I'm right behind you, win or lose.

Post Secret is getting worse and worse as the weeks go by. It is officially no longer on my list of time-sucking entertainment options. I guess I don't find the revelations of strangers very interesting any more.

Or maybe I'm just edgey because I have a frozen core.

...

That wasn't any sort of wishy-washy psychological commentary on my life. I'm actually physically freezing to the point where my skin hurts. We camped out this weekend and despite 24 hours of rain, it was a good time. The rain was light and misty most of the time so it felt very Fall. Very Halloween. And I was physically fine the entire time...slept like a baby zombie in my new sleeping bag.

It was nice to see this before departing...

When we returned to Castle Grayskull, it all hit. We were cold, wet, and filthy. I took the best shower of my life and pajamas never felt so good. I made cheese soup, crawled back in my bag (on top of my bed...far better than on the ground), and tried to warm myself from the inside out. I think I'm still thawing out.

Fall is here. October is here. It's time to get my paint on.

I haven't used my new art room at all and it's my favorite room in the house. I've got paints, brushes, canvas, and an on-going list of things to paint: Stephanie's stomach-eating girl (no longer a uterus since we found out they're useful!), bacon & eggs to send to California, a ginourmous Castle Grayskull, Hissem's Linda Von, a shark eating a cupcake for my neice, and who can remember what else?? What do I want to do just to DO??

Oooh, Alphabastards!!!

And I keep thinking about black on stripes. Need to take that from head to canvas.

I can't wait to be slathered in acrylics, and not just because that's when Todd finds me most attractive! Plus, I think I'm going to give water colors a whirl. I've never been super awesome at them but it's time to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new. And I'll get on that just as soon as I'm done being uber-chilly.

Oh oh, I want some more. Oh oh, what are you waiting for?

DONE! Viva la Zombie Geisha!

(ignore my silly little footie)

But in sad news, all my thoughts go out to Stephanie and her family. I'm super sorry for the loss of your mom and if there's anything I can do, I'm here for you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for this situation but I don't so...I'll just send a cyber-hug your way.

XO

I will try and shake away this disease.

Before I ramble, please come visit Castle Grayskull before it snows!

We got a Wii Fit Plus last night. I have a crush on it. Big time.

I hula hooped, I jogged (!!!), I did step aerobics, and I can FEEL IT today. From a flipping video game exercise! The runt gave it a whirl and skied, skateboarded, walked the tight rope and had a sweaty brow when he was done.

Todd and I set goals to meet by the end of the year and I see zero problem in achieving them because I can't WAIT to work out again! I'm serious. It has yoga and strength training (eff you, planks...eff you right to Hell) and all that jive but the aerobics and balance things are so f-f-f-f-fun. That will keep us on track.

When I work out, I need results I can see. I need to know what I do is working. This shows me how much I weigh, what my BMI is (I'm normal), how many calories I've burned, how many minutes I've worked out. It keep track of my goal and tells me if I'm losing enough per week to meet it. These are the things I need. This is what motivates me.

Maybe it sounds silly but different things work for different people and I know this is going to work for me. I don't mind working out but I DO mind getting bored. In this situation, I have so much variety (and a little Mii, with glasses and a ponytail to watch) that it should be a breeze.

And all of this can only help me in terms of trying to breed and trying not to let chronic illnesses bog me down. Exercise is essential, especially since I refuse to give up ice-cream and pasta.  And I want ZERO winter weight this year...unless I'm growing a human being.

Happy Hump Day!

I remember when you said if I ever I should need a friend, it's you.

"Make yourself live, create, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it" - a snippet I stole from Windy's super charming blog, Juste Venteux. She is awesome, just like this quote. I am applying it to all areas of my life. Actually, I think I always have. Consider this is a reaffirmation.

I don't want to dive deep into yesterday's appointment but I will say this:

1. There is a plan and we feel really solid about it.
2. I have awesome friends who listen to me when I blather.

Backing up to the reaffirmation that I live somewhat passionately, as corny as that sounds, I have also discovered that in my life, I have been brave.  I've also been a complete basketcase, but when it's counted, I've been brave. That's pretty rad. It's dwindled a little since youth but I can still feel it lingering. I've got a little bit of the hero boy named Finn in my guts.

Now that the philosophical introspection is over...

This weekend is my family's bi-annual Halloween Campout and my little family of 3 is ppppumped! My aunt and uncle live on a farm and every other year, we set up tents waaaay on the back of their property, past barns, a pond, and up a hill. All the delicious chow is prepped over the fire and we fish, carve pumpkins, and...the best of all...walk through the Haunted Forest. My uncle REALLLLLY does it up. The kids go on scavenger hunts and on hayrides and all that jazz. We sit fireside with hot chocolate and cider and hang with a bunch of cool people.

It may sound cheeseball to you, but I love fall and fall festivities. I love the colors and the smells and the food and everything that goes with it. Pumpkins and pies and bonfires and Halloween. Scarves, hoodies, getting snuggly at night. All that stuff makes my world right. And the two dudes in my life are really looking forward to it which makes the whole thing that much more awesome!

So right now, all is right with the world.

Besides the fact that we have a costume wedding coming up and zero ideas : (

Oh!  I forgot to mention that I get to go see Karl tomorrow to finally finish the zombie geisha wedding tattoo! I love it so much and am mega antsy for it to be tomorrow afternoon already! YEEHAW!

Well it isn't a problem. Nothing we can't solve so just relax.

I hate the term "lover". I hate when people refer to the people they have sex with as their "lovers". We're not in France, people. We're not in any European country. "Lover" is unacceptable here. Just call it like it is.

I'm not in the most cute-n-fuzzy mood this morning. Having a doctor's appointment can do that to you. Especially one where you're going to get poked and prodded in your nether regions. Sounds like fun but not in this case. Rats.

I got to meet and hold baby Olivia this weekend so my Baby Fever is up a few degrees. She is pure Heaven, I tell you what. Nothing in this world (short of kitten breath) is better than baby fingers and toes. So cute and so creepy. And I could've just eaten her face. Perfection. Anyway, both Todd and I are smitten with Olivia. When I held her, she held my boob, so I know we're friends for life.

Ben is leaving for Thailand next Wednesday so we went to his Bon Voyage shindig on Saturday with Switchblade. It was fun to see some of the series regulars and sit bonfire-side, shooting the breeze. I need more of that in my life. Stephanie looks god damn awesome and I can only hope I look a fraction as good as she does when I become a host. I'm with Ben..."lovely" is the best descriptor.

And for the record, his new nickname is "The Drink" and not "The Drake", despite what he might want you to believe. And even if he won the right to be called "Texas Ben" in a beer chugging/pie in the face contest, he'll always be Uncle Benjamima to me. And Texas Pete will always be Texas Pete.

Simple as that.

And congrats to Joey and Jackie who recently got engaged. All these Ol' Kentucky Babies and Weddings, I can't believe it. I guess we're all growing up. But don't let that fool you...we're still unbelieveably awesome. We just have awesome spouses and spawn now!

UPDATED

Since we have internet at home, I finally got to update...

STALKING MY LIFE!

We're caught up to August 21st but there are more pics to come. So go there and check out our weird world. And follow if you're not already. Because there have been and will be some shenanigans that you don't want to miss!

Love,

Me & Him

I'm not the hero I could be but not the dog I was.

HEY! HEY!  OVER HERE!

The Holden Arboretum is accepting applications for 20 artists to paint 5' tall garden gnomes for a project similar to the Rock Hall's Guitarmania. I REALLY want to get in on this project. I know there's a slim chance in Hell I'll get selected because there are so many rad local artists who are far superior (artistically) and slightly radder (personally) than I am. But I'm going to try.  When I really want something, I fight tooth-n-nail for it leaving sweat on the sheets and puddles of blood on the streets!

Each artist can submit up to 3 designs with their applications. I know I want to do something Day Of The Dead inspired for sure because it's colorful and it's me. And POSSIBLY something Cleveland inspired (thanks for the idea, Tessa). Maybe turn the little dude into a geisha girl...if that's even possible, I may be thinking to abstractly. Anyway, I'd like to pick your brains for some other cool/funny ideas. I've got a creative bunch of friend and acquaintances out there. And I want my gnome at the Arboretum, dammit!

I hope I can count on your support and encouragement.

Would you ever show or tell? Cause you're so good so far.

"Im putting the hd box in our room today.  N ill gather stix n twigs n leaves feathers etc n make u a nest". - Todd, who claims he isn't totally annoyed with having a sick wife, which I hope is true.

He must really be worried about me because he's actually encouraging me to let both my body-n-brain rot in bed with all those horrible shows I tape which includes, but it not limited to, last night's Adventure Time with Finn & Jake, 28 episodes of No Reservations and a Top Chef D.C. marathon.

A study is saying that eating 1 serving of fatty dairy foods a day can help decrease 1 certain type of infertility or something like that. I think Todd is under the impression that I am funding this particular study. What can I say?  Ice cream is awesome.

Bye.

If I could pull this off, would I know for certain the real situation behind the curtain?

Who wants to play doctor??

