but I currently LOATHE") my "husband" with the power or Seven Deadly Samurai. The kid breaks my heart into one million unglueable fragments because he has a distorted view of what relationships are really like behind closed doors and didn't even give our reconciliation a fighting chance and THEN tries to control what I can and can not do! I have been forbidden by him to go into my local tattoo shop (the shop that I've been tattooed and pierced at for the past 3 years...the shop that fired him twice and treated him like a bitch yet he still went back to yet again).
I went in when he wasn't there with a friend who wanted to get pierced after asking the piercer if this was a-ok and got ripped apart for it. HE left ME and threw our marriage in the TRASH yet I am the bad guy. EFF THAT! He flew off the handle so I popped my top. I couldn't stand being treated like rotting fruit by him for one more second and now the power is in my hands. He had no regard for my feelings when he ripped my heart out Indiana Jones style. The sad thing is...I really loved him and it still stings. I'm glad we didn't breed...he should be sterilized.
Trying to pass a lighter back to it's owner and having him hold on to your hand for approximately 3 seconds is enough to make you "goop your bloomers", to quote the wisest woman I know. By the way, I miss you, wise woman.
Now that I got all of the hostile and gross stuff off my chest, moving day is quickly approaching and I can't wait to get out of this dead end town. There is nothing here worth saving (except Tootsie Pop) so they might as well just burn the whole mother down. Nothing and no one would be missed. The big move will make way for the big housewarming and the Summer of Lacey. Nothing but good can come of this. I already have a drinking contest scheduled and I am gonna win that blue ribbon! I may be little but I'm tough!
Went and saw "House of Wax" and was actually pretty scared! I was also strangely attracted to the killer. I baffle myself.
Plans for the second Pussyfoot Girls show are movin' right along, footloose and fancy free! We're really out doing ourselves in the "let's see how utterly ridiculous we can be while wearing minimal clothes" category. We've added songs by The Cramps, Hillbilly Varmints, Los Straitjackets, and Cult of the Psychic Fetus to our sets and the silly string and confetti poppers will be raining down on the crowd in abundance.
As far as my part goes...if Maggie Maalox and I can make it through "Itchy Pussy" in one piece, my stage fright will HAVE to be cured. Either that or I'll never be able to show my face in Cleveland again. One of the two. Either way, the website is in the production phase (http://www.thepussyfootgirls.com), stickers and pins are being planned, and hot DOG, there's going to be a spanking booth. Come get Pussy Whipped at the Beachland Tavern on Saturday May 21st. But don't expect thongs and pasties. We're more silly than slutty.
I got a letter from my soldier in Baghdad. I forgot how sexy getting a letter can be. I am going to save every one he sends me between now and next summer when his time has been served, tie them up with a velvet ribbon and stash them in this old box with the island of Manhattan on it. I can show them to my grandchildren some day. It's all very "black-n-white movie" like. We have plans to slow dance when he returns. I hope it's to "Sleepwalk" by Santo & Johnny. Hot-cha!
Tons of good shows coming up including a few with The Pussyfoot Girls (Deke Dickerson, Legendary Hucklebucks, a motorcycle show...???). It's going to be a busy summer. I'm going to have to switch back to Miller Lite so I don't get a PBR-belly at the height of burlesque season!
I miss all y'all. Believe that. Not as much as I miss a second season of "Freaks and Geeks". VIVA!
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