Pity party, table of 1.
Here we are, 3 short days away from my birthday and I have a serious case of the blues. I've been trying to shake them because everyone from here to the rocky beaches of Guam knows I love my birthday but I can't. Blues city, man. And the worst part is that my mopey attitude has nothing to do with my birthday. I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and it's keeping me awake at night. I used to have this nag right after I graduated from Kent. I would wake up freeeeeaking that I had missed a class or forgotten an assignment or didn't study for finals. But school was over! I had my stupid diploma! WHY WAS I STILL SWEATING IT!?
I'm back in that place again but it's only partially about school. I am behind, I won't lie, but I was sicker than I think I've ever been. I've managed to schedule some make-up quizzes, etc., but it's all still bugging me. I feel like a failure right now. Plus, I'm feeling better but I'm STILL not feeling fixed. My body hates me and I hate it (I did like my smaller waist though). There's money issues, and new job issues, and boy issues, and home issues, and cat issues (Don Gato is sick and sick cats are expensive...plus, Lil' Shep needs to get fixed as that low moaning "cat in heat" sound is starting to emerge), and Pussyfoot issues, and Shark Attack! issues...and just issues. And I'm going to be 29 on Thursday and pretty much feel like a 29 year old child. I'm bummed. I don't want to ride the D-train.
I miss my friends. That doesn't help this ugh feeling that's taking over. I haven't seen anyone since...I don't know when. Sitting in a hospital gown with Johnny next to me (fully clothed) doesn't really count. I miss Carol. I really miss Becky. I'm terrified to start my new job next week and eventhough I've been DYING to get out of my most-recent ridiculous employment situation, it's contributing to my sinking feeling. I walked out on a job I've had for 3 years and eventhough I KNOW for certain it was the right thing to do, I still feel sore for some reason. I worked hard and was good and my job but I had a knucklehead for a boss so I'm angry...I had to leave because he couldn't give anyone security. Ugh and ick and BLATHER!
I thought retail therapy would help a little. I bought new sheets and a new quilt with some birthday gift card. Expanded my collection of tiny useless porceline trinkets and got a super swanky new shower curtain. Even bought some new drawers! Ooh la la. But it didn't really help. It just made me think about how I don't have enough money to buy any of the items I want from the Converse clothing collection at Target and how my sisters are real, grown-up, full fledged adults and I'm a scumbag. A scumbag who can't wait to eat Japanese food on Friday and chillax with her friends. Hopefully they can (at least temporarily) soothe this bottomless stomach feeling. Cause I can't stomach it anymore and running off to New York to live with John Krasinkski isn't an option...no matter how recently single and foxy he is.
1 comment:
i'm a scumbag too, but i am not as bummed about it as you. in fact, i kinda like it. is that wrong? just think about how much more exciting our lives are than "normal" people our age. that's how i cheer myself up about the fact that i still don't have a real people job and my mom still packs my lunch sometimes. honestly, i wouldn't trade my scumbag life in for a normal one no matter how much you paid me.
also, you will be cheered up when you unwrap the two videos i bought you...and even moreso when you put them on and dance to them!! that's all i'm gonna say about that.
see you soon!
xo erin
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