So we all know that I have a chronic condition that constantly karate chops my immune system to shreds. My immune system is a weakling that gets sand kicked in his face. We also know that previously mentioned condition has caused me to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is constantly engaged in a bloody, gut-spilling war with my current insomnia. This much we know.

We also know that outside of a cocktail of vitamins and mineral, low stress levels and adequate sleep (which are impossible to achieve), and a $660 per month medication that MAY or may NOT help SOME people SOMETIMES with the Chronic Fatigue (but not at all with the actual condition) and is not covered by insurance, there is nothing anyone in the medical field can do for me. Yes. This we know as well.

What we DON'T know is what the Hell is going on with me now.

For a week now, I've felt like dirt. Nothing fancy. Just dirt. Since my body and I have been hating each other for 31 years, I've gotten pretty good at diagnosing my own troubles. Earlier in the week, it was a sinus infection. Later, it seemed like the flu. But now...I'm clueless. So I'm putting it out there for debate.

I've felt hungover since Sunday morning. Sure, we had cocktails during Anniversary Weekend, but I'm not a frat guy anymore so I wasn't hungover. That feeling has hung on though and it's still kicking my can. It's like a combo of feeling hungover AND drunk simultaneously. And I've had a 102 fever since yesterday afternoon. Could explain why I feel like heat is pouring off the top of my head like cartoon vapors and the head itself  might detach and float away like a balloon. From the neck down, I'm frozen, penguin-style.

Besides a toasty internal temp and overall "weird" feeling, I guess I'd classify myself as ALRIGHT. I have an appetite, I felt decent enough to cook and eat dinner last night (and it was steak so I wasn't effing around), but it feels like I'm doing everything with a buzz on! Or it feels like I'm pushing through a hangover! And that's just not the case. My interest in boozin' and prankin' is minimal at best. So what is going on with me??? Why have I felt like my head's been in a keg for the last week??

And let me stress, this truly has nothing to do with drinking and alcohol and all that. I just want YOU to know that I know the difference between being ill and being drunk/hungover. Those are just the best ways I can describe how I'm feeling. Cause we've allll (besides maybe you, Erin, but you can imagine Josh with his head out the window yelling about Heath Ledger and how he probably felt the next morning) been there. Am I right?

And a 102 temp can't be good.

Maybe I'm not even functioning right now! Maybe I'm in a coma!

I'm gonna eat some Sno-Caps and marinate about this for awhile. But before I do, I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my little Mamacita in Korea! I wish I could deliver myself there in a cake for you but I bet customs would have all kinds of problems with that. I hope you have a fan-flipping-tastic day! xoxoxo

And in not sick-stuff news, I got a sweet anniversary card. Love that guy.

I don't care what they say about us anyway. I don't care about that!

Nothing says "1st Anniversary" like a man shoving his fingers down his throat in the broad daylight on a downtown sidewalk! Welcome to Cleveland, everybody.

Besides that horror, our weekend was a smashing success.

Since we never hang downtown, it was like being away on vacation. We went to the Bodies exhibit which, while super awesome, wasn't worth the price. I think we saw everything in about an hour but  hey, it was something different to do. And I scored a Giant Microbe for my collection (Swine Flu) from the gift shop. SCORE!

I've taken Anatomy and Physiology (aced it, in fact) but seeing all this stuff up close and personal was a little spine chilling. The fetal developement section was rad, the digestive tract and cross sections of genitals I probably could've done without. And who knew the liver was so ginormous??

Speaking of liver, I'm on the wagon for awhile. I need a change. Moving on...

We went to the 4th St. Grill/Corner Alley and had lunch and cocktails. I am DYING to bowl there but who has $35 an hour for shenanigans like that? I couldn't even justify that on Anniversary Weekend. We checked into the hotel and parked it on the king sized bed to watch "Get Him To The Greek" and just be together. After that we hit the bar for complimentary cocktails and then hoofed it to Chocolate Bar.

When we walked up there was a flood of people with footballs and hats and all kinds of security. Why? Because the Browns stay at The Arcade where the Chocolate Bar is. While I sat on patio, Todd got pictures of EVERYBODY (besides Josh Cribbs). He kept coming back to check on me but I was cool with it because he was so pumped. I loved seeing him so happy. Some people had been waiting there for hours and we just waltzed up and scored.

After drinks (hello, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup martini), dinner, and dessert (A-MAZ-ING), another SVU rolls up and Todd jokes that it's probably Cribbs...and it was. He scooted over and snapped some photos. And awhile later when he reappeared, me and my martini breath stole a pile of napkins and a pen and got his autograph for my guy. Josh Cribbs likes my tattoos and congratulated me on 1 year of marriage as he's been married for 8. I think it made Todd's whole night. The fact that Poltergeist was on TV when we went to bed made mine.

We skipped breakfast to soak up more hours in that bed. I swear it was made out of marshmallows and kittens and Heaven. If I could have fit the bed in our bag, I would have stolen it even though I'm anti-theivery. I need to return the pen to Chocolate Bar. We took our fishbowl heads to Winking Lizard for the 1st half of the game and decided home would be an awesome place to be.

I napped on Todd for the 2nd half of the game and then we ate our wedding cake, per tradition. It was a nice way to wrap things up. He offered to go get takeout Macaroni Grill for me but I didn't need it. My weekend was awesome. We got tons of texts, calls, Facebook messages from our friends and family telling us that they loved us and can't believe it's been a year. I can't either.

Memories.

9/19/09, a year ago, we got married downtown.  I had a mimosa with Phoebe at breakfast. Ohio State was playing and traffic was horrible. It was the 1st time my dad saw Todd's hair up. Bob & Stephanie were the last faces I saw before I walked down the aisle. I didn't cry. Todd almost did. Little Jen was the 1st person to call me Mrs. Gansert. I got great hugs from John Jackson and Erin when we left the church. Todd and I had "a moment" alone where he told me I looked beautiful. Todd and I were the 1st people in the photobooth. We were introduced to the Munster's theme song. At the reception, the 1st song that played was "Livin' Thing" by E.L.O. Phoebe bustled my dress. I traded heels for flip flops. We had a specialty drink made with Bubble Gum vodka. Sugar was the person I saw the most through the evening. I finally met Brian in person. Carol helped me with my dress in the bathroom. I was drinking Jameson & ginger ale. Todd and I danced to "Sleepwalk". People really got into the disco. Roni (my nephew's girlfriend) caught the bouquet. We cut a strawberry cupcake with a switchblade. My nephew and bro-in-law were the drunkest people there. The last song that played was "$100 Hangover". The last person I saw before going to the hotel was Lisa. We drove the Gray Ghost which was full of friends. A drunk OSU fan told me I looked hot. Tom held everyone back from getting in the elevator so Todd & I could be alone. The people in the room next to ours were at the wedding AFTER ours. We opened cards and presents. We went to bed husband and wife.

So here's to 1 year and as many more as my body holds out for.

I love you, Todd. Happy Anniversary.

Stand up and face the enemy! It's a do or die situation.

MY ZOMBIE GEISHA IS ALMOST DONE!

Todd and I hung out with Karl for a few hours last night and I'm happy to say that after one more session, the zombie geisha on my shin that looks eeriely like Little Jen will be finished! Then we can move on to my dreeeeeam tattoo (covering up some garbage on my lower back that I thought was super cool one the day I turned 18) of cakes and pies and milshakes and cookies! But as for the geisha...it is officially my favorite. One Hell of a wedding gift! Thanks Karl!

But in less peppy news...I'm stuck in Sick City again. Todd thinks getting my leg worked on let my defenses down and the illness crept in. But now, instead of pesky a sinus infection, it feels like the flu. I always know I'm getting the flu because my neck starts to hurt in a very specific way. But I've been told to fight it! And fight it I will because Anniversary Weekend is right around the corner and we've been looking forward to it. So...

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

*kidney punch*

*groin stab*

Our anniversary plans got altered slightly but I'm just as pumped as I was before. We still have two days jam-packed with awesomeness. And jam-packed with wedding cake! I'm not sure how that tradition started but our cake has been in the freezer since 9-19-09 and I'm not going to break tradition. They say the first 2 years of a marriage are the toughest and we've made it half way without going full-out ninja on each other! GO US!

Now...I'm going to lay my head on my desk and whimper. FU, flu.

Nodoby knows where they might wake up. Nobody knows.

Things are looking up.

Just be sure to look your best. We will surely make the covers.

Balls. Dog balls.

First off, what nerve Google has by suddenly spell-checking what we search for. I don't need Google to be added to the list of things that remind me that I cannot spell. I appreciated the fact that no matter how badly I butchered a word, Google politely said, "Did you mean this?". Now it's throwing jaggedy red lines in my face. Jerks.

Speaking of butchering...

After bailing early on work do to the sinus infection from HELL  or beyond (which left me rotting in my bed all day), I fell in my own driveway and landed smack on my left hand which is now a lovely shade of black. So I had to baby my hand/wrist/arm, my head, and my brain. Yesterday can eat dirt. In the words of Carol The Shoe, "2010 can FUCK OFF!!!! Jezus, enough!!! I wish it had junk so I could kick it there". She used the word 'junk' so you know she's serious.

At least the latest Gray's Anatomy comes out on DVD today because I need something awesome to happen. It's only Tuesday so it's totally possible for the week to go downhill and for my head to actually detacth from my neck.  I'm hoping Tuesday takes a turn for the better. At least it's almost Anniversary Weekend and all I'll have to think about is a comfy hotel bed, room service, and shutting off my brain (with the help of cocktails served in chocolate cups).

Read THIS!!!  For real, save the damn sharks. These dudes chose to hang out in the shark's territory. They put themselves at risk. I remember awhile back when some dude or broad got their arm ripped off by a shark and people wanted to find the shark and kill it. WTF? If a shark came into your living room, into YOUR territory, you'd defend yourself! These people were in the shark's living room. Leave them alone!

Also, and this is NOT a statement about vegans or vegetarians or anything like that, but are the P.E.T.A. people ever happy? I never read any articles about how they're pumped or having good days or about how kittens are cute.  Every article I read is about what they're pissed about now. Come on and get happy, P.E.T.A.

No comment on the Lady Gaga meat dress.

And not because I've previously threatened to wear a bacon bikini.

I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant.

I AM HAVING AN AWESOME MORNING!

Sometimes you wake up and think, "It's just going to be another day". But it's not another day.  The day surprises you like bring hit in the face by a flying fish! Unless you're at a fish market, that would be fairly shocking, I would think. Where did the fish come from? Who is responsible for throwing this wayward fish? How am I going to get this fishy smell off my mug??

But I digress.

I got an e-mail from my mom that simply read "Today will be a 5 star day".

What's sort of sucko is how odd it feels to feel so super pumped. This should be how I feel EVERY FLIPPING DAY. It's not like I've been totally down in the dumps and listening to cry-baby music and reading The Bell Jar or anything. I've been having totally decent and memorable, fun-filled and low-key days. But today has just been awesome like WHOA! I like how awesome like WHOA! feels. I need to feel it more often.

I see a pair of Classic Cardy Uggs and Japanese food in my future.

Now that my heart rate has lowered and I'm feeling a little less manic, I can focus. I feel like I need to appreciate the super awesome days so days like yesterday seem far less craptastic. And it seems like it was stressful and craptastic mixed with a little bit of bananas for a lot of people. I'm glad Wednesday is over and has been replaced by this totally rad Thursday. I'm not even that distraught over the fact that Kelly from Top Chef had to pack her knives and go (sniff).

AWESOME LIKE WHOA!

Doin' anything you like and takin' it easy is all you ever need to do.

Hey long weekend...you were super awesome and I love you.

THURSDAY

I got some rad news at work so I was in a good mood, despite burying my grandma the day before. It was good to have a distraction. At night, I met Johnny at Boardwalk Bar and despite his Nikes, Indians shirt, and mega-short corporate haircut...he was still Switchblade which was good to know. 

We had a few drinks, declared their jukebox "awesome", and went to see the Breeders. He was double fisting Black Labels and I was as giddy as a teenager. Highlights: Saints, Divine Hammer, Bang On, Tipp City, Pacer, Cannonball, seeing an old bestie...and when Kelly Deal couldn't BELIEVE I would take her picture after she FORGOT to plug in her GUITAR for the LEAD! Forgetting to plug in your guitar doesn't make me love you any less, you hot mess.

FRIDAY

Friday, I woke up with a raging sore throat, a fever, and a generally bad disposition. I didn't want to spend my entire day off in bed...but I did.  I watched some Grey's Anatomy and napped on and off. I didn't make it out to see The Dancin' Outlaw or the Lords show. I heard Jesco White was ridiculous and not in a good way. I'm glad I saved the 15 bucks. But I'm sad I missed the Lords 20th. I've been a super fan for years but illness trumps rockin' out these days. I DO need to make it a point to see Wolfboy Slim. I hear he's rad and very Hasil Atkins-esque. Bottom line, Friday = wash.

SATURDAY

The day is a blur but the night is crystal. I went to the benefit for Brother Ed solo and though lung cancer is beyond sucko, seeing my friends was just what I needed. I have the coolest friends. No one can tell me otherwise. And if you try, I'll punch you in the brain.

I had successfully avoided seeing Madison Crawl for many years. They're good at what they do but aren't for me. Background noise. It was a pleasant surprise to get to see the Lords though. And the Horror of 59 reunion was probably the best set I've ever seen them do. Rad. Cult of the Psychic Fetus? Mind blowing per usual, and I'm not just saying that since Alex Murder has decided we're twins without common parents. That makes it creepy. Creepy makes it awesome.

And speaking of Alex Murder, he did a great job in helping organize the whole event. Word on the street is that $7000 was raised to help out Brother Ed and his family.  Money doesn't cure cancer but it sure helps. It was good to see him at the show. And if I didn't know he had lung cancer, I would know he had lung cancer. He's totally committed to kicking cancer and the Devil in the balls and everyone who was there is behind him.

SUNDAY

Sunday, Todd and I had the day to ourselves and we made the most of it. It was one of those unplanned, spur of the moment, fly by the seat of your pants kind of days. We hit Winking Lizard for lunch on the patio and plenty of chit-chat and then decided to see "Machete".  We had time to kill so we hit happy hour where I discovered Pinnacle Whipped. Yep,  "Immitation Whipped Cream flavored Vodka". Yowza. The movie was everything I could have asked for, best flick I've seen since "Inglorious Basterds". We decided to go BACK to happy hour afterwards and had a low-key blast while the race was on. None of the day was planned but it was all aces. Home. Bed. Done.

MONDAY

Labor Day means grilling out. Period. Which we did with my family at my sister's house. Again, low-key and cool. At home, we polished off our day watching our My Name Is Earl boxsets from the beginning and playing Rummy and Yahtzee on our living room floor with the dogs. That's how a week day holiday should be. The epitomy of CHILL.

I hope the week learns a thing or two from the weekend and stays cool.

Forces pulling from the center of the earth again.

I just booked our hotel for anniversary weekend. Mathmatical!

Bob and Stephanie are having a boy! I'm getting pretty good at calling these things. A little flash goes off in my brain that screams PENIS!  I don't even need to see the ultrasound. I just know. I should start charging for my services.

So...R.I.P. Grandma. You were one Hell of a lady.

Yesterday was the funeral and it was both sad and joyous, a celebration of 87 years. I've got a pretty rad (and gigantic) family. And I've got the world's best husband. He came through at every moment I needed him to. It was good to have his hand to hold.

It was hard to see everyone crying. Excruciatingly painful. Eventually my emotions rolled out of my eye sockets which is good...because I was tired of eating them. My digestive track needs a break. Regardless, I saw people cry that I've NEVER seen cry before and I NEVER want to see it again. Horror.

I did learn that I've a little out of practice where church is concerned. When the priest offered me communion with the whole "Body of Christ" jazz, I think I said, "Thanks". Pretty sure that's not the right response. I was asked to read the petitions and though my guts were twisted inside with nerves, I think I did alright. Everyone said I didn't look nervous at all and did a beautiful job. It was an honor.

She had 7 children (including 2 sets of twins). I am the youngest grandchild of 15. There are 23 great-grandchildren and 3 great-great-grandchildren. Hopefully she'll have some pull in helping us expand our already ginormous family.

Anyway, the mass was nice, the cemetery was sad but beautiful (she's under some lovely trees), and lunch turned out to be a good time. It was good to see my dad's face perk up a little. We left and went to PJ's to do a shot of Southern Comfort (allegedly my grandma was fond of it back in the day) and then went to Winking Lizard to eat and wrap up the day. It truly was a good day, circumstances aside.

Thanks to my friends for all their support.

Tonight...BREEDERS! I could stand to have a good time. And I will.

Oh...and to someone "special"...HAHAHAHA!  Thanks for being a constant source of entertainment. What a clown.

Don't want to leave but we both know sometimes it's better to go.

My existence right now can only be categorized as "zombified".

Zombified and bloated. I've been eating and drinking my emotions.

My grandma died Saturday evening.

She was surrounded by family and they made a toast. My mom said it was very nice. I got to see her Friday afternoon and I'm glad I was at least there for my dad. I had already said my goodbyes at the hospital when they gave her Last Rites weeks ago so I just sat next to her. It was so quiet and sad while I was there. It's quiet and sad now.

I'm not good with sorting out my emotions, hence the high caloric intake. I am ingesting my emotions so I don't have to deal with them. There was bar grub and tall drafts, Macaroni Grill and Italian beer, home made comfort food and mudslides, and lots of things off the grill and out of our cooler. There has been a lot of face-stuffing since Wednesday when Santo went on an adventure...an adventure that Shelby tried to re-enact on Friday.

Both dogs are safe at home, by the way.

And they both got to try Brie cheese, another thing on my emotional menu.

We did manage to have some fun this weekend outside of all the chowing. We had our first movie marathon at Grayskull watching Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and Inglorious Basterds. We took the dogs for a walk to North Park and around the lake. Then we browsed the Halloween decorations at Pat Catan's. But yesterday was pitiful. I barely moved, unless it was to saute something. I am totally Eeyore today. I want to go back to bed.

I know that the first half of this week is going to be emotionally exhausting and awful. I'm hoping that the rest of the week and long weekend improves things. Thursday I'm going to see the Breeders with Switchblade. I took a personal day on Friday and will be celebrating 20 years of Lords of the Highway that night. And Saturday will be both awesome (tons of bands and loads of friends) and awful (fuck you, lung cancer) at the benefit for Brother Ed.

Sunday and Monday will be pure recovery...from everything.

Sigh, anniversary weekend can't come soon enough.

...

Shelby ran away while Todd was taking the dogs out this morning.

This week is trying to see just how much I can take.

...

My grandma's kidneys have shut down. It should be soon...

I hate this week.

So do what you must. Do all you can.

Yesterday was an emotional nightmare.

I've been sleeping like rotten garbage again so I was already snarling when the alarm went off. Then the typical "Good Morning" text I get from Todd said, "Yuck. Santo ran away". It wasn't even 6:00am and my day was already a clusterfuck.

Everyone knows I'm not a dog person but finding out that your dog (Shelby is Todd's, Santo is MY snugglebug) has been missing overnight is horrible. I couldn't help wondering if he was hurt or scared or hungry or had been stuck in the rain. And I knew Shelby would be an emo wreck, if dog's can be emo wrecks, without him.

It's really  a long story why they weren't at the new house. Not getting into it.

So I had a mini-breakdown. Made a flier, wallpapered social networking with his picture and info, and let me tell you, I have some of the most AWESOME friends. Everyone rallied. Karl even made an internet flier and people reposted it. It was heart warming. But it was also so unreal.

I left work and went to the W. 7th kennel which was like walking into that Sarah McLaughlin commercial. Row after row of doomed dogs, mostly pitbulls. I called Little Jen and bawled on my way to the APL. Once I got there, they told me no one had brought in huskies but two other people had LOST huskies, damn Houdini dogs! From there I went to the county kennel which was a much nicer facility but still had the same 72 hour policy. 72 hours and those poor dogs are going to doggy heaven. I can never go back there. EVER.

The warden at the county kennel must've felt bad for me. I was sniffling and swollen and a mess. She told me not to give up hope. To tell my neighbors and my mailman. But Santo was out there with no tags...he ate through his collar...and we didn't live there anymore so if he found his way back, who would be there? I really hated myself and hated Todd. But I had to keep trying. I couldn't just lay down and die.

Went back to the old house hoping he'd be on the porch all wide-eyed and dopey. No such luck. And Shelby had a look of depression on her face...though she always looks sad due to her dog eyebrows. Stopped in to the Westpark Animal Hospital with my flier and...

...ONE OF THE NURSES HAD SEEN HIM THE DAY BEFORE!

A couple brought him in to see if he was a patient but he wasn't. The nurse called the couple who agreed to walk the dog (they had been calling him Whitey) to the end of their street...he made it a decent stretch away from home. When they rounded the corner, she left go of the leash and Santo came bounding into my arms.

I told him her was grounded for life.

After a celebratory drink, Todd and I loaded up the dogs and their cages and headed to Castle Grayskull. They are officially settled in at the new digs. And eventhough Santo is grounded for life, both dogs got new bones. It eased my guilt a little.

But I should have felt great! He was home and safe! But no, a little neighborhood bastard ruined it for me. He waltzed into our backyard without asking to look at the dogs and when he saw that I saw him, he ran. THEN was shouting something about how my dogs need to be put down or turned into hot dogs. THEN he threw a STICK at my dogs!

If he throws another stick, I'll throw it back.

So that's the story. Thanks again to everyone for being so awesome and helpful and concerned. It's really cool to know that there are people you can count on to be in your corner. I still might not be a dog person but I'm a MY DOGS person. And I never want either of them to have a 72 hour countdown. EVER.

I need our Quentin Tarantino marathon more than ever. Sheeesh.

I don't need no earthquake. Don't need no tidal wave.

My whole goal yesterday was to get a team together for the Winking Lizard skeeball league. It's mind blowing how different an idea seems once you've slept on it.

It was suggested that a vitamin deficiency could be part of my problem in the breeding department. Started the pre-natals today. Probably should've started them back in February. Whatever. I'm a procrastinator. Maybe my reproductive system is, too.

"Ah, the female reproductive system. It IS a mystery" - Johnny Switchblade

In a few weeks we'll be celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary. I feel like this needs to be commemorated. The first year is something special. It's not just smashed in there like, say, the fourth year. So we cooked up a plan that, as of now, looks like this:

Getting a fancy pants hotel room downtown (you know, plush bedding, tasty room service, the most expensive hookers in town), hitting the Bodies exhibit for some grotesque culture and the Chocolate Bar to stuff our faces, followed by hotel room antics! Ooh la la!

Sunday morning after breakfast, we'll meet up with our pals for tailgating. Tailgating on our anniversary, you say?  Nothing says CELEBRATION like a bottle of champagne and the top tier of your wedding cake with friends (and a pack of drunk bastards) in the Muni lot! LOVE IT!

To keep me busy until then, I'm on a mission to create the most perfectly perverse care package to send to Lisa in Korea. Imagine me creepily rubbing my hands together and laughing a sinister laugh...like Muttly from Wacky Races.

*tee hee hee hee hee hee*

And I think our picks for the Quentin Taratino movie marathon are in place: Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill Vol. 1, and From Dusk Til Dawn. Stocking the cooler, making chicken-n-dumplings, and kickin' it in my pajamas with my Weasel all weekend. Maybe being a grown up doesn't really suck after all.

Everybody laughs at love but what they want is to be proven wrong.

Celebrating 21st birthdays is a blast...until the next morning.

I hope I contibuted to my nephew's big 2-1 in a positive way. I'm pretty good at putting together birthday presents so I'm thinking it was a success. He got some neat things from Urban Outfitters, plenty of alcohol...

...and a pinata shaped like an olive full of everything a 21 year old needs: shot glasses (with mustaches on them!!), airplane booze, mardi gras beads, 21 dollars, quarter, dimes, nickles, pennies, candy, "send me home, I'm drunk" labels...all good stuff.

And I'm super glad Todd and I were at the bar at midnight for his first legal shot and beer. I made a little toast and told him he was one of my favorite people on the planet, my buddy and I loved him. Then we all did a shot together.

Which is probably what lead to me karaoke-ing "Ballroom Blitz". Ugh.

The weekend overall was rad. Maybe not Friday. I put the last layer on the pinatas and had to lay down. I'll be the first to admit...I shoud've gone to the hospital Thursday night when I clocked my head getting out of the hot tub. Blood is always a bad sign. And a little red smudge in my vision couldn't have been good. Or the constant blinking. All signs that I ignore. So Friday night I had to put my concussed self to bed and call it a wash.

Saturday was 6.5 hours of putting tiny scraps of paper on the end of an eraser, dipping them in glue, and turning a paper mached balloon into an olive. Then we celebrated the hot dog with Becky!! It was so damn good to have her around. Everything feels better when she's there. Came home and hit the pool with a bunch of pals (including Tom and Carol who gave us a bottle of champagne and some rad tiki mugs). Becky was nice enough to chill at home with the sleeping kid so we could be with Matt at midnight. Then we had a super-sized sleepover.

I woke up foggy. Todd barely woke up at all.

For some reason I thought running laps in the pool at 8:00am was a good idea. Not one of my best. I had to pass on Melt and spent the rest of Saturday alternating between Gray's Anatomy and napping. Not bad for a Sunday. Polished it all off with pizza and a movie.

So it was a solid weekend to be followed by a solid week! Karl is finishing my shin on Wednesday, Phee-Bizzle is visiting Grayskull on Thursday, Todd and I are HARDCORE hybernating for some alone time with a Quentin Tarrantino movie marathon this weekend, and Sunday we'll be at the wedding of one of the sweetest most kind-hearted people I know!!

I hope you're having a good time doing whatever you're doing!

High above the noise and competition.

SQUEEEEEEL!!

The following things are all AWESOME SAUCE:

-I'm meeting Carol today for a cocktail.
-I'm meeting Todd in our hot tub after I meet Carol for a cocktail.
-Todd and I have been married 11 months as of today.
-The pinatas are almost done.
-The pinatas are going to be awesome.
-Becky is coming the day after tomorrow.
-Karl is finishing my leg on Wednesday.
-Hopefully talking to Karl about covering up my lower back junk.
-Bouncing Souls are opening for Bad Religion in October.
-We have appointments with Krista @ the October convention.
-Deadbolt is coming again & we probably don't have to go
-Phoebe is coming to Grayskull next week.
-Lords of the Highway's 20th anniversary show is Friday 9/3 & I'm OFF.
-Johnny and I are going to the Breeders together.
-Johnny is coming to our Halloween House Warming.
-We may rent a karaoke machine for the above event.
-I'm going to dress as Lady Gaga.

Life, as I usually say, is GOOD.

It used to be I'd tell you all my secrets. Giving you the credit you deserve.

My best friend is getting married.

There's going to be a Mrs. Switchblade! Who would've thunk it?  I've never planned a bachelor party but I'm going to, no matter how much he protests. I insist there be one more night of Dr. Pepper shots, awkward dancing, and passing out in a closet somewhere, surrounded by the series regulars.  Man, I could put together one HELL of a "this is your life" slideshow.

I haven't seen Johnny since March but we have a date to see the Breeders.

Oh, and congratulations dude.

I know I won't be leaving here with you.

One of my favorite people on the planet is coming to visit this weekend. I've ranted-n-raved abotu how Becky kept me alive and my head above water for many years. She is without a doubt one of my heroes. I'm under a little black raincloud right now (0 for 6, dammit) so I can't wait to see her smiling face. Her constantly positive and upbeat attitude, even when things are grim, can knock me back into shape. I'm really looking forward to her visit. Not looking forward to a 2 hour wait at Melt but she'll be there to entertain me.

And to celebrating the hot dog. But that's a long story.

Maybe it isn't. Every year my family celebrates the hot dog. The end.

Friday we unpacked the very last box and set up the Man Cave. Everything has a place and everything is in it's place. We're done. We're home. Now we just have to figure out the situation with the dogs and their unstoppable desire to destroy anything and everything in their paths while being 100% obnoxious. But I can't talk about that. It's upsetting and stessful. I can talk about how I need to spend more time in my art room (the "Creation Cave" as Todd calls it). It's too bad ass for words.

Went to Kalahari this weekend for some "adults only" fun. And it WAS fun but it was also exhausting. Regardless of my chronic fatigue, we had a blast with our pals. But after MANY frozen cocktails, lots of good food, and plenty of laughs...all while in my bikini...I was ready for home. I'm a homebody now and that's OK.

So that's life. Wrapped up all nice and neat.

This is my home. I'm coming home.

My grandma is coming home tomorrow with hospice care. Hospice is a scary word but my grandma probably needs more help than my aunts can give her at this point. Thanks to everyone for crossing your fingers for her. I appreciate your awesomeness.

Out of nowhere last night, I got smacked in the brain by a 100.1 fever (that's hiiiiigh for me) and the chills. I had on pants, long sleeves, socks, multiple blankets...I ached head to toe and was whimpering until I passed out. Woke up this morning, after less than 12 hours of weirdness, feeling tip top!

Replaced my missing license. Kalahari banana mudslide, here I come!

And I will end this by saying that I never want to hear "California Gurls" again. It's a TERRIBLE, brainless song. And as you all know, I'm typically a fan of songs with a good hook. Not this one. I wish it would merge with that Owl City nightmare and just disappear from music history and take the DJs who play them every house on the hour along!

And it's been a long time which agrees with this watch of mine.

My grandma is in the hospital. They gave her Last Rites yesterday.

Needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods. Seeing my dad look so beat up kills me. It's not a look I've seen before. I'm not good with emotions. It seems like when everyone else is crying, my tears dry up. And when everyone else is fine, I'm sobbing. So I'm sort of in a weird place right now. Weird...that's the only way I can describe it.

When Pete's dad died, I went to the calling hours and BAWLED. I didn't even know the man. It was at the time of my divorce and was like every emotion I've ever bottled up tried to escape through my eye sockets and lungs. My emotions and I are not friends. They are confusing little bastards, even the good ones. Why can't I just be sad when it's sad and happy when it's happy?

Why can't I just deal??

I hate all of this.

Don't let her see a cloudy sky.

Welcome to the world, Olivia Paige Bell!

I'm so excited for Dennis and April and can't wait to meet Olivia! They're going to be rad parents. Same with Bob and Stephanie when their little one shows up. I feel like I'm surrounded by babies and pregnancy these days. Hopefully it will rub off on us. But I do know that getting rubbed doesn't make babies so...  Yesterday Todd was showing some of our friends around the house and I heard him say, "And this is the baby's room." My fingers are crossed for the 6th month in a row.

FINALLY got to swim in our pool. AND got to lounge in our hot tub. I need some sweet Tiger Beat posters to hang above it. Dave Coverdale, Jon Bon Jovi, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels...maybe a little Samantha Fox and Lita Ford action for Todd. Nothing says HOT TUB like 1980s Tiger Beat poster pull-out stars.

Those rockers were probably too rebellious for Tiger Beat.

I miss my friends. I miss being social. We missed Rock-n-Bowl, Rock-n-Race, Road Rash Bash, and I'm sure plenty of other events. I'm worried people will stop inviting us places. Believe me, I'm sick of missing out. I'm by no means sick of the new house but I AM sick of getting the old house ready for the market. I think Saturday was our last day of cleaning and painting and prepping. I can't go back there again. It breaks my heart a little. My heart and my brain and my body are beat.

Luckily, we're going to Kalahari this weekend for an "adults only" chill out. I think we're worked really hard over the past 6 weeks so I'm going to float along the Lazy River, drink a Banana Mudslide and just turn my brain off. THEN I'm going to pick a day to invite everyone over to see Castle Grayskull. I need to see my pals. I need to socialize!

Today is 8-9-10.  Neat!

Wake up to your face against the morning sun.

Nesting update...

I would like to quickly gush over our new bedroom. Todd loves it and said he feels like we're tucked away and safe. We have nothing distracting in our room, unlike the circus we slept in at the Corral. Nothing on the walls. Nothing much going on besides a dresser, bookshelf, and royal blue paint on one wall. And I haven't slept better than I have the past 5 nights in years.

The runt's bedroom set was lovingly delivered by Joe and Sharon, who are pretty much our husband and wife. It's even better than I remembered and he's going to flip his wig when he sees it. What 9 year old boy doesn't want a bunkbed? Matching dresser and desk...and the clock and bedding I ordered for him are coming tomorrow! I wish it was my room...if I wasn't already in loving relationship with my room, that is.

And my husband sure does love my guts. He and Joe took apart this "hobby station"...according to the previous owner...in the basement and put it in my art room. It's PURRRRFECT. Lots of storage and a large, sturdy work station. I know it was a bit of a chore to make it happen but I'm in love with my art room now. It has me written all over it and I'm ready to get back to painting. Stephanie has a stomach-eating girl in her future!

So the house is AMAZING, life is rad, and I'll have sweet pics tomorrow!

No one's gonna tell me what's wrong or what's right!

I am a championship nester!

Not only are we all moved in and not only do I have almost EVERY box unpacked (the ones that said "liquor" and "lingerie" were especially important) but I have a majority of our stuff put away! It was necessary for me to start seeing our stuff again in order for it to start feeling like home.

I'm not going to lie, I had a little separation anxiety about leaving the Corral. But unpacking turned all of that around. This may sound silly but I got excited by everything I unpacked! We have some amazingly ridiculous and cool stuff. I missed that stuff while it was living in boxes. I didn't want to decorate without Todd but I did a few things while he was at work and he loved them. I think I'm kind of good at that stuff.

We ate dinner at the table. I even made a cake.

My mom said I'm going from Betty Paige to Betty Crocker. Love it.

And my parents are rad, just so your know. They helped out so much this weekend, especially by making sure everyone who helped out was fed. We couldn't have made it through without them. We couldn't have gotten this bad ass house without their help. And I'll take this opportunity to thank Joe and Sharon who worked their damn asses off. I've really learned through this whole house buying-moving mumbo jumbo who our real friends are. That's always a good thing to know.

You know what ELSE is good to know? Even though our feet killed and muscles ached and we were busting our asses practically 24 hours a day...we still attempted to make a baby every chance we got! How's that for VA-VOOM??

I hope everyone will come see Castle Grayskull soon. You never need an invitation. Just come ring our ridiculous doorbell. We'd love to see you. I need to start making some memories in this joint and I need all our friends in them.

Life is good.

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

You can, Phoebe Jeans!

Happy 35th Birthday to one of the most wonderful, hilarious, fearless, and lovely people I have had the pleasure to know! I truly do not know what I would do without you in my life. You've been my sole support system too many times to count and I owe you the world for that. I couldn't have picked anyone better to stand by my side on my wedding day and I wouldn't trade one day we've spent together for anything.

I hope you have a truly amazing day and that everyone who is lucky enough to know you fawns all over you like stalkers. Especially your husband. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you. And I also hope he realizes that you were my wife waaaaay before he entered the picture! So I hope you have the best birthday a girl could ask for and that 35 is the best age you've had yet. And you're not OLD! You couldn't pay me to go back to my 20s!

Happy Birthday, Misery Guts. I love you.

Home isn't pretty. Ain't no home for me.

*EDIT: PAPERS SIGNED. KEYS ON THURSDAY!

It's the end of an era.

This is the last week I'll live at the Ol' Kentucky Corral. It's bittersweet. The memories are seriously flooding my already overcrowded brain. I've been reliving it all...

Lisa crawling into my dryer on new Year's Eve, Ben dressed as a nun wrestling Rocko and Pat May, Phoebe having an overnight guest of the male persuasion who wore see-through panties, backyard shenanigans during some night time rain, me falling down the stairs and fracturing my back which lead to Hillbilly Heroin which lead to hilarity, the many places Johnny has passed out, all the PFG practices which consisted mostly of gossiping and giggling, doing shots out of the giant wooden spoon and then spanking each other with it,  preparing for Cannibalicious!, Todd (nakedly) proposing on our bedroom floor, a billion bands playing and a billion people rocking out in the Rock-a-Hula basement...

You know, I thought there would also be a plethora of rotten memories but right now, all I can think of are the funny things. They're probably what's most important anyway. I don't want to carry any of the rot and misery to Castle Grayskull.

I guess the saddest thing was painting over the "measuring pole" in the basement. All the heights of all the people who had been over. That stung a little. I took pictures. My favorite measurement was probably "Sugar w/ hat" which was followed by "Sugar w/ head".

If anyone wants to say goodbye to the house, come by Friday evening and watch us pack 6 years of livin' into a straight truck. Bring snacks.

You've got something for me.

Last night I thought I was having an anxiety attack. I could feel heat radiating off my body, my mind was racing, and I couldn't breathe. Then I started throwing up uncontrollably and my nose started bleeding. The more I could taste that horror, the more I threw up. And there were other bodily functions but I'm trying to be partially lady like. Now my body feels like it weighs ten tons and every muscle is screaming at me.

It's almost as if I had an anxiety attack and in those 2 minutes that I let my guard down, the flu slithered in. I don't have time to be sick. I have far too many things to do and not enough hours to do them WITHOUT being sick. And I can't afford to be sick. Buying and selling a house cost money...who knew? Every can of paint, all the switchplate covers, the door that needs to be replaced, tons of cleaning supplies...it all adds up. My head is swimming. Todd says, "1 thing at a time".

I need to put my head in the trash can. That's 1 thing.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the mind.

*I forgot to mention that we got married 10 months ago today. It's hard for me to believe it's been that long yet sometimes, it feels like just yesterday. Either way, I love you, my husband!

I know I've said it before but let me say it again...

If you're going to put "He Can't Love You Like I Love You" on a mix tape then you have NO CHOICE but to also put "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" and "I've Done Everything For You (You've Done Nothing For Me)" on said mix tape. They just go together and you can't tell me otherwise. It's a trifecta!

Thank you paint fumes! Brain = FRIED.

Todd and I were machines this weekend. We kicked ass like ninjas when it came done to readying the Corral to go up for sale. And all the hard work we put in seems to have brought us closer together which is rad. I expected being stuck in the house 24/7 to get to us. Opposite effect. And if we can keep up the momentum and teamwork, we could be done with our "TO DO" list by the end of the weekend.

Still feeling anxiety from time to time. But the more we paint over and box up our lives, the more that house feels less like home. I guess that's a good thing. And it's a good thing that we have Road Rash Bash and an "adults only" Kalahari trip planned for next month because we need a break. I know we went on vacation recently but that wasn't exactly a lounging vacation and when we came back...BANANAS! I almost ripped my toe off and then BOOM, we buy a house in another city.

ARE WE INSANE??? I think the answer is yes but I also think our insanity is what makes me love "us" more and more. I can for sure say I love my weasel more and more because even when I am dripping sweat, have a definite smell, my hair is sticking up in every direction, my clothes are covered in paint and filth, and last night's make-up is pretty much all over face...he's still all hot for me. How gross! And how awesome!

And to my friends...I miss you.  Lots.

We love ourselves and no one else.

Worth every penny, maybe twice the pennies, and no one can tell me otherwise. She is a performer from head to toe and those 2 hours that she was singing her lungs out were better than any musical I've ever seen. Sets, costume changes, storyline, video...the dancing, the singing, the piano, the theatrics. My mind really was blown.

The only "oh poo" moment? We should've dressed up. Everyone did. We were more of the oddballs for being in street clothes. And if you know me, you know I love a wig. It would've been the perfect opportunity to be bananas.

Getting a tattoo of her horrible face wherever I can fit it. She's my hero. No matter how many times she said "cock" and referenced her mythical weiner while making jerk-off motions. She may not have a weiner but she has balls (you can borrow that, journalists) and the talent to back it up.

But come on Gaga. We know you don't HATE money, no matter how many times you say it. You earned it last night. Left sweat on the stage and (fake) blood on the pavement. I probably could've done without seeing a video of 1 version of you puking on another version of you...but I still enjoyed it.

1. Dance in the Dark
2. Glitter and Grease
3. Just Dance
4. Beautiful Dirty Rich
5. Vanity
6. The Fame
7. Love Game
8. Boys Boys Boys
9. Money Honey
10. Telephone
11. Speechless
12. You and I
13. So Happy I Could Die
14. Monster
15. Teeth
16. Alejandro
17. Pokerface
18. Paparazzi

Encore:
19. Bad Romance (not as awesome as I had hoped).
 
GAGA OOH LA LA!

Loving you is cherry pie.

LADY GAGA TONIIIIIIIIGHT!!!

Am I pumped? You bet your assets I am!

Rushing home to change (though I did apply liquid eyeliner this morning to save some time) and then picking up my 14 year old neice, who is cooler than most people I know. We're gonna chow down and then hit the Q and go bananas. I've been eyeballing recent setlists and am super psyched. Though I could do without hearing "Teeth".  There's something about "Take a bite of my bad girl meat" that makes me feel not-so-fresh.

I predict it will be worth the cheddar. I had to make it rain to make this happen. Annnnd...enough with the thug-speak. In the past, I didn't always come through with birthday or Christmas gifts for my neices and nephews and I always felt like a toad. I've been making up for it and I'm fo' sho making up for it tonight. And I'm going to enjoy every nasty second of her shenanigans. Lady Gaga and I could be friends, I have no doubt. And I don't mean that in a stalkerish way.

It couldn't have come at a better time. I need a break.

I'm stretched very thin and a thinly stretched rubber band eventually snaps. I though about soliciting some weekend paitning help via social networking but decided against it. It's no one's job but mine, and I'm drowning in it.  I cooled my jets a little last night with some retail therapy (thanks to scoring more dough than I thought I would at Half Price Books). Top Chef Chicago & Las Vegas, a new pair of pajama pants, and a ring shaped like an owl's head set me right for a minute or two.

I'm counting on Gaga to re-motivate me. If she can't, who can?

Can't help but think of yesterday.

My body aches. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I guess this is what "being productive" feels like. Not trying to be clever at all when I say I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. And not being at all sarcastic when I say moving/selling your house is for the birds!

In 18 days, we'll be the eccentric family in the suburban neighborhood full of trees. We got to visit our new digs on Friday for the inspection. I swear it's gotten bigger since we first saw it...and that increased my anxiety a bit. I shouldn't care, but a few people have made comments about the size of the house (based on photos) and us being well-off. Someone even made a comment about how rich people make them sick. It stung.

Let me be CLEAR, not that I should have to explain myself to anyone, but we are NOT well-off and are certainly NOT "rich people".  But the price had been reduced more than once AND we got a deal on top of that since the people were dying to move. It was luck. And the house payment is large so we'll be adjusting to that by really tightening our belts. This is an investment for our future since we don't plan to move again. So I don't think anyone should be making sassy comments. We're busting our asses for this house. Be supportive of our decision or don't say anything at all. Cause shitting on something we're working hard for (and will be for maaaaaaaany years to come) makes you a questionable friend (but a majority of our friends have been pumped for us and that's awesome...everything we have, we'd share with anyone else).

Moving on...

This weekend a plethora of our pals came by to hang out or help out and we appreciated it all! I loved looking out my window and seeing Ben walk up the drive. Having him around all day was a flat out rad. And so many babies were at the Corral! Evan, Rylee, Graeme, and the as-yet-unnamed-and-unborn Baby Bell. There were moments when I was laughing so hard, tears were welling in my eyes and my guts killed. It was great. I love my friends.

Especially Sharon and Joe who spent all of yesterday painting and cleaning while we were weeding and packing. I can't express enough how much I appreciate them and theirs efforts. They never complained once, no matter what we asked of them. I hate asking for help. It makes me feel weasely but we couldn't have possibly gotten as much done as we have without our pals. This all happened really fast and people have rallied. Thanks y'all.

And thanks for your continued help for the next 18 days.

I wish I had something else to blather about besides moving because maybe you're sick of hearing about it. But this is our life at the moment. It's all-consuming. We had to cut down on going out (paint is so expensive) so no PJs, no Rock-n-Bowl, no birthday party for Nolan.  Every red cent of our next 3 paychecks is spent already and that's OK. It is what it is. But I do miss being social which is why I was so pumped to have people randomly stopping by this weekend. It meant a lot.

Going to see Lady Gaga on Wednesday means a lot, too.

AND NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: To all of my friends that are smokers, please, please, please quit. I'm begging you. I heard some news this weekend that broke my heart and I'm still shocked but I'm not going to get into it. Just PLEASE quit. I love all y'all too much to not kick your asses if you don't quit.  xoxo

Well look at me, I'm a'coming back again.

20 boxes packed and sealed!

I thought packing would be so stressful but it's truly the most stable and calming this in my life right now. I've been uber-stressed this week but once I get my hands on that tape gun... Tonight I'm looking forward to filling more boxes, running them to the temporary storage spot, painting and cleaning. Any of the jitters I had about moving have disappeared into thin air. I'm pumped. Period.

And I love my friends. I love that they'll give up their free time and sanity to help us and will still love us while we're running around like psychotic chickens! Tessa gave up and evening to listen to us bitch about an unfortunate waste-of-life we have to deal with, all while bubble-wrapping anything and everything I had for her. And Joe-n-Sharon are signed up tonight and possibly this weekend to paint my colorful home "Navajo White" to make it "buyer friendly". We're lucky to have people to lean on.

Pretty soon we'll be collapsing on them.

You know, I think I'll paint my art studio at Castle Grayskull hot pink.

In fact, I know I will. Good times are ahead!

Climb so we can reach anything we may propose.

As everyone on the planet Earth knows, we are now the proud (and frazzled) owners of Castle Grayskull! Shocking, I know. I found it online last Sunday, we looked at in Wednesday, made an offer on Friday (5:30p), and a counter-offer was accepted (6:30p). I don't even think I've had time for it all to soak in. We immediately began taking down artwork, clearing off shelves, weeding through junk, throwing out trash...it's been non-stop! Our entire lives are in piles on the floor.

But I am feeling very anxious.

I love the Ol' Kentucky Corral. It's going to be hard to say goodbye to it. I've had crazy dreams. I've had mini-panic attacks. I've wondered if we're doing the right thing. But when Todd starts talking about my art studio and his man cave and when I think about having kids there and where we'll be putting out Christmas tree...my mind is eased. I know we're doing the right thing for us, the kid, the future kids, the dogs...we can't live on top of each other anymore. I just don't deal with stress well. It's a fact.

And I need to call in favors, which I hate doing. We need help. We have a whole house to pack up and tons of cleaning to do...nails to pull, holes to patch, walls to wash, floors to scrub. The inspection of our new digs is this week and we get the keys next FRIDAY. It's all happening very fast so I'd be lying if I said we didn't need help. I especially need help painting the kid's bedroom at the new house. It has to get done PRONTO because we have to move his new bedroom set in. I am NOTORIOUS for getting more paint on me than the walls and I'm a better NFL player than I am an edger. So...

...HELP!  We'll take all we can get.

So, a new chapter of our life is starting and a big chapter of my life, at least, is closing. Good times and bad were had at the corral and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I lived with Phoebe, Little Jen, Tommy Roulette. I had cats, dogs and rats. I've had a a plethora of parties from a prom, a pajama party, an Under The Sea shindig, and a slumber party massacre. I've cried myself to sleep and I've laughed myself awake. I packed a lot into 6 years so I'll probably have what people call "emotions" when I leave. But there's so much more ahead of us.

AND I CAN FINALLY HAVE PIZZA HUT AGAIN!

That's worth the mortgage right there.

I'll be the last one on the dance floor when this party ends.

Yep. It's our dream house.

It's probably a smidge too big for us (we have no use for a formal living room and no one short of that lady with the conveyor vagina and 19 kids needs 3.5 bathrooms) but I can picture us there. And I picture us being really happy there.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it's hard when you can picture your own stuff in a house. Like the giant Chung Wah restaurant sign. I already know where that's going. And the "Party Lunch" painting. I think I have a spot picked out. I need to stop doing this. I need to stop picturing myself working in the veggie garden that's ALREADY THERE! I need to stop thinking about turing the basement into Todd's ultimate "man cave". And I REALLY need to stop thinking about the 1st floor bedroom becoming an art studio.

I've crunched so many numbers, my brain aches.

If it happens, it happens. If not, I'm sure there is another house out there that we'll fall in love with. Whether or not I actually MEAN this or am just trying to talk myself into being rational is up for debate.

Can't you hear the horses? Cause here they come!

I miss my dreamless sleep. I want it back.

On a very random note, I believe that Rob and Big asshole Rob Whats-His-Face has replaced Bam Margera as "Biggest Tool In the Universe". I wish both of those losers would get in a car together and drive off a cliff. And I hope that car is a "lambo" because I both hate the car and the nickname. God, I could happily punch either of those morons in the brain and accept the consequences. While we're at it, I despise the song "Soul Sister" but it has no brain to punch.

Moving on...

Sad announcement. We are not going to Heavy Rebel this year. After Disney World, property taxes, and a trip to the Emergency Room including stitches and X-Rays, it's just not in the cards, or checkbooks, for us. I'm bummed because I love me a roadtrip and hate letting people down (mainly my travel companions and friends performing at the weekender) but over all, I'm OK. Something about it just wasn't shaking me at my foundation. Some day I'll be reunited with you, Psychocharger. Some day.

Because we don't want to miss out on our holiday bonding time, Todd, Ben and I are going to get tattoos of our favorite founding fathers (I scored John Hancock), free a bald eagle and get uber patriotic. There was some discussion about the eagle-freeing being done commando-style: them without underwear and me in ONLY underwear a la a Wonder Woman costume. This probably translates to cocktailing and going to see fireworks. I'm all over that.

Besides the 4th of July shenanigans we have planned, the Rock-n-Bowl is coming up, followed by Lady Gaga. Any additional free time (and money) is going to be spent getting our digs into selling condition. The stairs need to be finished, nail holes need to be patched, have to paint the porch, bring the yard back to life, and weed out a punch of this stuff we have and don't need. I love anything with a skull on it but do we need EVERYTHING will a skull on it? No. We don't. We're drowning in stuff. I don't want to move boxes of useless nonsense to a new house. Regular nonsesne? YES! Useless? NO!

I'm rambling and I think it's to keep me from saying what I REALLY want to say. Because saying the things I REALLY want to say could make some serious waves.  And I know it's not just me. I know you'd all like to have a movie-moment where you just EXPLODE on everyone around you, telling them exactly what you think and having them still love you afterwards (but I don't want the people I need to explode on to love me). I don't think it works that way. So I'll just ramble and keep it all bottled up.

Rambling over. For now.

The dog days are over.
The dog days are done.
The horses are coming so you better run.

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father.
Run for your children and your sisters and brothers.
Leave all your love and your loving behind.
You can’t carry it with you if you want to survive.

That was where we used to sleep.

We are doing everything we can to grow old here.

It's perfect for us to expand our family in a great neighborhood while still being totally awesome. Sure, it doesn't have a Cleveland address but that's why you have cars people! Everything is neutral and waiting for us to put our stamp on it. Did I mention it has a pool AND an outdoor tiki bar?? And it backs right up to a 65 acre park where you can fish, bike, hike, picnic, etc.  But those are just perks. It seems like this house is calling to us. I showed the pic to Todd on a whim, thinking it was so bizarre...and now we're both hooked. I don't know what will come of this but I DO know that it's time to move. We need more space, plain and simple.

But if you know anyone looking for a GREAT starter home...this one has been good to me for 6 years.  And I would stay here for the rest of my days but it just isn't big enough for 2 adults who want to get preggo, a growing boy, 2 big puppies, and an old, cranky cat. The neighborhood is solid (descent access to 71, 90, and 480) and the neighbors are a dream...they ALL keep to themselves. I wish I could lift the Barbie Dream House (as I'm affectionately calling it) out of Brunswick and put it on our lot because I sure will miss PJ McIntyre's. But that's why WE have cars. We may just be dreaming.

I guess we'll see what happens.

EDIT #1: I am now calling the house "Castle Grayskull".

EDIT #2: We are going to see it on Wednesday!

Grab a fork and make your first attack!

Tuesday was horrific. Here's the gorey story!

I had made some dinner which disaggreed with me and per usual, I tossed my cookies. I was laying on the bed when I may or may not have noticed that I might have thrown up on my own shirt. Awesome! So on my way to the dresser for a clean shirt, I nailed my foot into the base of my recumbent bike. It's happened several times before. If you know anything about me, you know I'm clumsy and awkward. So I was motherfucking this and that as I hopped around the room with my foot in my hands.

And my hands were covered in blood.

And there were blood puddles on the floor.

I sat down thinking maybe my toe nail ripped off or something. No such luck. When I turned my foot over I discovered that my baby toe had actually ripped away from my foot. I keep saying it "popped at the seam". When I realized what I was looking at through all the blood, I froze. I was sick. I didn't know something so small could bleed so much. And the blood was so dark, I couldn't see how far around the wound went. So I tied a bandana around my paw and made a frantic call to Todd, who was at the kid's baseball game.

I couldn't wait around for Todd to figure things out so I drove myself to the Emergency Room. Luckily, blood gets you noticed and I was up in a room in no time flat. Todd got there right as the doctor came in to sneak a peak. He came back with a suture kit and made me lay on my belly and not look back. Again, if you know me, I have horrible hospital anxiety so I was livid. I haven't had stiches since I was 3 and I don't remember those. The novacaine or lidocaine or whatever it was?? MORTIFYING!

So I was stitched up and sent to X-Ray. Nothing is broken or dislocated, besides my spirit. They banadaged me up, gave me some Tylenol, a prescription for Vicodin which is wrecking me from the inside out, and sent me on my way. Todd was nice enough to fill my meds even though it was past his bed time. I miss 2 days of work because I couldn't put any weight on it. Lots of TV, lots of napping, and lots of stomachaches and headaches from the painkillers. I thought the worst was over.

Today I head back to work!

I'm showering (for the first time since before the injury) and trying to get the wound nice and clean. Everyone at the hospital warned me that feet are VERY dirty and therefore prone to infection. If I get an infection, it'll never heal. That's the card I've been dealt. So I'm cleaning it off and feel a POP! Oh no! Is it a popped stitch??  Why is my foot bleeding again?

Because they never finished STITCHING!!

The wound went from the back up between the toes. The guy missed another gaping hole! I guess it popped at 2 seams. I didn't notice because I couldn't move it after my initial discovery. The doc didn't see it because he didn't bother to look BETWEEN the toes. There was a thread of skin in between and that's where he sticthed up to. Morons. At this point, it looks as if the open wound was starting to heal on it's own. Let's hope it continues on that path because I will NOT get more stitches. I was a bad patient.

So there you have it. I still have 10 toes.

Now I have to deal with flip-flop separation anxiety.

Pics later on Stalking My Life!

This may be the time for the perfect crime.

There's a Fergie song on the radio. Back to reality.

Yesterday was Father's Day but I ended up getting a present, and a rad one to boot! Todd called me into the backyard where he had created a little garden area for me to plant! I've been talking about wanting to plant veggies for awhile and now I can. I'm shooting for lettuce, tomatos, peppers, cucumbers, herbs, and if it's affordable, some raspberry bushes. I'm planning on gardening and grilling being my new stress-reducers. I'm going to get a big hat and go nuts! Being loved is cool.

If I get a salad out of it, I'll consider it a success.

Today is the 1st day of summer. Summer is looking good. Lots of good times with good friends, and even an end-of-summer wedding that I'm THRILLED to be invited to.  And along with my garden and basement chill zone/art studio projects, I'm going to dive head first into re-doing Aiden's room. Fresh new digs to start the 4th grade! I'm trying to get creative and motivated and stay that way through the summer. Stress is for the birds and I HATE birds! I need to make the most out of my life.

You say you've got some very excellent news.

I have to go back to reality tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I don't hate my job but I hate reality. I've gotten a lot of things together in the past few months. I'm a full-fledged, functioning adult! I actually feel secure about the future and not like the low-life I was back in my Kent State days. But everyone under burning hot SUN knows stress and I are totally enemies. And that's what life breeds...stress. Ugh. I'm still going to try and face post-vacation life head on and with my chin held high!

But please believe me...I know I have things a LOT better than some. But I've put in 31 years on this planet...I've earned the right to bitch a smidge. It's like my social security benefits. But I'm claiming them before they run out and become useless.

For now, it's Father's Day. My father is on a plane flying home from a 10 day vacation with my mom that included them sleeping in a teepee! Who would've thunk it? So I'll be grilling a totally manly dinner for my husband to celebrate they holiday (we're 0 for 4 by the way and I got REALLY emotional this time). He opened his present this morning (Family Guy volume 8 because I couldn't find a Veluxx blanket) and is currently at the batting cages for some father & son time. I hope by next year he's a father to our own little monster. I hate faith.

I've given Todd a card every Saturday from the very first week of our adventure together. Today he got his 116th card. I've been re-reading them and reliving our relationship and it's been kind of incredible. I'm glad I did this. Not just the cards...all of it.

Next up? HEAVY REBEL!

All I ever wanted!

GOOD MORNING CLEVELAND!

Yesterday I woke up in Florida. Today I woke up in MY bed with MY pillow in MY city. Holy COW, am I glad to be home. Disney World was everything I could have hoped for and more but it is THEE most exhausting vacation (which I expected). All my planning paid off in big ways and I think the kid had an amazing birthday. I'll tell you what...you want to be treated like a KING? Spend your birthday at Disney World. That kid was spoiled ROTTEN and there are 462 pictures to prove it! They really know how to do it up and every "cast member" there is flat out NICE. Love it.

And now it's back to reality!

WELL...not QUITE!

We're in vacation phase 2! Vacation phase 2 is recovery from Disney World. It's just the two of us so there will be a lot of napping, cocktailing, couch time, and pals. As little walking as possible would be awesome because our feet are hating us! That place can be rough on a body (speaking of...the French girls making crepes loved my body...they told me so). So this half about vacation is about relaxing and soaking up the down time. On the agenda: sleeping in, hanging out, Melt, PJs (miss that place), karaoke, maybe a show or two, good times. I'm looking forward to phase 2 and much as I did to phase 1.

Our 1st family vacation was a success. I'm calling it.

And I'm so greatful...to be nowhere.

Now that I'm done tossing my cookies...

Let's back track to the weekend, shall we?

I felt like I was running on go at warp speed all weekend! Usually I feel like my weekends are busy but my dance card was FULL this time around. Friday I had the day off work, which was a pleasant surprise. Tessa was "sick" so she accompanied me all over creation. We hit up Target, Best Buy, and Wal-Mart trying to score some rad baby gifts for D.A.B. and April's baby shower. Then we lunched and gabbed about boys and why they're bananas. I headed home and spent the rest of night couch cocktailing with Todd and SVU. Yeah, I'm addicted.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Saturday to sew patches and pin buttons onto Baby Bell's first denim jacket (she also scored some Devil Ducks, 2 onesies with shhhhhharks, diapers, and a silver pig-shaped piggy bank). We headed over to the couple's shower and had a blast...and not just because they had spiked punch! April couldn't be cuter. I can't wait to see this baby (whose name keeps changing). Come on August 20th! Afterwards, a smaller group of shower guests headed to the Lincoln Park Tavern to rock out to total jams, have some drinks and some laughs. I never know how much I've missed my friends until I'm with them. I'm damn lucky to have the Ol' Kentucky Sharks.

And Saturday night...Human Centipede. Still digesting it.

Sunday morning was a repeat of Saturday except this time, I was making veggie pizzas for a graduation party. My cousin Victoria is going to Fordham in the fall. I wish I had gone to college out of state but I had plenty of adventures where I was. Moving on...we went to the grad party, hung with my family, and wrapped up the day at home, grilling steaks and watching "Alice In Wonderland". I was exhasuted and a few pounds lighter when the busy weekend came to a close. I marked it a success.

And now we're 46 hours from take off.

You probably would've wanted this too!

Uuuuugggggggggh!

Either I'm having the EARLIEST symptoms of pregnancy known to man, I've got some sort of stomach thing, or I've been poisoned by the Campbell's soup company. Shortly after lunch, everything that went in made a reappearance and it was UNSTOPPABLE! I hate tossing my cookies as it makes me feel very introverted. I feel so sad afterwards which is totally bananas. So whatever the reason...bun in the oven, 24 hour bug that's going around, or Death-By-Chicken & Stars...it BETTER clea up before Thursday. I've never thrown up on an airplane and I don't want to start en route to the happiest place on Earth.

Can I leave a message on your machine?

I killed a spider the size of my eyeball (it was so graphically large that I could see it WITHOUT my glasses on) this morning with a can of scrubbing bubbles and one of the runt's new shoes. Immediately after I committed this murder, I doubled over in pain and couldn't get off the bathroom floor. The pain has subsided slightly, but I'm sore and out of sorts. Somewhere out there, Mama Spider has a voo-doo doll in my likeness.

1 week until our vacation. 1 week that will no doubt fly by since I have a surprise day off work tomorrow with a totally free evening, a rad baby shower on Saturday will another free evening, a grad party and the race on Sunday, and a 3 day work week that will also include cleaning for the dog sitter. And let's not forget lots of hanky panky! I hope you just enjoyed that sneak peak into my agenda!

I told Tessa yesterday that when we're finally in Florida, in our room, getting ready to hit the parks...I will probably cry. I've been busting my can to plan this and make sure everything is perfect for the runt's first vacation...for our first family vacation...and I've been SO STRESSED OUT with life in general...I think it will all just come out...of my eye sockets. I just used a lot of ellipses. Sorry punctuation freaks.

Tomorrow I can sing "Six Days" by Dead Milkmen ALL DAY.

"Alice In Wonderland" arrives today. Gonna get my mind blown again.

Other than that, I'm just taking life day-by-day and trying to keep any of my vital organs from exploding. After vacation, there is still a great summer to be had with lots of fun-n-festive events. Heavy Rebel, 2nd Annual Roll-n-Bowl, Lady Gaga, the Road Rash Bash, April's baby making her debut...not to mention swimming, cook outs, bike rides, county fairs, the dog park, and all that good summery stuff. I want to have an unbelieveably fun and stress-free summer. Is that too much to ask?

And for those who lurve me/us, attempt #4 is in progress. Is that gross? Too much information? Either way, please cross whatever you can cross and send good vibes our way. But try NOT to picture us mid-attempt. Otherwise you may never look at us the same!

Summer sun. Something's begun.

I have been awesome and I have been awful.

Even at my most rotten, I had friends, I was loved, and I lived.

I love my life.

I will love it even more in 9 days when we're running amuck in Florida. Then after a temporary stop back in reality, we'll be hitting the dusty trail again with Hot Trash, Wolfboy Slim, and Uncle Benjamima to no doubt cause a ruckus at Heavy Rebel.

This summer has nothing but potential. I'm making the most of it.